I'm asking for prayer for both my mom and dad now. My mom is battling cancer, but we really are not getting much good news lately. The cancer seems to be continuing to pop up in new places. She's in a lot of pain which is really difficult to manage right now. My dad is out there with her next to her bed at the hospital from 7am until 10 or 11 each night. He does not have a strong heart, so the fact that it is breaking makes me fear for him too.
Their 40th anniversary is May 20. I'm praying so hard .... We will know more when radiation ends (I think in 3 weeks?), but the doctors and nurses keep giving us "the look" which doesn't feel optimistic after the Living Will conversations. Right now she is not DNR (do not resuscitate) but she is changing that as soon as she knows there isn't hope (like if the focused radiation doesn't work or if things are growing so fast there is no chance). She started chemo yesterday for the abdominal stuff, but that won't help with the brain tumors only radiation can lick that. They also have seen some spots on the spine in the latest scan -- possibly cancer moving to the bone.
The not knowing is killing me. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her soon and I don't want to waste any time that we have. I work with my 2 brothers so if I cut out of work I'm just screwing them and making my dad worry more about them and the business. Working during this time
is pure hell, but if I don't I'm putting a bigger load on those I love. We are trying to organize and go out to the hospital in shifts, but I think none of us want to miss a day because we are so afraid
right now. My DH is a wreck too because his mom is ill and will be facing major surgery as soon as they get her strong enough... which may be soon vs. the end of April as we expected.
My son has his First Communion on 4/17 and I'm unable to focus on it at all when I should be making this a more special time for him. It was easier with my daughter -- she didn't "hate" church like he does. I want this to be as meaningful for him as it was for her last year.
I don't even know if I'll have both our families for dinner after because I don't even know if anyone will be able to go. I have to let go and just go with this flow.... make the small moments special -- which we have lately.
All of my normal supports (my mom, my sister, brothers, husband) are being crushed right now by the weight of it all. My sister is supposed to have her wedding 8/20.... how terrible her decisions are right now during what should be the happiest time of her life. None of us can focus on showers or anything else that goes with a wedding. I can't even talk to her about if she'll move it up based on what we hear after radiation. It kills me that I can't do anything for anyone
to make anything a little better. My mom is only 63 and has always been healthy. I thought we had so much more time than this. The cancer was in remission more than 2.5 years and she had a full CLEAN bill of health in August.
If I could relive the last 10 years I'd do it in a heartbeat. We kept saying we'd see more movies and do more lunches once things slowed down. We were just getting to that point! Live now. That is the best advice the cancer nurses have given me -- live in the moment and live each moment fully. Worry about the future doesn't help. I guess I just needed to take a moment to worry about the future here because I've really been blocking it. At what point am I living in the now and at what point am I living in denial? Talk about mood swings......
Back to pretending to work now!
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