Today it has been 2 months. 2 months ago my Mom died as I held her and told her I loved her. I will never forget how I struggled to find words to say -- she already knew I loved her and I kept saying it over and over while thinking "What else can I say to her at this moment when her life is ending? What do you say???" Out of the blue I said in an encouraging loud voice "GO! Go Mom!" I will never forget the power of that moment. I didn't have those words, they were given to me. I didn't have the strength to say that to her, I didn't have the strength.

I explained this to a friend and she smiled and told me "It was the Holy Spirit speaking through you!" Wow. How powerful and how true. I wanted to be there for her at that moment. I wanted to be a comfort to her. I wanted her to know it would be okay, we would be okay if she left. She was at peace. She was ready. She looked relieved.

We still are not okay. We still feel robbed. Mom was just 63. I went to mass yesterday to pray for someone who is very ill. I kept thinking that if Mom were alive she would have showed up at that same service and how we'd smile at each other and would be glad we were both praying for this woman. I suddenly felt so alone and so abandoned that my Mom wasn't there to pray with me. How could she not be here? How can I be here alone? I felt so alone. I just cried and cried. The priest gave a sermon where he talked about unanswered prayers and questions we have of God that horrible things happen (his example was an 8 year old dying from leukemia). How could this happen?

We are not abandoned is what he said. God the Father was there for Jesus when he didn't stop the crucifixion -- he was there, but he allowed his son to die that we might have faith. Faith will get us through this. It does bring me comfort. I try not to feel alone and abandoned, I'm just so lonely for her. She was such an amazing woman. I very much want to be like her. When I do things that are generous I feel like she is with me. When I pray at mass I feel her there. When I do something loving for my kids, I feel her there. When I dropped a class I'd registered for this fall I know she was there -- 2 classes would be too much! She always hounded me to stop trying to do so much at once. It may take longer to get my certification to teach, but at least I'll have time with my kids!

I look at my life and I want to make changes. I want more family time, more connecting, more exercise, more healthy cooking, more memory making and less "getting through" things. I want to always appreciate right NOW. I did a lot of this during my Mom's illness and I want to do more. This is where my head has been, and as I read my "Starting your Day Right" daily devotion by Joyce Meyer I ran across this gem:

Only God can change you, so talk to him about your desires.

Funny how you get these little nuggets when you need them. I'm going to try to talk to God more.