Why is it the more I try, the more likely I am to be snubbed? It would be one thing if it were friends snubbing me. It is family -- my sister and my Dad. Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard. My sister is oblivious of anything but her needs. My Dad is unable to develop closeness with anyone besides his first son and his first daughter -- forget my younger brother and I. We are nice, but we certainly have not, do not, and will not measure up to the wonders of his first two children.

What prompted this rant was the fact my Dad snubbed me at church yesterday. He was there when we got there and my kids and I went over to join him in the pew while my husband parked the car. My Dad informed me he was saving room for Kathleen and John -- that if we joined him in the shorter pew he sat in there wouldn't be room. I told him we'd sit somewhere else. I don't get it. There are plenty of spaces they could find -- he simply prefers her company apparently. I have to admit that this just plain hurts my feelings. I also hate myself for being petty about this, but for gosh sakes!!!

My only solace was that I liked my outfit and my sister was wearing a really unflattering blouse. In fact, she looked dumpy. She has always been the slim and hip one, I've always been the fat one. Somehow it is a sick thrill to see her looking like crap. I am evil, it isn't right, I wish I didn't smile when she looks bad, but the simple truth is it comforts me. You can't help the way you feel, even if you wish you were not evil -- sometimes your feelings just are not nice.

I need to stay focused on me. Doing the right things with my own health, fitness, and weight loss. I hope I do well tonight.