I am in the dungeon again and am freezing. Why must I freeze at work? Cold makes me ache. So I went to the gym last night with my friend. It was good to finally work out again. I am so glad to be making some positive changes in my life. I have been one week without a cigarette. I miss them. I am sorry to report I drank some wasted calories last night though... I can't take the new sleep medicine due to side effects (made my heart race, yikes!). I will need to speak to my doctor to see if there are other options for sleep aid.

My friend is also friends with my sister. My sister called our friend after we cleaned Mom's stuff out at my Dad's last weekend. It turns out that my sister is plotting about how she can get her pick of Mom's jewelry. At the house she mentioned to me that she wanted my Mom's wedding band. I want it too, and I said so. She told me how she treasures it because of the memories of our youth and hearing the ring click on the formica countertops as my Mom folded our laundry. I smiled and said that I too was sentimentally attached to the ring for the same reasons. I then mentioned how it sucks that we are both attached to the same items for the same reasons. I then smiled so as not to seem hostile, just stating a fact.

I have some definite views on how things should be divided. My Mom had a nice diamond that my Dad had set into a stunning band which is what she wore as her wedding band in more recent years. That diamond was Mom's mother's diamond and had been passed down to first daughters for several generations. Mom told me it would go to Kathleen and I would get the emerald because Kathleen is the older one. NO BIGGIE. I don't need a diamond and I'm fine with that. Kathleen should have this ring, I'm fine with it.

She claims she doesn't need it, she already has a nice diamond (so my engagement ring isn't nice? is what I almost said). She pretended not to know this was Mom's plan. I think that is insulting to my intelligence. Like Mom would tell me the plan and not her -- that is ridiculous, if you knew my Mom you would agree. I want the old wedding band. It is plain, simple, and pretty. So anyway, my sister told our friend (knowing this would be leaked to me) that I could have the emerald stuff (there is a bracelet and earrings with the ring) if she could have the old wedding band. My feeling is the one piece of jewelry that I truly want is the least valuable. She will be getting the diamond that has been in the family the longest. All I want is the plain old wedding band.

Every time I would look at this band I would think of Mom and it would make me feel closer to her and happy. I know my sister feels the same way -- this ring symbolizes Mom in many ways and holds many happy memories. I don't like to be selfish, but I want this ring. I wish I didn't, I wish it didn't bug me like this, I wish I didn't care. But I do.

My friend told me about this because she thought it important that I know what my sister is planning. My sister likes to spring plans on you and play the victim to get her way. She's playing the "She can have all the emerald stuff, I just want the wedding band" game. Though I'd already suspected my sister was planning something when she tried to get me to try on the rings (I only tried on the band). My Dad can't be pulled into this because he freaked out that we might have hard feelings over the purses. Can you imagine how the dividing of the jewelry will freak him out?

When the time comes for dividing I don't want to roll over and give in on this band just to make my sister happy. I also don't like to be selfish -- but why should she get it and not me? As my friend said "She always gets her way." My friend watched me bite down words and feelings this whole year in order to keep the peace with my sister (an to ensure she had a happy wedding despite it being 6 months after losing Mom), so I realize my friend is not without bias. But, I still have not come up with a logical reason for me to be the one to suck it up on this one issue.

I feel guilty for being selfish about this, but it doesn't change the fact that this is the only piece of jewelry that I am emotionally attached to. I could let her have all the rest and be fine with it if I just got this one ring. I wonder if I were the one saying "She can have the emerald stuff" how HER reaction would be? I'm bothered by this whole thing. My friend and I discussed this and she is strongly advising me to hold me ground. (She knows I start firm resolve and then crumble and get walked on when it comes to family conflict). I want to hold my ground but don't like the idea of being a selfish jerk.

I could never have imagined how difficult this would be. Ugh.