And then it slaps you in the face...

The weekend was going well. We made it through 2 exciting soccer games yesterday with one win and one loss. There were no injuries this week. We have planned next week's after game parties. We are ready and relieved. Today is our first day in months where we have no work and no commitments.

Then we got the call. A member of our extended family was killed in a terrible accident. I can't imagine raising my kids without my husband. I can't imagine the awesome responsibility of holding it together for your kids when the love of your life is gone... I wish our extended family lived closer. It will be a 6 hour drive to the funeral. That kind of distance during difficult times just sucks. You don't want to call on the phone because there is nothing you can say and you know the family has enough to deal with. I hate the helpless feeling. I hate not being able to fix things. You can't fix it when life is cut short. Grief is horrible to go through and horrible to witness.

I know the children who are left behind have a wonderful mother and extended family -- they are my cousins and are great people. But today, what claws at my mind is the thought of them not having a father. The thought of them growing up without a dad makes me so sad. I'm glad they have a wonderful mother... I'm glad they have a great family... I wish things were different. I wish they did not have to walk down this path. As bad as this week will be, the coming weeks will be so much worse for them. I hate that I know this. I hate that this is how I look at wakes and funerals now.

New grief brings back my personal grief. I wonder about this. It makes me feel pretty selfish. When I think of how someone will be missed, I think of how much I miss my Mom. I wonder if it is like that for everyone?

Today I pray for the family left behind and I hug my kids tighter.