Today I'm really irritated. Yesterday my leaded glass window got broken accidentally by my son. I am kicking myself for not storing this in a safer spot until we got around to refinishing. I called my husband after it happened and his golden response was "what do you want me to do about it?" It wasn't until I'd seethed with rage for an hour that I realized that what I wanted him to do was tell me that it would be okay. I wanted him to tell me we'd fix it, find another one, whatever, just tell me it is and will be okay. I even was kind enough to explain this calmly later in the evening but he still doesn't get it. That is what my Mom always did so well. You would call in a panic and she'd talk you down and reassure you. I have lost the reassurance that makes life so much more comfortable now that I've lost my Mom. This stinks. I could not have explained this need more clearly or more calmly, I pray he steps up to this challenge. This has basically been the big challenge in our marriage with communication. I explained this too. Reassurance is better than a pissed off "what do you want me to do?" How can he not get that?

The 2nd reason I'm irritated is because my brothers just don't get the joke on the fact that I'm a chronic pain patient. I'm hurting terribly right now. It is a phase that will end, but it is rough. I go through stages on my pain where sometimes it is bad, sometimes it is not so bad. I am struggling to function right now. I need to exercise more and get more rest. I need to reduce my stress and driving. I need to fight depression. All of these factors increase pain when I don't stay on top of them.

When they want me to handle all the store visits it makes me angry. I am doing 3 days a week. This is more than I bargained for when I came to work with them and more than I prefer to be driving. Driving makes pain worse for me -- the posture of the arms and neck just kill me. So here I am doing the center visit schedules and he's telling me I'll need to pick up his visits when he has transfer meetings come up. Sorry, the answer is no. I told him he'd need to reschedule those and that pissed him right off. Well tough. I'm not taking on all these visits. There is a limit and I'm past mine.

I hate how they just don't get that -- I have to remind them that I have limits constantly. I do not like having limits. I do not like having chronic pain. I do not like that I have to say no, and I do not like having to repeat myself every three months when I make schedules. The situation isn't changing, just because I look fine doesn't mean I am. Invisible health issues suck.

Having to suck it up at work about my grief sucks too. Men are so different than women. We are about feelings, they are about actions. I feel like I need time away, they feel better burying themselves in work. If I don't do the same I'm a slacker.

Yes, today I am irritated.

(I've started each post with "Today I feel..." lately because this was recommended in a book I read as a good way to write a journal to get out your feelings. Obviously I'm struggling with feelings... Hopefully writing about all this will help sort things out).