Well, depression has hit. I'm fighting hard, but even minimal functioning is exhausting for me this week. July 4th has always been a big deal. My Mom would rent a place up north and we'd all go for at least the weekend. She and my Dad saved up and bought a place and worked really hard to remodel and fix it up. My siblings and our families all would go up on the 4th every year -- there was room for all of us! Mom worked hard to make it a home away from home. Nicer than my home! Anyway, this will be our first 4th without her. My husband can't go up with me (this would happen sometimes as summer is his busy season at work). I hate being the single mom for vacation (how do single moms do it??) I hate the thought of going up without him this first time without my Mom. I'm already moody and grumpy. Maybe it will be better when I get there. I've just been dreading it and I usually can't wait to go.

Maybe being in the house for the first time will feel like a great big hug from her. DH is such a great support to lean on.... everyone else is hurting too so I'll have nobody to lean on without him. My son walked up several times today just to huge me. Maybe he should be a priest -- he always reaches out if he senses you hurting. I got flowers at Costco today to drop off at her grave on our way out of town (the kids and I like the cemetery, it is peaceful). I have not packed yet and am not motivated.

We've had chaos on the home front for 2 weeks during patio and porch construction. Dogs have to be on leash vs. being let out the bag door -- UGH!! I will be so happy when the construction is over and I've survived the party I'm having for my sister next weekend. So much to do.... it can wait until Wednesday when I come back home and do the pre party scramble!!!

Hope you all have a fabulous 4th! Thanks for letting me vent.... sometimes letting out what depresses you helps you push through it....