What I wrote Tuesday night:

I went to grief counseling at my church tonight. I was pretty bummed that my sister and I ended up in the same group. I am angry at her for being so angry. I am angry at her for all the support she gets that I don't get. So what does she do during the group discussion? Trumps my grief with HER grief. WTF? Why does she always do this to me? Poor her. She got married after her mom died. DAMMIT, MY MOM DIED TOO!!!!!!! Why is she the center of the universe. I wish she wasn't there tonight. What I need to vent is how my sister is the center of all grief and how we are all minimized in her shadow. Poor her. I'm so sick of it I could puke. F*ck her. F*ck her grief. She has support at work. Her husband is worried about HER, not about her kids (they don't have any). My husband is so busy picking up the slack and helping with the kids -- how the hell is he supposed to pretend that I'm the center of the universe and my grief is the most important thing in the world? He's busy trying to maintain the family business and make up for where I lack. I work with my brothers who are not a support system because they need support too. I don't have as many friends to dote over me because my life has been my kids, not my friends. What do I do now? Call old friends who I've lost touch with for their support? So much for grief counseling -- my sister owns the grief and I'm just a petty player on her stage. DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How I am now:

I've decided to talk to a facilitator before class next week. I'll let them know my anger issues with my sister. My main anger is that she is so darn angry and inconsiderate of the feelings of everyone that is in this boat with her. She makes family events hell. She has so much support around her and then demands more support from us who need it too. Her work group is supportive, she is part of the teen group at church who love her, she has lots of friends. But she is frustrated with me that I can't come help her clean her house. Hello? I'm not the one who gets home by 4:00 and doesn't have kids!!! I'm not crazy, her life is less complicated than my life as a working professional, mother, and student. I should not be cleaning her house. I am not going to clean her house and I am not going to feel sorry for her. I am over her. This grief counseling is for me. I am going to ask the facilitators how to handle the problem of her.