I did it. I tossed the cigarettes in the trash at the gas station this morning. I love them and I want them, but I should not have them (especially after the pneumonia this year and my current nasty cold). I need to quit, I want to quit, I will quit. Hiding this from my kids is making me feel like a huge jerk. I wish I had not allowed myself this weakness. My self discipline improved in that I did finish the reading for my class this week! YIPPEE! Now I just have to catch up on the ton of work assigned this week in my online class. No rest for the wicked
. I didn't work out at the gym last night and I should have. I need to find my discipline there! But I did make a fabulous soup or stew type thing that is in the slow cooker right now waiting to feed the kids and sitter tonight while I'm at class. I'm proud to have pulled off a healthy meal! I am drinking less which is important for reducing my calorie intake. I was also given a new medication by my doctor that I want to start taking and I don't think they would mix. This medicine will help me sleep. I think sleep will make a huge difference in how I feel physically and emotionally. Will power is stronger when you are not drained and dragging.
Funny update from my son on his reading buddy who loves him -- her best friend "loves" him now too. He is appalled. I'm cracking up!
This weekend my sister and I are supposed to go over and clean out my mom's clothes from my dad's house. It was a year ago that the cancer returned. It feels like yesterday and a hundred years ago at the same time. I am relieved to finally be cleaning her stuff out. Her clothes still hang in the closets, I'm not sure but I think her toothbrush is still in the bathroom. My sister is finally caving in to the fact that we have to get this done. I'd be happy to do it without her, but that isn't going to happen. It isn't a fun task, but it needs to be done.
Is it strange that I want some of the clothes for me? In my mind it would be like getting a hug from her every time I would wear her sweater or coat. I think my sister would be creeped out by this and would be opposed to me having mom's things. I think she'd rather give it all away. I don't want to do that. I'm working on losing weight and will fit into a lot of the tops soon. My mom had great taste and timeless style. Giving these things away when I can put them to good use (and save money on clothes) seems silly. Is this disgusting of me? Am I some kind of freak? Should I not even try to save anything...??? Also -- I would be careful NOT to wear any clothing I would keep when I'm around my Dad, sister, or brothers.
Comments welcome.... I'm at a loss.
I just got back from lunch and am VERY proud to report that I did not stop to get more cigarettes. I wanted to get more because I wanted to smoke and drive. I love to smoke while I drive. Driving and smoking, smoking and driving -- fun! I will try to brainwash myself to the contrary and enjoy the ease of each breath taken smoke free. Anyway, I didn't smoke on my lunch hour and that is a good start.
1 comment:
way to go on the smokes! I'm going to do the same thing soon. When each pack runs out. I think, well that's it. I just won't buy anymore. It had been about 4 days with no smokes. then last night I had to make a quick stop to buy some "milk". ohhh. I just don't have the will power yet.
The clothing thing _is_ hard. It's the hardest, most personnel thing. In one way, I just want to hug my Dad's clothes and smell them. But we decided to donate them. At the last minute. I grabbed one of his paint shirts and put it in my closet. And as it turns out, the load my sister took in her car ended up entirely in her house. she didn't actually drop any of them off. too hard. Anyway. they should be taken away from your Dad's house. he can't go on that way. Box them up, hang them in your closet. but... Well, I can only say for myself, the pain of remembering is just too painfull. even if it is remembering love and joy, it's just to painfull. Your sister may feel this way, but if you want those clothes, you take them. Maybe not wear them to family events, but take them. I just took some stuff to goodwill last week, and I've laid awake at night wishing I still had them. I mean it was just cheep kitchen stuff (my Dad lived on his own) that I don't need or have any place to put. We are of course keeping all the memory items and the good stuff. but I can't part with anything. such a mess and I'm such a pack rat, I don't have room for all this stuff. uggg..
Okay. that's my rambling. Good luck this weekend. Stay strong, but nice. Sisters are tough, she can take it.
love, wednesday girl.
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