I didn't smoke as I drove to the University and back last night for my class. A big accomplishment, but not as major as me not smoking this morning. I would have wrestled in mud for a smoke this morning. So, as I drove I convinced myself that I would have a bagel instead at Dunkin'Donuts' - home of the best coffee ever. I get there and the bagel racks were empty. Empty. How sad. I could have eaten my right arm.

I'm at the office now clutching my coffee. I look about my desk wishing for crumbs, but alas this office is a desert without sustenance. Thank goodness I bring my own coffee. It is strange being the only female here at the office with my Dad and 2 brothers. Apparently they don't need to eat throughout the day. Or maybe they get up earlier than me.

My family loved the stew/soup thing I made for last night. I think this means the sky is falling or the world is ending. Typically the reactions to the meals I cook are pretty poor. "I'm not eating that!" is the typical response when sustenance is presented. I'm not the most motivated cook in the world, I prefer to bake but don't do that often due to the need to lose weight. (Maybe fate was stepping in to tell me something on the bagels this morning?)

My diet has been horrible and I've gained back too much of the weight I lost this year. I am eating healthier now but not reducing calories or exercising enough to lose. Grrrrrr. I need to hit the gym but with this cold I'd rather lay in the snow naked than work out. I found a Slim Fast breakfast bar in my drawer! Oh the bliss!!! Sometimes it is the little things. . .

Lunch came and went without me smoking. I wanted to stop and pick some up, but I didn't and that is another step in the right direction. Now the challenge will be surviving the weekend without one. I must. I like it better when I'm not hiding things from those I love. I also know that cancer sucks and I don't need to do anything else to encourage its formation in my body. Too bad I can't replace smoking with eating -- I love eating too!

I've decided to keep the clothes I want from my Mom and will avoid wearing them around family. My dad is fine with that. I miss her so much. I can't believe it was a year ago yesterday that my mom was diagnosed. On the bright side, I still am glad she was my mom. I would take a shorter time with her vs. a longer time with any other. I hope and pray that I am half as good a mom.