Today was a good day despite having to work (whiners bring me down) and despite having to attend Linguistics class. It was the first time in a long time that I felt my Mom with me -- kind of like she was watching over me as I drove too fast to get to class... March 26 last year is the day that she passed. I have been trying not to focus on this, but you just can't help it. It really hit me on vacation. I have been trying to focus on the good memories ever since instead of doing the typical "a year ago at this time we were.." type of thinking.

A year ago this week Dad and I were trying to find a nursing facility that could take her insurance and hospice. A year ago St. Patrick's Day I awoke at 7 am and rushed to the hospital. It occurred to me that morning that this was her last St. Patrick's Day so I decorated her room. It was important to me to bring the celebration to her if she could not get out to it.

Every year we make a big deal out of St. Patrick's Day. Since my kids could walk I put green food coloring in the toilets and every liquid in the fridge. "The leprechauns came again!" is what I always say. My kids just turned 9 and 10 and they STILL look forward to this tradition.

Last year I had to call my husband on the phone and walk him through the process as I rushed to be by my Mom's side. I believe the little traditions in life are what are special to kids. I could have kicked myself for not having it more together that morning. I didn't shower and I was late for work, but dammit that room was decorated! Balloons, signs, shamrocks, flowers, clings, stickies, cups, plates, and napkins -- I brought it all! Mom got a kick out of it and so did the army of medical staff that was caring for her.

It is shocking that she only lasted 9 more days. She was lucid and smiling all day that day. I need to decorate still for St. Patrick's Day -- I have nothing up. It is hard pulling out the things I used to decorate her room. It is hard to believe she really isn't here with us anymore. One of her best friends put shamrocks at the grave the other day. Nevermind that it was 65-70 degrees all weekend and that it dropped to 34 today -- her friend knew the cold was coming. What was important to her was to include my Mom in her St. Patrick's Day rituals. Giving shamrocks to her only made sense -- who cares if they freeze?

Life is so bitters sweet. I miss my Mom -- not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Now, what to do with and for my kids this year? I need to rally. Happy St. Patrick's Day!