Depression has crept in. Why didn't I see it coming? I need to get moving again so I can snap out of it -- the problem is that I'm so darn tired. I hate this relentless cycle of depression. I would be so happy to just sleep the days away. That is how I know I'm depressed again. I've been off depression medicine for a year and was doing well. Now that my class is over it is the collapse after the crisis. I beat myself up over stupid things and struggle to accomplish anything. Everything seems like too much effort. I look at going to the grocery store as if it were climbing Mt. Everest. What is up with that? Why does my brain work like this? Anxiety then creeps in...

At least I recognize the cycle, now to just break it again. Time to drink coffee and hope to feel better.

Okay, the coffee helped. My fuzzy brain is clearing a little. I'm depressed because I've been coming to terms with the money situation and it is really stressing me out. I am not spending money right now as I have in the past. Yesterday I made the mistake of adding up how much compensation T has not gotten from the family business in the last few months. Why do I do this? When I keep track is when it upsets me. But I guess I need to be upset if I am to help T move toward doing something about his work situation.

As I've stated before, it just stinks that he works for family and that protecting the interests of our family goes against the interests of his parents. But his parents are not sinking deeper in debt. His parents don't have 2 kids to feed, a large mortgage, and car payments. His parents have a newly built house that the family business helped pay for to a great extent. They have a mortgage but bartered a ton of work on the house and so the payment is less than half of our payment. We have not enjoyed the barter system on any of our home improvements. We took out a home equity line and have used that for our improvements on the house that was built in 1917. We've also had to use the line for my tuition since our savings have been eaten by the dry spells of T's work. Construction sucks in this state and he can't get out because the equipment is not paid off. Things are not getting better now that summer is here and I'm scared.

I'm trying not to be bitter, but there comes a point when our savings has eroded, our debt has grown, and his family does not appreciate our sacrifice because T doesn't clue them in. They say things like "At least you have 2 paychecks coming in and not one." My MIL can't work due to health issues. They don't have half our expenses so I'm really not sympathetic to my inlaws situation anymore. We are going deeper in debt so that T and his dad can pay off the company debt. Since this company is failing, I just don't see the point.

My poor husband had to hear all of this from me yesterday. I told him to tell his Dad what this is doing to our finances. I told him that the business is going to have to pay us back or he's going to have consider a part time job -- even on a temporary basis. His response is that we should not go to my cousin's wedding this weekend. What is a few hundred dollars against thousands? We are going to the wedding.

Boy is it frustrating. I'm still going to play the lottery. I don't want a big jackpot -- just a small one to take the edge off.

A girl has to dream :-) What is with me and the sideways smiley faces lately?