Sorry... and still awake today!

I'm sorry my last post was so darn depressing. I didn't intend to be. It came out of me all of a sudden. It was hard to write, but I feel so much better now that I've taken those memories out and examined them a bit. It was much like taking an artifact out of a case and reviewing all the different facets. I don't want to forget. I don't want to let go of these memories because they are too significant. They are part of me now. These things were hard to go through, but facing the memories makes me feel better somehow.

It is strange to have the fog lifting somewhat. Some days I felt I couldn't feel again. Now I feel everything very deeply. Your comments on the "Awakening" post brought me comfort. Thank you. Thank you for reading it and hanging in there for the whole thing. I am sorry for being so long and so depressing.... I know when I read through someone else's pain it can bring mine back to being fresh.

I am feeling much better after letting the words flow out. I just feel like it is such a significant part of me. I don't want to lose those memories. I need to know that I can go back to them. I can add to that post when I reread it. I can fill in the colors and bits that get lost the first time you let yourself look back. I mean really look at the memory. I don't trust my memory, not after the stroke. I want my memories, even the ones that hurt. The hurt of those memories does not blunt the beauty of the small moments of comfort that came with them.

I have been shocked since my Mom passed as her friends have told me that they see her in me. I am shocked and honored. I see now how her difficult memories made her who she was. She was raised by alcoholics and had a rough childhood. I think it made her appreciate her good times all the more. I can not begin to tell you how many times in my life I heard her say "Isn't this the best?" or "This is the BEST!" It could be a day at the beach, a wonderful meal, a sunset, a cold glass of water on a hot day... for my Mom, it was the best!

By looking back at the worst, I better appreciate that the rest can be the best. I just have to look at it that way. I have to let (or force?) myself to appreciate the small things. I never used to be able to do that very well. Now I find it is easier because the contrast is so glaring. I am much less focused on me now. It is kind of like when you have kids -- your own needs become secondary to their needs. What I want is so much less important now. Enjoying the moment is what is important. Appreciating the little things like the sunsets is what matters.

It is strange to see how it will never be okay again, and yet, it can still be the best when I stop and soak it all in.