Warning sign?

Why is it that during a time of joy I am seeing an ugly warning sign of what might be to come? Why is that I realize things more clearly right now? I would just like a few days of joy without this shadow.

???

The shadow is my sister's husband. I have had a slight inkling for a while that something was amiss. I wrote it off because I could not quite put my finger on what was making me uncomfortable. I now realise that it is that he is very controlling but in an extremely subtle manner.

My sister asked me to come to the hospital and take pictures. She liked the pictures I took of my other nieces who were born in May. The nurses said it was fine to take pictures in the NICU. My brother inlaw said no -- I thought it was because Baby had not had her first bath. I came back upon my sister's request. Again the brother inlaw said no, not until she is in the room and out of the NICU. My razor tongued sister didn't utter a peep. She asked me to take pictures and now she had no backbone to say "Let's get some pictures!" to her husband. She looked sad and apologized. "We can do the pictures later, sorry you came all the way out here but we thought she'd be in our room by now." I made three trips out to the hospital (45 minutes away) and it was the same each time. Not that I could have been studying for finals this weekend.

He sat next to my sister stoic and calm. If she needed to get up for something he was right there. I mean, right there. NOBODY else was allowed to help my sister. Not me, not my Dad, not a nurse. HE is there. "NOPE, we don't need anything from you -- I've got it under control."

I am now starting to piece it together... My sister and I started drifting apart when he came into the picture. I was happy she needed me less. I was relieved my Hubby didn't have to rescue her all the time anymore. I was grateful that she could depend on her husband now. He was a bit of a martyr, but other than that seemed fine. Then I noticed his tendency to be a bit boastful. An unattractive trait, but not criminal. I got a little sick of his constant "Yes, dear." routine. Whatever, he can suck up to his wife -- that's fine. I'm glad my husband isn't like that!

But now, I wonder. I watched him these last three days. I watched her. I watched him control her thoughts and wishes like I have never seen before. She was so happy to see me there. He was so happy to see me leave. Always happiest when I leave. I have never been very comfortable around him. I thought it was just that he was odd. (Yes I had the tact to not act like it). I could not tell what made me uneasy.

There was the time he erased my phone message to her and lied to my face about it. She had left me a nasty message and I left her one back (we are sisters, it happens people!). I called her again and she wasn't there... I asked if she'd gotten my message and he said he hadn't checked them. Later she told me that he had and that he'd deleted my message. She told him that was dumb, she'd expected an irritated message from me because she'd baited me and wanted me to react. She said he told her what I'd said but couldn't imitate my inflection and that this had irritated her. How could she get the point of my message without my tone? She told him not to delete again. I never left her another message of any meaning ever again. I didn't need to be screened.

I think I am uneasy because he is putting on a show. He is pretending to be the victim all the time while in reality he is the true puppet master. I don't think he beats her -- but he controls her. When she was pregnant if she complained at all he would say "You wanted to be pregnant." Um, hello? You got her that way and wanted a kid too -- could you show some sympathy?

My sister praises him too much. "Oh he has been wonderful. I feel bad that he had to see me like that -- it was so hard on him" is how she describes him seeing her in labor. He suffered watching her pain. He is ringing phony to me. She is conceding to his wishes on everything. "Don't call the nurse, she said she'd be here in a half hour. She'll be here and we can ask her then." It is about control. He has it.

I asked my Hubby his thoughts about my brother inlaw. He has had the same inklings. He expressed his disappointment that we are not closer but that this guy is just not someone you can get close to... if it isn't about his family it isn't a priority to him. I don't know... it just does not feel right. I am worried for my sister. She is not so strong. She is vulnerable.

My husband's negative feelings are worse than mine. My husband thinks our brother inlaw is the type you read about in the paper. The kind of guy who one day just snaps. I hope he is wrong. How strange that we both had this bad feeling and can finally verbalize it after seeing the brother inlaw in action at the hospital. It sounds dumb, but you just had to be there.

I hope we are wrong. There is nothing we can say. There is nothing concrete. There is just a nagging bad feeling that won't leave. I feel guilty writing about it. I hope to one day return to this post and add "Forget what I said, I was crazy!"

It is a shadow that hangs over us... making us worry and watch. I hate feeling this way. I wish I didn't. I feel worse that Hubby feels this way too -- he is one heck of a reasonable guy who does not let his imagination run away with him.... Maybe getting it out here will put it out of my mind for a bit...

Ugh. Off to study for exams.