Odd Happiness

So it feels strange to be happy in my current circumstance, but I am!  My son is at a public bowling alley with his friends he met at "the looney bin."  He calls it that and I think this means he is getting healthier.  He tried to kill himself two and a half weeks ago.  He took a massive overdose of another family member's medication.  His plan was all or none.  This was not meant to be a suicide attempt.  He intended a successful suicide.  Wonder Boy didn't realize that it was not his time to go.  I thank God that I am watching over my suicidal son right now.  I am so grateful that he failed at his plan and that I'm not planning a funeral.

He woke up from his attempt the morning after he took the pills.  His plan was to sleep and never wake.  He was in top physical  condition due to it just being the end of his sport's season at school.  

We learned in January that he was having trouble sleeping.  We got him in to a sleep specialist and knew he was sad.  He was being a champ and going to school even though he was too exhausted to sleep.  

He was bravely going through the motions with little to no sleep as we awaited his sleep study results in March.  Little did we know that he was deeply depressed.  He was talking and the counselor and doctor told us not to panic about the depression because we had identified the root cause (sleep) and were working to resolve the issue.  There were much deeper issues.  

Wonder Boy was severely depressed, suffered from lack of sleep, had anxiety and had been bulimic since October.  We only found out about the sleep in January!  My baby (he is 16 but he is still my baby) had been suffering from all of this since October.  His thoughts of suicide began in January.  He did not tell us despite daily conversational check ins.  He did not tell us because he did not want to hurt our feelings.  Oh, and having my son die wouldn't hurt my feelings?  His response was that he would not be here to see it.  He would be dead.  Mental illness results in disconnect nonlogical thinking.

He felt sick the morning after his massive overdose.  The day before he had eaten poorly so I was a mean mom that morning.  I told him that he felt sick because he ate total crap yesterday.  "You made your bed, now you are going to lie in it.  You are going to school and will suffer through the day" is what I said.  I don't know what possessed me be such a mean mom. Thank God I was. He lived.