I survived yesterday! I was a wreck. We had a service at our church for all the church members of our church who have passed this year. Our church puts a cross on the wall at each funeral with the name of the person who passed. Each year after All Saints Day they have a service and give the crosses to the families. My Dad got my Mom's cross. Family members lit candles for each person who our parish lost this year. I will miss having the cross on the wall there at church. It was nice to go visit and think of her. I guess it would get overwhelming if you left them up more than a year.... but I'll miss her cross all the same.
Tonight we have been invited to another service at the nursing facility where my Mom passed. I know I will have a hard time walking in there (I was with her when she passed in March). They have planted a tree in her memory that I'm looking forward to seeing. I wonder if I'll see the nurses and techs who were so very kind. I hope so. I hope I don't fall apart on them if they are there. The facility is a Catholic organization -- hence the tie in to All Saints Day again.

My Dad and sister and I are going to grief counseling through our church. I find it helpful (especially last week when my sister was not there). Hopefully time will bring her and I back together. She is difficult for me to be around because her anger is too much for me. It doesn't have to be aimed at me for it to hurt me. I'm working on this. It is hard. My brothers are not going to this. I wish they were.

I'm also sick of people saying it is great for me to be there for my Dad by going to Masses for my Mom. I'm there for ME too. Remembering her is not just for him. It is amazing to me what can be irritating to me -- I don't like being that way. They just assume I'm there to support him (and I am), but I'm also there for ME and could use some support myself. Saying it out loud makes me seem like a selfish oaf.

May tonight go as well as last night. My Dad made the comment that it was nice but that he wasn't sure he'd survive 2 nights in a row of this -- I feel the same way. My head hurts already... I wish I could take a nap.