Been smoking cigarettes this week. It was a comfort with all of the stress going on. I will be strong and stop after this weekend.

Jessica's funeral was amazing. Her family is amazing -- during the prayers of the faithful we prayed for the driver of the other car and his family. I think that is amazingly forgiving when you consider he took their daughter's life running a stop sign. I have so much respect for them that they see him as needing prayers as well. They are good people who have taught everyone a lot this week.

Tonight is my first class and I'm not caught up on the reading -- why do I thrive on being a last minute studier?

I'm not taking picture this week -- I miss posting my silly pictures of spring blooms. I hope to plan annuals this weekend. I love flowers in the yard. I never thought I'd be such a flower child. Growing up I thought my mother was insane to waste her time on flowers. Now I appreciate the beauty they add to our personal environment.

Was it weird that I put the Mother's Day flowers out at my Mom's grave prior to attending yesterday's funeral? I thought it would be nice for my sister and Dad to see when driving in the funeral procession. I also knew that Friday and Saturday would drain me (work, class Friday 5-9pm, Saturday class 9-5pm, wedding). I reasoned getting the flowers out early would be a good thing. I know I do the flowers for me and not for her. She liked flowers but wouldn't have wanted me to spend money on flowers. I do it for me -- I leave half of what I buy for her and keep half at home for me -- I love looking at them and feel connected to mom with my shared flowers.

Then I think, did I put the flowers there so that people would see them and know we have not forgotten Mom? Am I sending a message to the world that we still love and miss her? Her grave is right at the front of the cemetery and everyone drives by it. Dad designed a beautiful upright stone that you can not miss. Am I shallow and did I put the flowers out partly to show the funeral goers (who knew my Mom) that we are still thinking about Mom?

What is wrong with me that I think like this? Initially I thought putting them out early was a good idea since it would be nice for my dad to see when they drove past. He is always pleasantly surprised by the flowers I put out -- he always asks if it was me and then tells me how nice they look. It makes me feel good to see that smile on his face. That is what I thought about when putting the flowers out early. Then later I wondered if it looked tacky and if I was partly wanting to show others that we still care.

What kind of freakish person over-analyzes something so small? I am getting better at my flower arranging. The flowers looked really nice. I like that green florist's foam that you tuck the stems into -- vases get knocked over by wild animals looking for a drink. The key at this cemetery is to go with an arrangement vs. a vase. Trial and error has taught me so much about flowers :)

Okay, my Dad just called. I feel SO MUCH BETTER!!! He asked if I was the one who put out the flowers that he saw yesterday. He told me they were beautiful and said "You're the best!" He was really happy I did that. Now I feel so much better. I admit that his compliments mean the world to me. I will stop over analyzing my motivations and trust my gut. At least for the next few minutes....