Depression to hope?

"Depression.... it hurts everyone." I fell like I am living this cliched commercial.

Hubby has been fighting depression for a while. He has been working for the past year -- overnight the first half, and now in a day job which does not appear to be offering as much room for advancement (professional AND financial) as described in the interviews. Hubby is now a functional depressive -- he performs well at work and then stumbles through life at home. He sleeps so much we had him evaluated at a sleep clinic (he has some sleep apnea, not severe). If you didn't know, sleep can be an indicator of depression. When my depression is at it's worst I'm all about taking naps. Hubby has fallen into this ugly cycle.

So, we had him evaluated for sleep issues and now we have come to face the truth this week that the issue is depression and not so much sleep. I suspected as much but pushed for the sleep evaluation in order to rule sleep out as an issue.

In talking to Hubby deeper on the subject I came to realize that he does not remember life before depression. He was trapped in the dying family business for so long. He tried to keep his parents afloat while we sank. He tried to keep the business alive that he was to inherit. And, in this state's economy we watched it die. During all of this he had to deal with ME and my health issues, pain, stroke, surgery, migraines, depression, and blood clots. He has had to deal with me working full time while attending school. He had to deal with his mother's endless hospitalizations. He had to deal with his depressed father who WOULD NOT face reality. He had to deal with the death of my mother -- whom he loved most likely more than his own mother. The rough patch has lasted about 7 years.

I do not wonder WHY hubby is depressed.

I wonder why it took me so long to stop making excuses for it. I kept telling myself "It will get better now that his resume is done." Or, "It will be better now that he is interviewing" or "It will be better now that he got the job" or "It will be better once he finishes training" or "It will be better when his sleep is fixed."

It didn't get better.

I told him he is not himself, that he has not been himself in a REALLY long time. I remember who he is, and he is NOT himself right now. He admitted he does not remember what it is like NOT to drag himself through the day. He does not remember what it is like to feel ambition, optimism, and satisfaction. He does not remember what it is like to be hopeful about the future. Sure, we are buried in debt, but that is no reason to be without any hope. We have a good life. He is missing out. He does not remember what it was like before he was depressed. If you have not been there, this is a major indicator that this is not a minor depression. This is a deep depression that requires help. Not my help, professional help.

He agrees he needs more help than a pill from our primary care physician. He is agreeable to me going with him to the doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. He has been depressed for so long that medication will need to be part of getting back on track. The medication that he is on is not doing the trick. I know that depression can be helped. I know it is a chemical imbalance in your system at times. I know that Hubby isn't good about calling our doctor to say "I don't think I'm better."

Treating deep depression means trying things and working through dosage adjustments. It will mean going back every 4 weeks until he feels good -- not settling for "better."

Better sucks.

Better means he doesn't wish he was dead. Better is not good enough. He needs to feel good about the good in his life and to have the drive to work toward goals. Heck, he needs the drive to set goals. He needs the drive to start over in a career midlife -- yeah, it sucks, but get over it and move on! The time for mourning is over. He agrees and wants help. After our discussions he realizes that our primary care physician is not the solution. He needs a doctor who's main job is helping with depression. He needs a doctor who says -- "Come back in 3 weeks and we will see how you are doing." Our doctor says "Call me if you don't feel better." For Hubby, this is not good enough. He doesn't realize he isn't better because he is so depressed he just sleep walks through his existence. He does not know what better is.

I'm so glad he agrees this is part of the issue and is willing to see the doctor for a referral. I'm glad he is now willing to talk about the issue. I am glad that he sees that this is not a good way to life. I'm glad he wants to get to the point of hoping again. I already see a hint of the spark in his eyes as he talks about working through the process of getting better. He is joking a little more. He is trying... I am proud of him.

Depression DOES hurt everyone around you.

If you think you are depressed, please get help. My husband's depression has been killing me slowly... it has hurt his relationship with the kids because he barks at them without realizing it. This too shall pass and can be mended, but he didn't see it until I forced the issue. I made it visible. It was hard and took a toll on me. It isn't comfortable telling the one you love that they are killing you. It isn't comfortable telling someone that their lack of motivation is bringing your blood pressure up.

It was not fun... but I'm glad I did because he is FINALLY getting it. I love him. We will get through this. Please pray for him. He needs to break out of this depression so that he can discern the path of his future. Your prayers are appreciated....