Summer!

I am excited -- I get to sleep in tomorrow! It is has not yet sunk in that I have survived my first year teaching. I have learned so much... my mind will not shut off on things I want to do (and do differently) next year! I miss my students already!

My chronic pain has been bad... hopefully getting more rest will help. It is so strange how pain can be ignored when you are crazy busy and then once things calm down it rears it's ugly head. I swear the moment I start to relax I feel the pain so much more. I wonder if this is normal for pain people? It seems to be my normal. It makes relaxing feel like a bad idea almost.... almost!

I'm sad that Hubby will not be able to take off for the 4th.... I hate vacationing without him. It feels so lonely.

My doctor did not agree to the MRI to put my worries to rest on the breast issues. It appears the lump is benign..... but the calcifications in the mammogram need to cook a bit longer. We are in the watch and wait mode. Apparently you get to see them light up your films and then you get to wait 6 months to see what they will do. I have 3 more months to let them grow since their first appearance. According to all current research this wait does not impact the five year survival rate.

To be perfectly honest I would be happy to have a double mastectomy right now. I'm sick of cysts, bumps, lumps, and scans. My breasts have become my enemies and I'd be happier without them. It wouldn't be so bad to have a removal and replacement. I know it sounds crazy, but there is a lot to be said for peace of mind.

I'm enjoying Super Girl and Wonder Boy hitting the teen stage.... how did my babies get this old?

I love winter Olympics!

I want to be a snowboarder so that I can get the really cool outfit. I love that plaid!!! How cool would I be in this outfit? I think I could rock it..... I'd be stoked.

Apollo Anton Ono you are very cool, but what is up with that chin mohawk? This is not a fashion yes..... it is a NO. Please shave or don't shave -- just don't make us witness this in between thing you have going on....
Dude, you can afford a shave....

In other random news.... my sister's friend approached me about my sister's husband. She tells me that she is worried, she thinks he is odd and controlling... Wow, it took you how many years to notice? It isn't like I'm a rocket scientist -- why was I the only one to notice and worry until now? Why does my radar go off so far ahead of everyone else? We shall see, maybe we are all wrong. Maybe he is the great guy she claims he is.... I hope so.

It is nice to blog again, even if my posts are random and not very cohesive.... it is easier to write it out than talk it out sometimes......

Depression to hope?

"Depression.... it hurts everyone." I fell like I am living this cliched commercial.

Hubby has been fighting depression for a while. He has been working for the past year -- overnight the first half, and now in a day job which does not appear to be offering as much room for advancement (professional AND financial) as described in the interviews. Hubby is now a functional depressive -- he performs well at work and then stumbles through life at home. He sleeps so much we had him evaluated at a sleep clinic (he has some sleep apnea, not severe). If you didn't know, sleep can be an indicator of depression. When my depression is at it's worst I'm all about taking naps. Hubby has fallen into this ugly cycle.

So, we had him evaluated for sleep issues and now we have come to face the truth this week that the issue is depression and not so much sleep. I suspected as much but pushed for the sleep evaluation in order to rule sleep out as an issue.

In talking to Hubby deeper on the subject I came to realize that he does not remember life before depression. He was trapped in the dying family business for so long. He tried to keep his parents afloat while we sank. He tried to keep the business alive that he was to inherit. And, in this state's economy we watched it die. During all of this he had to deal with ME and my health issues, pain, stroke, surgery, migraines, depression, and blood clots. He has had to deal with me working full time while attending school. He had to deal with his mother's endless hospitalizations. He had to deal with his depressed father who WOULD NOT face reality. He had to deal with the death of my mother -- whom he loved most likely more than his own mother. The rough patch has lasted about 7 years.

I do not wonder WHY hubby is depressed.

I wonder why it took me so long to stop making excuses for it. I kept telling myself "It will get better now that his resume is done." Or, "It will be better now that he is interviewing" or "It will be better now that he got the job" or "It will be better once he finishes training" or "It will be better when his sleep is fixed."

It didn't get better.

I told him he is not himself, that he has not been himself in a REALLY long time. I remember who he is, and he is NOT himself right now. He admitted he does not remember what it is like NOT to drag himself through the day. He does not remember what it is like to feel ambition, optimism, and satisfaction. He does not remember what it is like to be hopeful about the future. Sure, we are buried in debt, but that is no reason to be without any hope. We have a good life. He is missing out. He does not remember what it was like before he was depressed. If you have not been there, this is a major indicator that this is not a minor depression. This is a deep depression that requires help. Not my help, professional help.

He agrees he needs more help than a pill from our primary care physician. He is agreeable to me going with him to the doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. He has been depressed for so long that medication will need to be part of getting back on track. The medication that he is on is not doing the trick. I know that depression can be helped. I know it is a chemical imbalance in your system at times. I know that Hubby isn't good about calling our doctor to say "I don't think I'm better."

Treating deep depression means trying things and working through dosage adjustments. It will mean going back every 4 weeks until he feels good -- not settling for "better."

Better sucks.

Better means he doesn't wish he was dead. Better is not good enough. He needs to feel good about the good in his life and to have the drive to work toward goals. Heck, he needs the drive to set goals. He needs the drive to start over in a career midlife -- yeah, it sucks, but get over it and move on! The time for mourning is over. He agrees and wants help. After our discussions he realizes that our primary care physician is not the solution. He needs a doctor who's main job is helping with depression. He needs a doctor who says -- "Come back in 3 weeks and we will see how you are doing." Our doctor says "Call me if you don't feel better." For Hubby, this is not good enough. He doesn't realize he isn't better because he is so depressed he just sleep walks through his existence. He does not know what better is.

I'm so glad he agrees this is part of the issue and is willing to see the doctor for a referral. I'm glad he is now willing to talk about the issue. I am glad that he sees that this is not a good way to life. I'm glad he wants to get to the point of hoping again. I already see a hint of the spark in his eyes as he talks about working through the process of getting better. He is joking a little more. He is trying... I am proud of him.

Depression DOES hurt everyone around you.

If you think you are depressed, please get help. My husband's depression has been killing me slowly... it has hurt his relationship with the kids because he barks at them without realizing it. This too shall pass and can be mended, but he didn't see it until I forced the issue. I made it visible. It was hard and took a toll on me. It isn't comfortable telling the one you love that they are killing you. It isn't comfortable telling someone that their lack of motivation is bringing your blood pressure up.

It was not fun... but I'm glad I did because he is FINALLY getting it. I love him. We will get through this. Please pray for him. He needs to break out of this depression so that he can discern the path of his future. Your prayers are appreciated....

Pediatric Sleep Apnea & More

Okay, it is beyond pediatric sleep apnea now. Wonder Boy (his sidewalk chalk work in the photo above) has been on the CPAP machine (and compliant) for the better part of 2 months... We have been struggling with the sleep issue for a while now. He has gone along with us (kicking and screaming) and he is still really tired. The poor kid just drags. Picture Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. He has a heck of a time falling asleep and a HELL of a time getting up in the morning. He drags himself through most days and has become quite the absent minded professor. You would be absent minded too if you were not getting any restful sleep. I was a mess prior to getting diagnosed and treated for sleep apnea... I feel for him.

Unfortunately, Wonder Boy is special. His sleep apnea only kicks in during REM sleep and his body has compensated by reducing the amount of REM sleep he gets. Basically, his body won't let him get into much REM. REM sleep is your most restorative sleep. It is a wonder this kid is doing as well as he is... and this is his worst semester EVER. (I think the sleepiness is not helping with the absent minded professor thing he already had going... he does the work, then forgets to hand it in.)

So today Hubby took Wonder Boy back to the sleep specialist today for a heart to heart. We needed to get to the bottom of this so I made Hubby go. The truth is that I felt really guilty about how long it has taken to get Wonder Boy to use the CPAP, I felt too guilty to face the doctor since I'm the bad mom who missed the last appointment. Yep, I bit the bullet and let Hubby face the sleep specialist, I was too ashamed.

Well, apparently a small percentage of kids like Wonder Boy don't respond to CPAP treatment (you know, that sleep machine that helps you keep breathing). These kids are given Ritalin. RITALIN. Sure, that freaked me out. But, apparently Ritalin helps kids like Wonder Boy because it has an opposite affect than we would expect -- it wakes them up during the day when they need to be awake. He is going on a very small dose (7mg in the AM, 3mg in the afternoon). The hope is that Wonder Boy can function more normally day side, get physical activity going, wear himself out like a normal person, and then sleep better at night. Who knew Ritalin was used to treat narcolepsy? The wonder of the Internet never ceases... I don't think the sleep specialist mentioned NARCOLEPSY to my husband... it is unlikely in my professional medical opinion.. but I will do the next consult and find out if this is the diagnosis....

We start the medicine the day after tomorrow (big testing at school tomorrow, so we thought it better to start on a non-testing day). Please say some prayers for Wonder Boy. He has been less and less active these last 2-3 years... I know the sleep issues are part of it. He will have to change his ways and be more active. I will help him... I hope the medicine does too. Maybe he and I can lose our extra weight together. So pray for him please... that this is the answer. He deserves to feel rested and happy again... he has been such a trooper that it took us a while to figure out the problem. May this be our solution...

And now to change gears...... Here is the drive I took to cheer myself up and forget my worries:



Have I mentioned how much I love the fall?

Worry

My sister is 7 months pregnant and she is terrible for not turning on her cell phone. I would have thought having my niece almost a year and a half ago would have made her turn it on more. I would have thought she'd set up the voice mail, but she never did. She continued in her stubborn way to ignore the needs of anyone who wanted to get a hold of her. Even when the baby was with her husband, she did not turn on her phone. The other day, she learned why moms leave their phone on.

My sister stopped on the way home to visit with a friend. They were chatting and time got away from them. When my sister got home she found the note from her husband. He and the baby were at the hospital at (insert crossroads here). She tried to call his phone, not knowing what hospital he was talking about... the crossroads didn't make sense... she called, he didn't answer.

She called me in a panic. I told her to call their pediatrician (who had sent baby and dad to the hospital) to ask where she sent them. It was obvious to me that new dad must have been confused in the face of the crisis -- as would be perfectly understandable. I then told her I was on my way over and that I'd drive her. It was apparent to me that she was panicked and should not drive.

I arrived and she told me she'd drive. She's controlling that way, so I obliged her. It was an urgent care facility NOT a hospital. The baby had a fever and a rash from head to toe. She was having an allergic reaction. On the way I learned that she'd been on antibiotics for a week for an ear infection. I advised my sister that my niece might be having a reaction to the antibiotic and that she had a great pediatrician who errors on the side of caution. I was sure that they were being cautious and that baby was fine. My sister said she's heard her talking (okay, mainly babbling) when her hubby called. I reassured her that if the reaction was causing anaphalactic shock the her daughter would not be chatty. Sister was reassured.

We got there and all was fine. Baby was allergic to the antibiotic and the ear infection was causing the fever. They would get a new antibiotic and the rash would likely get worse before it got better. I went through an allergic reaction like this myself.... though I was the allergic person and it was penicillin. Oh, and I did end up having my airway close a bit... though the epinephrine shot really helped with that. This was one of my first brushes with death... I didn't go into details on the experience with my sister. I just was glad my niece was okay.

The pediatrician had sent them to the after hours Urgent Care because the regular office was closed and she knew the rash would get worse. Makes sense. Sister and I were able to share a laugh at how she is now gaining an understanding of what it is like to be a mom... she now has greater respect for what I went through on my many trips to the emergency room with Wonder Boy and Super Girl.

What bothered me more than anything about the incident the other night was our car ride over to the Urgent Care facility. My sister once again made me worry about her controlling husband. Is it another warning sign? She was worried about her daughter, but was better once she heard her voice. The other worry that hung over her was what her husband was going to say to her about having her phone off. "I'm going to be in trouble."

Hello? You are 41 years old. He is your husband. Trouble? She drops these comments sometimes that make me worry. She always had extremely strong views but she bows to his preferences and dictates. I worry.... sometimes it is the way she ways things, sometimes it is what she says.

I wanted to really like him. I had wanted us to double date. Hubby and I could never quite explain why it didn't work out that way.... we just are not comfortable with him. Funny how it was the same way with my best friend's husband and now they are locked in a horribly ugly divorce.... I hope things don't go that way for my sister... but then again.... Ugh. I hate worrying. My sister says things and then covers back up... I will pray... it is all I can do.

Anyway, for now my focus will return to relief that my niece is okay (the rash did get worse before better). The ear infection is clearing up too. Yay for modern medicine!