For realsies? How can you be so cold?

I know that my life is not "normal".  I get it that many can not relate to me because my son tried to kill himself nearly 2 years ago and my dad suffers from rapidly progressing dementia.

But really, can people be so clueless when they know my circumstances?  When I say that I know that the crazy will end and that it will be exciting to be a "normal person" some day soon, does she really have to say that "life is never norma" and there are always challenges?

Does she not get it that her grandmother's illness does not compare to my FATHER's?  Really?  You still have your grandparents and parents.  My grandparents are dead.  My mom is dead.  My dad is dying..... sorry, I just don't think you GET IT just because your 92 year old grandmother is sick.  My dad is 76 and he will be gone soon.  Your sick grandma is sad, but your parents are perfectly fucking healthy.  Drink a cup of shut the fuck up.

When I am sad that my son is suicidal and attempted to take his life nearly 2 years ago, can you just pretend to have sympathy?  Fucking really?  You want to say "At least he isn't dead."  Fuck yes he isn't dead -- he has been my only focus for 2 YEARS!  I've live on pins and needles for 2 YEARS doing all I can to keep my wonderful son ALIVE.  You are single and you get your grading done in a timely manner.  Congratulations bitch, glad you have no real worries in life.

I don't seek sympathy.  I don't want to be Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  But really?  You can't support me when I optimistically say that "I can't wait that it will get better next year?"  With optimism I proclaim "Just you wait to see me when life isn't crazy! I will be able to accomplish amazing things!"

Hello!  Can't you just agree?  Must you really say that there will always be something?    Are you fucking kidding me?  The last 2 years are beyond something.

I don't want anyone to live my life; I don't want anyone to fully appreciate what it is like.  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  But really, knowing my circumstances for the past 6 years, you can't cut me a little slack and pretend to agree that IT WILL GET BETTER?

Fuck you M. and the horse you road in on.

I hope you never know what it is like to be me.  I'm sorry you are single and can manage it all without a blink.  Kudos to you!  Enjoy it.  Embrace it.  For God's sake, APPRECIATE IT!

May you never know what it is like to have your father dying while you try to keep your suicidal son alive while going to school to keep your teaching certification, while working 2 jobs to pay the bills because you were on the low end when wages were frozen.

Enjoy your high end of the pay scale.  Enjoy your GRANDPARENTS while I grieve the loss of my parents (I lost my last grandparent my freshman year in college, you are far past those years).  Enjoy your happy lonely life; just stop fucking judging me.  I will never live up to your standards because I have a live outside of work.  My life is amazing.  My pain is great but my joy is great as well.  Get a life M.  You would be shocked at how much joy you can gain through the suffering.

Oh, by the way.....  Don't tell me that "There will always be something, that is how life is."  Fuck you.  You have no clue how rough life can be and I do not wish it upon you.  Really?  Can't you just pretend to relate?  You are the reason I hate to be around people.  You are the reason I hate social occasions.  You are the reason that I don't go to the lunch room for lunch.  You are the reason I keep to myself and focus on my family and students.

You don't get it.

I hope and pray you never will.

Dementia... are they really calling him?

Dad says he is getting calls from a reporter wanting to interview him.  His phone is his lifeline and yet it sometimes holds unpredictable dangers.  I wish I could be there to protect him always.  He is so confused.  My brother will check his caller ID tomorrow and see what the story is.  This is not a made up delusion as those revolve around dad messing up at work (he is retired) and that people are stealing from him (nothing is missing, he just hides things and can't find them).

Dementia is cruel.  I wish I could make it easier for him.

Suicide Attempt Survival:
It is almost 2 years now since my son made a serious attempt on his life.  I have lost count of hospitalizations but am grateful he is still alive and improving slowly.  Suicide is a cruel temptation.  Even when not "completed" lives of all around are shattered as we try to support our loved one without enabling.  It is even harder to tell the difference between depression and lazy teen tendencies.

I am so tired.  I am hopeful, but so darn tired.

As I age...

I realize what is important. I don't really care about how I look or what people think of me. I care about what I can do, what I can control, how I can make a difference.

I don't care if I'm fat. I don't care if my students think I'm fair because I KNOW that I am more than fair; I am merciful. I realize what truly matters is being able to live with the decisions that I make. I realize that helping a single student secure a sense of accomplishment is well worth the BS that can bring me down.

My students are important, but I realize that what is most important is my relationships with my children. My home must be a refuge and place of peace. Hubby will learn this too... he has not suffered enough to get this yet. Better that he not understand; better that he not be forced to crave peace. Better that he not know that desperation for one area of life to be safe...

I know am I not alone. I know it will get better. I hope my body can keep up with my spirit.... I can do this. I know I can. Why is my blood pressure so high? Why can't I lose the extra weight? Please, let me be all that I want to be.... please let my body withstand and thrive as I tackle these challenges.

I've been more than 3 days without a cigarette. I wish I'd never picked one up. Darn if it didn't help me cope though.... Perhaps by conquering this nasty habit (restarted in June) I can get control of my eating and my life....

I wonder if these bad habits are crutches we are given to help us limp through the crazy tough times? I forgive myself though I hate to admit this fault... a girl can only do her best. A crutch in the storm is not so bad... It would be nice if the storm passed.... I must get stronger so that I do not need crutches.

More than 4 days without a cigarette.... I am proud. Pray that I can conquer this and my weight. I want to make a difference in this world before I leave it....

Looks like fall has passed and we are headed into winter. I still went down to the shore on my recent trip for work... hearing the waves brings me peace.

I have been accepted to my graduate school program. I will have my masters degree in 2 years if all goes as scheduled. Marching forward! It feels good to pick the mountain and start climbing it.

Hubby is also on the move. He has a doctor appointment scheduled this week to review the sleep study results. I'm going with him and he has agreed that he wants me there to discuss the depression thing as well. We will also be covering his ongoing heartburn issues. I'm so relieved. Getting care when you need it is huge... we are blessed to be insured.

I have a doctor appointment as well -- what the heck, why not kill two birds with one stone? I'm having some issues and need to follow up on my blood clot incident this summer. My holter monitor tests were fine. Perhaps I have anxiety? I'm waking hourly each night... I hope things will simmer down. I know we have come so far since last year... I like to think the darker hours are behind us.

Wonder Boy is doing a bit better -- not quite as much of a zombie. I think he may need his medication adjusted a bit more... but he seems much more hopeful and is really trying in school. Super Girl is well; she is happy as long as we get her to school early so that she has her social hour!

So, I as close on a more optimistic note today... please continue to pray for my father for good test results. The bright side is that if it is prostate cancer at least this is considered one of the more treatable cancers... unlike my mothers where the odds were pretty much stacked against her from the start. One day at a time... this too shall pass!

Depression to hope?

"Depression.... it hurts everyone." I fell like I am living this cliched commercial.

Hubby has been fighting depression for a while. He has been working for the past year -- overnight the first half, and now in a day job which does not appear to be offering as much room for advancement (professional AND financial) as described in the interviews. Hubby is now a functional depressive -- he performs well at work and then stumbles through life at home. He sleeps so much we had him evaluated at a sleep clinic (he has some sleep apnea, not severe). If you didn't know, sleep can be an indicator of depression. When my depression is at it's worst I'm all about taking naps. Hubby has fallen into this ugly cycle.

So, we had him evaluated for sleep issues and now we have come to face the truth this week that the issue is depression and not so much sleep. I suspected as much but pushed for the sleep evaluation in order to rule sleep out as an issue.

In talking to Hubby deeper on the subject I came to realize that he does not remember life before depression. He was trapped in the dying family business for so long. He tried to keep his parents afloat while we sank. He tried to keep the business alive that he was to inherit. And, in this state's economy we watched it die. During all of this he had to deal with ME and my health issues, pain, stroke, surgery, migraines, depression, and blood clots. He has had to deal with me working full time while attending school. He had to deal with his mother's endless hospitalizations. He had to deal with his depressed father who WOULD NOT face reality. He had to deal with the death of my mother -- whom he loved most likely more than his own mother. The rough patch has lasted about 7 years.

I do not wonder WHY hubby is depressed.

I wonder why it took me so long to stop making excuses for it. I kept telling myself "It will get better now that his resume is done." Or, "It will be better now that he is interviewing" or "It will be better now that he got the job" or "It will be better once he finishes training" or "It will be better when his sleep is fixed."

It didn't get better.

I told him he is not himself, that he has not been himself in a REALLY long time. I remember who he is, and he is NOT himself right now. He admitted he does not remember what it is like NOT to drag himself through the day. He does not remember what it is like to feel ambition, optimism, and satisfaction. He does not remember what it is like to be hopeful about the future. Sure, we are buried in debt, but that is no reason to be without any hope. We have a good life. He is missing out. He does not remember what it was like before he was depressed. If you have not been there, this is a major indicator that this is not a minor depression. This is a deep depression that requires help. Not my help, professional help.

He agrees he needs more help than a pill from our primary care physician. He is agreeable to me going with him to the doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. He has been depressed for so long that medication will need to be part of getting back on track. The medication that he is on is not doing the trick. I know that depression can be helped. I know it is a chemical imbalance in your system at times. I know that Hubby isn't good about calling our doctor to say "I don't think I'm better."

Treating deep depression means trying things and working through dosage adjustments. It will mean going back every 4 weeks until he feels good -- not settling for "better."

Better sucks.

Better means he doesn't wish he was dead. Better is not good enough. He needs to feel good about the good in his life and to have the drive to work toward goals. Heck, he needs the drive to set goals. He needs the drive to start over in a career midlife -- yeah, it sucks, but get over it and move on! The time for mourning is over. He agrees and wants help. After our discussions he realizes that our primary care physician is not the solution. He needs a doctor who's main job is helping with depression. He needs a doctor who says -- "Come back in 3 weeks and we will see how you are doing." Our doctor says "Call me if you don't feel better." For Hubby, this is not good enough. He doesn't realize he isn't better because he is so depressed he just sleep walks through his existence. He does not know what better is.

I'm so glad he agrees this is part of the issue and is willing to see the doctor for a referral. I'm glad he is now willing to talk about the issue. I am glad that he sees that this is not a good way to life. I'm glad he wants to get to the point of hoping again. I already see a hint of the spark in his eyes as he talks about working through the process of getting better. He is joking a little more. He is trying... I am proud of him.

Depression DOES hurt everyone around you.

If you think you are depressed, please get help. My husband's depression has been killing me slowly... it has hurt his relationship with the kids because he barks at them without realizing it. This too shall pass and can be mended, but he didn't see it until I forced the issue. I made it visible. It was hard and took a toll on me. It isn't comfortable telling the one you love that they are killing you. It isn't comfortable telling someone that their lack of motivation is bringing your blood pressure up.

It was not fun... but I'm glad I did because he is FINALLY getting it. I love him. We will get through this. Please pray for him. He needs to break out of this depression so that he can discern the path of his future. Your prayers are appreciated....

Good news!

Hubby's new job is working out -- he is finally bringing home reasonable paychecks and that helps! Yay for being done with training and for commission checks that help me pay our bills. I am happy for him as he gains confidence and works his butt off.

He is such a good man.

I look forward to shorter days (he leaves quite early and is home after 8pm). I consider us lucky to have him off overnights -- hours will be more reasonable as he establishes himself. AND he registered for a class this fall! Depression seems to be back in check. It is amazing what a paying job can do for you! I'm glad we are putting the days of the failed business behind us. So what if we are deep in debt? We are going to make it dammit!

Better

I am in a better place than yesterday. Apparently my recent episode is bothering me more than I thought. I'm really glad it wasn't a stroke. I had one of those before... in 2002. Due to chronic pain from an auto accident my blood pressure increased to an unacceptable level and I had a mini stroke (a congenital heart defect caused the blood to pool funny in my heart forming a clot which strangely enough shot from my heart to my right hand).

After the mini stroke I lost feeling on the right side, had some vision issues, and lost some language and memory. I regained much of what was lost over time (vision and feeling first, lost words next, and eventually most memories... I think?) . I ended up having minor heart surgery (catheterization) to fix the issue and was good as gold. You can watch a video of it here. Pretty amazing stuff.

Everything was peachy until the recent hospitalization following ANOTHER blood clot that shot to my left hand.

I know.

What are the odds of me having 2 different blood clots that shot to my hand?

What are the odds of surviving random shooting clots? What are the odds? Someone tell me!

So when I had to wear the Holter Monitor, I got cranky. Yes, part of the issue was the itch from my reaction to the stupid tape used for the electrodes. I think the bigger issue for me yesterday was fear.

I am afraid.

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have more doctor visits. I don't want to have heart problems. I don't want blood clots. I don't want high blood pressure. I want to be a normal (almost) 40 year old.

I don't want to be the youngest patient on the stroke floor at the hospital. I just want to be healthy. I don't even have to look cute in a bathing suit. I just want to be healthy and active. I want to feel good and play sports with my kids. I want to live a long healthy life. I don't want to leave the party early like my mom did at the age of 63.

Wearing this Holter Monitor will tell the doctors if I have atrial fibrilation (the likely cause of this recent random clot). It would also increase my stroke risk 7 times that of a person without an atrial fibrilation issue. I don't want another stroke. My last one was minor and it sucked. I admit it, I am scared.

I am scared but I need to get over it. So my pity party is over. Who has time for that? Tomorrow I will go back to pondering what kind of fabulous plan God must have for me. You know I'm meant to do something fabulous if I could dodge major damage twice from random shooting blood clots.

Perhaps I will do something amazing.... I must be meant to do something great because I'm still here!

And tomorrow will be a beautiful day because I can get rid of these darn wires hooked to my chest. Yeah, I know it is a hot look, but seriously......

Sleep well.....

George Carlin brought the funny every time he took the stage. I will miss him but know his voice will be entertaining the masses on the other side. May he have been in heaven an hour before the devil knew he was dead....

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Sorry for the blog neglect... Every time I think I must have finally finished with the kidney stone the pain returned. Not fun. I got a call for a teaching interview last Monday! I scurried all week to prepare my portfolio only to have them call me back to cancel. Apparently they had found the PERFECT candidate and were canceling the remaining interviews. Little do they realize they missed out on the better than perfect candidate! I'm the candidate that would work harder than the rest. I have convinced myself this is their loss. Thank goodness I already have a paying job!

My next interview is TOMORROW! I got another call and I'm back in the saddle again. Hopefully I will be impressive. At least my outfit and portfolio are ready!

We are not sleeping well here. Hubby's depression had spawned anxiety -- not fun when he has dreams of martial arts attackers. Guess who got hit twice last week? I am NOT a ninja darn it!!!!

I'm back!

Updates:

I did not fall off the face of the earth this past week. I traveled for work and fell WAY behind (hence no time to blog).

Strange days.... my son returned from camp and had a GREAT TIME! He wrote a hilarious journal for my entertainment. I think this boy should be a writer. He has a lot of creative talent. When he was dreading it we joked about him writing a journal "Day 1: Struggle. Struggle. Struggle. Pretend to be happy....." He included this and much more. I love how little man writes... I hear his voice and inflection while reading the written words. He is hilarious; I almost wet myself while reading.

Hubby is not driving me as crazy! It would be nice if he remembered to take his medication. I need to work on his parenting style though... badgering and yelling do not work -- consequences are more effective. Time to brainwash ourselves again with Love and Logic (great stuff). He isn't an ogre, he just doesn't hear himself. I'm not used to hearing him be the disciplinarian because we've been on opposite shifts. It is good to have him back.

The new nephew WAS born on my parent's anniversary! Another gift from my mom in heaven to my dear dad. He now has 2 grandchildren who were born on their wedding anniversary (this year and last year). Not bad gifts! I'm not going to make it a Trifecta -- Hubby and I are done. Maybe we could get another puppy next year? My nephew is doing well. I am worried for my new sister inlaw. Postpartum depression may be starting... To complicate matters she has MS and has suffered depression in the past. Things seem better now, but please pray for them just in case.

Super Girl had a great soccer tournament this past weekend. Unfortunately she suffered a bad finger sprain -- okay, possible break. This kids never feels pain and she was really suffering today.... She comes by the high pain threshold honestly -- Hubby and I are cut from the same cloth. It is difficult to tell when to get medical attention for her because she simply does not complain. I'm watching and waiting.... They seem better now. I'm relieved. She has split open her road rash knee again. Boy does that chick have a knack for injuries. She must take after Hubby who has once again hurt his foot in a martial arts tournament. I would ban this leisure activity if it didn't do such a good job helping him stave off depression..

My cousin who has battled an aggressive breast cancer for the past 6 years seems to be in a remission! I'm thrilled for her. I love good news.

Now if I can just find a summer sitter! My summer daycare fell through (long story). If this isn't enough to stress a parent out, what is???

Struggle, struggle, struggle.......... I am happy. Wondering why I'm not freaked out about this daycare situation... this isn't like me....

Happiness

A wonderful blogger is having a bad week (2 funerals and 1 new case of breast cancer) and requested happy news.... we must savor the happy moments. Here is my happy news today:

• Happiness! My new nephew looks like he will be born on my niece's 1st birthday tomorrow (okay, maybe yet tonight? She is dilated to 3).
• My BIL got a job which is great because my sister is expecting and was stressed due to him losing his job.
• My hubby finally got a job (it isn't great but it is better than a kick in the face ;-) He is back on his depression medicine and I just might be seeing a glimmer of himself coming back to me already!
  
• Wonder Boy is at 5th grade camp making memories as I type! He is at the same camp I attended in elementary school -- or was it middle school? ANYWAY... he promised to take pictures with the disposable camera I gave him and that he would have others take at least 1/3 of the pictures so he would be in them too! YAY for Wonder Boy! May his sleep issue take a few days off (yes, still having struggles with the cpap machine).
• David C. won American Idol!!
• Obama seems to be doing well and Hilary has done wonders for proving a woman can make a serious run. I'm not a fan, but I'm proud of her accomplishments!
• Wonder Boy's art (see previous post) was preserved from the rain -- the trees protected it fully. My SIL stopped by tonight and could not believe it. I can't believe it is still there! Here are the works side by side -- not bad work for an 11 year old with side walk chalk!
  

Oh! I forgot to mention that my nephew looks like he will be born on my parent's wedding anniversary -- I believe this is my mother's gift from heaven to my father..... It would have been43 years for them tomorrow. I'm so glad they met!

Grounded from TV!

Super Girl is not yelling like a PMS queen at me anymore. Maybe the NINE weeks without TV has sunk in?

My heart does not bleed for her.

She was being so obnoxious and mouthy on Mother's Day that I pulled out the big guns -- "One more word and you have no TV for a month." I admit it, I was tired and missing my mom. I was sick of being yelled at by a 12 year old. Hello? I don't yell at her, why is she yelling at me??? Are all 12 year olds filled with 24/7 PMS?

I went straight to the month long threat because I knew less than a month would not matter to her. What does she do in response?

"WHAT?? THAT IS CRAZY" yelled Super Girl.

Hello? Duh! "Super Girl, one more word and it is FIVE weeks."

Her response was not silence, no....

"YOU ARE NUTS" she shrieked.

I reply, "Okay, that is FIVE weeks, do you want to go for 6? Shut your mouth, quit while your ahead."

Does she listen? Nope. Super Girl continues to disregard warnings. Lather, Rinse. Repeat. The next thing I know we have reached nine weeks without TV for Super Girl. It reminded me of the time when I got grounded for a week in high school...

My mother said "You are grounded for a week!"
I replied "So?"
She responded "TWO!"
I replied "So?"
She responded "THREE"
I shut up. It was worth the three, but I wasn't nuts.

So like mother, like daughter... Super girl is grounded from TV for 9 weeks -- no time off for good behavior. She has served a week. She isn't as sassy as she used to be. I like my kids better when they are not watching TV (which I do indeed limit!). When we discussed her folly I shared my story... my mistake. She now views her sentence as a red badge of courage... How sad she does not realize the cleaning she is going to be doing starting tomorrow...

Anyway, I'm enjoying TV free Super Girl. Her latest report card ROCKED. Her response? I don't care. Whatever. She is all As and Bs now. I'm happy! Maybe some day she will be more of a motivated student.... maybe???

Other News:

- Wonder Boy isn't sleeping -- my won't he have fun at 5th grade camp! Need to try a different mask maybe... he hates the CPAP machine. Must resolve....

- Allergies acting up -- I'm sneezing so many times I need to do more kegals to keep from wetting myself. (sorry, had to be said)

- Hubby's new job -- not quite a train wreck ;-) He will be working late hours.... we must keep his resume active. Funny the difference between interview highlights and reality... it is still better than stocking shelves overnight.

- It takes a few weeks for depression medication to work. Day 4 - no difference, Hubby still not right. Only a few more weeks!

- Teaching applications -- "Have you EVER been let go from a job." Ever. Great. Now I had to admit Baskin Robbins fired me for making the damn scoops too big. HELLO! I was only 13 or 14 -- people YELLED at me when I made them the right size!!! You would have done it too....

- The Pug has allergies too. I'm glad she is not peeing herself when she sneezes.

- Wonder Boy stayed over at friend's house 40 minutes late! HELLO! I waited to see how long before he'd call. I'm trying to let him spread his wings. It didn't happen, he did not call. I had to make Hubby call the friend's mom (he is the nice guy, it would come off better). I wasn't up for it. Need to think of fair punishment. Told Wonder Boy to let me know tomorrow what he thinks is appropriate. Must think of appropriate consequence..... 40 minutes late. I was driving the streets looking for him while hubby called and I did my delayed freak out. We know the friends. He was 2 blocks away. I still can't help but worry... How long do you late a kid be late before you call (11 year olds on bikes)? I'm way overprotective.... how did I wait that long??? Why didn't he notice he was THAT late?

- The loud people in this house don't get it yet that the sheriff is back in town. Soon they will realize and stop pushing the limits... please?

- My nephew is due this week! My poor SIL has a terrible cold. Please pray for her -- who needs to go into labor feeling sick? Hope she isn't peeing herself when she sneezes.

- My sister is still evil though not as evil as before. I'm happy for her that she is pregnant with #2. May she pee herself.

- Yes, it is unfortunate that I'm this evil.

Wouldn't it be cool if I taught summer school?

Crazy Week!

Wonder Boy has talent. I took this shot of his art on our sidewalk -- it was after sundown so the picture does not really do it justice. All I can say is that I might have suggested he pick a famous piece of art to put on the sidewalk. He had written his name quite large with the obligatory "WAS HERE" and I suggested he replicate a famous painting. Who would have thought my sleep deprived wonder would immediately think of "The Scream"? I wish you could see the awesome shading....

Wonder Boy survived his sleep study and got his CPAP machine 2 days later. It is never that quick. Mine took 3 weeks. I'm grateful for a doctor who cares. Sleep apnea in kids is a HUGE big deal. The more I read the more frightening it becomes -- I'm so glad we are treating him now! He is struggling to adjust to sleeping with the mask; please say some prayer for my poor baby. Hopefully he will get more REM sleep soon.

On another note, Hubby has been driving me insane and I finally know why!!!! He took himself off his depression medication. Yes, my dear Hubby thought he would need to be off his depression medication for employment drug tests. HELLO! They are not testing you for doctor prescribed drugs!!! UGH! He has not been himself for a month! NOW I KNOW WHY! I told him his is never to make this kind of decision without me again. Depression makes him stupid on top of mean. We are on day 2 of being back on the medicine. May I have my real husband back soon! How did I figure it out? Well, he was being such an ASS that I had to finally say "Honey, have you been taking your medicine lately?"

Sometimes a simple little question can cut to the heart of an issue. I can't believe I didn't ask the simple little question sooner!!!!!!

I'm working on my resume and teaching applications. Some of the questions are crazy. UGH! I pushed myself to get through school and now I have no energy for the job search! I'm just not in the mood to write essays about my teaching philosophy. I will try to suck it up.... I'm just so very DONE right now. I could use some time where I'm not facing deadlines....

My best friend is still in the midst of the ugly divorce. Emergency psychological evaluations were conducted this week. Her husband IS crazy. I pray for their family. The husband is all about vengeance and money. She just wants to provide normalcy for the kids (that is normalcy without the spousal abuse her husband inflicted). To complicate matters she has fallen in love and is dating another man (as she fights to accomplish her divorce). Sometimes I wish new love could wait until this were settled, it would make things so much less complicated.

Only another month of school for the kids. Hubby and I will have no children in elementary school. Where did time fly? My newest nephew is due this week. My brother and his new wife are about to have the newest baby. May his other children adjust smoothly... I worry for them. How strange it is that my children are growing older as my siblings rock their new babies.

Super Girl had her first boy / girl party this weekend. Only two boys showed up because the rest didn't want to be around a bunch of girls. I asked Super Girl if the 2 boys had the time of their lives or if they were really uncomfortable most of the time. Her answer -- BOTH! Super Girl is wonderful. She is getting an A in math! YAY!

I had to travel for work this week. I was blessed to see the shore but too tired to stick around for a sunset. I know, I too am shocked at my lack of wherewithal. What up with that?

I don't know? What was up with that?

I don't think they are rats with wings.... unless they poop near me.... that is always irritating. Gulls are pretty if you are deaf....
Their shore dance made me pine for a summer breeze...
I still yearn to sleep one night in a lighthouse...
I wonder what travels that contraption from the shore to the light house? It is strange to look at... the signs tell me I'd be electrocuted if I climb or touch... so I didn't act like spider man to check it all out....
And that is what is new here... you can now see why I've been quiet -- real life is crazy ;-)

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UPDATES
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Thanks you all for the encouraging comments!

Updates:
Hubby went back on his medicine during the phone conversation when I discovered he'd gone off. Hopefully they kick in quick. Bless his heart, he definitely needs to consult me on these things! Some of the basics of depression are lost on those who have not previously suffered it.

Wonder Boy chose to draw The Scream because they had studied it in school and he thought it would be easier than the Mona Lisa. He cracks me up. He has decided the Mona Lisa may be next. How cool is it that kids can look up pictures online quickly vs. having to find the motivation to go to the library to look things up. I'm betting his picture would not happen if he'd had to go to the library :-)

Wonder Boy is really struggling with the sleep apnea mask. We will have to try to adjust this week. He was VERY grumpy this morning.

This too shall pass...

This and That

We had a wonderful trip this weekend. We went to the lake shore and got to see sun shine on the beach while dark haze ruled the waves. What a blessing it is to stay for free at my dad’s place.

The sunset was hazy but still a pretty sight for these eyes.

It was interesting to see a buffalo herd – the owners of the farm must have laughed as we stopped to snap photos to show the kids.

Hilarious how he climbed the hay to get a better look at us.

It was a short trip away from it all….. Reality smacked me in the face when we returned and were greeted with many a past due notice. We have not paid our mortgage yet and we are STILL past due. We owe the state $1000 (note to self, never again let hubby defer taxes if he collects unemployment…).

I’m really stressed. Yes, my blood pressure is still a mess. I will look at my pretty pictures and escape back to the peace and joy of being away from it all. This too shall pass. I need to snap out of this mini depression that hit me so hard when we got back. This should be a happy week -- I take my last final TOMORROW and I am DONE like dinner! I will get my paperwork within 90 days of grades posting and will then be able to call myself and unemployed teacher! (I'm employed, just not as a teacher :-)

Hubby has another interview tomorrow. Please pray for him again / still. Spring has finally arrived -- maybe it will arrive for the employment scenario as well?

Thanks for all of the warm wishes on our anniversary. There is nobody I'd rather go to the poor house with!!!

Cable Guy and Stuff

It was a nice weekend. Hubby was more motivated on the job hunt once I tied him down and forced him to work through the updates to his resume. Funny how getting these things off your plate can make you feel better. He then got back to CareerBuilder and Monster and posted his new and improved resume. He applied for more jobs and hopefully something will shake out. Financially it needs to! That is, unless we win the lottery. I don't need a big win, a "little" one that would pay off the mortgages would be nice :-) A girl has to dream....

Wonder Boy is content now that he has a sleep log to work on. I let him sleep in a bit this weekend and will likely pay for that as they are back in school this week. Super Girl tested for her next best in TaeKwonDo and passed. Wonder Boy is still ahead of her.... I'm glad they are into it because they need to be addicted to some kind of exercise if they are to survive the genes I've passed down to them! Hubby remembered to refill his prescription. Maybe that is what his problem was this week. Note to self, pay attention to that.

The pug is not healing as we'd hoped. We will give her a few more days, but it is likely that she will need to go to the orthopedic veterinarian this week. I can not even begin to imagine what knee surgery on a dog costs..... She is worth every penny, but it would be nice to win a lottery so I didn't have to stress about medical care for my pets.

Today I was like Wonder Woman cleaning the house. The cable guy was coming over to fix our cable (how the heck can you have a bad signal when you are on basic cable and have no box?). I cleaned like a fool and was shocked at my progress. I had to warn him about the basement before he went down there. We call it The Pit of Despair (remember Princess Bride?). The basement is where everything goes that we don't know what to do with (or don't have room for). Hence, it has become the Pit of Despair. Someday I will a ton of it on eBay.

So anyway, I warned the cable guy about The Pit of Despair before he went down there. His response? "You can't scare the cable guy, nothing scares the cable guy. I've seen it all." He and Hubby ventured down and he reported back there was nothing to fear -- our Pit of Despair was not that scary. Apparently scary is when you can not get to the thing you need to look at. Okay, that would be scary!

Then the cable guy had to check the wiring in the back yard. We had what might be a spring melt this weekend (I hope spring is coming!). With a greyhound and a pug, there was a lot buried under the snow this winter. Hubby has not had a chance to spring clean the organic waste (poop) in the yard yet. I warned the cable guy to beware and be careful. He scoffed at my warning, and again he exclaimed, "You can't scare the cable guy!" Again, I thought him crazy; again he returned to report it wasn't that bad. I told him that I was really grateful for his kindness and really sorry that he has apparently experienced worse!

Then the cable guy did something amazing. He decided our signal needed an amplifier. He doesn't like it that the company makes him charge people $60 to amplify a signal as it comes into the house (we agreed with him, the signal should be stronger). He went and checked his truck and found an extra one which he hooked up for free. I told him I loved him. Was that too much? Hubby and cable guy both laughed at me. I was serious...

So today my house was cleaned, my cable signal fixed, and I'm almost done with my reading for the week. Life is good! May this week bring happy surprises, for now I will enjoy a cleaner house.

I welcome spring!

The first day of spring! It felt like spring last week at the beach. Today I went outside and saw nothing but blue sky. It made me happy to think about the spring days to come. The flowers are a long ways from peeking through... but at least the snow if melting! We are almost through Easter week too!

I am in a much better mood because I realized that I only have 5 more weeks of school!!!! YIPPEE!!!! Hubby and I had a good heart to heart chat today.... he is starting to see the need for change. He agrees he needs to get back to the counselor on the depression. He agrees that he MUST get off the night shift (even if it means getting 2 jobs) to get his health back. He is a morning person and this shift has been terrible for his health. This recognition by him of what has been obvious is huge progress! Thanks for the prayers... this too shall pass.

The pug seems to be on the mend! Orders are that she take it very easy.... hopefully we can restrain her and thus avoid having to go to an orthopedic veterinarian. Can you just imagine that expense? I don't believe I have enough room on any credit cards for that! I'd love to avoid having to ask my dad for money if I can....

We have been running like crazy people all week. It is nice to be going home and staying there tonight! I think I'll get a jump on cleaning to help ready the house for spring. There is nothing like a clean home to brighten the mood.

Tomorrow night I think will be egg coloring night.... should be fun! We will continue the family tradition on eggs... more on that later!

Pittance

So, I talked to him. I just laid it all on the table and didn't back down. It is crap that Hubby doesn't have a decent job or savings after busting his butt in the family business for 20 years. But he needs to go out there and make something happen.

A job isn't going to just walk up and hand itself over. In this day and age you must work over every contact you have and then network your ass off. It isn't that I don't understand where he is at. I have fought depression all of my life. I know what it is to be paralyzed. BUT, you have to pick yourself up and kick your own ass into gear at some point.

So, he will follow up on the previous hot lead gone cold one more time. And he is sending resumes online daily. Maybe I'll pick him up a book at the library. Hello. Time to stop waiting and time to MAKE something happen. We are financially ruined and need to start digging out. Our credit is destroyed, we are at negative equity on the home, all emergency funds are depleted. Get another job already.

The money and job concerns are very stressful. I'm tired of being a dead beat. I'm tired of mean letters. I'm worried about the future. I'm sick at the thought of not being able to take a teaching job since it will pay less than the job I currently hate (We knew this cut would come when I went back to school for teaching, we just didn't know that the family business would ruin us or that Hubby's paycheck at a new job would be a pittance).

I miss him so much. It stinks that we are on opposite schedules. I don't know how other couples make this work. It is making me crazy. Yes, he is there for this kids -- but I miss my husband! He is tired all of the time. I understand, but it needs to change.

Sunny Day & The Flu

I'm so excited -- the yellow ball in the sky returned!!! It had been such a long time. I was so happy to see my friend and the blue sky the other day that I actually cleaned out my car to celebrate. This energized me so much that I went home during my lunch hour and cleaned off the kitchen table, the counter, and a cabinet out! My house has become way too cluttered during this winter doldrum of work, school, pain, and flu. Anyway, I happy to see my friend the sun -- it has been 3 days straight that I've had sightings!

I think my personal Easter season fog was getting to me as of late. I associate the loss of my Mom with the Easter season more than the actual date on the calendar when I lost her. She always loved the Easter season so I'm hoping to grow out of dreading it as the years pass. Her favorite mass was the Easter Vigil mass because you got all these brand new Catholics shining their lights bright to energize us all. What a cool perspective on such a long mass :-)

I lost her just as that mass would have been starting that Saturday night. I can't believe it has been three years. I think it will be a long time before I can attend that particular mass. I'm working my way back into the church... I have been disenchanted with the changes over the past year in my diocese. I don't like changes that distance the parishioners from the mass. I also have to admit I'm really struggling with the additional kneeling time required now that lay people. I loved when our local parish had more lay people involved with the mass. I think they did it respectfully and with reverence. I am insulted the Cardinal thought otherwise and it has made attending mass more of a chore than I want it to be.

I don't know about anyone else, but the gray days have been enough to freeze me in my tracks -- all I wanted to do was hibernate. I think my flu is finally somewhat in check. I still fear food, but have found that the Propel "fitness water" by Gatorade has re hydrated me) without the ill affects I was getting from water! How the heck could this have started Sunday and stayed with me ALL WEEK? I'm fine if I don't eat or drink.

I saw a wonderful sunset last night. I will post pictures tonight or tomorrow. It is family game night so I may not have time.... That and who knows who will get the flu next? It is mean and sudden this flu -- lots of house cleaning results.

Tidbits

I'm losing my mind with my lack of home computer internet. I miss being able to download and upload my photos. I miss blogging at home. I hope to make room in the budget for computer repair this month. For now I'm posting from work - thus I'm posting much less.

Here are some updates on some of the many things I've blogged about -- wish there were time for full posts....

- My best friend (who's breast lump turned out to be benign! YAY!) was scheduled in court today for an emergency custody hearing. Her soon to be Ex-Hubby is insane. His lawyer called and canceled for no reason 15 minutes before the hearing. It amazes me how an evil person can manipulate the justice sister. I am scared of him and he is allowing shady characters around their 4 kids. Pray for them -- they need it. I just wish he'd stop using the kids to get back at her. I wish he would take the high road, but he is staying on the low one. How do you not take your 3 year old to his speech therapy / special education? How is such a basic need disregarded? What is more important than your children? UGH! Please pray for them. He needs help too. Long stories, not enough time.

- Classes: I love my classes this semester. It will be so strange to be DONE at the end of April. Working full time and taking classes at night has been my routine since 2001. Getting teaching certification has taken more than 80 credit hours (I already had a degree too!). Student teaching showed me the effort has been well worth it. I can't wait to be a teacher!

- Pain: It is better than it was. Acupuncture and the chiropractor help -- I never would have believed that either of these "witchcraft" therapies could help. Funny when a skeptic becomes a convert....

- Dental and Optical -- holy cow. Between the two we have dropped $1600 this month. Note to self, do not put this stuff off & DON'T schedule them for the whole family in the same month!!!

- Employment: Hubby is still looking for gainful employment. Overnight work for $9 per hour is not enough to live on. I hope something breaks for him soon -- though I'm afraid to hope with this state's economy.

- Wonder Boy and Super Girl: I love my kids so much. They have a snow day today and I'm wishing I was home with them (poor hubby will not get to sleep much today). They are both in Tae Kwan Do and LOVE it. I'm convinced that any physical activity is good and will eat Macaroni and Cheese for every meal rather than not having room for it in my budget.

Super Girl still needs to finish adjusting to middle school in terms of stepping up academics. She is capable but lazy due to lack of interest. When she cares she is brilliant but she plays dumb. UGH -- why do girls think it is cool to pretend to be dumb in this society? Also -- why does PMS last 24/7 in an 11 year old?

Wonder Boy is in love with Hannah Montana / Miley. He has cut out pictures of all of his favorites and tapes them all over his room. It looks like high school musical threw up in there. He is happy, I am grateful.

Blood Pressure: Can I just say that a low salt diet is exceedingly difficult when you have always considered salty snacks a mainstay food group? Despite eating healthier and drinking less, my weight remains way too high. It needs to warm up so I can add walking to my mix of daily activities. I will keep trying. I am eating more of good things and less of bad. Hopefully things will improve soon. The medication has lowered the blood pressure, but I want to do it without medication if I can.

Money: Financially things are pretty crazy ugly for us... but this too shall pass. We are at negative equity on the home most likely due to

Depression: Mine is improving because Hubby has improved some. Still fighting the good fight.

Inlaws: They have been better behaved lately. I admit to jealousy at the moment as they have left our frozen landscape for their winter vacation in Florida. How is it that they didn't have money to pay my husband and yet they have money to take a Florida winter vacation again this year? It seems to me that his 20 years of labor should allow him some of the profits... but alas, they do not see it this way. As far as they are concerned they owe him nothing. I don't care if there are staying with her brother -- driving across that many states and vacationing in FLA still costs a lot of money. Whatever... I am trying not to be bitter.

Sister's Controlling Hubby: As much as his controlling behavior makes me nervous, nothing has escalated. He still manipulates and guilt trips her, but I think she is recognizing it and standing up for herself more. Maybe this is just part of the settling in of the first few years of marriage. I hope so.

Life is good. I love my family and enjoy my friends. I'm hopeful for the future. I'm grateful for what we have. There are many things going well and I appreciate that.

So, that is the news from Camp Grim Reality. We are happy campers who will play indoors while it rains!

Progress

Our pups had a restful holiday - I hope you did too!

Today was AMAZING! I have not had a single day off without an obligation since July. Today I had the day off and not a single social obligation. NOTHING. Oh it was bliss!!!!! I started clearing out the clutter and it felt so good! The paths were wider and the piles were shorter. I cleared off the kitchen table and saw the entire clean and clear surface. I even reorganized some kitchen cupboards! We washed dishes and did laundry. We put away most of the Christmas decorations. When the new semester starts there will not be time so we did it. I'm okay with it -- I'll keep things up longer when I'm a teacher. For now, it is good to get things put away!

Church didn't happen for us on Christmas. We would have been late for midnight mass and getting up early in the a.m. just was not going to happen. I'm looking forward to church tomorrow. We have much to work on and much to be thankful for -- hoping it is wonderful and inspires me to keep at it. I like myself better when I attend regularly. I like being a good example to my kids. If you don't have the Lord to lean on, where are you? Especially when crisis hits (as it often does....).

Hopefully Hubby calls his sister tomorrow to work on his resume! My mother inlaw was hospitalized over night last night. She has a huge hematoma and cellulitis. She fell. You are not supposed to do that when you are on blood thinners and when you break easily. It looks like she is bouncing back. I'm glad. We actually had a good conversation tonight. She tried to pull some passive aggressive stuff, but I was very direct (and friendly)... so I disarmed her! YIPPEE!!! She was trying to be critical but I brought her around.... so what if I had to pull her by the ear?

Yes, today was a good day. I hope you had a good day too!

Depression / Update

Well, he has an appointment. I'm relieved. Depression is such a difficult thing to layer into an already stressful situation. Hubby has been on depression medication for a few months now. I am pushing for a change (increase perhaps?) because the current regimen is simply not effective. He is on a low level antidepressant. I'm frustrated that he is a few weeks away from meeting with the new doctor (vs. being treated by our primary care physician).

This battle has been fought for over a year now. Getting him in to the doctor this fall didn't change things as quickly as I'd hoped. He is trying, but he doesn't think to say "Hey, do you think you might want to up my dosage while I wait to get into the new doctor?" This isn't even on his radar and he won't call back to ask the question. THAT is what makes me insane. I'm all about attacking the problem.

I've been depressed -- you HAVE to be aggressive in following up and making changes. Hell, I AM depressed and am attacking the problem! You have to control that which you can control. Baby steps. All those cliches are accurate! I am working on changing my attitude. I've been patient for a few years, but once my patience is gone it isn't usually pretty. I've been very angry at the lack of effort and progress in the recent weeks and months. Any baby steps he takes lately are not enough to make me happy. He pointed this out to me and he is right. I've been trying to be more encouraging the last few days instead of being so hurt and angry.

It is a fine line between enabling and encouraging. He needs encouragement and an ass kicking at the same time. I'm tired!! This is hard work! I've gotten his sister to agree to work with him on the resume. It will happen after Christmas and I've decided to be fine with that. I started it but had to step back -- he isn't in a place where he can help me and I'm not in a place where I can do it for him. She has tons of HR experience so she can fill in the fluff to the skeleton I created for him. This too shall pass.

Getting him on a normal shift will make a huge difference. I know how lack of sleep killed me, I'm certain it is impacting him. He is a morning person, overnight work does not agree with him. Thank you for the prayers! We will get through this, it just needs to be soon! I have lived like this for too long.... I love him and he knows it. I wish he believed in himself more. 20 years in construction down the drain is a big blow, but it is time to move on.

Who needs money anyway? I've decided we look good poor. I just don't want to slip into negative equity on our home. So we cling and pray. Maybe he will be gainfully employed soon and things will improve. I hope so!