Stuff

I feel guilty that I have not posted on Dad's recovery from C-diff and all that other stuff. He claims that he is at 90% now -- that is awesome considering the surgical recovery was supposed to be 6 months. Yay Dad! He isn't supposed to be 100% until at least November. That is not even taking into consideration all of his complications which were more than extensive.

It is interview season and I'm hoping to get the call for a teaching gig -- please say a prayer for me. I don't want to admit that I'm obsessing on my portfolio..... but I am. There are a few openings and hundreds of applicants. I would love to work as a teacher. I miss teaching. It would be awesome to spend my days with amazing kids (all kids are amazing... so much potential!).

My kids are good. Super Girl and Wonder Boy are true partners in crime.... they have challenged my will and parenting skills as of late. Can you say Bonnie and Clyde?

My friend's never ending divorce has yet to end..... 2 years and counting. Stalker ex hubby.... ick. I fear for her.

No time to blog lately, but I'm trying to jump back in. I find that blogging is a great way to remember what the heck happened during that crazy year..... I read a few old posts recently and realized that writing about the now preserves it for me.. I simply don't remember the details... too much going on for detailed memory. It is a gift to look back at old posts (especially "Waking Up") because these posts bring back important memories that I need to hold close so that I appreciate the gift of right now. It has been a rough patch for chronic pain...... ready for it to improve.

"Live in the now!" is the best advice I've ever been given. How about you? What is the best advice you have received?

Baby

It is amazing to be able to meet the baby who is less than a week old... it is more amazing to remember when my children were this small. Where did the time go? What a wonderful blessing; I am so happy for my friend!

Divorce

I am learning about divorce. My very best friend in the world is divorcing a crazy man (closed head injury and apparent addict). I am learning that in a divorce it is the lawyers who win -- they get paid for their billable hours and the couple is left with debt. I watch my friend represent herself and wonder at what has happened. I was called to testify... she asked questions of me for about an hour... cross examination was about 3 hours. She learned a lot from the experience (i.e. how to object, what is here say). I learned what it is like to be on the stand, hence I could advise her other witnesses on what it is like and how to avoid the snares the other party want to set for them. To sum it up, I refuse to judge anyone but ME... I would not testify my judgement on another party because I have no right to do so. Let the truth shine and set you free!!

She left him when he threw her... she'd wanted a divorce, but being thrown across the kitchen was what prompted her to leave the marital home and move into her parent's basement... with her four kids. Yeah, not good.

He has stretched the divorce out and stalled at every turn of the road. He has stalked her and yes, she got a PPO against him. He continues to threaten and harass her and her family. I don't understand how his lawyer can facilitate his manipulations. I don't understand why he didn't take the reasonable settlement offer she gave. I truly fear for her safety. Watching this nightmare play out is like watching a bad Lifetime movie.

All I know is that I'm grateful. Hubby and I may have our moments, but he is a DOLL. I love him and am so glad we found each other in this crazy world. I wish my friend had not settled. She deserved more and should have waited. Her life is very complicated now. I pray for her and the kids... When you marry a crazy person and have children with him you damn yourself and your kids.... I know she regrets it now...

The good news is that she is SUCH a great mom that I have great hope her kids will rise above the situation as they witness her strength and conviction. She never bad mouths him to them (or within their hearing). She never breaks a promise. She provides security, love, and caring. He is learning I suppose.... but he has yet to put their needs above his own. How can he manipulate the kids to get back at her? The collateral damage of divorce is huge... I don't know how people survive... how is it that this has become the norm? How do we protect our marriages in this society so that we don't perpetuate this sad legacy upon our kids?

I'm grateful for Hubby... he and I may not be perfect, but we are both committed to working on our partnership so that it lasts our lifetime. I'm so grateful that we both had parents who stuck together... it is easier to see divorce as a way out if it is the family norm. Marriage is WORTH working on... I wish more in our society would take the time to work through it... a good marriage is not all magic and music, you must work at anything that is worthwhile....

Tests / Crazy Stuff

Wouldn't you know that I don't have results yet on my heart testing from last week. Thankfully the welts are almost gone from my crazy skin reaction to the crazy adhesive used to hold the electrodes on my lovely chest (that's what Hubby tells me anyway, that it is lovely).

This weekend was heavy on the chest pain (insert heavy chested joke here). Not bad enough to seek medical attention, just kind of bad / uncomfortable. My problem is that I was forced to pay attention to how I felt and to watch for symptoms for the fabulous Holter Monitor Test. In watching for symptoms, I tuned back in to the noise that is my every day pain. As a result I had a really bad pain weekend -- because once I tuned back in on what is happening with me physically, I felt the pain that I have ignored for so long.

I've learned to live with pain by ignoring it. Paying attention to how I feel is generally a bad thing. A very bad thing. Tuning it out and living life is a good thing. Being forced acknowledge it makes it SO very much harder to tune it out. So I have felt my pain since Wednesday and I'm having a really hard time trying to block it back out. Once the cat is out of the bag....

I wonder if this makes any sense at all to anyone who has not lived with chronic pain?

On a very bright note, my friend (who I mentioned way back here) got great news! The much delayed psychological exam was done on her crazy husband and he IS for lack of a better term.... crazy. The recommendation is to not allow unsupervised visits with him. This is great news as we have truly feared for their safety during their visitations with that man. Now we must pray that she stays safe and he doesn't try anything crazy. Way too much crazy going on there.... and I wonder why I have chest pain. Couldn't be anxiety could it? ;-)

The weather was BEAUTIFUL today. I hope to escape to the water again soon. I need a sunset fix! The sunset here is one from winter here.... I could not believe how the clouds rolled and the light shone through the darkness... a bit of a metaphor for hopefulness huh?

/Can I just say that linking back to old posts from my black template days makes me crazy? The colors look like crap on the new happy white background. Ugh. If I went back through and fixed all of them I might go insane.... I would also drive any subscribers insane. Must resist urge to remove color.... must be strong.....

Staring at the phone... Silence is Loud

I feel bad for Hubby. Staring at the phone and listening to the loud silence is frustrating. The friend who works at the company where Hubby interviewed says not to worry. They are considering Hubby for a higher level position. I asked Hubby to remind our friend that starting at a lower level and moving up would be just fine! HELLO!!! We are broke here people! I have two kids with birthdays happening and I would love to not be sweating the finances quite this much. I have so much work to do to restore our credit. Late payments hiked one credit card up to 30%!!!! YIKES!

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So we will keep staring at the quiet phone and hope for a happy ring. I can't wait for the day that the phone sings the song of hope and a new career. Hubby deserves it... he is SUCH a great guy and hard worker.

I am missing my internet connection at home. It has been WEEKS and the issue still is not solved. We have broken down and invited The Geek Squad to rescue us. (The issue could not be replicated when taking the CPU in for a looksee). Can you believe my Dell warranty expired just ONE WEEK before my hardware issues began? Oh the pain! I miss have a place to put my odd pictures.... Next week's appointment will not come soon enough!

It is hard to blog on my lunch hour when I'm on the road more often than not right now due to work. I need my bloggity outlet to stay sane.

Updates & Tidbits:
- My kids turn 11 and 12 this week -- perhaps I should work harder on losing the pregnancy weight? I love thinking back and telling them what it was like the day before, the day of, and the day after their births (come to think of it, I need to blog about Super Girl's wonderful birth -- I covered Wonder Boy's birth here). They get a kick out of knowing who came to visit (though I probably shared too much when I told Wonder Boy how irritating it was when my inlaws would not leave the room for me to place my ice pack. "Moooommm!!!!!!!!"
- I enjoyed dying Hubby's hair recently :-) Funny the things yourself for the job market -- premature gray go away!!
- My brother remarries in March and the baby is due in May. His life is seeming more stable now, I hope so for the sake of his kids and new wife. Stability and security -- may they have them!
- I'm taking my last 2 classes and can not wait to be done! Each step closer brings me utter joy!
- Snow is getting old but still looks pretty when it paints the branches of all the trees.
- 4 wheel drive makes a difference.
- The Hoopty is fixed -- I love my 2001 Escape!!!
- Potholes are bigger than the cars....
- My friend's husband is being prosecuted for violating the Personal Protection Order!!! YIPPEE! Mr. Untouchable may be held accountable -- we pray! I am afraid she will be the next murdered woman. We would all believe it... he is crazy.
- My friend and I took a self defense class -- wow! It was at my kid's martial arts place. Simulations can be scary. I learned a ton. So did she. I hope it helps her when she needs it and that she will be careful to prevent Mr. Untouchable from having opportunity. We are going to have our kids take a radKids class this year -- staying safe by increasing awareness makes as much sense for them as it does for us.
- Obama -- I'm kind of excited for him! My reasons behind my support thus far are listed here. I enjoy following politics in America on the BBC -- check out this guy. I love catching his perspective. I hope he is wrong about "The Baracklash." There is something wonderful about this election in that we are talking about it and excited about it. I hope we can come together and be less partisan. My support of Obama is a step in that direction. Do you have to lean Democrat to be a teacher?
- Pain is worse again, need to go back for acupuncture. I had the flu and missed an appointment... then there was money.... now I'm back to minimum function outside of work and obligations. I need to get back to being myself.

And that is what is happening here at The Grim Reality! Hope all is well with all of you -- so sorry on the lack of visits and comments, I'm blogging on the down low until the internet returns to my home PC. May it be soon!

I would like to thank.....

I love Post Secret - some of these people speak for me!

I am excited to report I have passed my teaching certification testing! YIPPEE!!!

Everyone told me not to worry, but I did anyway. I was afraid that though the test seemed easy, it must have been more difficult than I thought and I would therefore fail. How is that for self confidence? Sometimes I make too much of things!

I'm taking a women's self defense class and I made my best friend attend with me. I'm sore as the dickens from the work out and she is too -- sorry to admit this made me feel better as she works out all the time and is fit as a fiddle. I'm currently feeling like a blob. I am grateful she loved the class and is gaining skills to protect herself. Currently the police must stand by when she does custodial exchanges with the soon to be ex husband. How sad is it that he can't put his children first? I feel so sorry for her and the kids! He has been violating the PPO. I hope he is held accountable.

My Hubby didn't get the call last week.

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The friend who works for the company he interviewed with said it is because they are so short handed at present. I hope this is right....

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Waiting is still so difficult.

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I was thinking how much easier it is to be patient now vs. when I was my children's ages (they are turning 11 and 12). Somehow life's bumps and bruises have made me so much stronger. I would not wish any of my childhood teasing on my kids, but I must admit it made me stronger. I guess struggles make you who you are. We will get through these difficult employment and financial times. I'm just so grateful for health for my family and friends. If you have health you have everything. Now to get back to losing weight! I wish I could figure out my recent rapid weight gain. Getting old isn't reason enough!!! (Yes, I will be 40 this year!).

Back to staring at the phone and trying to come up with an exercise program when I can't afford the gym. Self motivation is hard to find when it comes to working out and eating healthy. Why is it so much cheaper to NOT take care of myself?

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I will take baby steps.

Tidbits

I'm losing my mind with my lack of home computer internet. I miss being able to download and upload my photos. I miss blogging at home. I hope to make room in the budget for computer repair this month. For now I'm posting from work - thus I'm posting much less.

Here are some updates on some of the many things I've blogged about -- wish there were time for full posts....

- My best friend (who's breast lump turned out to be benign! YAY!) was scheduled in court today for an emergency custody hearing. Her soon to be Ex-Hubby is insane. His lawyer called and canceled for no reason 15 minutes before the hearing. It amazes me how an evil person can manipulate the justice sister. I am scared of him and he is allowing shady characters around their 4 kids. Pray for them -- they need it. I just wish he'd stop using the kids to get back at her. I wish he would take the high road, but he is staying on the low one. How do you not take your 3 year old to his speech therapy / special education? How is such a basic need disregarded? What is more important than your children? UGH! Please pray for them. He needs help too. Long stories, not enough time.

- Classes: I love my classes this semester. It will be so strange to be DONE at the end of April. Working full time and taking classes at night has been my routine since 2001. Getting teaching certification has taken more than 80 credit hours (I already had a degree too!). Student teaching showed me the effort has been well worth it. I can't wait to be a teacher!

- Pain: It is better than it was. Acupuncture and the chiropractor help -- I never would have believed that either of these "witchcraft" therapies could help. Funny when a skeptic becomes a convert....

- Dental and Optical -- holy cow. Between the two we have dropped $1600 this month. Note to self, do not put this stuff off & DON'T schedule them for the whole family in the same month!!!

- Employment: Hubby is still looking for gainful employment. Overnight work for $9 per hour is not enough to live on. I hope something breaks for him soon -- though I'm afraid to hope with this state's economy.

- Wonder Boy and Super Girl: I love my kids so much. They have a snow day today and I'm wishing I was home with them (poor hubby will not get to sleep much today). They are both in Tae Kwan Do and LOVE it. I'm convinced that any physical activity is good and will eat Macaroni and Cheese for every meal rather than not having room for it in my budget.

Super Girl still needs to finish adjusting to middle school in terms of stepping up academics. She is capable but lazy due to lack of interest. When she cares she is brilliant but she plays dumb. UGH -- why do girls think it is cool to pretend to be dumb in this society? Also -- why does PMS last 24/7 in an 11 year old?

Wonder Boy is in love with Hannah Montana / Miley. He has cut out pictures of all of his favorites and tapes them all over his room. It looks like high school musical threw up in there. He is happy, I am grateful.

Blood Pressure: Can I just say that a low salt diet is exceedingly difficult when you have always considered salty snacks a mainstay food group? Despite eating healthier and drinking less, my weight remains way too high. It needs to warm up so I can add walking to my mix of daily activities. I will keep trying. I am eating more of good things and less of bad. Hopefully things will improve soon. The medication has lowered the blood pressure, but I want to do it without medication if I can.

Money: Financially things are pretty crazy ugly for us... but this too shall pass. We are at negative equity on the home most likely due to

Depression: Mine is improving because Hubby has improved some. Still fighting the good fight.

Inlaws: They have been better behaved lately. I admit to jealousy at the moment as they have left our frozen landscape for their winter vacation in Florida. How is it that they didn't have money to pay my husband and yet they have money to take a Florida winter vacation again this year? It seems to me that his 20 years of labor should allow him some of the profits... but alas, they do not see it this way. As far as they are concerned they owe him nothing. I don't care if there are staying with her brother -- driving across that many states and vacationing in FLA still costs a lot of money. Whatever... I am trying not to be bitter.

Sister's Controlling Hubby: As much as his controlling behavior makes me nervous, nothing has escalated. He still manipulates and guilt trips her, but I think she is recognizing it and standing up for herself more. Maybe this is just part of the settling in of the first few years of marriage. I hope so.

Life is good. I love my family and enjoy my friends. I'm hopeful for the future. I'm grateful for what we have. There are many things going well and I appreciate that.

So, that is the news from Camp Grim Reality. We are happy campers who will play indoors while it rains!

Blood Pressure - Yikers!

So, what's up with my high blood pressure? I have always been in the range of 110/70. On my last three checks it was in the range of 140/90 to 140/110. Most recently is was the 140/110. No wonder I've had some pounding headaches as of late. The cause? I'm overweight and addicted to salt. Add a dose of stress and a lack of exercise and..... Viola! We have high blood pressure.

I have been put on a low salt diet and a water pill. My doctor agreed with my plan for weight loss (portion size, better choices) and exercise (starting with walking and vamping up as I feel well enough from my pain issues). Stress reduction is not realistic at this time, but how I manage stress is improving. I'm considering yoga and am doing more prayer. High blood pressure is known as the "Silent Killer." I have no desire to be silently killed. The last thing I need is a heart attack or stroke as I finally finish my last semester of classes for teaching certification.

I'm hoping the medicine makes a quick difference so that I feel good and WANT to exercise again. For now I'm getting some extra walking in as I run to the bathroom! The air is too cold for walking outside -- but I sure am tearing up a path to the office bathroom! It is slightly embarrassing.....

Misc. updates on life (since my home internet hates me right now I will give bullet points vs. detailed entries filled with angst and mirth.... sorry!):
- My best friend's ugly divorce has gotten uglier.
- The husband has allowed unsavory characters around the kids. One came to school and yelled at the 2nd grader who then wet his pants. How can someone do that to a little kid? It makes me sick.
- My (evil) sister's controlling hubby is still controlling and she is now facing the angst of having to deal with inlaw daycare and grandparents not following her wishes. Yikes. Ugly. My (Evil) sister and I are getting along much better. It has been a long road, but now I when I call her my evil sister it is with a smile instead of out of pain. Hopefully her husband will step to the plate and stand up to his parents.
- Hubby's resume is complete and posted. It has been sent out. He even went to a job fair! Pray for his success, he is frustrated since his 2 sister, a brother inlaw, and my best friends have all gotten jobs and he has not. I keep trying to get him to talk about where he is going vs. where he is or where he has been. I think to be able to make a change you must be forward looking and optimistic vs. downtrodden and disappointed. I mean that you have to be this way with EVERYONE not just on interviews. Why would your friends try to help you network if you are sounding like Eeyore? I think he is starting to get it that jobs come through networking...
- My 2 new classes this semester are enjoyable and demanding but manageable -- YAY!
- I feel like I'm reconnecting with my kids after being way to crazy last semester -- YAY!
- I paid off a credit card! There are many to go, but we are down one!

Great News!

My friend's mass was removed and it is benign!! I am so excited for her that she does not have cancer! Her very first mammogram showed abnormality. The very best cancer institute around said they thought it was cancer so they would forgo the biopsy (to avoid spilling cells). She had the surgery last week and YIPPEE! The mass was not cancer. She is young for whatever kind of tumor it was... so was a grateful for answered prayers!!

My cousin is recovering well from her mastectomy. She is in year 5 of her breast cancer battle and is taking Christmas off from chemo. Her doctor wants her to heal from surgery more (the skin may be dying over the surgical site). She is relieved to have the holiday off.

It puts it all in perspective doesn't it????

Ugh.....

He told her that he was keeping the kids until today. He lied. How crazy is this? He is the one defying the court order. She is the one that does not get to see her kids. This isn't right.

My Friend

I am happy for my friend. The mass has been removed and now is the wait to hear about the pathology. This will determine the next step (will there be radiation? will there be chemo? will surgery be the whole thing?). I know she is relieved to have the mass removed. I am relieved too.

Now her challenge is to survive a soon to be ex husband who feels he can make custody arrangements fit his schedule. He was supposed to meet and drop them off this morning but he decided to keep them until tomorrow. This after skipping the boys basketball games. This after skipping speech therapy for the 2 year old. This after sending the kids to school without hats and gloves. This after failing to buy car seats as ordered by the court (he takes her car seats).

When do HER rights start to matter? Is it true that because HE is still in the house that HE will be looked upon more favorably for custody since there are more beds than at grandma's where she is staying? Why does he get an advantage when she fled the home because of his violence? Why isn't her lawyer telling her what to do when he violates an agreement? She should be planning ahead for this because we all know he will break all agreements. I understand that the lawyer takes the weekend off, but why not have a list of contingency steps for my friend to follow when the soon to be ex violates an agreement.

I hate not having control. So does my friend. I wish I could make this better. I hope and pray the judge looks at this man's actions and holds him accountable. Ugh.