Not ready for this...

Watching my father age is scary. I remember his mother besieged by dementia when she was just a few years older than he is now. I remember reality slipping away from her. I see that he is not as sharp as he used to be.... I see him struggle with macular degeneration. How horrible it would be to not be able to read any longer.

I see him struggle with comprehension of what he reads and with memory.... I hate watching the aging process. I hate watching these changes as they signify a time when he will no longer be independent. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this... Please stop. I'm not ready.

Happy Holidays!

For me, baking Christmas cookies is a joy. I love the tradition of replicating my mother's hard work through her recipes. I love looking at her handwriting on the notecards and viewing her perfect script. This year I loved sharing the tradition with my daughter as she helped me complete tasks I could not complete without her. She has the capable hands that I lack. I fell this fall and suffered some physical setbacks that I have feared to admit.... I have a hard time accepting limitations and my current situation is no exception. I am suffering pain and struggling to maintain my frantic lifestyle despite the obvious limitations.

How is it that seeing my own limits is impossible for me? Joy is allowing loved ones to fill in the gaps -- and enjoying new traditions. I love my children. They are developing into such interesting people! So this year I bake cookies with Super Girl while playing Call of Duty / Black Ops with Wonder Boy. They are each uniquely wonderful. Hubby is wonderful as well - he did the shopping and wrapping. I am blessed to have such a family!

My goals going into 2011 revolve around getting healthy (I start physical therapy next week) and enjoying the right now. I am counting my blessings and wishing the blogosphere a wonderful new year. May your blessings be countless and your joys celebrated in the simple things...

Comfort

As the summer ends I know I need to wrap up my medical stuff. I need to have a D&C for some female issue I have been having. I'm not excited.... I am not freaked out, but I just can't stand the thought of possibly being laid up as I get ready for school... I find comfort in looking at the picture my mom gave my daughter... "Light of the World" is a wonderful memory and reminder of my mom (click the link for the back story).

I love this picture. I bought one for my dad. I bought one for my god daughter. I got one for my sister and one for my brother. I got one for me too (for when my daughter moves out some day and takes the original with her).

Faith is a gift and this picture is a symbol of faith that brings me great comfort. I need to stay in touch with my faith and let it comfort me. There are so many beautiful things in this world... I need to enjoy them and not sweat the details (as I tend to do).

I need to remember to hang onto my faith and not just when I'm stressed. My best friend is going through some crazy bad times... I admit it, her life raises my blood pressure. I wish life happened the way that it is supposed to and that good people would not be victimized by bad people. Ugh.

$ is still an issue... but at least hubby and I are still holding down jobs. In my state's economy this is major. It is hard to see the foreclosures everywhere. I wish we could refinance at a lower rate but our payment history is not perfect so I'm afraid to even try. Ah the joys of a family business that went under and the legacy of trying to keep it going. Oh well. There are worse things!

We are enjoying the puppy and are trying to be dog whisperers to our existing dogs. Things seem to be improving now that we have decided to lead our pack. Life is good -- I need to learn not to have such angst and to enjoy the NOW.

May positive thoughts breed positive results!

Pictures of what is missing....

Another holiday passed and I was again lonely for my mother. It has been 5 years since she passed and her absence still looms large over every family gathering. We have had 2 new family members marry in and 4 babies born into our extended family since she passed. How can there be 6 new family members who do not know how great we were with Mom on our team?

I would like a new family picture with these wonderful new additions to our clan... but it is unbearable to contemplate a family photo without her. I don't like having my picture taken, but I know I will treasure a portrait of the extended family when we someday find the courage to have another taken. I just struggle with it; so I don't take the initiative. I also know it will hurt my dad to have a formal family picture taken without her....

So, nobody mentions a family picture despite the fact we all would like the new members of our family to be in the picture that hangs on our walls. This is the part of grief that does not fade over time... it still cuts like the sharpest knife.

Already July?

The pain has been terrible lately. It is amazing how much you deny and for how long, but in the end you pay when you don't do that which you know you must do to take care of yourself.

I have overdone it for too long and the crash hit me. I'm struggling mightily at the moment, but I am pretty grateful that I've hit a point where I can enjoy the down time provided when the crash hits.

Now to work my way out of the ditch. Time to eat right, exercise, slow down, exercise (again), relax, self limit and restore. I'm going on vacation next week. It is much needed. I can't wait to curl up with another good book. Something about this Twilight series makes it a page turner. It is nice to read something that isn't super graphic.... I like to read books before I see the story in a movie because I feel like my imagination is hindered by the director's vision. When I read the book after the movie I compare the text to the film and my imagination is limited to the physicality of the actors or special effects. My imagination is better than what can be captured on film. Is it just me?

Updates:
-Dad is doing well, still weak but improving.
- Wonder Boy and Super Girl are having a wonderful summer. I need to work on math review more.... perhaps this week?
- Hubby is looking at classes for this fall! YAY!
- Grad school is kicking my ass. I'm taking the stopper class in my program. I understand why people stop but I will make it.
- LOTS of computer issues -- hard to handle thermal events... glad for back ups.
- My very best friend is close to finishing divorce arbitration. I think I need to get busy writing the book for her... the madness astounds me.
- Dad is opting toward radiation vs. surgery for that pesky prostate cancer. A better option in light of his recent surgical nightmares.
- Still not comprehending what the hold up is with my brother getting driving again... ready for him to be able to take some of the workload off of me.
- Interesting that memory is coming back lately... I still have major gaps due to my stroke in 2002, but it is interesting to start to have some of my learning abilities return now that I'm more challenged by this graduate program.

I really enjoyed my nieces and nephews recently. Can I just say that I'm jealous of the stay at home mom club? I know you work your butts off... but I'm jealous of your job!! the 10+ year gap between my kids and this flock of babies makes me feel like a grandparent.... it is wonderful to enjoy the babies of others.

This and that....

Is the above poison ivy? I don't know, but I've already had several severe "contact dermatitis" situations this year and I'm not happy about it. I'm sorry, but I don't like to scratch until I bleed.....
We are on a Topsy Turvy ROLL! 6 tomatoe plants have been planted and now he is planting cucumbers..... We shall feast shall we not?
Spring came and it was beautiful.....
Travel brought me and some new friends to appreciate sunsets on the shore. It is nice to have a perk like this to go along with work travel.

How is time flying so very quickly?

Good news: my dad is much better. He is on the slow road to recovery. I am grateful at how lucky and blessed we are to still have him. Thanks for the prayers!

Super Girl seems bound and determined to spend time at summer school this year. Not the choice I thought she'd make, but if she is determined then it will be her destiny.

My pain is pretty bad... travel is kicking my butt and weather change is always a challenge. My how graduate school is challenging as well! Yep, crazy hectic times around here... does this ever change?
It is in the small quiet moments when you see the sunset on the blooms that you know the frantic pace does not matter... right now matters. I hope all is well with you right now. When I stop and take a deep breath I am grateful for the mercy of this moment right now.....

c-diff

Live and learn. I had thought my dad's surgery was the big hurdle to leap. Silly me! The hurdle is this crazy illness called "C-diff." Who knew you could be recovering from an insanely major AAA surgery (with more than a few complications) just to learn that the real challenge is diarrhea. Again, silly me! Live and learn.

Dad is home and we are caring for him there. It is interesting trying to organize your siblings when you are the 3rd born of 4. Whatever.... I will try not to take this personally. You can try to make a chart for people to sign up for times, but you can't make them organize their lives. I do my best, but there comes a time when I only have so much left. I know this too shall pass so I'm trying really hard not to go off on anyone. It is hard when your siblings don't get it that you too are sacrificing but that you won't make it look that way in front of dad. Hello, he does not need more to worry about! Our job is to make this look easy to him! DUH!

Should be an interesting conversation tomorrow with one particular sibling. I need to be calm when I advise this person that is is our JOB to make this look easy to dad. DUH! Wish me luck!

Waking up!

Dad woke up today! He is on the slow road to recovery here on day 8 in the surgical intensive care unit. Today he is FINALLY off the ventilator.

Sorry for not posting updates since Monday (thanks for the gentle reminder Pamela -- your comment in my email provoked this post and I am glad as I will not remember the details a week from now). I've been living at the ICU. Dad has been busy. For those tuning in late, had a scheduled surgical repair (open repair no less) of an abdominal arotic aneurysm. Complications we have experience this week included:

• Impaired kidney function (very slow to return but returning none the less!),
  
• Pneumonia, not severe (what do you expect after a week on a ventilator?),
  
• Heart arrhythmia (that stunk, it is really hard to watch a sleeping person having a heart rate of 140+ bests per minute, because it was AFib they could shock him to get the rhythm back, it eventually worked -- I don't remember how many times he got shocked, I left the room though and watched the heart rate on the monitor)
• Antibiotic induced C-Diff (avoid this if you can, it is nasty but curable)
• Some need for insulin due to sugar issues (typical after major surgery)
• Blood transfusions have been needed, but only 2 I think -- pretty cool that they can recycle your own blood lost during surgery, he bot 2 bonus units on top of this but that's okay.
• A minor MI (who knows when that happened between the surgery, a-fib, shocks, and recovery he slipped a minor heart attack in there somewhere. No major damage apparently).
  

Here is what I can say. ICU nurses and doctors are AMAZING. I appreciate them beyond words. These people work miracles on a daily basis. They like cookies too -- I'm not above bribery!

Lights in the darkness:
- Dad recognized me today.
- Dad told me he loved me too.
- Dad wanted a diet pepsi but settled for the ice chips offered without complaint.
- My older brother and I have become closer through this challenge.
- I'm blessed with a Hubby who supports me so I can be with my dad
- I have had 3 separate meals provided by friends this week -- this is a simple mercy that brings comfort and joy to a tired mom!
- My faith is stronger through the struggles as prayer brings me the comfort and strength I need.

It has been a crazy rough week. Comments and encouragement have given me needed strength. Thank you for the good thoughts and prayers!!!! I am blessed and grateful. Dad is slowly coming back... every day going forward is a bonus. I have also advised everyone close to me that if I EVER have this major of a surgery that I would like HEAVY sedation! I will be sure to tell my dad after all of this that it was I who looked out for his comfort! ;-)

His Grandchildren

I watched as he gazed upon his grandchildren. His four children have begot eight children... and now he has EIGHT grandchildren. There were only four on this earth when his wife passed. How did four more blessings appear in just 4 years? The most recent addition to the family was baptized in the very same gown each of his children wore on their baptism days... his wife had worn it too... as had her father. The gown was made from a wedding dress and will soon be 100 years old. What a blessing to have this piece of history. What a blessing to welcome a new baby into our faith. What a gift it is to be raised with faith.

He told me that it was one of the best days he's had recently. He loved watching the older kids (mine) interact with the babies. How fun it was to see them (the almost teens) with the not quite 2 year olds! He said it was the best of days. I know he meant that it was the best day since Mom passed away. He did not have to say it... it was written in his eyes. We took many photos of his eight grandchildren together. It was today that I thought, "Why didn't we ask Dad to get into that photo?" I gave him an 8x10 this morning and his eyes sparkled. I told him the only thing wrong with the picture is that he isn't in it. He disagreed, but I told him we'd remedy the situation at the next family gathering.

I will print the best of the pictures very large. I will have it in his hospital room when he comes out of surgery. His job is to stay with us and enjoy the many more wonderful times with his grandchildren. I pray he stays... there are many wonderful memories yet to be made with this band of cousins. I love being the fly on the wall who has the older kids and who can appreciate the wonder of the babies. I don't take it for granted -- each stage passes so quickly... This must be similar to what it is like to be a grandparent. I am grateful for these moments. I will let the giggles sink into me and sustain me through the difficult times. We are so blessed!

Wow!

Time sure is flying!

I'll admit it -- I see the difference between grad school and undergraduate... More is required (as it should be...) I simply may have to do this one class at a time vs. two.... there is a fine line between what is worth working on and what is taking too much of my time (as a working mom of two!). I like how this program is making me think. I hope all of the professors are as good as the one I have now.

My baby turns 12 this coming weekend.... how did Wonder Boy get this old? He is still a snugly loving boy... though he is sometimes too cool to deal with Mom. I am sometimes grateful that he understand and appreciates sarcasm... and then again sometimes not. Wish I didn't have to host the family party with my inlaws for the Febrary birthdays... must clean the house this week and I'm a bit tired to jump into that!!!

I went with Dad today and met with the vascular surgeon who will be repairing his Triple A (abdominal aortic aneurysm). This is round two (first surgery for the leaking ruptured AAA was just 6 years ago... at the time they could not do a full replacement as this was an emergency surgery). Lucky Dad! He gets to do this again! The upside is that he is scheduled to have the surgery a month from now... it will not be an emergency room drama this time.

Upon recovery we will then schedule the prostate surgery to remove the prostate due to the cancer. Again -- this is not a panic as it was caught early. You simply have to prioritize and the prostate is less life threatening than the AAA. I understand the term "sandwich generation" more than I could have appreciated previously.

Tomorrow I will testify in my best friend's divorce. The case is in arbitration. I hope my testimony makes a difference... I feel horrible for her kids and fear for her... her husband is an obsessive controlling stalker... perhaps we can be rich if we right the story of this divorce up as a Lifetime movie... we (my friend and I) could use the income!

Wonder Boy is doing much better in school. Medication was the right decision. I am thrilled to report he is happy and doing MUCH better in school.

Super Girl has not wanted to attend the last two school dances. She seems happy and has friends who attend but she does not want to participate. I'm at a loss to find out why she "doesn't feel like going." I hope all is well... I will keep checking in and listening... middle school was one of the worst times of my life... but as of yet she does not seem to want to share...

Hubby is attending classes & is still employed despite the horrible economy! He is better on the depression front and is not too annoyed with me... I've been studying scripture and my faith. I realize that can be annoying for those who are not into it at this moment... All I know is that when I study the details of WHY Catholics believe this or that.. a LOT seems to make sense to me. I don't get ALL of it... but WOW am I growing a lot the more I read and research. We Catholics do not tend to read scripture... it is interesting to read and listen to converts. They appreciate and bring so much to my understanding of the faith in which I was brought up. Reading daily scripture seems to keep me much more centered on who I want to be vs. who I am. I have more patience to be the person I want to be... I think this is due to the effort I'm putting into what I read.

I wish I had more time to blog as of late... there are so many thoughts percolating in my mind!! Often it is in writing that I truly digest what is cooking in my mind.... I hope to post again soon but cannot promise this week... perhaps next? Thanks for hanging in there with me, cheering for us.. and praying for us! While we face some big challenges I find that I'm calmer than I would have been in the past. Faith helps.. optimism is not without a source.

It is cold and I'm looking forward to spring...

Grounded... for life???

I spent most of my senior year in high school grounded. I was one of those kids who had the uncanny knack for pushing the rage button of my parents. It isn't that I was evil; I was quite normal. I got into less trouble than most teens... but I did push that rage button effectively!

My mother always said that teens are difficult to live with for a reason. If we were pleasant our parents would never want us to move out. God has a special way of helping us leave the nest -- he plans the friction between parents and teens so that the teens will be motivated to leave the nest and the parents will be motivated to let them! My mom was brilliant... you can't argue the logic. She said "If we got along during those years you never would have moved out."

So true.

As a new week begins my tweens have chosen to extend their grounding from TV. Wonder Boy has added an especially divine torture -- he is grounded from the computer. Nick.com is not a life calling my son....

Sometimes I think kids like to get in trouble because they can see that we parents are noticing them. "Please, give me clearly defined boundaries!"

No problem honey, here is the line -- and yes, you stepped over it.

Super girl has gotten creative.... she has agreed to say the rosary to lift herself from another punishment. How much does that ROCK!? Super Girl is saying the rosary!!!!!

So this week will be a joy because Super Girl is saying the rosary, feeding the dogs, and unloading the dishwasher.

Wonder Boy is pulling a power play and trying to torture me due to his no TV or computer status (again, nick.com is not a life calling!). Wonder Boy has an amazing ability to make misery for all who share a home with him. He is a true believer that misery LOVES company.

The good news is that homework is done. We are also in the throes of ANOTHER marathon game of Monopoly. I know you are jealous....

I feel like these moments are a test... can I come up with an appropriate consequence for the discretion... and can I stick by it? For me that is the key -- do not threaten what you will not follow through on! So here we are -- no TV or computer for this week. Hopefully next week Wonder Boy will choose not to be INSANELY DISTRACTING during church (um, hello... it is not okay to pull out post it notes to draw on DURING MASS!). Hopefully Super Girl will choose to hand in homework! (How can you do the work and then forget to hand it in????).

I adore these children of mine. How cool is it that they have to feed the dogs and unload the dishwasher for the next week? (New rule: Complain and the punishment duration DOUBLES!!!). Step up and life is pretty easy... shirk your responsibilities and you will find yourself doing time!!!

(Yes, I allow them to negotiate to lesson their consequences... but hey, it you make a bad choice it will take a lot to change your sentence! Do the crime, serve the time!).

I am evil. I know....

I hope Super Girl decides to get on the ball with her math and English classes. It would be sad to learn about applying yourself in summer school... that and it would be sad to have to do chores to make the $$ your parents have to fork over to pay for that summer school.

Ah the joy of learning the hard way. I must be strong so that they learn these lessons now while the cost is small.

Wow!

What a week!

I fell down the stairs at work last week -- I tried to fall down all of them, but I missed it by a few. Luckily I didn't go over the railing or into the brick wall at the bottom of the steps. I did twist an ankle, pull a quad muscle, bruise my ribs, and wracked my shoulder and neck. Needless to say, I have spent quality time with the heating pad. No lasting damage... just bad aches.

Hubby and I went to the doctor and that went well. I'm on a new medication which has removed my appetite. Between that and recent healthier eating I'm down about 6 pounds! YIPPEE! The downside is the nausea -- hopefully that will pass soon. It is a wonder not to be nagged by constant hunger! I am jealous of those who live like this... it is nice to be able to have portion control because I'm not starving all the time.

Oh -- hot flashes do not last more than a half hour.... who knew? I'm waiting to hear back on the blood work my doctor ordered.

Hubby had a very frightening incident the other night... he choked at dinner. Horrible. I nearly called 911, but he was still breathing. You could hear that it was all wrong though... something was blocking. He vomited (sorry) over and over, but it would not clear. He refused to go to urgent care and yet he didn't have a completely clear air way. Ugh. Finally he vomited again (sorry) and could breath. Hubby has chronic acid reflux that we'd just discussed at the doctors. Hopefully this never happens again, but I have to wonder if the acid reflux has built up scar tissue that is closing off the plumbing? We will give the new medication 6 weeks and see a specialist after that -- sooner if there is another frightening incident. I'm grateful all is okay... I was certain that he aspirated some food into his lungs... but it has been a few days and all is well.

Wonder Boy goes to the sleep specialist tomorrow.

My dad had an ultrasound and his prostate is swollen... the 2nd PSA test is next week (he had the dates wrong). We shall see. If it is cancer at least it has been discovered early (dad is good about getting his yearly physical).

My sister had a healthy baby boy! Cute as a button and so far he is a very easy baby.... I enjoyed visiting with them for several hours and he never cried once. Lucky her!

I make my first Thanksgiving turkey this week! We usually are the guests vs. hosts. I'm hosting at my dad's since he has more room. Should be interesting. Wish me luck!

Things have been quite hectic... hope all is well with you!!

Again I ask...

I am afraid.

I hate fear. I hate that I can not control life. I have tried to go with the flow... but my nature is to take charge and fix things when they are broken. Problems that I can't control sometimes make me crazy.

My Dad has informed me he had an elevated PSA test and that he goes back for another test next week. If it is still elevated he will have a biopsy. His risk factors for prostate cancer are increased due to his brother battling this cancer and due to his age (70 is the new 60 don't you know!).

I am sending up my prayers (yes, I said the rosary this morning after getting this news). It is comforting to me to say a rosary... the repetition and reflections take my mind off of my earthly worries... I am lifted up in the prayers I lift up for others... in this case for my Dad.

If you could please take a moment to life him up in prayer it would be appreciated more than words can express. We have been down the cancer road with my mother and I tremble just typing the word.

Since losing my mother my father has become a rock in my life. I love him more than ever and appreciate his wisdom more than any other time in my life. I always knew he was brilliant, I just never appreciated it. I appreciate it now. I appreciate his approval and pride in my hard work. I appreciate that he is happy with how I'm raising my kids. I appreciate that he approves because I think he and my mom did SUCH a great job with us. If I have have the patience and wisdom I am a wealthy woman indeed!

Wow, this was not the blog post I thought I'd be writing today.

So yes, back to the purpose of this post... please pray for my Dad. I thank you in advance!

And the torch is passed?

I got the call last night. My mom's brother called from out of state and I missed his call. I was shocked -- he never calls. I always am the one who calls him every few months just to check in. I hoped nothing was wrong... and I started dialing. He got to the point right away. He will be sending me some things and wanted to give me the heads up.

Previously I'd expressed interest in the ancestry work he has done. I wanted a copy of the full family tree -- in the back of my mind I will continue the research someday, but for now I was curious about my roots and what is already known. He had sent me the file on email and it was corrupted. I was devastated because I really was interested.

Well, Uncle was calling to give me the heads up that he is sending me the files.... and some other boxes and "stuff." My Uncle is about 65 and in very poor health. He is a very interesting loner character. In the 70s his big pick up line was "Hi, what's your sign?.... Mine is feces." Yes, Uncle has always been full of shit. :-) He has always had a wonderful sharp dry wit.

Uncle was fun. He would work for a few years and take a few years off to loaf and enjoy life. When he ran out of money he'd get a job doing something he had not done before. He hated working and would not do so more than was necessary. As he has gotten older the lack of consistent health care and incessant smoking have taken their toll.

So I told my uncle that delivery guys are good about leaving packages on my porch and not to worry about delivery. Well, it isn't just the files. It is the files and some boxes... and a few tables... maybe a chair.... It won't be coming UPS, some people will bring it. Can he call me in a week or two and can I stay home for a day to take the delivery? I was stunned. Of course I can.

I am one of four children. I have stayed in touch with my Uncle since my Mom passed. I call and leave messages on his voice mail telling him how we all are. I give updates. I worked through him and tracked down my Christening gown that was made from my great great grandmother's wedding dress. My children wore it, my mother wore it -- I wanted my niece to wear it. I'm all about family and tradition.

I have asked questions about his genealogy research. I think this is why this call came to me last night. I am to be the link that continues the story because I value the story that is my family history. I'm the third of four children and it is being sent to me. He is sending all of his family tree files and this other stuff that "you can do with as you wish, have a rummage sale if you want." He is passing on the family things to me to sort through and distribute as I wish. I will not let him down. I will honor the family history and memories. I will tell the stories. I will remember the people.

Shortly after my Mom died, my Uncle said to me "When the people who know you are gone you are truly dead and gone. If someone knows your story you still live on through the stories... but once they are gone so are you. When I go so many will go with me because I'm the last one. Nobody else knew them -- they will all be gone when I am gone."

My Uncle is the last one -- he had no children and neither did my Mom's other sister. My Mom's lone branch lives on through us her children. Now my Uncle is sending me the boxes. He knows it will be hard later because he is out of state, so he is planning ahead and sending the family stuff on now (instead of worry about what might happen later). I admire him for passing this torch -- it is more than thoughtful for a person to take care of things in their life rather than leave loose ends. I am honored to have it passed to me, but I'm sad since I know this is an indicator that he is looking to the horizon. It makes me sad.. I want him to be a bigger part of my life. I am selfish that way.

He is sending boxes that he claims not to know the contents of -- not sure if I believe him. He is frugal; I can't imagine him paying to ship something without knowing the contents of the box. I let him play it off this way though... I will likely do the same thing some day to my kids...

I told him that I'll be calling him for stories when the boxes come. He said to look in the files, the history is there. He is still my loner Uncle -- the stray cat who comes around on his own accord and on his own timing. You can't fence him in or he won't come back.

I will resist the urge to smother him. I wish he was open to being in our lives more, but he is a soul who is independent to the core and who would burden no one. That is how he views it. I will respect his wishes and hope he decides to share more... I love him and hope this will be a start of more interactions instead of the closing of a chapter.

Last night he told me that as a child I drove my mother crazy. Really crazy. I tested her on every level apparently. He said I was one of those kids who tested a parent to the extreme, but who's strength was to be admired. He said she was appalled by and envied my strong will. I was one of those kids you would LOVE as long as you were not the one raising her. "I hope you have one just like you" is what she always said to me. I had two. I credit my Mom for the strength to survive them!

May my Uncle and I have many more great conversations... I will savor this moment and the link he unwittingly gave me to my past. I will wait to hear from him on when the freight company will be coming to town. I will look forward to talking to him again and the excuse the boxes will give me to call him with questions (even if he doesn't pick up the phone and I just leave a message on his voice mail).

I will keep reaching out... I will remember their stories because I will write them down... through me all who came before me will live on... I will not let them be forgotten.

Stealing vacation right now...

I will camp with them next year. I will either be working as a teacher (say a prayer please!) or I will push aside my work guilt and make the time for ME.

My work guilt is self inflicted, I work with my family and they never take vacation time so how can I? It is not like they don't put up with me taking time -- I have taken plenty of time off the last 5 years for my schooling to become a teacher. I just have not had much vacation time that is actual vacation time. I LOVE vacation that is vacation. I love spending time making memories. I sneak it in on long weekends. I sneak it in on weeknights and weekends. I steal vacation moments and sneak them into the every day time.... but it is wearing.

I am tired. It is hard to leave work at 5, make memories until 10pm, wind down and regroup until midnight or 1am (or 2am). I can do it, but after several days I am so tired. A girl needs a little sleep. But now is not the time. Now is the time when my kids are still tweens. They will still share long walks and talks. They will laugh with me and at me... and I with them. I am happy when they are happy. They are not yet teens who shun and despise their mom (this is the job of teens, I understand).

This past week was a joy. I enjoyed watching my kids fish and camp. I loved watching them be the big kids who looked after my best friend's little kids. I loved watching them take the lead in the talent show -- and loved watching them enjoy the little ones who made the act with their cuteness and mayhem. Next year I will get my own tent and camp with my kids and my friend. I will stay up late at the camp fire, I will tell ghost stories, I will giggle in the tent, I will wake with them to enjoy morning excercise (okay, maybe that is pushing it a bit.....).

I will take the time.

Time is running out on their childhoods.... they are 11 and 12. Teen years approach and I will enjoy the drama of who likes who. I will keep reminding them to live with kindness and to follow their internal sense of right and wrong. They know. They are smart kids. I will remind them and pray they stay who they are right now. They are kind. They are smart. They are beautiful. They are caring. I am proud of them. I am grateful. I am blessed. I'm sick of wishing I had more time.... I will take the time now and pay it back later.... They are old enough to play cards and have great conversations about life. You don't get 2nd chances to make memories like the ones we made this week. Now to start taking better care of myself so that I'm here to make them for years to come.

Childhood is slipping away... my mom said I would enjoy each phase with my kids more than the last. When they were newborns I didn't want them to grow -- NO, I love THIS stage the best. Mom would say, "Don't worry, you will love the next one even more!" She was right. I have loved each phase more than the last. I love right now a whole lot though!!!
Sometimes it is the best just to listen to the music they are making with their laughter.....

Kids at camp - wish I didn't have to work!

The kids are camping tonight. I miss them but enjoyed the time there with them last night. I will be back for the talent show tomorrow night. What fun!


There is nothing like catching your first fish... and nothing like being there when your kids catch their first fish! No worries, no fish were killed for this post -- all were released back into the wild. They will forever be in our memories though!

Ah the wonders of summer.... Please don't let it end!

Legacy withstands flood.

We always head north and to the lake shore for the 4th of July holiday. My mother started this tradition when my kids were babies and it continues as her legacy today. We all gather every year and enjoy slow cooked ribs and fireworks over the water.

Sometimes it feel like my life is a sitcom.... Last week we went to my dad's cottage to get away from it all (the stress of job interviews, kidney stones and child predators to name a few of the recent stresses of life). So we drive 4.5 hours and arrive to beautiful weather. The sun is shining, the birds as singing, a gentle breeze is making the leaves on the trees rustle making the sweet music of leisure time to come. (Yes, I was thinking of sunsets too!).

I had driven up a day early to open up and dust the place so that when my dad and siblings arrived the next day they could launch right in to a relaxing 4th of July weekend. I call my dad to let him know we have arrived safely and that all is well. I am on the phone with him as I open the front door of the house.... and see the rain.... INSIDE THE HOUSE. "Uh, dad... I gotta go, it is raining in the house!"
The place was an utter sauna. The temperature was high and the humidity was complete. Water is pouring though the ceiling, down the wall, to (and through) the floor. Not only is it water, but it is HOT water. Apparently the toilet one the 2nd floor has 2 issues; first there is a leak, second the cold water is blocked off and the leak is hot water only. The kids and I leap into action and use every towel in the house to soak up the water on the first and 2nd floor -- I decide to leave the 2+ inches of water in the basement alone -- that problem was bigger than me.
I got the water shut off and the rain slowed. I put pots and pans out to catch the rain in the kitchen and front hall... My dad called the insurance agent and the ball got rolling. It was crazy though -- because the water was HOT every window in the entire house was dripping water. Every sill had to be wiped. Every window opened. After going through and opening all the windows I realized I had to go back and open all the soaked blinds so that they could dry. The window latches had actually rusted due to the humidity that was in the house.... This window was nowhere near the water damaged area (it is actually the window that was furthest from the flooding!). See that stuff on the white paint? It is the rust leaking off the latch of the window.
I had to wiped down every window and sill. Counters, cabinets, drawers all were soaked. The ceiling sagged and the paint on the wall bubbled with the water that flowed beneath. I've never seen anything like it.

Even little things like bathroom cabinets are damaged from sitting in water for who knows how long.
The work is one thing, but the hurt is another. It hurt to see my parents legacy in danger. It hurt to see all of my mother's loving care soaked in water. She made this wonderful home away from home a haven for us in the storm of life. This was the shining place we went to escape from it all. It is hard seeing things damaged in this perfect home. Let's face it, this "cottage getaway" is MUCH nicer than my own home! Luckily only one picture had water damage -- but it is a very sentimental one that was drawn of my mother. The dry out specialists took it for me and I do think it will be okay. I kept cracking jokes with the dry out specialists; "At least I don't live here!" They were a pleasure to work with and truly treated the home with care.

Now my dad will be dealing with insurance adjusters. Luckily the contractor (who gutted this home to the studs and rebuilt it with my mom) is still around and views the home as his baby. I trust him to bring her back to her glory. We will get it back together. There are many more summers that will see us appreciating the beauty of my mother's legacy and the lake shore.
We still celebrated the 4th there (my siblings and our families). We shared fireworks with hundreds of others on the beautiful shore. We enjoyed each other and relaxed despite the roar of the fans (drying carpet and walls) and the hum of dehumidifiers.
We went to the beach and enjoyed the magic of the waves and sun.

My dad handled the loud fans well and kept calm despite his broken heart. His heart was less broken when the contractor reassured him the home would be 100% restored. Dad even handled it well when his car overheated and my Hubby had to go pick him up from his excursion to the store.

The thing that helped me and my family maintain our humor was remembering that this is just a house and stuff, what really matters is people. The family was together and I was able to cook big wonderful meals using my mom's recipes. New happy baby feet danced on the waters edge while hanging on to her mother's hands. What is better than learning to walk? Learning to walk on water!
The weekend started crazy, but ended up as another beautiful gift from my mother. What a wise woman to have started this tradition. No matter how the family grows we will always make room for more when we go and spend time together on the 4th of July.

I hope you have a tradition that pulls your family together -- gathering on the 4th is great for us since this is a holiday that inlaws do not seem to fight over.... I'm glad. It was nice to have everyone together this year. We felt my Mom was with us too... telling us to lighten up and enjoy the sunset.

We enjoyed it... and still missed her too.

Remember....

Remember when your baby had feet so small that you could hold both feet in your fingertips of one hand (while holding the binky inn the other no less!)? Time flies quickly! My new nephew brought me wonderful memories of my babies (11 & 12 now) as babies. I never thought I wanted them to grow any older, but each stage was even better than the last.

I was going to write a post with details about a really scary thing that happened last night, but writing about it upset me. Let me just say, hug your kids and remind them about trusting their instincts. My kids had a bad feeling and attempted to remove themselves from a stranger who approached them too quickly and who nearly followed them into the house. I happened upon the situation at just the right time. Intentions do not appear to have been good - the stranger wouldn't respond to me and fled the scene. My kids are fine. The police have not found the man who would not respond to me when I called to him and asked him what I could help him with.

Please remind your kids to call 911 EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT SURE. Remind them to slam the door and that it is okay to be rude to a stranger asking for directions. Remind them to trust and listen to the voice in their hearts when they feel scared. The police would rather investigate a false alarm than something far worse. I'm grateful that is what they told my babies. Again, my kids are okay. We are grateful to have good guardian angels watching over us here. (Thanks Mom!!)

I am grateful we are okay, but I feel violated and unsafe. My doors are locked. I no longer feel safe in my neighborhood. My neighbors have been alerted and everyone is watchful.

Please hug your babies no matter their age and remind them about strangers...............

End of an era...

As the slide show rolled on the screen and the 5th graders ate their farewell breakfast, I realized that this is my last official elementary school event. My baby is moving on to middle school and I will no longer have a child in elementary school. How did this happen? Wasn't it just yesterday that I entrusted my children into the care of this great school? Wasn't it just yesterday that I shadowed my daughter on her first few days of taking the bus to kindergarten? (No, I had no faith in the system. This was MY baby they were busing!). Wasn't it just yesterday that amazing artwork came home from kindergarten?

So today I sad on the hard bench at the lunchroom table looking at the faces of children who have grown and blossomed over the last 6 years. There are some who I didn't recognize at first, there were others who had the same face and hair; they just have bigger bodies now. Some 5th graders were taller than me. One appears destined to be a super model -- I never wore super high heels in 5th grade! Who am I kidding, I don't wear high heels! Low heels maybe, but forget the towering kind. I looked on and recalled the Halloween parade and the fun fairs. How these children have grown!

The program was simple and sweet. Applause was to be held for the end. Memory books and certificates were distributed. I admit it, I teared up at this milestone. Nobody else seemed to tear up, but maybe they didn't have their youngest child finishing elementary school. I wasn't tearful last year when Super Girl had her farewell breakfast (she isn't the sentimental type though.....) It is a shocking thing to realize that we are moving to another phase... my tweens will soon be teens. I'm grateful our elementary school does not play it as a graduation. I would not have survived the flash forward to high school caps and gowns.... Class of 2015 - it is not as far away as I'd like to think.

I will savor this day. I will celebrate that Wonder Boy was excited to have us at his school event. This will not last as my kids grown into teens who wish Mom and Dad would stay home... I will enjoy every bit of this time where Wonder Boy is thrilled to have us there to celebrate his day. I am grateful.... as I wipe away my tear and wonder where the time went... How can my baby be this old?

The Last Battle

My new nephews hands are a marvel to me. I watched him in his mother's arms yesterday and wondered that my two kids could have ever been that little. How does time pass so quickly? One day they are tiny cooing wonders, the next they are finishing elementary school! My mother promised I would love each stage more than the last -- that is until the teen years (and then she would simply smile).

May I enjoy the teen years with my kids more than all the rest of these previous stages combined. It is so great to talk with them and get their opinions. I just wish that Wonder Boy were more hopeful (he feels global warming will kill us all) and that Super Girl knew phrases besides "Who cares?" and "So?" May I instill caring, optimism and faith -- without these we are lost.

The Last Battle......

The other night my kids asked me to read to them! I savored the moment as I had the pleasure of reading C.S. Lewis' "The Last Battle" from the Chronicles of Narnia. We have read this series aloud together... but as you may know, the last book is darker and harder to get through. Wonder Boy insisted that we get back to family reading nights (YIPPEE! His choice without me pushing!). I was skeptical since I didn't want to continue without Super Girl. She has not been interested and is a tween you know... nothing is cool.

Well, magic happened. EVERYONE was on board to read the last battle together. Previously I'd refused to continue my Oscar worthy reading aloud due to lack of Super Girl's participation. She was on board! I snuggled between them on the couch and we read 2 chapters. I was then asked if we could do a marathon tomorrow. WHAT A WONDERFUL GIFT THIS IS TO ME! (sorry for shouting, I'm excited).

You see, this final book in the chronicles carries home BIG themes from our faith. Great messages for kids are layered on top of each other like the rings of an old tree -- they go on and on. This book series is so timeless and is such a reinforcement of our faith. When my kids get it I feel like less of a failure in their spiritual upbringing. Looking back I could have done better -- I want them to have a stronger base than I've given because my faith has carried me through the worst of times. I just need to get better at attending mass! The rituals of the church bring comfort and strength... may I still instill this as my babies head into their most challenging years of their lives.

I have refused to see the Narnia movies because we have not yet finished reading the series. I didn't want my kids to see the movies because movies are NEVER as good as books. Reading these books together brought back the joy of my experience with them as a child -- by far this is no book series which has ever captured my imagination in the same way. The redemption of all by the sacrifice of one -- how amazing that a writer could take this concept and make it accessible to children through a book series that has a talking lion as a symbol of redemption.

We will finish this last book (not my favorite of the series, but necessary). After that we plan to read on together. This is a huge blessing which I will savor. What a gift that my children still enjoy when I read to them. I am grateful. I can't wait to read with them again...