For realsies? How can you be so cold?

I know that my life is not "normal".  I get it that many can not relate to me because my son tried to kill himself nearly 2 years ago and my dad suffers from rapidly progressing dementia.

But really, can people be so clueless when they know my circumstances?  When I say that I know that the crazy will end and that it will be exciting to be a "normal person" some day soon, does she really have to say that "life is never norma" and there are always challenges?

Does she not get it that her grandmother's illness does not compare to my FATHER's?  Really?  You still have your grandparents and parents.  My grandparents are dead.  My mom is dead.  My dad is dying..... sorry, I just don't think you GET IT just because your 92 year old grandmother is sick.  My dad is 76 and he will be gone soon.  Your sick grandma is sad, but your parents are perfectly fucking healthy.  Drink a cup of shut the fuck up.

When I am sad that my son is suicidal and attempted to take his life nearly 2 years ago, can you just pretend to have sympathy?  Fucking really?  You want to say "At least he isn't dead."  Fuck yes he isn't dead -- he has been my only focus for 2 YEARS!  I've live on pins and needles for 2 YEARS doing all I can to keep my wonderful son ALIVE.  You are single and you get your grading done in a timely manner.  Congratulations bitch, glad you have no real worries in life.

I don't seek sympathy.  I don't want to be Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  But really?  You can't support me when I optimistically say that "I can't wait that it will get better next year?"  With optimism I proclaim "Just you wait to see me when life isn't crazy! I will be able to accomplish amazing things!"

Hello!  Can't you just agree?  Must you really say that there will always be something?    Are you fucking kidding me?  The last 2 years are beyond something.

I don't want anyone to live my life; I don't want anyone to fully appreciate what it is like.  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  But really, knowing my circumstances for the past 6 years, you can't cut me a little slack and pretend to agree that IT WILL GET BETTER?

Fuck you M. and the horse you road in on.

I hope you never know what it is like to be me.  I'm sorry you are single and can manage it all without a blink.  Kudos to you!  Enjoy it.  Embrace it.  For God's sake, APPRECIATE IT!

May you never know what it is like to have your father dying while you try to keep your suicidal son alive while going to school to keep your teaching certification, while working 2 jobs to pay the bills because you were on the low end when wages were frozen.

Enjoy your high end of the pay scale.  Enjoy your GRANDPARENTS while I grieve the loss of my parents (I lost my last grandparent my freshman year in college, you are far past those years).  Enjoy your happy lonely life; just stop fucking judging me.  I will never live up to your standards because I have a live outside of work.  My life is amazing.  My pain is great but my joy is great as well.  Get a life M.  You would be shocked at how much joy you can gain through the suffering.

Oh, by the way.....  Don't tell me that "There will always be something, that is how life is."  Fuck you.  You have no clue how rough life can be and I do not wish it upon you.  Really?  Can't you just pretend to relate?  You are the reason I hate to be around people.  You are the reason I hate social occasions.  You are the reason that I don't go to the lunch room for lunch.  You are the reason I keep to myself and focus on my family and students.

You don't get it.

I hope and pray you never will.

Ow.

Recovering from a major head injury seems to take time. I have had a headache for 3 months now. At times it is mild; at times it is a full blown migraine. I am grateful that my fall was not worse... I am doing physical therapy so that I can get back to normal.

What I have learned is that you must research to determine if your PT is qualified to treat you for a head and neck injury. You can not just let just anyone treat you. You have to find a physical therapist who knows the neck and head. You have to have a PT that will listen to you (otherwise you can end up really dizzy and sick after a PT session; that simply is NOT necessary). I'm so glad I have found a good PT who actually listens to me while still challenging me. I can take pain; I just can't take dizzy nausea.

I'm shocked at how bad my injury was, and I'm glad I'm assertive enough to get decent care.... I hope that recovery quickens but I'm happy knowing I am doing all that I can do.

Happy Holidays!

For me, baking Christmas cookies is a joy. I love the tradition of replicating my mother's hard work through her recipes. I love looking at her handwriting on the notecards and viewing her perfect script. This year I loved sharing the tradition with my daughter as she helped me complete tasks I could not complete without her. She has the capable hands that I lack. I fell this fall and suffered some physical setbacks that I have feared to admit.... I have a hard time accepting limitations and my current situation is no exception. I am suffering pain and struggling to maintain my frantic lifestyle despite the obvious limitations.

How is it that seeing my own limits is impossible for me? Joy is allowing loved ones to fill in the gaps -- and enjoying new traditions. I love my children. They are developing into such interesting people! So this year I bake cookies with Super Girl while playing Call of Duty / Black Ops with Wonder Boy. They are each uniquely wonderful. Hubby is wonderful as well - he did the shopping and wrapping. I am blessed to have such a family!

My goals going into 2011 revolve around getting healthy (I start physical therapy next week) and enjoying the right now. I am counting my blessings and wishing the blogosphere a wonderful new year. May your blessings be countless and your joys celebrated in the simple things...

Summer!

I am excited -- I get to sleep in tomorrow! It is has not yet sunk in that I have survived my first year teaching. I have learned so much... my mind will not shut off on things I want to do (and do differently) next year! I miss my students already!

My chronic pain has been bad... hopefully getting more rest will help. It is so strange how pain can be ignored when you are crazy busy and then once things calm down it rears it's ugly head. I swear the moment I start to relax I feel the pain so much more. I wonder if this is normal for pain people? It seems to be my normal. It makes relaxing feel like a bad idea almost.... almost!

I'm sad that Hubby will not be able to take off for the 4th.... I hate vacationing without him. It feels so lonely.

My doctor did not agree to the MRI to put my worries to rest on the breast issues. It appears the lump is benign..... but the calcifications in the mammogram need to cook a bit longer. We are in the watch and wait mode. Apparently you get to see them light up your films and then you get to wait 6 months to see what they will do. I have 3 more months to let them grow since their first appearance. According to all current research this wait does not impact the five year survival rate.

To be perfectly honest I would be happy to have a double mastectomy right now. I'm sick of cysts, bumps, lumps, and scans. My breasts have become my enemies and I'd be happier without them. It wouldn't be so bad to have a removal and replacement. I know it sounds crazy, but there is a lot to be said for peace of mind.

I'm enjoying Super Girl and Wonder Boy hitting the teen stage.... how did my babies get this old?

Already July?

The pain has been terrible lately. It is amazing how much you deny and for how long, but in the end you pay when you don't do that which you know you must do to take care of yourself.

I have overdone it for too long and the crash hit me. I'm struggling mightily at the moment, but I am pretty grateful that I've hit a point where I can enjoy the down time provided when the crash hits.

Now to work my way out of the ditch. Time to eat right, exercise, slow down, exercise (again), relax, self limit and restore. I'm going on vacation next week. It is much needed. I can't wait to curl up with another good book. Something about this Twilight series makes it a page turner. It is nice to read something that isn't super graphic.... I like to read books before I see the story in a movie because I feel like my imagination is hindered by the director's vision. When I read the book after the movie I compare the text to the film and my imagination is limited to the physicality of the actors or special effects. My imagination is better than what can be captured on film. Is it just me?

Updates:
-Dad is doing well, still weak but improving.
- Wonder Boy and Super Girl are having a wonderful summer. I need to work on math review more.... perhaps this week?
- Hubby is looking at classes for this fall! YAY!
- Grad school is kicking my ass. I'm taking the stopper class in my program. I understand why people stop but I will make it.
- LOTS of computer issues -- hard to handle thermal events... glad for back ups.
- My very best friend is close to finishing divorce arbitration. I think I need to get busy writing the book for her... the madness astounds me.
- Dad is opting toward radiation vs. surgery for that pesky prostate cancer. A better option in light of his recent surgical nightmares.
- Still not comprehending what the hold up is with my brother getting driving again... ready for him to be able to take some of the workload off of me.
- Interesting that memory is coming back lately... I still have major gaps due to my stroke in 2002, but it is interesting to start to have some of my learning abilities return now that I'm more challenged by this graduate program.

I really enjoyed my nieces and nephews recently. Can I just say that I'm jealous of the stay at home mom club? I know you work your butts off... but I'm jealous of your job!! the 10+ year gap between my kids and this flock of babies makes me feel like a grandparent.... it is wonderful to enjoy the babies of others.

This and that....

Is the above poison ivy? I don't know, but I've already had several severe "contact dermatitis" situations this year and I'm not happy about it. I'm sorry, but I don't like to scratch until I bleed.....
We are on a Topsy Turvy ROLL! 6 tomatoe plants have been planted and now he is planting cucumbers..... We shall feast shall we not?
Spring came and it was beautiful.....
Travel brought me and some new friends to appreciate sunsets on the shore. It is nice to have a perk like this to go along with work travel.

How is time flying so very quickly?

Good news: my dad is much better. He is on the slow road to recovery. I am grateful at how lucky and blessed we are to still have him. Thanks for the prayers!

Super Girl seems bound and determined to spend time at summer school this year. Not the choice I thought she'd make, but if she is determined then it will be her destiny.

My pain is pretty bad... travel is kicking my butt and weather change is always a challenge. My how graduate school is challenging as well! Yep, crazy hectic times around here... does this ever change?
It is in the small quiet moments when you see the sunset on the blooms that you know the frantic pace does not matter... right now matters. I hope all is well with you right now. When I stop and take a deep breath I am grateful for the mercy of this moment right now.....

Resilience

Hubby and I had a great conversation about basic resilience this week. Recently I have lost patience with my sister who says things like "Well, if mom were here...."

For me, I can not live life this way. I can not consider the possibility of "if mom were here" because it makes her loss the focus of my life. I can't think about how she'd help me out in this situation or that because it distracts me from the problem solving that I must do now. How can I get through the task if I think about how much easier it would be with my mom's help? I often think about what she would think or say, but I simply can not consider what she would do to help us or what it would be like to have her here still. I can't have my mom here, so I can't consider it (other than to smile at the things I know would make her smile).

I also look at chronic pain this way. I was in my auto accident in 2001. My life was changed forever. I have never had a painless day since the accident. If I stop and say "Wow, imagine what my life would be without pain" then I'll struggle to get through my life with the pain. The pain is a constant, imagining life without it does me no good since I must live my life with it. If I moan and groan and say "Oh poor me" then I will not live my life to my full potential. Living this way I could never enjoy the moment I have right now. If I consider what it would be like I then must mourn for something I can't have. Why not celebrate what I DO have instead?

Am I crazy? Perhaps this is what resilience is all about? If you celebrate the now, embrace the possibilities, and move on from the impossibilities, I have to believe you live a happier life. I don't have time to be bitter. I can grieve, I can miss my mom, but I can not entertain what I can't have. I can celebrate what I had and be grateful I had it. I can live with my pain as long as I don't consider the possibility of living without it.

I wish this strength of will worked for my diet.

Updates as we march on...

It has been a crazy week and I'm not sleeping. For some reason I am waking every half an hour to an hour... no reason, I just wake up and look at the clock and think, "Why?" This has activated my pain which makes typing an exercise in testing my pain threshold... while that is fun and all, I can't take it for too long. Picture getting that hit your funny bone feeling in each one of your finger tips each time they hit a key -- that is kind of what it is like. Seems like the space bar is my enemy... thumbs are worse than fingers for the jolting sensation. I'm not complaining though -- it could be much worse and I'm grateful that I've been through this before and know that I will get to the other side. Pain is worse when you don't trust it to get better. I have learned over the last 7 years that chronic pain ebbs and flows. Many things impact making it better or worse. Many things impact how I perceive the sensations as well... it is easier to ignore when you are well rested. Tuning out the background noise of pain is easier when your reserves of strength are not depleted. This too shall pass!

On a bright note, the medication is helping Wonder Boy! I am thrilled to report that his grades have made a dramatic improvement!!!! YIPPEE!! This has made him feel SO much better about himself! He is no longer a zombie. I was not being at all hard on him about the last report card because this kid is just like me... he is 10 times harder on himself than I could ever be. Any words of mine would have just made it worse, so I focused on how we could change things. I think this made him feel guilty he was not in enough trouble! There must be something in our Irish Catholic DNA, guilt is inherited even if it is not inflicted. There is something in how we are made that makes us feel awful when we do something wrong or when we do not do our best. Wonder Boy fits this to a T. He has simply been riddled with guilt and worry even though he has gotten nothing but support and encouragement. How can you scold a kid who is barely functioning due to his lack of sleep? So I worked with him on organizing his homework and using his school planner. I took him back to the sleep doctor and got his medication adjusted. And now? He is starting to remind me of what he was like a few years ago.. quick humor, insightful comments, excellent school performance. I pray it continues!

Speaking of prayers -- THANK YOU for the prayers for my Dad!!!! He got the 2nd PSA tests back today and the level is back down. For now all is good -- the doctors will continue to monitor, but for the moment no action is needed. YAY!

My sister is recovering and my new nephew is an angel. Thank you for celebrating the joy with me! My niece (18 months old) is starting to give my sister a little attitude. I bite my lip to keep from giggling.... perhaps now she will have more of a clue what it is like!! I know, I am indeed evil!

Hormones -- apparently mine are fine so my prolonged hot flashes are NOT hot flashes? How about that? According to my recent blood work tells my doctor that indeed I am NOT starting menopause. Tell me that again as I have another flash. My hormones are fine and my thyroid is too.

Hubby -- I'm nervous to hope, but he seems to be hanging in there on the depression issue. I think it feels good for him to be registered for a class. Symbolically this is a huge step in moving forward.

Well, that's it for updates at the moment; my hands are done with typing :-)

Wishing you a great weekend! I'm looking forward to some rest!

Ow.

So yesterday I was all about relaxing and getting focused going into today's interview. My plan was to read through sample interview question and to relax with a glass of wine. I opened the refrigerator door and of all the crazy things, I had the overloaded door shelf fall on my big toe! Yowie! Then, a random bottle of salad dressing leaps out and smacks the top of my other foot. OW. Can you say NOT HAPPY?

Needless to say I iced it (the toe), but that big toe is not liking me much right now. It throbbed all night. I can not wear my low professional heels I'd planned to wear today. I'm hoping to get into my really cute professional flats. Can you imagine? Maybe I should attend my big fat job interview in bunny slippers! You have to admit it -- this is funny. The night before the interview of all nights? I may not be lucky in a lot of things, but at least I'm lucky in love!

On the bright side, I've decided my kidney stone must have dissolved on its own. YAY! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! Hopefully my job interview will take care of itself too. Either way -- I'm gaining experience at teaching interviews and that is a good thing! May your toes be safe today!

This too shall pass?

I stopped eating nails for breakfast and decided to review my kidney stone diagnosis with my doctor. My thinking was that I could put on my big girl panties and deal with the pain without professional medical involvement. After 4 days I grew skeptical of my grin and bear it policy and opted for intervention. My clinician and I reviewed my self diagnosis. I had the pleasure of peeing in a cup in order to provide the urine sample she requested. Is it TMI to share that this was my best clean catch EVER on a urine sample? Somehow all went well -- I think guys have it way too easy on level of difficulty in providing urine samples. That whole, start, stop, catch, catch mid stream.... goodness. It makes me nervous!

Anyway, it was not a shock to me that they tested and found no infection present (I knew this was not a bladder or urinary tract infection). There was blood which basically confirmed my diagnosis of a kidney stone, especially coupled with my back pain and occasional nausea this week. Indeed, my self prescribed course of treatment was confirmed as appropriate. I am to continue to increase fluids and pee often. The doctor ordered blood work to confirm that I'm not losing kidney function (I don't think so, but then again I am not officially a doctor).

All in all, my diagnosis and course of treatment were confirmed. I was told this passing of the stone could take a week or so. Yay. My doctor wanted to know if I wanted something stronger for the pain. I told her I eat nails for breakfast and does she really think this is necessary? I've given birth without an epidural -- could this possibly be any worse? I mean, hello -- a baby came out of me, we are only talking a kidney stone here right? It isn't 5-8 pounds is it? No? Then why bother with pain meds? She looked at me like I was nuts. Then she wrote the prescription and told me to fill it -- just in case. I wondered if she would offer to waive my medical deductible payment since I'd done all of the hard work diagnosing and planning the course of treatment. She didn't offer.

As the afternoon wore on yesterday I became glad that she had written me the prescription. I had Hubby fill it and I took that bright pink pill. WOW. My back didn't hurt anymore. Heck, I felt pretty darn good. Yep, I forgot what it is like to be without pain. Not only did this take away the kidney stone pain, it masked my chronic pain that I've lived with since 2001. I'm telling you! If I wasn't so tired I'd be in a pretty darn good mood!

So now I wait for it to pass. May it be soon, I need to get back to the pain of daily living :-) This pain free stuff makes me uneasy ;-) It just figures that I'm in the midst of filling out online teaching applications right now. I mean, doesn't everyone try to pass a kidney stone while searching for a job? I just wouldn't be me if I didn't add unnecessary stress to a critical time in the job hunt. "Oh, I'm sorry.... did I attach that same file 8 times?"

Who wouldn't be impressed by my skills????

Back to the heating pad.

Kidney Stone

Storm clouds rolled in quickly yesterday. I was glad that darkness was off to the north of me. (The photo was taken somewhere around 4pm....). I expected to lose power but am glad we did not -- many are still without power. Not fun when it is over 90 degrees!

My best friend will be my nanny this summer! Can you say YAY? I'm excited to have peace of mind. She is wonderful, her kids are great too! It should be a good summer!

I am also happy that Hilary Clinton has thrown her support behind Obama. I agree with everyone -- she blazed a trail with determination and for that I respect her. May our next female candidate be less polarizing and more successful! May Obama be who we hope he is.

I am struggling a tad due to what I think is a kidney stone. I had one a few years ago, so I'm just going to wait it out. Yeah, it really hurts, but there is nothing they do for you unless the stone is HUGE. Mine is not huge because I've only been brought to my knees by the pain twice in two days. Note to self -- drink more water.....

Prayers for my Hubby

So, I have an idea. I know, you are thinking -- what is your big hairy idea G.R.G? Here it is....

I think my husband should take my job when I start teaching. I work for family and am overpaid for what I do. Hubby could do the work that I do AND be happy at it. He would happily do it for less pay. I need to get out of the driving (it causes me so much pain) and into teaching (which brings me so much joy!). My job could go to him when I leave! IT WOULD BE PERFECT.

What made me think of this? Well, my brother inlaw got laid off yesterday and my Dad called him and told him not to worry -- worst case scenario he could work for him at our office. Um hello? The only difference between hubby's situation and the brother inlaw is timing and education. The brother inlaw got laid off (1 month to work, 2 months severance). Hubby was in a family business that died a painfully slow death (construction, need I say more?). Brother inlaw has a college education, hubby has some college but no degree. My Dad never made the call to Hubby. I think that it is most likely because at the time he was thinking of selling the business because he wanted to retire. Now our family has the business running so that he doesn't need to worry -- hence it can continue vs. being sold.

Hubby is smart, he has just always sold him self short due to the lack of education. My thinking is that he offers himself up and that I support and help him into it -- while he goes to school at night and gets the polish you get from completing a degree. Hubby and I had a long talk tonight and I think he is open to it. It isn't like we don't already have a family member working in the business without a degree. Hubby brings more to the table than he realizes (20 years in a small business doing everything from book keeping to prospecting to equipment operations to customer relations.....).

I pointed this out to him tonight. I told him how he HAS to believe and be confident. It is up to HIM to sell this idea; to sell it he must believe it. He has to approach my dad. He has to sell himself. He has to believe. My dad loves him and respects him. I think he never thought of offering him a job simply because Hubby never acted interested (brother inlaw acted interested when he was researching something for his master's program). When my sister mentioned the offer to brother inlaw I was initially hurt. Then I looked at it logically and realized the advantage of a sudden layoff vs. a slow death of a business. A sudden loss needs to be fixed right now. A slow death.... is a slow death.

Pray for us. I think this whole tearing down over the last year could have been God's way of getting him ready to work for my family. He had too much pride in the past to ask for help, but I'm hoping he realizes that he offers a great asset in himself and that he brings a lot to the table to make this a win/win.

I don't think my brother inlaw will take my dad up on his offer. My brother inlaw is kind of prideful and would not want to be beholden to the family business. Hubby's pride is stripped away and he can see an opportunity staring him in the face. Please let my family see what is obvious to me -- hubby is ready for the transition from blue collar to white collar. It is nice to keep the business just family and you could not find a harder worker than Hubby. He is a people person, he is a hard worker, he is willing to learn and do whatever it takes. May this be the door that opens... we really need one to open!!! So, I ask for your prayers. If this is the epiphany we were supposed to come to, let this weekend bring the necessary conversations among family that will make it a reality (sooner vs. later!).

The pug is nuts and is not doing a good job taking it easy. We will have to borrow a kennel for her so she can recuperate from the mysterious injury.

Wonder Boy is cracking me up -- he is now being our DJ by making his own iTune song list. He loves hosting his own radio show. He even has contests -- I was able to name 3 out of 4 mystery songs today. Yes, I am proud!

Super Girl has been a trouper through physical therapy. The MRI is tomorrow and the appointment with the specialist is next week -- please pray with us that the tendon in that ankle is NOT torn. I don't want my poor baby having surgery if we can avoid it. She misses sports but understands when I repeat "You can have short term inconvenience or long term pain if you don't take care of this." Living with a chronic pain mom has probably helped her make the right choice ;-)

So, please pray for us! Thanks for hanging in there with me!

/Yes, I'm apparently a posting wonder now that my Internet is working at home. Whoop whoop for the Geek Squad repair service!

Staring at the phone... Silence is Loud

I feel bad for Hubby. Staring at the phone and listening to the loud silence is frustrating. The friend who works at the company where Hubby interviewed says not to worry. They are considering Hubby for a higher level position. I asked Hubby to remind our friend that starting at a lower level and moving up would be just fine! HELLO!!! We are broke here people! I have two kids with birthdays happening and I would love to not be sweating the finances quite this much. I have so much work to do to restore our credit. Late payments hiked one credit card up to 30%!!!! YIKES!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::stares at phone::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

So we will keep staring at the quiet phone and hope for a happy ring. I can't wait for the day that the phone sings the song of hope and a new career. Hubby deserves it... he is SUCH a great guy and hard worker.

I am missing my internet connection at home. It has been WEEKS and the issue still is not solved. We have broken down and invited The Geek Squad to rescue us. (The issue could not be replicated when taking the CPU in for a looksee). Can you believe my Dell warranty expired just ONE WEEK before my hardware issues began? Oh the pain! I miss have a place to put my odd pictures.... Next week's appointment will not come soon enough!

It is hard to blog on my lunch hour when I'm on the road more often than not right now due to work. I need my bloggity outlet to stay sane.

Updates & Tidbits:
- My kids turn 11 and 12 this week -- perhaps I should work harder on losing the pregnancy weight? I love thinking back and telling them what it was like the day before, the day of, and the day after their births (come to think of it, I need to blog about Super Girl's wonderful birth -- I covered Wonder Boy's birth here). They get a kick out of knowing who came to visit (though I probably shared too much when I told Wonder Boy how irritating it was when my inlaws would not leave the room for me to place my ice pack. "Moooommm!!!!!!!!"
- I enjoyed dying Hubby's hair recently :-) Funny the things yourself for the job market -- premature gray go away!!
- My brother remarries in March and the baby is due in May. His life is seeming more stable now, I hope so for the sake of his kids and new wife. Stability and security -- may they have them!
- I'm taking my last 2 classes and can not wait to be done! Each step closer brings me utter joy!
- Snow is getting old but still looks pretty when it paints the branches of all the trees.
- 4 wheel drive makes a difference.
- The Hoopty is fixed -- I love my 2001 Escape!!!
- Potholes are bigger than the cars....
- My friend's husband is being prosecuted for violating the Personal Protection Order!!! YIPPEE! Mr. Untouchable may be held accountable -- we pray! I am afraid she will be the next murdered woman. We would all believe it... he is crazy.
- My friend and I took a self defense class -- wow! It was at my kid's martial arts place. Simulations can be scary. I learned a ton. So did she. I hope it helps her when she needs it and that she will be careful to prevent Mr. Untouchable from having opportunity. We are going to have our kids take a radKids class this year -- staying safe by increasing awareness makes as much sense for them as it does for us.
- Obama -- I'm kind of excited for him! My reasons behind my support thus far are listed here. I enjoy following politics in America on the BBC -- check out this guy. I love catching his perspective. I hope he is wrong about "The Baracklash." There is something wonderful about this election in that we are talking about it and excited about it. I hope we can come together and be less partisan. My support of Obama is a step in that direction. Do you have to lean Democrat to be a teacher?
- Pain is worse again, need to go back for acupuncture. I had the flu and missed an appointment... then there was money.... now I'm back to minimum function outside of work and obligations. I need to get back to being myself.

And that is what is happening here at The Grim Reality! Hope all is well with all of you -- so sorry on the lack of visits and comments, I'm blogging on the down low until the internet returns to my home PC. May it be soon!

Tidbits

I'm losing my mind with my lack of home computer internet. I miss being able to download and upload my photos. I miss blogging at home. I hope to make room in the budget for computer repair this month. For now I'm posting from work - thus I'm posting much less.

Here are some updates on some of the many things I've blogged about -- wish there were time for full posts....

- My best friend (who's breast lump turned out to be benign! YAY!) was scheduled in court today for an emergency custody hearing. Her soon to be Ex-Hubby is insane. His lawyer called and canceled for no reason 15 minutes before the hearing. It amazes me how an evil person can manipulate the justice sister. I am scared of him and he is allowing shady characters around their 4 kids. Pray for them -- they need it. I just wish he'd stop using the kids to get back at her. I wish he would take the high road, but he is staying on the low one. How do you not take your 3 year old to his speech therapy / special education? How is such a basic need disregarded? What is more important than your children? UGH! Please pray for them. He needs help too. Long stories, not enough time.

- Classes: I love my classes this semester. It will be so strange to be DONE at the end of April. Working full time and taking classes at night has been my routine since 2001. Getting teaching certification has taken more than 80 credit hours (I already had a degree too!). Student teaching showed me the effort has been well worth it. I can't wait to be a teacher!

- Pain: It is better than it was. Acupuncture and the chiropractor help -- I never would have believed that either of these "witchcraft" therapies could help. Funny when a skeptic becomes a convert....

- Dental and Optical -- holy cow. Between the two we have dropped $1600 this month. Note to self, do not put this stuff off & DON'T schedule them for the whole family in the same month!!!

- Employment: Hubby is still looking for gainful employment. Overnight work for $9 per hour is not enough to live on. I hope something breaks for him soon -- though I'm afraid to hope with this state's economy.

- Wonder Boy and Super Girl: I love my kids so much. They have a snow day today and I'm wishing I was home with them (poor hubby will not get to sleep much today). They are both in Tae Kwan Do and LOVE it. I'm convinced that any physical activity is good and will eat Macaroni and Cheese for every meal rather than not having room for it in my budget.

Super Girl still needs to finish adjusting to middle school in terms of stepping up academics. She is capable but lazy due to lack of interest. When she cares she is brilliant but she plays dumb. UGH -- why do girls think it is cool to pretend to be dumb in this society? Also -- why does PMS last 24/7 in an 11 year old?

Wonder Boy is in love with Hannah Montana / Miley. He has cut out pictures of all of his favorites and tapes them all over his room. It looks like high school musical threw up in there. He is happy, I am grateful.

Blood Pressure: Can I just say that a low salt diet is exceedingly difficult when you have always considered salty snacks a mainstay food group? Despite eating healthier and drinking less, my weight remains way too high. It needs to warm up so I can add walking to my mix of daily activities. I will keep trying. I am eating more of good things and less of bad. Hopefully things will improve soon. The medication has lowered the blood pressure, but I want to do it without medication if I can.

Money: Financially things are pretty crazy ugly for us... but this too shall pass. We are at negative equity on the home most likely due to

Depression: Mine is improving because Hubby has improved some. Still fighting the good fight.

Inlaws: They have been better behaved lately. I admit to jealousy at the moment as they have left our frozen landscape for their winter vacation in Florida. How is it that they didn't have money to pay my husband and yet they have money to take a Florida winter vacation again this year? It seems to me that his 20 years of labor should allow him some of the profits... but alas, they do not see it this way. As far as they are concerned they owe him nothing. I don't care if there are staying with her brother -- driving across that many states and vacationing in FLA still costs a lot of money. Whatever... I am trying not to be bitter.

Sister's Controlling Hubby: As much as his controlling behavior makes me nervous, nothing has escalated. He still manipulates and guilt trips her, but I think she is recognizing it and standing up for herself more. Maybe this is just part of the settling in of the first few years of marriage. I hope so.

Life is good. I love my family and enjoy my friends. I'm hopeful for the future. I'm grateful for what we have. There are many things going well and I appreciate that.

So, that is the news from Camp Grim Reality. We are happy campers who will play indoors while it rains!

120/74

The medication is working. My blood pressure is lower. My internet is not working at home and this makes my blood pressure higher :-) I am forced to take a break from blogville. I can not wait to have my computer working again so I can go back to downloading my pictures and updating my blog!

I have been down with the winter respiratory illness that seems to be doing around. It is nice to walk among the living again! My pain has been somewhat manageable since the acupuncture. I missed it this week due to illness but will be going back. Today I can actually breathe through my nose! YIPPEE!! I am also pleased as Hubby seems to be more hopeful. There is talk of a job interview (he is trying to get a job through a friend). With this talk he seems more hopeful and I'm thrilled to see the dark cloud lift a bit.

Financially we were saved from ruin by my Christmas bonus. I am sad to see that it is used up, but we are now out of trouble with the creditors and the kids have had their teeth cleaned and sealed. They also got eye exams and glasses. I hate putting off these basic things due to lack of funds. How fun it was to get it all taken care of! It will be nice when Hubby has a better paying job -- I've learned to be thrifty so one we get into a positive cash flow I'll be excited to pay down more credit cards. Too bad we can't refinance the house at a lower mortgage rate. Oh well -- you can't have it all!!

My goodness! I miss my classroom and students. I am working on my other teaching requirements. I have to take the state certification tests and get CPR trained. I am submitting necessary paperwork... some day! I will get there!

What a difference a day makes!

WOW! I forgot the amazing joy of pain relief! I can move so much easier today. My mind is clear and more optimistic. I am hopeful and ready to take on my challenges! I was not expecting the acupuncture to make THIS much of a difference! Oh the joy!

Now if I could just fix my computer problem at home :-) My computer will not renew the IP address, so I have no internet on my PC. The wireless works for Hubby's laptop computer, but the internet is hating on my PC. Hey internet -- don't be a hater!

Today I will dedicate another hour to my quest. Wish me luck!!

Pain Management

I don't know if I'm a freak, but pain sneaks up with me. Since my 2001 auto accident I have lived with pain as part of my daily life. (I blogged about it here last year). At times my pain is more manageable than at other times. I can often control how much my pain companion effects me by taking good care of myself. If I keep my weight in check and exercise, I will feel better. If I control stress and don't over do driving or hand work, I will feel better. Since my mother passed in 2005, I have not managed my pain. I pushed through it, but I have not managed it.

Lately my pain has been bad. I have lived with the heating pad on me in all of my free moments. I have taken to buying Thermacare neck wraps in bulk (this might be the best invention next to the wheel). The difference between pushing through and managing pain is the the crash. The crash comes if you have just pushed through the pain. One day you are rushing through life like normal, and the next thing you know you are in crippling pain. Functional becomes nonfunctional and the smallest hill becomes a soaring mountain. The crash is when all of a sudden you simply can not function. This is where I am at.

I crashed right after student teaching. Here is the crazy thing -- I didn't realize it! I continued with minimal functioning and didn't realize that I was doing nothing besides the absolute bare minimum. Yes, I know depression ties into this, but pain can take away your will to move, touch, and feel. I have not wanted to do anything. A glass of wine or two is helpful in pushing the pain back... suddenly you find yourself having another glass more often... yep, pain management through vino. Not a good choice. I hate it that I've caught myself in this trap. I hate it that my pain has gotten so bad without me noticing.

I don't usually talk about my pain. I noticed that I've been talking about it lately... "Not today, I'm really sore." or "I can't believe how much I hurt today." or "No, I can't do that, my pain is too much." "Can you open that? My hands hurt too much." I was so tired from pushing through life and student teaching that I didn't see this coming. I didn't hear my own words describing my pain. Last week I realized it. I saw that I've been pushing through pain and that I've crashed. I'm having way too many bad "hurting days" as my kids and I call them.

Managing pain is when I take the steps necessary to keep pain in check while still living a healthy life. Managing pain means taking care of me. It means working out and keeping up with periodic doctor appointments. It means less appointments and less time with the heating pad because I'm not pushing through pain to the point of crashing. By managing I work through the pain instead of pushing through it.

So today I went back to the pain doctor and had injections. The injections are called Prolotherapy. By injecting the tissue with what is basically sugar water, the body reacts with inflamation and floods the area with nutrients to promote healing. The theory is that y0u irritate the tissue to kick off the body's natural healing ability. My pain centers around trigger points in my neck, shoulders, chest, and upper back. My hands and arms are affected as well. So I had injections today followed by acupuncture. My doctor and I discussed my chronic myofascial pain that is both active and latent. I have reverted to range of motion restriction and now have muscle weakness as well. He will help me treat the pain so I can get healthy again.

I never believed in acupuncture. I looked at it as voodoo magic until my doctor (who is a doctor of physical medicine and physical rehabilitation / pain management specialist) referred me to one of his partners. I was doing the stretching, exercised and did weight training -- but I was still in a lot of pain. He convinced me to see his partner who convinced the nonbeliever to give it a try. It worked. I was shocked.

My pain has been manageable for the last few years. I have not needed acupuncture in a while. I'm relived I went back. I have typed all of this post in one sitting. This is huge for me. I am going back to managing my pain instead of pushing through it. I know weight loss will be part of it; exercise will be part of it too. Acupuncture and prolotherapy are a good start to get the pain under control enough so I can function and start to exercise again. It is a good feeling to know that I'm taking the steps to get my life back under control. Seeing the doctor today was a big step. I'm relieved to be getting back on track. I want a full life. I'm sick of unmanageable pain.

This is the year I turn 40. I want to get there in control of my life. I want to hit 40 with control of my pain, weight, and attitude. I want to be a great mom for my kids. I must take better care of myself to pull this off. I need to take more time for me. I'm glad I've only got 2 classes this semester. I must exercise as I push for the finish line. I think I can, I think I can! I've been eating more salads and have seen the doctor. Tonight I am vowing to start walking again. Soon I will start weight lifting to strengthen my pathetic muscles. I miss feeling good from working out. I will have to find a way to budget and get the gym back in my life.... I don't do nearly so well on my own.

Anyway.... good health begins again TODAY! Say a prayer for me!