Dementia

Dementia seems like a scary but not crazy diagnosis.  Vascular Dementia is different from Alzheimer's Disease.  Pick your poison, they both devastate your world.  The sad thing for my dad is that he knows he is losing his mind (cognitive function if you want to be precise).

In just one year Dad has gone from living in the family home and driving to living in an "independent living" facility and suffering from debilitating bouts of confusion.  He went from managing his entire world to needing help with everything from money management to daily medication.  Twice in the last week he double dosed himself on his medications. Hence we now will have the facility manage his medication  for him daily-- even though my brother called him daily to tell him what day of the week it was and which allocation of pills he needed from the pre-sorted pill box (that was sorted by the day of the week once a day dosage).

Getting old is not for sissies; if you have pride, leave it at the door -- it will be stripped from you.

Selling the family home in September was painful.  Dealing with depression afterward was heartbreaking.  How did he decline so quickly?  He was driving one year ago and yet last week he could not find his apartment without assistance.  He can't dial the phone and is saved by speed dials which are preprogrammed.  He can't remember his words and asks for Frito Scoops when he wants Chex Mix.  He can still joke and remind me that his boxers have the same stripes as his shirts -- "please don't take my boxers to the cleaners!" he reminds me :)  I have learned to that "My computer isn't working!" means that his TV is not working.  He has called me on the phone to let me know his phone does not work.

I think of it as the brain becoming swiss cheese.  Some parts are there and solid and some parts are GONE.

I miss my strong father.  I embrace the parts of him that are left and that I still recognize.  I feel sorrow that he suffers as he KNOWS he is losing it and is embarrassed beyond reassurance that he can not make it through the grocery checkout without delaying the line.  This haunts him despite the fact that everyone in line behind him finds him engaging, adorable, and a pleasure.  He apologizes beyond reason and fellow grocery shoppers smile and have nothing but patience for this kind old man who needs a little extra time and might need help with his words.  Palsy is obvious and nobody shames him for the extra time it takes to deal with that pesky billfold.

May I have the grace necessary to help him on this journey.  He is the BEST dad.... I wish he did not have to feel shame about the parts of the brain that are gone.  He used to be super active, very engaged, and the life of the party.  Now the world gets smaller for him and the bigger world misses out on a light as it starts to dim....

I know my mom went ahead to make a place for him.  It is my sincere hope that his suffering is minimized as he awaits the blessed reunion with the love of his life.  Mom left us 9 years ago.  It feels like a moment ago and a million years ago.  I want to keep dad with me, but I realize this is selfish.  His job is done.

His bride awaits.  He is ready for his father to welcome him home.  May God have mercy on my father and his soul.  May perpetual light shine upon him that I may not be selfish and hold him to this world while eternal life and the grand reunion await him.  May I remember that this reunion is what he deserves and that needing my dad is secondary to my dad's needs.

Not ready for this...

Watching my father age is scary. I remember his mother besieged by dementia when she was just a few years older than he is now. I remember reality slipping away from her. I see that he is not as sharp as he used to be.... I see him struggle with macular degeneration. How horrible it would be to not be able to read any longer.

I see him struggle with comprehension of what he reads and with memory.... I hate watching the aging process. I hate watching these changes as they signify a time when he will no longer be independent. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this... Please stop. I'm not ready.

July

Happiness is making dinner for the family and having the time to eat together. Happiness is also a snugly puppy! It has been so hectic this past year (you can tell by the lack of time spent blogging!).

I am happy to report that life is good. Hubby is narrowing down his 2nd career choices again so this makes me happy. I want him to love his job and not just tolerate it. He will be taking a class this fall -- YAY! Wonder boy is in a happy place as is Super Girl -- they are loving lazy summer days.... wish they were more motivated but we will get there (I hope!).

The pugs are happy and healthy and I picked up another rescue pup -- perhaps she is a fox terrier? Not sure. She is tiny, cute, and sweet!

My best friend's divorce and property settlement are finally final!

I'm working for the family business in the summer to make ends meet (another blessing!).

Dad is much healthier - what a blessing that we still have him! We have come so far from last year (pretend I linked it, I'm in a lazy mood and so I hope you forgive me). The nieces and nephews are doing well.

Things are really crazy hectic between family, 2 jobs, etc. etc. etc..... but I like a hectic life.

September will be the next mammogram. I had another sleep study and needed cpap adjustments so I'm hoping to sleep better soon! I swear it has been a festival of doctor visits (don't put them off, it sucks when they pile up). I had a good ultrasound and now get to have a D&C due to crazy periods. Lets just say nobody needs 2 weeks of this kind of joy. It's a bitch getting old :-)

The blood pressure is still too high so I'm having to be a low salt person now. 2200 mg per day? Really? Pain is bad, I think losing weight would help... so I'm eating salad again. Need to lose weight to help pain and blood pressure. My doctor scolded me to work the plan... I know what to do and just need to do it. It stinks when you know what you should do and just struggle to DO IT. I wish I didn't love food.

My goals for the rest of the summer are: vacation time with the kids (a week and a long weekend), declutter the house, lesson plan September and November, get that D&C, get new glasses, clean out closets, housebreak the puppy, read a book for pleasure, paint a picture (I don't paint :), do some professional development for school, read ahead for the class I'm taking this fall, get together with friends.

Why is the summer passing so fast???

Our Mothers, Education

Meryl Streep has my respect. I love how she accepted her award and shared what her mother would have said to her. I can't imagine putting on a party dress and pretending that an award show is important when all you can think about is the suffering in Haiti. I'm so glad that there is a strong faith present in the people of Haiti. I can't imagine going through such suffering without the gift of faith.

I often channel what my mom would say to me in various situations. She had an unwavering faith and quiet charisma. I am never alone because she is always with me -- when I stop and think I know what advice she would give. It is nice when you hit the age when you KNOW what you have to do. You know what is right and you no longer hesitate to do it. I wonder sometimes how it is that she has already been gone for 5 years; and yet her words are still fresh in my mind.

Our mothers stay with us. Today we put away my dad's holiday decorations. There was so much less work to do because he is coming into his own again. He does not realize how much better he is now. Not just in recovering from grave illness, no -- he is recovering from horrible grief. He has come so far. We all have. Time heals us in so many ways; yet we still have a hole that can not be filled.

On another front..... Teaching is amazing. My mind never stops. I am quite tired. I get it now. 35 students per class is a lot when it takes 15 minutes per paper to get the grading done. Could someone please give me more hours in the day? The hard part of teaching is keeping up on the grading. Also, if California can resist cutting education why can't my state? Why is it that people in my state resent what teachers get paid? Seriously? Why would you degrade the people you trust with your children every day? I have more education that most doctors and yet I don't deserve my silly $39,0000? Really? I value my kids and want quality teachers. I wish I was in charge and could fix education sometimes... then I wake up and am glad I can make a difference for my 35 per class. Who the heck cares if their parents do not appreciate me. My students know I'm here to help them.

Lately.....

Updates: (sorry no time for back story link goodness)

- Sister's hubby - still controlling and antisocial, no abuse. Watching and waiting.
- BFF: Divorce FINAL. Ex is still holding her belongings hostage. She is broke and therefore can't afford to file the motions that would hold him accountable.
- Still LOVE teaching!
- Dad's health is good! Latest PSA results good, radiation is done.
- Hubby still all about TKD.
- Still need to lose weight.
- Sleep still an issue for Wonder Boy and I.....
- Super girl - may have blood sugar issues. MIL loaned us testing equipment to check her sugar.. the hypochondriac monster has now been fed.
- English teachers grade their lives away. Why didn't I chose Phys. Ed?


Life is good -- living the dream!!!! Hope you are too!!!

Happy

Do I sound crazy when I say I'm afraid to admit that I'm happy? It always seems like life kicks you in the face when you stop to savor the moment....

I love teaching! I'm so tired. Being a first year teacher is so much more tiring than I realized, but it is such a great tired feeling! Everything will be so much easier year 2! Tweaking is so much easier than creating. Being through it all once will help me so much when I'm doing everything this second time! I love my students. I am tired.

Dad is done with radiation. It was pesky, but there are good meds out there for prostate radiation side effects. Thank goodness for good medicine!

The kids are doing well and I'm thankful. How wonderful that they are stepping to the plate when needed! I am so grateful. Life IS good. I am counting my blessings!!!!

Our greyhound had to be put down.... it was hard. I'm not going to talk about it other than to say that big silly hound will be horribly missed. How nice it was to have such a great presence in our home!

Teaching Rocks

For me, teaching is all about relationships. I teach high school, but I almost don't care what I teach. If I can connect with a student I can help them as a learner. It is so cool to have a job where I am able to make a difference. I realize these kids are GREAT. I realize they have a lot to contribute to this world. How cool is it that I have a job where I can encourage others to grow and make a difference? I consider this the most wonderful part of the job.

Updates:
- Hubby is taking a class this semester - yay!
- Dad is doing okay with radiation for the prostate cancer. He has good and bad days. Cancer is like that.
- Wonder boy is continuing to have issues with sleep, we are working on it.
- Super Girl is still challenging me as a parent in terms of her achieving to her abilities in school. How typical is that?
- I'm a first year teacher so I'm taking a break from my master's program. Can I just say that next year will be SOOOOO much easier when I'm not going through everything for the very first time?
- Why is it acceptable for tees to grind on each other at high school dances? Do we not have standards?

Teaching is amazing... you learn SO much!!

Teaching

I'm neglecting my blog because I'm focused on the children. My own and my STUDENTS! Thanks for celebrating my accomplishment of securing a teaching gig! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my students. High schoolers rock! It is wonderful to be in the classroom and to share moments with my students. I love watching their eyes light up and hearing their thoughts. All of my energy is focused on the kids right now (that and getting in all of my required hours of professional development). I never know I could learn so many names so fast. I need to ensure I get enough sleep and eat lunch so that my brain works and I can REMEMBER the names I knew just last week! Interesting how sometimes it is so easy and other times so hard!!!!

I'm lucky my students are patient with me. Class sizes are around 35 -- multiply that by each hour of the day and you have a TON of names to learn.

Year one is all about hunting and gathering what you need to teach. Who know this was the challenge. Luckily classroom management is only an issue 5th hour. The rest of my hours are relatively under control. 5th hour is like wrestling a greased pig. I'm not certain I'm always winning over their minds... but I'm making progress on their hearts!

Dad is starting radiation for the prostate cancer. So far so good.

Hubby is supportive during this transition. He rocks.

More soon! Yay teaching!

New learning is a blast -- why does it make me so tired!!???

Stuff

I feel guilty that I have not posted on Dad's recovery from C-diff and all that other stuff. He claims that he is at 90% now -- that is awesome considering the surgical recovery was supposed to be 6 months. Yay Dad! He isn't supposed to be 100% until at least November. That is not even taking into consideration all of his complications which were more than extensive.

It is interview season and I'm hoping to get the call for a teaching gig -- please say a prayer for me. I don't want to admit that I'm obsessing on my portfolio..... but I am. There are a few openings and hundreds of applicants. I would love to work as a teacher. I miss teaching. It would be awesome to spend my days with amazing kids (all kids are amazing... so much potential!).

My kids are good. Super Girl and Wonder Boy are true partners in crime.... they have challenged my will and parenting skills as of late. Can you say Bonnie and Clyde?

My friend's never ending divorce has yet to end..... 2 years and counting. Stalker ex hubby.... ick. I fear for her.

No time to blog lately, but I'm trying to jump back in. I find that blogging is a great way to remember what the heck happened during that crazy year..... I read a few old posts recently and realized that writing about the now preserves it for me.. I simply don't remember the details... too much going on for detailed memory. It is a gift to look back at old posts (especially "Waking Up") because these posts bring back important memories that I need to hold close so that I appreciate the gift of right now. It has been a rough patch for chronic pain...... ready for it to improve.

"Live in the now!" is the best advice I've ever been given. How about you? What is the best advice you have received?

Already July?

The pain has been terrible lately. It is amazing how much you deny and for how long, but in the end you pay when you don't do that which you know you must do to take care of yourself.

I have overdone it for too long and the crash hit me. I'm struggling mightily at the moment, but I am pretty grateful that I've hit a point where I can enjoy the down time provided when the crash hits.

Now to work my way out of the ditch. Time to eat right, exercise, slow down, exercise (again), relax, self limit and restore. I'm going on vacation next week. It is much needed. I can't wait to curl up with another good book. Something about this Twilight series makes it a page turner. It is nice to read something that isn't super graphic.... I like to read books before I see the story in a movie because I feel like my imagination is hindered by the director's vision. When I read the book after the movie I compare the text to the film and my imagination is limited to the physicality of the actors or special effects. My imagination is better than what can be captured on film. Is it just me?

Updates:
-Dad is doing well, still weak but improving.
- Wonder Boy and Super Girl are having a wonderful summer. I need to work on math review more.... perhaps this week?
- Hubby is looking at classes for this fall! YAY!
- Grad school is kicking my ass. I'm taking the stopper class in my program. I understand why people stop but I will make it.
- LOTS of computer issues -- hard to handle thermal events... glad for back ups.
- My very best friend is close to finishing divorce arbitration. I think I need to get busy writing the book for her... the madness astounds me.
- Dad is opting toward radiation vs. surgery for that pesky prostate cancer. A better option in light of his recent surgical nightmares.
- Still not comprehending what the hold up is with my brother getting driving again... ready for him to be able to take some of the workload off of me.
- Interesting that memory is coming back lately... I still have major gaps due to my stroke in 2002, but it is interesting to start to have some of my learning abilities return now that I'm more challenged by this graduate program.

I really enjoyed my nieces and nephews recently. Can I just say that I'm jealous of the stay at home mom club? I know you work your butts off... but I'm jealous of your job!! the 10+ year gap between my kids and this flock of babies makes me feel like a grandparent.... it is wonderful to enjoy the babies of others.

This N That.

Update: My dad is doing much better now. He conquered C-diff and is on the mend from the aortal aneurysm surgery. What a surgery, what a recovery! Thanks for the prayers.

My inlaws have gotten out from under their big fat hairy mortgage by selling the house they built. They have purchased and are slightly renovating a more reasonable home. If only they had stayed in their original home. That mortgage had almost been paid off.... the upside is that they were able to get enough from the one home to buy this other house (a foreclosure, amazing how much property you can get these days). They have a huge yard that I would plant a monster garden in... that's just me though. I'm all about planting vs. buying! Call me cheap....

The kids are FINALLY out of school. I'm loving having nightly bonfires in the fire pit. What a great thing.

School is kicking my butt.... apparently I'm taking the stopper class of the program. Ugh. Must make it through.... must stop being an academic perfectionist.

Work is hectic, my pain is pretty bad (hence the lag in posts). But, I'm happy. I'm grateful my dad is better and that I've got great kids. But why is it that Super Girl likes to wear her sweat shirt hoods so that she looks like the Unibomber? I have made a no unibomber in the house rule.

I just wish Hubby could pick his career goal.... he is working a job, not a career. He knows he needs to go back to school but is paralyzed by the daunting task at hand. I get it, but time to move on!!

There is nothing better than a swing in the summer time.....

This and that....

Is the above poison ivy? I don't know, but I've already had several severe "contact dermatitis" situations this year and I'm not happy about it. I'm sorry, but I don't like to scratch until I bleed.....
We are on a Topsy Turvy ROLL! 6 tomatoe plants have been planted and now he is planting cucumbers..... We shall feast shall we not?
Spring came and it was beautiful.....
Travel brought me and some new friends to appreciate sunsets on the shore. It is nice to have a perk like this to go along with work travel.

How is time flying so very quickly?

Good news: my dad is much better. He is on the slow road to recovery. I am grateful at how lucky and blessed we are to still have him. Thanks for the prayers!

Super Girl seems bound and determined to spend time at summer school this year. Not the choice I thought she'd make, but if she is determined then it will be her destiny.

My pain is pretty bad... travel is kicking my butt and weather change is always a challenge. My how graduate school is challenging as well! Yep, crazy hectic times around here... does this ever change?
It is in the small quiet moments when you see the sunset on the blooms that you know the frantic pace does not matter... right now matters. I hope all is well with you right now. When I stop and take a deep breath I am grateful for the mercy of this moment right now.....

Healing

My dad really has turned the corner! I'm so glad that he can stay home alone now.

Between you and I, I will admit it. It is amazing how hard it is to be a caregiver on top of my normal crazy life. Surviving this, my kids, my work, starting grad school.... it has been a LOT to digest and survive.

It also is funny how you see people for who they are when they are given the opportunity to rise to the challenge. I have more respect that ever for my older brother. I have less respect that ever before for my brother inlaw (who was not supportive to my sister -- hello.... he expected her to have his dinner ready when he got home during this madness? What about taking something off her plate for once?).

I am relieved tonight that my kids are at sleepovers tonight.

I have an evening with responsibility to nobody... I don't even know how to relax anymore.

May a good night's rest be healing to both body and mind.... stress and worry sure do take a toll. I'm grateful that we made it through this storm... it was a hell of a ride.

Off to snuggle with my new baby (okay she is 5) girl pug. What fun.

C-Diff has staying power

WARNING -- C-diff is nasty, don't read further if you are faint of heart.... links carry this warning as well.

What I am finding through this c-diff drama following my Dad's surgery (and unfortunate complications) is that I know more than the doctors. Hello? Do they not research? I've done more reading of the CDC bulletins that my dad's primary care physician and she specializes in geriatric care. It is a good thing I do research and make suggestions! What the heck?

My dad has lost 40 pounds in the last month. He is down to about 5-7 episodes of diarrhea a day vs. the 15-20. He is on his second round of antibiotics. He is eating more finally. He has horrible cramps and is tired and miserable. I know progress is measured week by week, but watching him suffer for such a length of time is difficult. Staying over his house to watch over him is a blessing as we have become closer than ever. I appreciate the gift that he is in my life. I love his fight and humor. I hate watching him suffer like this. He makes surgical recovery look easy but c-diff recovery sometimes feels impossible. It has been 3 weeks. The nurse (who comes to the house) says it will likely be 3 more.... perhaps there is a light at the end of this tunnel?

I'm worn down and tired. Starting grad school, juggling Dad's health care, working, having my own family, dealing with siblings (who are being great for the most part!).... it is all going well, but it is very draining. I'm grateful though -- it IS all going well.

On a brighter note, my sister and I have had HILARIOUS conversations since Pamela's comment on the Grey's Anatomy treatment for c-diff (fecal transplant). We have decided to nominate the older brother to be the donor if it comes to this -- his wife is a great cook and he has the best diet. We giggle endlessly at this option. Not too mature, I admit it. But if you can't laugh where are you in life? We are not right... I know. Should push come to shove, I will let my sister suggest it and my brother donate to the cause...

Dad is making progress. I know he is getting better since he was my knight in shining armour who slayed the evil bee (or wasp?) that threatened me this morning. I'm allergic so I always shudder loudly when I see a bee or wasp.... he got up, grabbed a magazine, and smashed the bugger. My hero! I am always afraid to take them on knowing that I don't carry an epi pen. He must be getting better if he can muster the energy to save me! Thanks for the prayers!

We have a new addition to our household! More soon!

c-diff

Live and learn. I had thought my dad's surgery was the big hurdle to leap. Silly me! The hurdle is this crazy illness called "C-diff." Who knew you could be recovering from an insanely major AAA surgery (with more than a few complications) just to learn that the real challenge is diarrhea. Again, silly me! Live and learn.

Dad is home and we are caring for him there. It is interesting trying to organize your siblings when you are the 3rd born of 4. Whatever.... I will try not to take this personally. You can try to make a chart for people to sign up for times, but you can't make them organize their lives. I do my best, but there comes a time when I only have so much left. I know this too shall pass so I'm trying really hard not to go off on anyone. It is hard when your siblings don't get it that you too are sacrificing but that you won't make it look that way in front of dad. Hello, he does not need more to worry about! Our job is to make this look easy to him! DUH!

Should be an interesting conversation tomorrow with one particular sibling. I need to be calm when I advise this person that is is our JOB to make this look easy to dad. DUH! Wish me luck!

WOW!

It has been way too long since I have blogged! What a time it has been. My last post gave a summary of the issues and complications my dad faced with his recent hospitalization with an AAA. I am thrilled to report he is back on track and AT HOME!

My siblings and I are there 24/7 and it is very tiring. I'm the only one without a baby or toddler, so I've done more overnights. You can't exactly sleep with a cpap machine and be able to hear the monitor go off, so... I've been napping on my overnights without decent sleep. Hence sleep deprivation, hence inability to post. Just can't focus to put words together.

Anyway, back to my dad... he is tired, lacks appetite, has c-diff, and hurts. According to the vascular surgeon this means that other than the c-diff he is right on track! Yay dad!

I'm somewhat ruined from 3 weeks of lack of sleep. My mom passed on Holy Saturday so Holy Week is always hard for me to get through. Other than that.... life is good! We are blessed Dad survived. We are blessed he is home. I have grown to appreciate and adore him throughout his valiant recovery. He is amazing! I'm glad to have gotten so much closer with him during this time. He is a gift to us and I admire his bullet dodging abilities!

Hope life is treating you well. Comment and tell me what is new.. I've been WAY out of touch! I have tomorrow off work and caregiving... just need to catch up on school and I can rest. Yay rest!

Waking up!

Dad woke up today! He is on the slow road to recovery here on day 8 in the surgical intensive care unit. Today he is FINALLY off the ventilator.

Sorry for not posting updates since Monday (thanks for the gentle reminder Pamela -- your comment in my email provoked this post and I am glad as I will not remember the details a week from now). I've been living at the ICU. Dad has been busy. For those tuning in late, had a scheduled surgical repair (open repair no less) of an abdominal arotic aneurysm. Complications we have experience this week included:

• Impaired kidney function (very slow to return but returning none the less!),
  
• Pneumonia, not severe (what do you expect after a week on a ventilator?),
  
• Heart arrhythmia (that stunk, it is really hard to watch a sleeping person having a heart rate of 140+ bests per minute, because it was AFib they could shock him to get the rhythm back, it eventually worked -- I don't remember how many times he got shocked, I left the room though and watched the heart rate on the monitor)
• Antibiotic induced C-Diff (avoid this if you can, it is nasty but curable)
• Some need for insulin due to sugar issues (typical after major surgery)
• Blood transfusions have been needed, but only 2 I think -- pretty cool that they can recycle your own blood lost during surgery, he bot 2 bonus units on top of this but that's okay.
• A minor MI (who knows when that happened between the surgery, a-fib, shocks, and recovery he slipped a minor heart attack in there somewhere. No major damage apparently).
  

Here is what I can say. ICU nurses and doctors are AMAZING. I appreciate them beyond words. These people work miracles on a daily basis. They like cookies too -- I'm not above bribery!

Lights in the darkness:
- Dad recognized me today.
- Dad told me he loved me too.
- Dad wanted a diet pepsi but settled for the ice chips offered without complaint.
- My older brother and I have become closer through this challenge.
- I'm blessed with a Hubby who supports me so I can be with my dad
- I have had 3 separate meals provided by friends this week -- this is a simple mercy that brings comfort and joy to a tired mom!
- My faith is stronger through the struggles as prayer brings me the comfort and strength I need.

It has been a crazy rough week. Comments and encouragement have given me needed strength. Thank you for the good thoughts and prayers!!!! I am blessed and grateful. Dad is slowly coming back... every day going forward is a bonus. I have also advised everyone close to me that if I EVER have this major of a surgery that I would like HEAVY sedation! I will be sure to tell my dad after all of this that it was I who looked out for his comfort! ;-)

Monday

I am grateful that we have made it this far. Dad has suffered several major complications with his surgery and so we have basically been living at the hospital. He doesn't know we are there, but I think it helps anyway. I am very tired. Sitting on a basic folding chair and worrying really takes it out of you! I try not to worry, but when you have already suffered the loss of a parent it is hard not to fear even more the the other. Then I feel selfish wanting him to stay when I think of how nice it will be for him to reunite with my mom on the other side. I see how lonely he is without her. His life is full with friends and grandchildren, but the is nothing or nobody who can replace my mom for him (or us!).

He went into this a fighter so I'm not second guessing him. I am just trying to prepare myself a little since it has been terribly dicey these last few days. It will be a very long road to recovery for him. He might be conscious tomorrow. Hopefully he will be comfortable. It is so hard to see him suffer like this. It is easier when he is sedated and sleeping through the worst of it. I never like to wish my life away, but I sure will be happy for him when he is suffering less with a few more weeks of recovering under his belt.

More later.... to tired to write more now.

Dad's Surgery

It has been quite the week. Dad had his big fat surgery for the abdominal aortic aneurysm (also known as the AAA!). Feel free to click on the link and see the extent of the issue... Dad is a 2 time winner at this having been a survivor of a ruptured AAA a few years back. Due to the emergency nature of the surgery they could not do the full graft, hence the return of the dreaded AAA. Dad has hit a few of the road bumps for this procedure and remains heavily sedated in the ICU. He is in good hands. Please keep him in your prayers nonetheless!

We had a more muted St. Patrick's Day.... but the leprechauns still were able to pull off green toilet water and green milk! Traditions rock! It makes me smile to think of my kids and what they will do with their kids someday!!! I must remind my siblings to add magic to St. Patrick's day with the green toilet water. Nothing says classy like a tradition that includes toilet water!

I know, I'm not right.....

Today...

Today I am glad. My dad and I went for his pre operative visit at the hospital. He continues to allow me the privilege of being his medical advocate. As we go through this experience together I know it draws us closer. He sees who I am now. I see who he is, and admire him all the more.

We joke as we drive to the appointment. We talk about nothing and I chatter on about the mundane. The elephant in the room is fear... fear that SuperMan may not make it through this next battle. The nurse practitioner takes his medical history and he and I joke -- we don't tend to do the whole "scheduled operation" thing. We tend to get hospitalized in a crisis. We both giggle at how much more relaxed a scheduled surgery is... one more thing to cross of the checklist of things to do this week... But really we know. It is not just one more thing. We are both scared.

I pledge to be his personal assistant. We talk about what day is garbage day and what mail he would like me to bring to him in the hospital. He and I discuss the list of who I'll call with the medical recap when he is out of surgery. We kind of have a phone chain still from when my mother battled cancer. We plan to reactivate the chain to save time (and emotional wear and tear on me).

We joke with the nurse practitioner about what pain medications we think are good -- Dad and I both like morphine for pain and she says they have even better stuff now. GOOD! Dad does not need to suffer!

The hard part is when he tells me where stuff is "just in case." I will take in his daily mail and his coming home bag is in the kitchen. He makes me promise not to freak out, but tells me the appropriate suite will be hanging in his room -- just in case. Funny how you think of these things when you have experienced loss. I can't blame him, I would have picked out a suit too were I in his shoes. Just then a delivery truck almost runs a light and hits us. I was in the death seat so I joked about how I would prefer to be buried in a turtle neck. "I like turtle necks."

He laughs. I smile and then tell him I understand about the suit, I had the same thoughts when I had my minor heart surgery a few years back. He is relieved that I get it. I am sad that he knows what would be hard for us, and is planning even now how he can make it easier. It is great, do not get me wrong, that he plans. It is just sad that he knows. The elephant in the room is my mom... it will be 4 years this month.

As I exit his car he thanks me for going on these appointments with him. He likes to have the 2nd set of ears. I thank him for tolerating me... I can be obsessive on health stuff. I am grateful he is my dad and that he allows me the privilege of being there for him now. I am grateful that I'm the only child in our family without an infant or toddler... it only makes sense that I step into the caregiver role. Little do they (my siblings) know that it brings me SUCH comfort to have this time with just me and Dad. It is a gift to me. I ask for your continued prayers... I would love to keep SuperMan here longer... there are so many of us yet he can save!