I love teaching!

I love my students. My worst day teaching is so much better than my good days in the corporate world! It is so awesome being there for my students and getting to know them. I love watching them grow! WOW have they evolved since last September! Thankfully, so has their writing!

I'm busier than ever but quite happy! I look forward to next year -- I've learned so much that will hopefully make next year easier for me. I have to admit -- teachers work really hard (especially ENGLISH teachers!).

The hard part is striking a balance between work and home life.... such is the gripe of every working mom :-)

Relief

The lump is benign.

I am relieved.

I still had an abnormal mammogram and will have to go back for testing in 6 months. This is fine.

I am grateful.

Wow am I tired.

I wish my pain was a little better right now but I'm very grateful -- I love teaching!

Still Waiting / Mean Parents

Biopsy #1 is benign! (More biopsies and testing to come, I will keep you posted).

I am waiting on the 2nd opinion.... but, that will be awhile due to me catching the flu again and not being able to get in to the doctor. Oh how I love days that I'm not sick. I can not imagine what it would be like to NOT be sick for a full weak. First year teachers catch it all. This too shall pass. I love my students and my job. Major props to the English teachers of the world. They do indeed earn their keep.

Parents -- have some mercy already. Just because you don't like your child's grade does not mean it is MY fault he or she failed to follow instructions. Cut me some slack when demanding a meeting (on my time) and try to have a tone that is not so darn condescending. It is awesome that you make double my salary; thanks for sharing. I used to make much too, but I decided to stop selling my soul. It does not make you better than me. I've fired people like you, thankyouverymuch.

Throwing your weight around only makes you look like an asshole. Thank goodness I take the time to THINK before firing off emails to my kid's teachers. Hello asshole, could you pay attention all semester long vs. contacting me after grades are posted for the ENTIRE semester? Congrats "Father of the Year," great job being involved. Glad you could be there AFTER the fact.

Oh, and mentioning your business trip to Japan... guess what? I'm not impressed.

I'm glad your kid is a wonderful person. Thank goodness for gene mutations..... she / he does not take after you -- asshole.

Sorry, but I DO feel better now! I'm such a jerk. ;-)

Teaching

I'm neglecting my blog because I'm focused on the children. My own and my STUDENTS! Thanks for celebrating my accomplishment of securing a teaching gig! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my students. High schoolers rock! It is wonderful to be in the classroom and to share moments with my students. I love watching their eyes light up and hearing their thoughts. All of my energy is focused on the kids right now (that and getting in all of my required hours of professional development). I never know I could learn so many names so fast. I need to ensure I get enough sleep and eat lunch so that my brain works and I can REMEMBER the names I knew just last week! Interesting how sometimes it is so easy and other times so hard!!!!

I'm lucky my students are patient with me. Class sizes are around 35 -- multiply that by each hour of the day and you have a TON of names to learn.

Year one is all about hunting and gathering what you need to teach. Who know this was the challenge. Luckily classroom management is only an issue 5th hour. The rest of my hours are relatively under control. 5th hour is like wrestling a greased pig. I'm not certain I'm always winning over their minds... but I'm making progress on their hearts!

Dad is starting radiation for the prostate cancer. So far so good.

Hubby is supportive during this transition. He rocks.

More soon! Yay teaching!

New learning is a blast -- why does it make me so tired!!???

WOW!

It has been way too long since I have blogged! What a time it has been. My last post gave a summary of the issues and complications my dad faced with his recent hospitalization with an AAA. I am thrilled to report he is back on track and AT HOME!

My siblings and I are there 24/7 and it is very tiring. I'm the only one without a baby or toddler, so I've done more overnights. You can't exactly sleep with a cpap machine and be able to hear the monitor go off, so... I've been napping on my overnights without decent sleep. Hence sleep deprivation, hence inability to post. Just can't focus to put words together.

Anyway, back to my dad... he is tired, lacks appetite, has c-diff, and hurts. According to the vascular surgeon this means that other than the c-diff he is right on track! Yay dad!

I'm somewhat ruined from 3 weeks of lack of sleep. My mom passed on Holy Saturday so Holy Week is always hard for me to get through. Other than that.... life is good! We are blessed Dad survived. We are blessed he is home. I have grown to appreciate and adore him throughout his valiant recovery. He is amazing! I'm glad to have gotten so much closer with him during this time. He is a gift to us and I admire his bullet dodging abilities!

Hope life is treating you well. Comment and tell me what is new.. I've been WAY out of touch! I have tomorrow off work and caregiving... just need to catch up on school and I can rest. Yay rest!

Zombies Attack

Okay, my brain is about to explode.

I have been out of town for JUST 2 days on business.... came back relaxed... and then all hell broke loose.

Hubby forgot to give Wonder Boy his meds yesterday... "Oops I forgot." Hello???? I jump through hoops to get the form filled out and medicine given to our son at school. I'm killing myself to get all the teachers to give us feedback on what they are seeing with how our son is responding to the medication. We have to monitor him closely in case adjustments are needed, and Hubby FORGETS to give it to him in the morning? He also forgot to fix the printer so Wonder Boy's homework wasn't printed for school yesterday off the computer... did hubby write the teacher a note or email it since he could not print it? NO. So now Wonder Boy has got a zero when he has been working so hard to bring his grade back up in Language Arts. This on top of the zero earlier this week when he forgot his homework at home --- 100% done, just forgot it. ZERO points out of 50.

Then I get the email from his teacher who thinks he doesn't care... so I talk to Wonder Boy and he is in tears because Dad didn't print it and he didn't know what to do. DAMMIT. My husband is sleep deprived too.... went for his sleep study last week. We are waiting for results and treatment plan. So, the pair of ZOMBIES are making me NUTS. Now I have so much anxiety from trying to keep both of them organized that I CAN NOT SLEEP!

I'd be more sympathetic with my husband if I hadn't already been down this road myself and SUCKED IT UP myself. I functioned when I was dead tired, it is what women do. I was waking hundreds of times and night and yet I STILL got the minimum done (my house was a mess, but things still got done). Sense of urgency people.... get one!!!!

So because Hubby doesn't print the damn homework Wonder Boy gives up (dad fell asleep on the couch and was basically non-responsive) and goes to bed (after calling me and me sending him to bed over the phone). Did he ever tell me about the printing problem? No. UGH!

Then Super Girl (12) communicates by screaming at people all evening yesterday. It is like she has PMS 24/7. She flies off the handle over NOTHING and EVERYTHING. Perhaps she doesn't like Wonder Boy getting attention? How old is she, like 2? I sent her to the damn corner.

My new rule for her is that if she is angry she must whisper -- her yelling makes me NUTS. So I yelled at her until she whispered back -- because I'm so effective that way. It is amazing how the little screamer didn't like being screamed at. Oh, get the point now do you? Yep, she suddenly got the picture on what it is like to be YELLED AT. WTF??? If she yells today I may have to shoot myself. Now I know what my mom meant when she told me I "Pushed her rage button." UGH!

Do you think my husband went and got me a bottle of wine or perhaps chocolate to make up for the nightmare I walked into yesterday? You know, the nightmare he had a big hand in creating since he didn't STEP UP while I was out of town for just 2 days? Do you think he could try and do SOMETHING to make up for taking the train off the track and not monitoring and handling the paperwork, medication, printing?

Does my husband do ANYTHING to try and make up for the shit storm that happened between 5 and 9pm?? Heck no, he is napping on the couch. I considered putting a pillow over his face. Then I remembered that I do think he is suffering from sleep apnea and lack of sleep too (it runs in his family big time). Two more weeks until he sees the specialist for the results of the sleep study -- may they form a decent treatment plan.

Living with zombies SUCKS. I fear I am becoming one of them....

Okay, I feel better now. Sometimes you just have to vent on your blog.

Amazing the google images you find when you look for zombies...

Pediatric Sleep Apnea & More

Okay, it is beyond pediatric sleep apnea now. Wonder Boy (his sidewalk chalk work in the photo above) has been on the CPAP machine (and compliant) for the better part of 2 months... We have been struggling with the sleep issue for a while now. He has gone along with us (kicking and screaming) and he is still really tired. The poor kid just drags. Picture Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. He has a heck of a time falling asleep and a HELL of a time getting up in the morning. He drags himself through most days and has become quite the absent minded professor. You would be absent minded too if you were not getting any restful sleep. I was a mess prior to getting diagnosed and treated for sleep apnea... I feel for him.

Unfortunately, Wonder Boy is special. His sleep apnea only kicks in during REM sleep and his body has compensated by reducing the amount of REM sleep he gets. Basically, his body won't let him get into much REM. REM sleep is your most restorative sleep. It is a wonder this kid is doing as well as he is... and this is his worst semester EVER. (I think the sleepiness is not helping with the absent minded professor thing he already had going... he does the work, then forgets to hand it in.)

So today Hubby took Wonder Boy back to the sleep specialist today for a heart to heart. We needed to get to the bottom of this so I made Hubby go. The truth is that I felt really guilty about how long it has taken to get Wonder Boy to use the CPAP, I felt too guilty to face the doctor since I'm the bad mom who missed the last appointment. Yep, I bit the bullet and let Hubby face the sleep specialist, I was too ashamed.

Well, apparently a small percentage of kids like Wonder Boy don't respond to CPAP treatment (you know, that sleep machine that helps you keep breathing). These kids are given Ritalin. RITALIN. Sure, that freaked me out. But, apparently Ritalin helps kids like Wonder Boy because it has an opposite affect than we would expect -- it wakes them up during the day when they need to be awake. He is going on a very small dose (7mg in the AM, 3mg in the afternoon). The hope is that Wonder Boy can function more normally day side, get physical activity going, wear himself out like a normal person, and then sleep better at night. Who knew Ritalin was used to treat narcolepsy? The wonder of the Internet never ceases... I don't think the sleep specialist mentioned NARCOLEPSY to my husband... it is unlikely in my professional medical opinion.. but I will do the next consult and find out if this is the diagnosis....

We start the medicine the day after tomorrow (big testing at school tomorrow, so we thought it better to start on a non-testing day). Please say some prayers for Wonder Boy. He has been less and less active these last 2-3 years... I know the sleep issues are part of it. He will have to change his ways and be more active. I will help him... I hope the medicine does too. Maybe he and I can lose our extra weight together. So pray for him please... that this is the answer. He deserves to feel rested and happy again... he has been such a trooper that it took us a while to figure out the problem. May this be our solution...

And now to change gears...... Here is the drive I took to cheer myself up and forget my worries:



Have I mentioned how much I love the fall?

Crazy Week!

Wonder Boy has talent. I took this shot of his art on our sidewalk -- it was after sundown so the picture does not really do it justice. All I can say is that I might have suggested he pick a famous piece of art to put on the sidewalk. He had written his name quite large with the obligatory "WAS HERE" and I suggested he replicate a famous painting. Who would have thought my sleep deprived wonder would immediately think of "The Scream"? I wish you could see the awesome shading....

Wonder Boy survived his sleep study and got his CPAP machine 2 days later. It is never that quick. Mine took 3 weeks. I'm grateful for a doctor who cares. Sleep apnea in kids is a HUGE big deal. The more I read the more frightening it becomes -- I'm so glad we are treating him now! He is struggling to adjust to sleeping with the mask; please say some prayer for my poor baby. Hopefully he will get more REM sleep soon.

On another note, Hubby has been driving me insane and I finally know why!!!! He took himself off his depression medication. Yes, my dear Hubby thought he would need to be off his depression medication for employment drug tests. HELLO! They are not testing you for doctor prescribed drugs!!! UGH! He has not been himself for a month! NOW I KNOW WHY! I told him his is never to make this kind of decision without me again. Depression makes him stupid on top of mean. We are on day 2 of being back on the medicine. May I have my real husband back soon! How did I figure it out? Well, he was being such an ASS that I had to finally say "Honey, have you been taking your medicine lately?"

Sometimes a simple little question can cut to the heart of an issue. I can't believe I didn't ask the simple little question sooner!!!!!!

I'm working on my resume and teaching applications. Some of the questions are crazy. UGH! I pushed myself to get through school and now I have no energy for the job search! I'm just not in the mood to write essays about my teaching philosophy. I will try to suck it up.... I'm just so very DONE right now. I could use some time where I'm not facing deadlines....

My best friend is still in the midst of the ugly divorce. Emergency psychological evaluations were conducted this week. Her husband IS crazy. I pray for their family. The husband is all about vengeance and money. She just wants to provide normalcy for the kids (that is normalcy without the spousal abuse her husband inflicted). To complicate matters she has fallen in love and is dating another man (as she fights to accomplish her divorce). Sometimes I wish new love could wait until this were settled, it would make things so much less complicated.

Only another month of school for the kids. Hubby and I will have no children in elementary school. Where did time fly? My newest nephew is due this week. My brother and his new wife are about to have the newest baby. May his other children adjust smoothly... I worry for them. How strange it is that my children are growing older as my siblings rock their new babies.

Super Girl had her first boy / girl party this weekend. Only two boys showed up because the rest didn't want to be around a bunch of girls. I asked Super Girl if the 2 boys had the time of their lives or if they were really uncomfortable most of the time. Her answer -- BOTH! Super Girl is wonderful. She is getting an A in math! YAY!

I had to travel for work this week. I was blessed to see the shore but too tired to stick around for a sunset. I know, I too am shocked at my lack of wherewithal. What up with that?

I don't know? What was up with that?

I don't think they are rats with wings.... unless they poop near me.... that is always irritating. Gulls are pretty if you are deaf....
Their shore dance made me pine for a summer breeze...
I still yearn to sleep one night in a lighthouse...
I wonder what travels that contraption from the shore to the light house? It is strange to look at... the signs tell me I'd be electrocuted if I climb or touch... so I didn't act like spider man to check it all out....
And that is what is new here... you can now see why I've been quiet -- real life is crazy ;-)

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UPDATES
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Thanks you all for the encouraging comments!

Updates:
Hubby went back on his medicine during the phone conversation when I discovered he'd gone off. Hopefully they kick in quick. Bless his heart, he definitely needs to consult me on these things! Some of the basics of depression are lost on those who have not previously suffered it.

Wonder Boy chose to draw The Scream because they had studied it in school and he thought it would be easier than the Mona Lisa. He cracks me up. He has decided the Mona Lisa may be next. How cool is it that kids can look up pictures online quickly vs. having to find the motivation to go to the library to look things up. I'm betting his picture would not happen if he'd had to go to the library :-)

Wonder Boy is really struggling with the sleep apnea mask. We will have to try to adjust this week. He was VERY grumpy this morning.

This too shall pass...

Depression / Update

Well, he has an appointment. I'm relieved. Depression is such a difficult thing to layer into an already stressful situation. Hubby has been on depression medication for a few months now. I am pushing for a change (increase perhaps?) because the current regimen is simply not effective. He is on a low level antidepressant. I'm frustrated that he is a few weeks away from meeting with the new doctor (vs. being treated by our primary care physician).

This battle has been fought for over a year now. Getting him in to the doctor this fall didn't change things as quickly as I'd hoped. He is trying, but he doesn't think to say "Hey, do you think you might want to up my dosage while I wait to get into the new doctor?" This isn't even on his radar and he won't call back to ask the question. THAT is what makes me insane. I'm all about attacking the problem.

I've been depressed -- you HAVE to be aggressive in following up and making changes. Hell, I AM depressed and am attacking the problem! You have to control that which you can control. Baby steps. All those cliches are accurate! I am working on changing my attitude. I've been patient for a few years, but once my patience is gone it isn't usually pretty. I've been very angry at the lack of effort and progress in the recent weeks and months. Any baby steps he takes lately are not enough to make me happy. He pointed this out to me and he is right. I've been trying to be more encouraging the last few days instead of being so hurt and angry.

It is a fine line between enabling and encouraging. He needs encouragement and an ass kicking at the same time. I'm tired!! This is hard work! I've gotten his sister to agree to work with him on the resume. It will happen after Christmas and I've decided to be fine with that. I started it but had to step back -- he isn't in a place where he can help me and I'm not in a place where I can do it for him. She has tons of HR experience so she can fill in the fluff to the skeleton I created for him. This too shall pass.

Getting him on a normal shift will make a huge difference. I know how lack of sleep killed me, I'm certain it is impacting him. He is a morning person, overnight work does not agree with him. Thank you for the prayers! We will get through this, it just needs to be soon! I have lived like this for too long.... I love him and he knows it. I wish he believed in himself more. 20 years in construction down the drain is a big blow, but it is time to move on.

Who needs money anyway? I've decided we look good poor. I just don't want to slip into negative equity on our home. So we cling and pray. Maybe he will be gainfully employed soon and things will improve. I hope so!

Depression

He is pulling away... he feels like a failure... I can not reach him... I feel so alone... I know he feels that way too.... how can we be unable to cross this divide? Why can't I reach him? Where has he gone? I wish I could reach him... I am angry but I don't want to be.... He is negative.... this is not him.... I wish he would come back... I miss him so much... I wish he'd do SOMETHING to change things... Why doesn't he see that he has control over his future? I am exhausted but can not sleep. He does nothing but sleep. I asked him to get help... I pray things change soon. I miss him... please come back...

Tired

I am so tired as of late! I have not really felt this way since I got the magic sleep machine for my sleep apnea. It is strange to be back in that mental fog that comes from exhaustion. I think it is a semester of student teaching that has finally caught up with me. I wonder how long this tired feeling will last. Hopefully not too long! I really want to deep clean my house and decorate for the holidays.

I’m back working with my family at the office and I think that is tiring too. The pace is much slower than teaching so the time drags a bit. I feel a bit fenced in and trapped. It is strange to wish my work day was starting at 6:30am vs. 9:00am, but that is what I’m wishing for. It was so nice to be through my work day earlier. I also seemed to have more energy. I will have to work on my self discipline and just get up earlier! I fell asleep during this morning’s conference call. How glad I am that I did not snore!

I am sad that student teaching has ended. It was an amazing experience! It is strange being back to reality…

Credit rating in the pooper

Okay, it was not paying the mortgage on time that negatively affected my credit...

How sad that all these years as a responsible citizen can be thrown out the window so easily. How sad that you work your whole life and stability can evaporate so quickly. How sad that I get a letter from one of our credit cards telling me they have lowered my limit -- even though I was never late to them! This is my oldest credit card or I'd be irritated enough to close it. I am sick. I've been trying to pay them off, but Hubby's lack of employment has forced us into using our credit line for crazy things like roof repair, car repair, and sometimes food.

Why is my self esteem tied to my credit rating? If I didn't get a holiday bonus from my dad this year we would be without a Christmas at my house. The bonus has allowed me to get current on all utilities. YAY! I'm still cutting it way back -- this year is kids only for presents.

I wish Hubby would move faster on getting a better job. I wish this was not so hard. I hate that our debt mountain has grown so high. I hate that I'm going to have to take charge of his job search since depression has him shackled. I am sick. Ugh.

On a brighter note: my friend got to have a wonderful day with her kids yesterday. YAY for small miracles!

Depressed

This is how it felt today.... like the world and circumstances were aligned to mock me and my silly attempts at getting things under control. I am so overwhelmed. I feel like a bad student, bad teacher, bad mom, bad wife, bad friend, and bad daughter inlaw.

By 8pm I was in tear. I took a walk but was crying and afraid my neighbors would wonder about me... so I went to take a drive... and discovered one of my headlights is out and my battery light was on. I took Hubby's car and just drove and cried. And cried. And cried. I know in my heart and mind that the current struggles will pass, I'm just so overwhelmed by the fact I could be doing so much better in all of my roles. I am a better student than this. I am a better Mom. I am a better teacher. I am a better wife. I am a better friend. I am a better daughter inlaw. It is just that right now, I'm not my best at any of these things.

It stinks. I can't lean too hard on Hubby due to his depression not lifting. Poor guy. The financial woes are bringing him down (and me too). How sad when he made more on unemployment than he does at the current job working overnight. You'd think the money would be better since the shift is so rough.

I am not used to saying no to people. I don't like to have to set limits, but I find I must right now. There is so much learning that goes on in student teaching. 5 hours sleep per night is just not enough. I hope I can get ahead this weekend. I will get through this... I know I will. I will call my doctor tomorrow. I am depressed. I should not be this overwhelmed. I am grateful for all the learning that I'm gaining... I hate not knowing what I'm doing all the time though. Ah the joy of learning!

I will call my doctor tomorrow. It will be better if the depression were not hovering over me right now. The fight against it is too big, I need help and will seek it. Sometimes it is a hard decision, but once made it feels better. Hopefully my doctor can get me back on track quickly.

So tired...

Hubby is working the overnight shift. Sleeping without him kept me up, now having him home keeps me up. Strange...... We are both zombies.

Everyone said student teaching wears you out. I am quite worn out. I think student teaching with a family is particularly brutal. Worrying about money, hubby's employment, Super Girl's transition into middle school, teaching, preparation, and everything else is too much right now. I'm just so tired. I can't handle additional obligations right now. The adjustment of getting to work at 6:30am vs. 9am is brutal. I'm simply afraid to sleep. I wake at 5:10 only to discover Hubby hit snooze without ever waking ME. The next morning I'm sitting bolt upright at 4am fearful that if I sleep that one more hour I will not wake for school.

Burning the candle at both ends for so long seems to have caught up with me. I simply do not feel good. I had a migraine this week, I haven't had one of those in a LONG time. I'm teetering on depression and struggling to function. I am proud of my interactions with my students and love getting to know them. I hate to admit that I hate coming home... but coming home to our current chaos is too taxing for words. The roof was replaced.... were will we get the cash to pay for it? Now what do we do about the water damage? Will insurance cover this?

Hubby dropped his class this semester because it is too hard with the overnight job and running the household. I understand, but I am frustrated he had to register and pay for it when I told him to take the semester off. Now he is out the money and it is just stupid. Why couldn't he listen? He didn't tell me until this morning when I called him to see if he was on the way home or on the way to class. "Oh, I meant to tell you -- I dropped the class."

I know he is depressed, but he needs to work at changing his current situation. Getting a different job would be a start, but he is making no moves to find another gig. Ugh.

My chronic pain is flaring up from all this stress and I'm trying to keep the depression at bay....

I know this too shall pass. I will hold on and believe.....