For realsies? How can you be so cold?

I know that my life is not "normal".  I get it that many can not relate to me because my son tried to kill himself nearly 2 years ago and my dad suffers from rapidly progressing dementia.

But really, can people be so clueless when they know my circumstances?  When I say that I know that the crazy will end and that it will be exciting to be a "normal person" some day soon, does she really have to say that "life is never norma" and there are always challenges?

Does she not get it that her grandmother's illness does not compare to my FATHER's?  Really?  You still have your grandparents and parents.  My grandparents are dead.  My mom is dead.  My dad is dying..... sorry, I just don't think you GET IT just because your 92 year old grandmother is sick.  My dad is 76 and he will be gone soon.  Your sick grandma is sad, but your parents are perfectly fucking healthy.  Drink a cup of shut the fuck up.

When I am sad that my son is suicidal and attempted to take his life nearly 2 years ago, can you just pretend to have sympathy?  Fucking really?  You want to say "At least he isn't dead."  Fuck yes he isn't dead -- he has been my only focus for 2 YEARS!  I've live on pins and needles for 2 YEARS doing all I can to keep my wonderful son ALIVE.  You are single and you get your grading done in a timely manner.  Congratulations bitch, glad you have no real worries in life.

I don't seek sympathy.  I don't want to be Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  But really?  You can't support me when I optimistically say that "I can't wait that it will get better next year?"  With optimism I proclaim "Just you wait to see me when life isn't crazy! I will be able to accomplish amazing things!"

Hello!  Can't you just agree?  Must you really say that there will always be something?    Are you fucking kidding me?  The last 2 years are beyond something.

I don't want anyone to live my life; I don't want anyone to fully appreciate what it is like.  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  But really, knowing my circumstances for the past 6 years, you can't cut me a little slack and pretend to agree that IT WILL GET BETTER?

Fuck you M. and the horse you road in on.

I hope you never know what it is like to be me.  I'm sorry you are single and can manage it all without a blink.  Kudos to you!  Enjoy it.  Embrace it.  For God's sake, APPRECIATE IT!

May you never know what it is like to have your father dying while you try to keep your suicidal son alive while going to school to keep your teaching certification, while working 2 jobs to pay the bills because you were on the low end when wages were frozen.

Enjoy your high end of the pay scale.  Enjoy your GRANDPARENTS while I grieve the loss of my parents (I lost my last grandparent my freshman year in college, you are far past those years).  Enjoy your happy lonely life; just stop fucking judging me.  I will never live up to your standards because I have a live outside of work.  My life is amazing.  My pain is great but my joy is great as well.  Get a life M.  You would be shocked at how much joy you can gain through the suffering.

Oh, by the way.....  Don't tell me that "There will always be something, that is how life is."  Fuck you.  You have no clue how rough life can be and I do not wish it upon you.  Really?  Can't you just pretend to relate?  You are the reason I hate to be around people.  You are the reason I hate social occasions.  You are the reason that I don't go to the lunch room for lunch.  You are the reason I keep to myself and focus on my family and students.

You don't get it.

I hope and pray you never will.

Happiness

Happiness is remaining healthy for a few weeks!!!

I have to admit, I thought the tales of first year teacher illness were exaggerated. Apparently, the illness suffered by a first year teacher is truly the stuff of which legend is made. It is only now that I've felt good for a few days that I realize that I was indeed quite sick for quite some time!

I'm looking forward to a nice break in which I can get caught up on grading. I love teaching and I love my students.... I also can't wait for my immunity to build up. Who knew it would be like this? I didn't! I did not ever get this sick when student teaching. Are 9th graders really that much more germie than 10th-12th? Hmmmmmmm........

Waiting.

If you had a lump and a biopsy deemed it benign, would you still want it removed?

What if you had multiple lumps?

What if they biopsied just one of those lumps? Could you resist the worry that the one biopsy will miss the real issue?

Would you be able to sleep at night without worrying about if the biopsy was done on the correct lump??? Ugh. Uncertainty sucks.

So the one biopsy IS good, and I do celebrate this.... what about the other lump? Why didn't they take more samples? Why are my breasts ticking time bombs?

I hate this part of being a woman. I can handle the verdict, I can't handle the waiting.

As Tom Petty says, "The waiting is the hardest part."

Happy

Do I sound crazy when I say I'm afraid to admit that I'm happy? It always seems like life kicks you in the face when you stop to savor the moment....

I love teaching! I'm so tired. Being a first year teacher is so much more tiring than I realized, but it is such a great tired feeling! Everything will be so much easier year 2! Tweaking is so much easier than creating. Being through it all once will help me so much when I'm doing everything this second time! I love my students. I am tired.

Dad is done with radiation. It was pesky, but there are good meds out there for prostate radiation side effects. Thank goodness for good medicine!

The kids are doing well and I'm thankful. How wonderful that they are stepping to the plate when needed! I am so grateful. Life IS good. I am counting my blessings!!!!

Our greyhound had to be put down.... it was hard. I'm not going to talk about it other than to say that big silly hound will be horribly missed. How nice it was to have such a great presence in our home!

Teaching

I'm neglecting my blog because I'm focused on the children. My own and my STUDENTS! Thanks for celebrating my accomplishment of securing a teaching gig! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my students. High schoolers rock! It is wonderful to be in the classroom and to share moments with my students. I love watching their eyes light up and hearing their thoughts. All of my energy is focused on the kids right now (that and getting in all of my required hours of professional development). I never know I could learn so many names so fast. I need to ensure I get enough sleep and eat lunch so that my brain works and I can REMEMBER the names I knew just last week! Interesting how sometimes it is so easy and other times so hard!!!!

I'm lucky my students are patient with me. Class sizes are around 35 -- multiply that by each hour of the day and you have a TON of names to learn.

Year one is all about hunting and gathering what you need to teach. Who know this was the challenge. Luckily classroom management is only an issue 5th hour. The rest of my hours are relatively under control. 5th hour is like wrestling a greased pig. I'm not certain I'm always winning over their minds... but I'm making progress on their hearts!

Dad is starting radiation for the prostate cancer. So far so good.

Hubby is supportive during this transition. He rocks.

More soon! Yay teaching!

New learning is a blast -- why does it make me so tired!!???

Egads!

Contact dermatitis. Hello, sounds somewhat innocent, but let me tell you! It is not! I don't know what it is that I'm allergic to, but darn it, I'm allergic to something!

I am on round 3 of this icky yucky itch. My doctor was al about prescribing steroids, but the real issue is that I must learn what the heck it is that I need to avoid. If you can tell me about the vine in my last post I will bow to your horticulture genius.

I'll admit it, life is crazy enough... I do not need itchy madness!!!!! Can I just say that Calomine does not do the trick?

On th bright side of things I am learning TONS in my masters classes. I'm working my ass off, but I'm learning a ton. Yay for learning!

BTW --- GO WINGS!!!!

Prostate Cancer

Well, it does not come as a shock to me that my dad got the diagnosis.

He had elevated PSA tests and the ultrasound showed swelling of the prostate gland. He had the biopsy last week and his doctor called to confirm the diagnosis. Dad has a very treatable cancer. I would be freaked out about this more if I didn't expect it... I would also be more freaked out about it if he didn't receive the news that he has ANOTHER aneurysm of the aorta. Poor Dad! Can you imagine learning you have cancer and an aortal aneurysm the same week? Super man has already survived a triple bypass at the age of 43. At 63 he had an abdominal aortal aneurysm which ruptured. If not for the alert emergency room staff he would not have survived. My dad survived and was released from the hospital in under a week -- less time than most patients who have aneurysms repaired in a scheduled surgery vs. and emergency rupture situation. This is not to mention the heart attack I watched him have in the hospital when some sort of levels were off after the surgery.... Superman shocked his doctors and awed the hospital staff. It is a funny feeling to sit in the ICU with your father as different residents and surgeons pop in to see the miracle man. I am grateful.

Dad is strong. He is a good man. I will be going with him this week for the appointment where he learns about his treatment plan. I am so grateful he is allowing me to go. I am researching prostate cancer and will soon be your local expert. Please don't hesitate to ask me for information in the coming weeks.... I will know whatever you need to know by the time his appointment rolls around this Thursday. I love his doctor who commented "I guarantee that it will NOT be prostate cancer that kills you." Dad laughed and said, "I wonder if he's been talking to my aneurysm surgeon?"

First we deal with the prostate cancer, then in 6 months they will do another CAT scan on the aortal anuerysm. Most likely he will have surgery to repair it at the 6 month mark, but for now it is watch and wait. Watch and wait may end up being the protocal on the prostate cancer with treatment to be done following the aneurysm repairs. Which will come first, the chicken or the egg?

Dad and I had an amazing conversation on Saturday. It was the conversation I never had with my mom when she got sick. I didn't know for certain that he had cancer at the time. I was grateful that we'd gotten to talk and that I'd heard those precious words... that he is proud of me. I am grateful again. I am also grateful he is allowing me to go with him to the doctor. I don't want him to face this alone. I once again ask for prayers for my dad. The only good thing I can say about losing my mother is that it forced me to appreciate my dad. Funny how life teaches you these lessons. Live and learn.