As I age...

I realize what is important. I don't really care about how I look or what people think of me. I care about what I can do, what I can control, how I can make a difference.

I don't care if I'm fat. I don't care if my students think I'm fair because I KNOW that I am more than fair; I am merciful. I realize what truly matters is being able to live with the decisions that I make. I realize that helping a single student secure a sense of accomplishment is well worth the BS that can bring me down.

My students are important, but I realize that what is most important is my relationships with my children. My home must be a refuge and place of peace. Hubby will learn this too... he has not suffered enough to get this yet. Better that he not understand; better that he not be forced to crave peace. Better that he not know that desperation for one area of life to be safe...

I know am I not alone. I know it will get better. I hope my body can keep up with my spirit.... I can do this. I know I can. Why is my blood pressure so high? Why can't I lose the extra weight? Please, let me be all that I want to be.... please let my body withstand and thrive as I tackle these challenges.

I've been more than 3 days without a cigarette. I wish I'd never picked one up. Darn if it didn't help me cope though.... Perhaps by conquering this nasty habit (restarted in June) I can get control of my eating and my life....

I wonder if these bad habits are crutches we are given to help us limp through the crazy tough times? I forgive myself though I hate to admit this fault... a girl can only do her best. A crutch in the storm is not so bad... It would be nice if the storm passed.... I must get stronger so that I do not need crutches.

More than 4 days without a cigarette.... I am proud. Pray that I can conquer this and my weight. I want to make a difference in this world before I leave it....

Ow.

Recovering from a major head injury seems to take time. I have had a headache for 3 months now. At times it is mild; at times it is a full blown migraine. I am grateful that my fall was not worse... I am doing physical therapy so that I can get back to normal.

What I have learned is that you must research to determine if your PT is qualified to treat you for a head and neck injury. You can not just let just anyone treat you. You have to find a physical therapist who knows the neck and head. You have to have a PT that will listen to you (otherwise you can end up really dizzy and sick after a PT session; that simply is NOT necessary). I'm so glad I have found a good PT who actually listens to me while still challenging me. I can take pain; I just can't take dizzy nausea.

I'm shocked at how bad my injury was, and I'm glad I'm assertive enough to get decent care.... I hope that recovery quickens but I'm happy knowing I am doing all that I can do.

Happy Holidays!

For me, baking Christmas cookies is a joy. I love the tradition of replicating my mother's hard work through her recipes. I love looking at her handwriting on the notecards and viewing her perfect script. This year I loved sharing the tradition with my daughter as she helped me complete tasks I could not complete without her. She has the capable hands that I lack. I fell this fall and suffered some physical setbacks that I have feared to admit.... I have a hard time accepting limitations and my current situation is no exception. I am suffering pain and struggling to maintain my frantic lifestyle despite the obvious limitations.

How is it that seeing my own limits is impossible for me? Joy is allowing loved ones to fill in the gaps -- and enjoying new traditions. I love my children. They are developing into such interesting people! So this year I bake cookies with Super Girl while playing Call of Duty / Black Ops with Wonder Boy. They are each uniquely wonderful. Hubby is wonderful as well - he did the shopping and wrapping. I am blessed to have such a family!

My goals going into 2011 revolve around getting healthy (I start physical therapy next week) and enjoying the right now. I am counting my blessings and wishing the blogosphere a wonderful new year. May your blessings be countless and your joys celebrated in the simple things...

Fall

I love the fall. There is something wonderful about the many colors painted upon the leaves of the trees.... I love the orange, yellow, and especially the RED. I love the crispness of the air and the apple cider. I love the pumpkin muffins and the sound of the marching band approaching the football field. The cheers from the crowd during the football game can not help but make me feel excited. The smell of a bonfire or burning leaves fills the air and the sunsets can not be beat... ah the wonder of yet another change of season...

Some may mourn the end of summer but I revel in the birth of the fall... sure, I dread the winter... but if you live in the now the fall can not be beat!!!! I better get out there and take some pictures....

Comfort

As the summer ends I know I need to wrap up my medical stuff. I need to have a D&C for some female issue I have been having. I'm not excited.... I am not freaked out, but I just can't stand the thought of possibly being laid up as I get ready for school... I find comfort in looking at the picture my mom gave my daughter... "Light of the World" is a wonderful memory and reminder of my mom (click the link for the back story).

I love this picture. I bought one for my dad. I bought one for my god daughter. I got one for my sister and one for my brother. I got one for me too (for when my daughter moves out some day and takes the original with her).

Faith is a gift and this picture is a symbol of faith that brings me great comfort. I need to stay in touch with my faith and let it comfort me. There are so many beautiful things in this world... I need to enjoy them and not sweat the details (as I tend to do).

I need to remember to hang onto my faith and not just when I'm stressed. My best friend is going through some crazy bad times... I admit it, her life raises my blood pressure. I wish life happened the way that it is supposed to and that good people would not be victimized by bad people. Ugh.

$ is still an issue... but at least hubby and I are still holding down jobs. In my state's economy this is major. It is hard to see the foreclosures everywhere. I wish we could refinance at a lower rate but our payment history is not perfect so I'm afraid to even try. Ah the joys of a family business that went under and the legacy of trying to keep it going. Oh well. There are worse things!

We are enjoying the puppy and are trying to be dog whisperers to our existing dogs. Things seem to be improving now that we have decided to lead our pack. Life is good -- I need to learn not to have such angst and to enjoy the NOW.

May positive thoughts breed positive results!

Summer!

I am excited -- I get to sleep in tomorrow! It is has not yet sunk in that I have survived my first year teaching. I have learned so much... my mind will not shut off on things I want to do (and do differently) next year! I miss my students already!

My chronic pain has been bad... hopefully getting more rest will help. It is so strange how pain can be ignored when you are crazy busy and then once things calm down it rears it's ugly head. I swear the moment I start to relax I feel the pain so much more. I wonder if this is normal for pain people? It seems to be my normal. It makes relaxing feel like a bad idea almost.... almost!

I'm sad that Hubby will not be able to take off for the 4th.... I hate vacationing without him. It feels so lonely.

My doctor did not agree to the MRI to put my worries to rest on the breast issues. It appears the lump is benign..... but the calcifications in the mammogram need to cook a bit longer. We are in the watch and wait mode. Apparently you get to see them light up your films and then you get to wait 6 months to see what they will do. I have 3 more months to let them grow since their first appearance. According to all current research this wait does not impact the five year survival rate.

To be perfectly honest I would be happy to have a double mastectomy right now. I'm sick of cysts, bumps, lumps, and scans. My breasts have become my enemies and I'd be happier without them. It wouldn't be so bad to have a removal and replacement. I know it sounds crazy, but there is a lot to be said for peace of mind.

I'm enjoying Super Girl and Wonder Boy hitting the teen stage.... how did my babies get this old?

Relief

The lump is benign.

I am relieved.

I still had an abnormal mammogram and will have to go back for testing in 6 months. This is fine.

I am grateful.

Wow am I tired.

I wish my pain was a little better right now but I'm very grateful -- I love teaching!

2nd Opinion

Well, I am disappointed. I was hoping that my mammogram schedule for 3 months from now was good enough. Getting the call that the radiologists and doctor would like me to come in for a "closer look" is a bit of a bummer. This indicates I was right to seek a 2nd opinion. My situation is not cut and dried. Whatever. Not looking forward to this but doing what is necessary. Can't I just be boring? I admit it; this is stressful.

I will be so much happier knowing the next step. As usual, the waiting is the hardest part.

In Storage

It is frustrating to have to wait for your records to be taken out of storage. My breast lump second opinion must wait for the previous mammogram x-rays to come out of storage; this is taking an extra week and a half because of the timing of my request. I can see why it would save money and time if as a nation we digitized our medical records. It would save me from having to take extra time off work as well. I don't like taking time away from school and would have liked to have gotten this done during a scheduled day off school.

So, if given a chance to mandate this change through a vote, I'm in! Let's digitize our records so that our caregivers have access to what they need to help us. Imagine the possibilities for diagnosis and treatment when our physicians have our medical histories (and x-rays!) at their fingertips!

For now I'll wait another week with this lump in my breast. I will use this time to make substitute plans for the day off work I will need to take due to my records being in storage. Ugh. I hate missing school.

Happiness

Happiness is remaining healthy for a few weeks!!!

I have to admit, I thought the tales of first year teacher illness were exaggerated. Apparently, the illness suffered by a first year teacher is truly the stuff of which legend is made. It is only now that I've felt good for a few days that I realize that I was indeed quite sick for quite some time!

I'm looking forward to a nice break in which I can get caught up on grading. I love teaching and I love my students.... I also can't wait for my immunity to build up. Who knew it would be like this? I didn't! I did not ever get this sick when student teaching. Are 9th graders really that much more germie than 10th-12th? Hmmmmmmm........

Snow Day!

Oh the joy of a snow day! Ah the memories of previous snow days when I actually took pictures! How fun it is to see the world blanketed in clean icy white goodness. I will have to start taking pictures again. I miss it. It was super cool having a snow day with my kids this week when I was legitimately off work and not having to feel guilty... yay snow day!

Due to flu I have not had my 2nd opinion yet on my latest lump issue. Hopefully next week.

This week: I get to meet with the angry dad. Clearly he is more important than me and his child is way too smart for that "B" the student earned. Whatever, can't wait to see him in person. Maybe he will not be as arrogant in person? I can only hope.

Pray for me ;-)

Still Waiting / Mean Parents

Biopsy #1 is benign! (More biopsies and testing to come, I will keep you posted).

I am waiting on the 2nd opinion.... but, that will be awhile due to me catching the flu again and not being able to get in to the doctor. Oh how I love days that I'm not sick. I can not imagine what it would be like to NOT be sick for a full weak. First year teachers catch it all. This too shall pass. I love my students and my job. Major props to the English teachers of the world. They do indeed earn their keep.

Parents -- have some mercy already. Just because you don't like your child's grade does not mean it is MY fault he or she failed to follow instructions. Cut me some slack when demanding a meeting (on my time) and try to have a tone that is not so darn condescending. It is awesome that you make double my salary; thanks for sharing. I used to make much too, but I decided to stop selling my soul. It does not make you better than me. I've fired people like you, thankyouverymuch.

Throwing your weight around only makes you look like an asshole. Thank goodness I take the time to THINK before firing off emails to my kid's teachers. Hello asshole, could you pay attention all semester long vs. contacting me after grades are posted for the ENTIRE semester? Congrats "Father of the Year," great job being involved. Glad you could be there AFTER the fact.

Oh, and mentioning your business trip to Japan... guess what? I'm not impressed.

I'm glad your kid is a wonderful person. Thank goodness for gene mutations..... she / he does not take after you -- asshole.

Sorry, but I DO feel better now! I'm such a jerk. ;-)

Waiting.

If you had a lump and a biopsy deemed it benign, would you still want it removed?

What if you had multiple lumps?

What if they biopsied just one of those lumps? Could you resist the worry that the one biopsy will miss the real issue?

Would you be able to sleep at night without worrying about if the biopsy was done on the correct lump??? Ugh. Uncertainty sucks.

So the one biopsy IS good, and I do celebrate this.... what about the other lump? Why didn't they take more samples? Why are my breasts ticking time bombs?

I hate this part of being a woman. I can handle the verdict, I can't handle the waiting.

As Tom Petty says, "The waiting is the hardest part."

Lately.....

Updates: (sorry no time for back story link goodness)

- Sister's hubby - still controlling and antisocial, no abuse. Watching and waiting.
- BFF: Divorce FINAL. Ex is still holding her belongings hostage. She is broke and therefore can't afford to file the motions that would hold him accountable.
- Still LOVE teaching!
- Dad's health is good! Latest PSA results good, radiation is done.
- Hubby still all about TKD.
- Still need to lose weight.
- Sleep still an issue for Wonder Boy and I.....
- Super girl - may have blood sugar issues. MIL loaned us testing equipment to check her sugar.. the hypochondriac monster has now been fed.
- English teachers grade their lives away. Why didn't I chose Phys. Ed?


Life is good -- living the dream!!!! Hope you are too!!!

2010

May the new year bring us hope, peace, freedom, joy, and love. These are the things which make a full life. I will always remember 2009 as a difficult year. I nearly lost my father. I struggled as a first year teacher. I failed to lose weight as I'd planned. I failed to keep up on my grading. I have failed at many things, but 2010 asks that I keep trying.

I may continue to fail, but my effort is not for naught. Even though I am not sufficient for the task, my effort is worthy and I do make a difference. It is key that I remember this so that I can keep plugging away.

May 2010 be the best year yet!

Wishing you blessings and joy.

Happy

Do I sound crazy when I say I'm afraid to admit that I'm happy? It always seems like life kicks you in the face when you stop to savor the moment....

I love teaching! I'm so tired. Being a first year teacher is so much more tiring than I realized, but it is such a great tired feeling! Everything will be so much easier year 2! Tweaking is so much easier than creating. Being through it all once will help me so much when I'm doing everything this second time! I love my students. I am tired.

Dad is done with radiation. It was pesky, but there are good meds out there for prostate radiation side effects. Thank goodness for good medicine!

The kids are doing well and I'm thankful. How wonderful that they are stepping to the plate when needed! I am so grateful. Life IS good. I am counting my blessings!!!!

Our greyhound had to be put down.... it was hard. I'm not going to talk about it other than to say that big silly hound will be horribly missed. How nice it was to have such a great presence in our home!

Teaching Rocks

For me, teaching is all about relationships. I teach high school, but I almost don't care what I teach. If I can connect with a student I can help them as a learner. It is so cool to have a job where I am able to make a difference. I realize these kids are GREAT. I realize they have a lot to contribute to this world. How cool is it that I have a job where I can encourage others to grow and make a difference? I consider this the most wonderful part of the job.

Updates:
- Hubby is taking a class this semester - yay!
- Dad is doing okay with radiation for the prostate cancer. He has good and bad days. Cancer is like that.
- Wonder boy is continuing to have issues with sleep, we are working on it.
- Super Girl is still challenging me as a parent in terms of her achieving to her abilities in school. How typical is that?
- I'm a first year teacher so I'm taking a break from my master's program. Can I just say that next year will be SOOOOO much easier when I'm not going through everything for the very first time?
- Why is it acceptable for tees to grind on each other at high school dances? Do we not have standards?

Teaching is amazing... you learn SO much!!

Teaching

I'm neglecting my blog because I'm focused on the children. My own and my STUDENTS! Thanks for celebrating my accomplishment of securing a teaching gig! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my students. High schoolers rock! It is wonderful to be in the classroom and to share moments with my students. I love watching their eyes light up and hearing their thoughts. All of my energy is focused on the kids right now (that and getting in all of my required hours of professional development). I never know I could learn so many names so fast. I need to ensure I get enough sleep and eat lunch so that my brain works and I can REMEMBER the names I knew just last week! Interesting how sometimes it is so easy and other times so hard!!!!

I'm lucky my students are patient with me. Class sizes are around 35 -- multiply that by each hour of the day and you have a TON of names to learn.

Year one is all about hunting and gathering what you need to teach. Who know this was the challenge. Luckily classroom management is only an issue 5th hour. The rest of my hours are relatively under control. 5th hour is like wrestling a greased pig. I'm not certain I'm always winning over their minds... but I'm making progress on their hearts!

Dad is starting radiation for the prostate cancer. So far so good.

Hubby is supportive during this transition. He rocks.

More soon! Yay teaching!

New learning is a blast -- why does it make me so tired!!???

Celebrate!

I can't remember the last time I had BIG GOOD NEWS! But here it is.... I'm a real teacher!!! Sure, I got my certification in the spring of '08, but the fall of '09 is when I got my first FULL TIME teaching gig! I'm so excited! I'll be teaching high school this fall! As one door closes another opens... I'm so exited to finally be walking through this door. I have worked many years to get here. I started back to school 8 years ago! Slow and steady wins the race!

I have to admit it, it has not really sunk in for me yet. What is a joy for me is watching the reactions of those who have walked on this journey with me. So many have known me as I've returned to school. Taking classes while raising a family and working full time is NOT puppy chow. I have had many support and cheer me on. This has been a challenge. I can't wait though!

How wonderful to know that in a few short weeks I will be doing what I LOVE! Wish me luck -- I'm a teaching now and the challenge is just beginning!

Life is good!

Dream Deferred......

I am interviewing for my dream job. It would be a dream come true to teach in my own community. I have worked since 2001 to become a teacher.. to follow my dream.

I have taken classes at night while working full time and raising a family. It has been wonderful to learn and grow. I love the idea of working with high school students and helping them achieve their full potentials.

I want this job so much it hurts to even hope.

Please pray for me... I've been working toward this goal since 2001.

How cool would it be to work in my district? Way cool. Please say a big prayer for me.... I made the cut for interviews.. now to survive stage one! Stage 2 is teaching a lesson. Even if I don't get the job I'm learning... it would just be so awesome to land a job in this district though....... it it hard to interview for this job because it hurts to even hope...

Competition is amazing,,,, I hope they love me... nobody will work harder than I will.... it would be amazing to land my dream job.

By the way.... Super Girl and Wonder Boy have become Bonnie and Clyde. How did my babies become Tweens?????