Not ready for this...

Watching my father age is scary. I remember his mother besieged by dementia when she was just a few years older than he is now. I remember reality slipping away from her. I see that he is not as sharp as he used to be.... I see him struggle with macular degeneration. How horrible it would be to not be able to read any longer.

I see him struggle with comprehension of what he reads and with memory.... I hate watching the aging process. I hate watching these changes as they signify a time when he will no longer be independent. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this... Please stop. I'm not ready.

As I age...

I realize what is important. I don't really care about how I look or what people think of me. I care about what I can do, what I can control, how I can make a difference.

I don't care if I'm fat. I don't care if my students think I'm fair because I KNOW that I am more than fair; I am merciful. I realize what truly matters is being able to live with the decisions that I make. I realize that helping a single student secure a sense of accomplishment is well worth the BS that can bring me down.

My students are important, but I realize that what is most important is my relationships with my children. My home must be a refuge and place of peace. Hubby will learn this too... he has not suffered enough to get this yet. Better that he not understand; better that he not be forced to crave peace. Better that he not know that desperation for one area of life to be safe...

I know am I not alone. I know it will get better. I hope my body can keep up with my spirit.... I can do this. I know I can. Why is my blood pressure so high? Why can't I lose the extra weight? Please, let me be all that I want to be.... please let my body withstand and thrive as I tackle these challenges.

I've been more than 3 days without a cigarette. I wish I'd never picked one up. Darn if it didn't help me cope though.... Perhaps by conquering this nasty habit (restarted in June) I can get control of my eating and my life....

I wonder if these bad habits are crutches we are given to help us limp through the crazy tough times? I forgive myself though I hate to admit this fault... a girl can only do her best. A crutch in the storm is not so bad... It would be nice if the storm passed.... I must get stronger so that I do not need crutches.

More than 4 days without a cigarette.... I am proud. Pray that I can conquer this and my weight. I want to make a difference in this world before I leave it....

Ow.

Recovering from a major head injury seems to take time. I have had a headache for 3 months now. At times it is mild; at times it is a full blown migraine. I am grateful that my fall was not worse... I am doing physical therapy so that I can get back to normal.

What I have learned is that you must research to determine if your PT is qualified to treat you for a head and neck injury. You can not just let just anyone treat you. You have to find a physical therapist who knows the neck and head. You have to have a PT that will listen to you (otherwise you can end up really dizzy and sick after a PT session; that simply is NOT necessary). I'm so glad I have found a good PT who actually listens to me while still challenging me. I can take pain; I just can't take dizzy nausea.

I'm shocked at how bad my injury was, and I'm glad I'm assertive enough to get decent care.... I hope that recovery quickens but I'm happy knowing I am doing all that I can do.

Happy Holidays!

For me, baking Christmas cookies is a joy. I love the tradition of replicating my mother's hard work through her recipes. I love looking at her handwriting on the notecards and viewing her perfect script. This year I loved sharing the tradition with my daughter as she helped me complete tasks I could not complete without her. She has the capable hands that I lack. I fell this fall and suffered some physical setbacks that I have feared to admit.... I have a hard time accepting limitations and my current situation is no exception. I am suffering pain and struggling to maintain my frantic lifestyle despite the obvious limitations.

How is it that seeing my own limits is impossible for me? Joy is allowing loved ones to fill in the gaps -- and enjoying new traditions. I love my children. They are developing into such interesting people! So this year I bake cookies with Super Girl while playing Call of Duty / Black Ops with Wonder Boy. They are each uniquely wonderful. Hubby is wonderful as well - he did the shopping and wrapping. I am blessed to have such a family!

My goals going into 2011 revolve around getting healthy (I start physical therapy next week) and enjoying the right now. I am counting my blessings and wishing the blogosphere a wonderful new year. May your blessings be countless and your joys celebrated in the simple things...

Comfort

As the summer ends I know I need to wrap up my medical stuff. I need to have a D&C for some female issue I have been having. I'm not excited.... I am not freaked out, but I just can't stand the thought of possibly being laid up as I get ready for school... I find comfort in looking at the picture my mom gave my daughter... "Light of the World" is a wonderful memory and reminder of my mom (click the link for the back story).

I love this picture. I bought one for my dad. I bought one for my god daughter. I got one for my sister and one for my brother. I got one for me too (for when my daughter moves out some day and takes the original with her).

Faith is a gift and this picture is a symbol of faith that brings me great comfort. I need to stay in touch with my faith and let it comfort me. There are so many beautiful things in this world... I need to enjoy them and not sweat the details (as I tend to do).

I need to remember to hang onto my faith and not just when I'm stressed. My best friend is going through some crazy bad times... I admit it, her life raises my blood pressure. I wish life happened the way that it is supposed to and that good people would not be victimized by bad people. Ugh.

$ is still an issue... but at least hubby and I are still holding down jobs. In my state's economy this is major. It is hard to see the foreclosures everywhere. I wish we could refinance at a lower rate but our payment history is not perfect so I'm afraid to even try. Ah the joys of a family business that went under and the legacy of trying to keep it going. Oh well. There are worse things!

We are enjoying the puppy and are trying to be dog whisperers to our existing dogs. Things seem to be improving now that we have decided to lead our pack. Life is good -- I need to learn not to have such angst and to enjoy the NOW.

May positive thoughts breed positive results!

Summer!

I am excited -- I get to sleep in tomorrow! It is has not yet sunk in that I have survived my first year teaching. I have learned so much... my mind will not shut off on things I want to do (and do differently) next year! I miss my students already!

My chronic pain has been bad... hopefully getting more rest will help. It is so strange how pain can be ignored when you are crazy busy and then once things calm down it rears it's ugly head. I swear the moment I start to relax I feel the pain so much more. I wonder if this is normal for pain people? It seems to be my normal. It makes relaxing feel like a bad idea almost.... almost!

I'm sad that Hubby will not be able to take off for the 4th.... I hate vacationing without him. It feels so lonely.

My doctor did not agree to the MRI to put my worries to rest on the breast issues. It appears the lump is benign..... but the calcifications in the mammogram need to cook a bit longer. We are in the watch and wait mode. Apparently you get to see them light up your films and then you get to wait 6 months to see what they will do. I have 3 more months to let them grow since their first appearance. According to all current research this wait does not impact the five year survival rate.

To be perfectly honest I would be happy to have a double mastectomy right now. I'm sick of cysts, bumps, lumps, and scans. My breasts have become my enemies and I'd be happier without them. It wouldn't be so bad to have a removal and replacement. I know it sounds crazy, but there is a lot to be said for peace of mind.

I'm enjoying Super Girl and Wonder Boy hitting the teen stage.... how did my babies get this old?

I love teaching!

I love my students. My worst day teaching is so much better than my good days in the corporate world! It is so awesome being there for my students and getting to know them. I love watching them grow! WOW have they evolved since last September! Thankfully, so has their writing!

I'm busier than ever but quite happy! I look forward to next year -- I've learned so much that will hopefully make next year easier for me. I have to admit -- teachers work really hard (especially ENGLISH teachers!).

The hard part is striking a balance between work and home life.... such is the gripe of every working mom :-)

Relief

The lump is benign.

I am relieved.

I still had an abnormal mammogram and will have to go back for testing in 6 months. This is fine.

I am grateful.

Wow am I tired.

I wish my pain was a little better right now but I'm very grateful -- I love teaching!

Tomorrow

So, it has been quite a long week. Tomorrow is my 2nd opinion and I'm a bit freaked out tonight as I wait for tomorrow to come. Somehow Tom Petty is right, the waiting is the hardest part. I think I can cope with any outcome - I just need someone to point me in the right direction and I'll start marching.

I've been super grumpy all week. I hate when I'm like this..... the good news is that I should get immediate results on my mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow. I hope that 24 hours from now I'm writing a happy post. I feel so frustrated that I can't trust the good news I got on the biopsy.... but how can you trust the doctor if he asks you if he is doing the biopsy on the right lump? Hello? It feels like a bag of marbles to me, shouldn't you be the guy who knows what to do since your huge core biopsy needle is ultrasound guided? Um hello? WTF? How can you ask me such a question?? My response what "You tell me!"

I'm glad I've got my care in the hands of specialists tomorrow. I will be glad to know what is going on....

2nd Opinion

Well, I am disappointed. I was hoping that my mammogram schedule for 3 months from now was good enough. Getting the call that the radiologists and doctor would like me to come in for a "closer look" is a bit of a bummer. This indicates I was right to seek a 2nd opinion. My situation is not cut and dried. Whatever. Not looking forward to this but doing what is necessary. Can't I just be boring? I admit it; this is stressful.

I will be so much happier knowing the next step. As usual, the waiting is the hardest part.

I love winter Olympics!

I want to be a snowboarder so that I can get the really cool outfit. I love that plaid!!! How cool would I be in this outfit? I think I could rock it..... I'd be stoked.

Apollo Anton Ono you are very cool, but what is up with that chin mohawk? This is not a fashion yes..... it is a NO. Please shave or don't shave -- just don't make us witness this in between thing you have going on....
Dude, you can afford a shave....

In other random news.... my sister's friend approached me about my sister's husband. She tells me that she is worried, she thinks he is odd and controlling... Wow, it took you how many years to notice? It isn't like I'm a rocket scientist -- why was I the only one to notice and worry until now? Why does my radar go off so far ahead of everyone else? We shall see, maybe we are all wrong. Maybe he is the great guy she claims he is.... I hope so.

It is nice to blog again, even if my posts are random and not very cohesive.... it is easier to write it out than talk it out sometimes......

In Storage

It is frustrating to have to wait for your records to be taken out of storage. My breast lump second opinion must wait for the previous mammogram x-rays to come out of storage; this is taking an extra week and a half because of the timing of my request. I can see why it would save money and time if as a nation we digitized our medical records. It would save me from having to take extra time off work as well. I don't like taking time away from school and would have liked to have gotten this done during a scheduled day off school.

So, if given a chance to mandate this change through a vote, I'm in! Let's digitize our records so that our caregivers have access to what they need to help us. Imagine the possibilities for diagnosis and treatment when our physicians have our medical histories (and x-rays!) at their fingertips!

For now I'll wait another week with this lump in my breast. I will use this time to make substitute plans for the day off work I will need to take due to my records being in storage. Ugh. I hate missing school.

Snow Day!

Oh the joy of a snow day! Ah the memories of previous snow days when I actually took pictures! How fun it is to see the world blanketed in clean icy white goodness. I will have to start taking pictures again. I miss it. It was super cool having a snow day with my kids this week when I was legitimately off work and not having to feel guilty... yay snow day!

Due to flu I have not had my 2nd opinion yet on my latest lump issue. Hopefully next week.

This week: I get to meet with the angry dad. Clearly he is more important than me and his child is way too smart for that "B" the student earned. Whatever, can't wait to see him in person. Maybe he will not be as arrogant in person? I can only hope.

Pray for me ;-)

Still Waiting / Mean Parents

Biopsy #1 is benign! (More biopsies and testing to come, I will keep you posted).

I am waiting on the 2nd opinion.... but, that will be awhile due to me catching the flu again and not being able to get in to the doctor. Oh how I love days that I'm not sick. I can not imagine what it would be like to NOT be sick for a full weak. First year teachers catch it all. This too shall pass. I love my students and my job. Major props to the English teachers of the world. They do indeed earn their keep.

Parents -- have some mercy already. Just because you don't like your child's grade does not mean it is MY fault he or she failed to follow instructions. Cut me some slack when demanding a meeting (on my time) and try to have a tone that is not so darn condescending. It is awesome that you make double my salary; thanks for sharing. I used to make much too, but I decided to stop selling my soul. It does not make you better than me. I've fired people like you, thankyouverymuch.

Throwing your weight around only makes you look like an asshole. Thank goodness I take the time to THINK before firing off emails to my kid's teachers. Hello asshole, could you pay attention all semester long vs. contacting me after grades are posted for the ENTIRE semester? Congrats "Father of the Year," great job being involved. Glad you could be there AFTER the fact.

Oh, and mentioning your business trip to Japan... guess what? I'm not impressed.

I'm glad your kid is a wonderful person. Thank goodness for gene mutations..... she / he does not take after you -- asshole.

Sorry, but I DO feel better now! I'm such a jerk. ;-)

Our Mothers, Education

Meryl Streep has my respect. I love how she accepted her award and shared what her mother would have said to her. I can't imagine putting on a party dress and pretending that an award show is important when all you can think about is the suffering in Haiti. I'm so glad that there is a strong faith present in the people of Haiti. I can't imagine going through such suffering without the gift of faith.

I often channel what my mom would say to me in various situations. She had an unwavering faith and quiet charisma. I am never alone because she is always with me -- when I stop and think I know what advice she would give. It is nice when you hit the age when you KNOW what you have to do. You know what is right and you no longer hesitate to do it. I wonder sometimes how it is that she has already been gone for 5 years; and yet her words are still fresh in my mind.

Our mothers stay with us. Today we put away my dad's holiday decorations. There was so much less work to do because he is coming into his own again. He does not realize how much better he is now. Not just in recovering from grave illness, no -- he is recovering from horrible grief. He has come so far. We all have. Time heals us in so many ways; yet we still have a hole that can not be filled.

On another front..... Teaching is amazing. My mind never stops. I am quite tired. I get it now. 35 students per class is a lot when it takes 15 minutes per paper to get the grading done. Could someone please give me more hours in the day? The hard part of teaching is keeping up on the grading. Also, if California can resist cutting education why can't my state? Why is it that people in my state resent what teachers get paid? Seriously? Why would you degrade the people you trust with your children every day? I have more education that most doctors and yet I don't deserve my silly $39,0000? Really? I value my kids and want quality teachers. I wish I was in charge and could fix education sometimes... then I wake up and am glad I can make a difference for my 35 per class. Who the heck cares if their parents do not appreciate me. My students know I'm here to help them.

2010

May the new year bring us hope, peace, freedom, joy, and love. These are the things which make a full life. I will always remember 2009 as a difficult year. I nearly lost my father. I struggled as a first year teacher. I failed to lose weight as I'd planned. I failed to keep up on my grading. I have failed at many things, but 2010 asks that I keep trying.

I may continue to fail, but my effort is not for naught. Even though I am not sufficient for the task, my effort is worthy and I do make a difference. It is key that I remember this so that I can keep plugging away.

May 2010 be the best year yet!

Wishing you blessings and joy.

Teaching Rocks

For me, teaching is all about relationships. I teach high school, but I almost don't care what I teach. If I can connect with a student I can help them as a learner. It is so cool to have a job where I am able to make a difference. I realize these kids are GREAT. I realize they have a lot to contribute to this world. How cool is it that I have a job where I can encourage others to grow and make a difference? I consider this the most wonderful part of the job.

Updates:
- Hubby is taking a class this semester - yay!
- Dad is doing okay with radiation for the prostate cancer. He has good and bad days. Cancer is like that.
- Wonder boy is continuing to have issues with sleep, we are working on it.
- Super Girl is still challenging me as a parent in terms of her achieving to her abilities in school. How typical is that?
- I'm a first year teacher so I'm taking a break from my master's program. Can I just say that next year will be SOOOOO much easier when I'm not going through everything for the very first time?
- Why is it acceptable for tees to grind on each other at high school dances? Do we not have standards?

Teaching is amazing... you learn SO much!!

Dream Deferred......

I am interviewing for my dream job. It would be a dream come true to teach in my own community. I have worked since 2001 to become a teacher.. to follow my dream.

I have taken classes at night while working full time and raising a family. It has been wonderful to learn and grow. I love the idea of working with high school students and helping them achieve their full potentials.

I want this job so much it hurts to even hope.

Please pray for me... I've been working toward this goal since 2001.

How cool would it be to work in my district? Way cool. Please say a big prayer for me.... I made the cut for interviews.. now to survive stage one! Stage 2 is teaching a lesson. Even if I don't get the job I'm learning... it would just be so awesome to land a job in this district though....... it it hard to interview for this job because it hurts to even hope...

Competition is amazing,,,, I hope they love me... nobody will work harder than I will.... it would be amazing to land my dream job.

By the way.... Super Girl and Wonder Boy have become Bonnie and Clyde. How did my babies become Tweens?????

Stuff

I feel guilty that I have not posted on Dad's recovery from C-diff and all that other stuff. He claims that he is at 90% now -- that is awesome considering the surgical recovery was supposed to be 6 months. Yay Dad! He isn't supposed to be 100% until at least November. That is not even taking into consideration all of his complications which were more than extensive.

It is interview season and I'm hoping to get the call for a teaching gig -- please say a prayer for me. I don't want to admit that I'm obsessing on my portfolio..... but I am. There are a few openings and hundreds of applicants. I would love to work as a teacher. I miss teaching. It would be awesome to spend my days with amazing kids (all kids are amazing... so much potential!).

My kids are good. Super Girl and Wonder Boy are true partners in crime.... they have challenged my will and parenting skills as of late. Can you say Bonnie and Clyde?

My friend's never ending divorce has yet to end..... 2 years and counting. Stalker ex hubby.... ick. I fear for her.

No time to blog lately, but I'm trying to jump back in. I find that blogging is a great way to remember what the heck happened during that crazy year..... I read a few old posts recently and realized that writing about the now preserves it for me.. I simply don't remember the details... too much going on for detailed memory. It is a gift to look back at old posts (especially "Waking Up") because these posts bring back important memories that I need to hold close so that I appreciate the gift of right now. It has been a rough patch for chronic pain...... ready for it to improve.

"Live in the now!" is the best advice I've ever been given. How about you? What is the best advice you have received?

This N That.

Update: My dad is doing much better now. He conquered C-diff and is on the mend from the aortal aneurysm surgery. What a surgery, what a recovery! Thanks for the prayers.

My inlaws have gotten out from under their big fat hairy mortgage by selling the house they built. They have purchased and are slightly renovating a more reasonable home. If only they had stayed in their original home. That mortgage had almost been paid off.... the upside is that they were able to get enough from the one home to buy this other house (a foreclosure, amazing how much property you can get these days). They have a huge yard that I would plant a monster garden in... that's just me though. I'm all about planting vs. buying! Call me cheap....

The kids are FINALLY out of school. I'm loving having nightly bonfires in the fire pit. What a great thing.

School is kicking my butt.... apparently I'm taking the stopper class of the program. Ugh. Must make it through.... must stop being an academic perfectionist.

Work is hectic, my pain is pretty bad (hence the lag in posts). But, I'm happy. I'm grateful my dad is better and that I've got great kids. But why is it that Super Girl likes to wear her sweat shirt hoods so that she looks like the Unibomber? I have made a no unibomber in the house rule.

I just wish Hubby could pick his career goal.... he is working a job, not a career. He knows he needs to go back to school but is paralyzed by the daunting task at hand. I get it, but time to move on!!

There is nothing better than a swing in the summer time.....