For realsies? How can you be so cold?

I know that my life is not "normal".  I get it that many can not relate to me because my son tried to kill himself nearly 2 years ago and my dad suffers from rapidly progressing dementia.

But really, can people be so clueless when they know my circumstances?  When I say that I know that the crazy will end and that it will be exciting to be a "normal person" some day soon, does she really have to say that "life is never norma" and there are always challenges?

Does she not get it that her grandmother's illness does not compare to my FATHER's?  Really?  You still have your grandparents and parents.  My grandparents are dead.  My mom is dead.  My dad is dying..... sorry, I just don't think you GET IT just because your 92 year old grandmother is sick.  My dad is 76 and he will be gone soon.  Your sick grandma is sad, but your parents are perfectly fucking healthy.  Drink a cup of shut the fuck up.

When I am sad that my son is suicidal and attempted to take his life nearly 2 years ago, can you just pretend to have sympathy?  Fucking really?  You want to say "At least he isn't dead."  Fuck yes he isn't dead -- he has been my only focus for 2 YEARS!  I've live on pins and needles for 2 YEARS doing all I can to keep my wonderful son ALIVE.  You are single and you get your grading done in a timely manner.  Congratulations bitch, glad you have no real worries in life.

I don't seek sympathy.  I don't want to be Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  But really?  You can't support me when I optimistically say that "I can't wait that it will get better next year?"  With optimism I proclaim "Just you wait to see me when life isn't crazy! I will be able to accomplish amazing things!"

Hello!  Can't you just agree?  Must you really say that there will always be something?    Are you fucking kidding me?  The last 2 years are beyond something.

I don't want anyone to live my life; I don't want anyone to fully appreciate what it is like.  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  But really, knowing my circumstances for the past 6 years, you can't cut me a little slack and pretend to agree that IT WILL GET BETTER?

Fuck you M. and the horse you road in on.

I hope you never know what it is like to be me.  I'm sorry you are single and can manage it all without a blink.  Kudos to you!  Enjoy it.  Embrace it.  For God's sake, APPRECIATE IT!

May you never know what it is like to have your father dying while you try to keep your suicidal son alive while going to school to keep your teaching certification, while working 2 jobs to pay the bills because you were on the low end when wages were frozen.

Enjoy your high end of the pay scale.  Enjoy your GRANDPARENTS while I grieve the loss of my parents (I lost my last grandparent my freshman year in college, you are far past those years).  Enjoy your happy lonely life; just stop fucking judging me.  I will never live up to your standards because I have a live outside of work.  My life is amazing.  My pain is great but my joy is great as well.  Get a life M.  You would be shocked at how much joy you can gain through the suffering.

Oh, by the way.....  Don't tell me that "There will always be something, that is how life is."  Fuck you.  You have no clue how rough life can be and I do not wish it upon you.  Really?  Can't you just pretend to relate?  You are the reason I hate to be around people.  You are the reason I hate social occasions.  You are the reason that I don't go to the lunch room for lunch.  You are the reason I keep to myself and focus on my family and students.

You don't get it.

I hope and pray you never will.

2nd Opinion

Well, I am disappointed. I was hoping that my mammogram schedule for 3 months from now was good enough. Getting the call that the radiologists and doctor would like me to come in for a "closer look" is a bit of a bummer. This indicates I was right to seek a 2nd opinion. My situation is not cut and dried. Whatever. Not looking forward to this but doing what is necessary. Can't I just be boring? I admit it; this is stressful.

I will be so much happier knowing the next step. As usual, the waiting is the hardest part.

Egads!

Contact dermatitis. Hello, sounds somewhat innocent, but let me tell you! It is not! I don't know what it is that I'm allergic to, but darn it, I'm allergic to something!

I am on round 3 of this icky yucky itch. My doctor was al about prescribing steroids, but the real issue is that I must learn what the heck it is that I need to avoid. If you can tell me about the vine in my last post I will bow to your horticulture genius.

I'll admit it, life is crazy enough... I do not need itchy madness!!!!! Can I just say that Calomine does not do the trick?

On th bright side of things I am learning TONS in my masters classes. I'm working my ass off, but I'm learning a ton. Yay for learning!

BTW --- GO WINGS!!!!

My brother's keeper...

Driving my brother to work every day has slowly driven me insane. He was irresponsible and lost his license for a year. It has been over a year and he applied to get it back, but he has not yet and this makes me sad. I am selfish; I want my car and time back. I don't want to have to go home for lunch (dropping him off and picking him up). I want to use my lunch hour to run errands again. I want to go to work early if I want to and to stay late when I want to -- without having to consider him (heaven forbid he put in an extra minute).

Working in the family business is great -- other than my younger brother. I love him, do not get me wrong here.... I'm just sick of him. I don't know how he could be so different. He punches the clock and puts in the bare minimum. Nobody else in my family is like that... half assed efforts are not the norm and yet younger brother gets away with it. My older brother is forced to follow up on him constantly to ensure the work gets done. How sad. I hate sitting on the sidelines and watching this...

It would be easier to ignore if I were not younger brother's chauffeur... I can't wait for him to drive again. I hope he has learned his lesson... but I doubt it. Should he get into trouble again I will let him ride his bike instead of drive him... His mistake has been a burden on me and he isn't very grateful. Sure he says thanks, but his actions are inconsiderate (ie. keeping me waiting when I go to pick him up). I'd be appalled to inconvenience the person who helps me out; he is not. It isn't worth mentioning to him, hence I blog it out here and getting it off my chest will make me feel better.... Hopefully there will only be a few more weeks of this.

As I turn 40 on Wednesday I will count my blessings. I am glad I have made it this far and that I am the person I have become.... I can't believe it took me 40 years to actually learn to like myself. If only I knew then what I know now... Oh well. I'm enjoying my life now (even if my brother makes me nuts... :-)

When I get my lunch time freedom back I will appreciate it forever more....

Why?

Why is it SO hard for me to shut up.

I am learning.

I am learning to shut up on the soccer sidelines.

I don't know if it is good; I think my head will explode.

Incompetence is never good, but at 13 and under, you would hope for better. The coach is the guy that took over the team when Hubby could no longer commit to soccer due to work and school obligations. I am disappointed at what I witness more as each week passes. I can't stand to watch talent go undeveloped. I can't stand to watch a team dissolve into poor play when I know they are capable of so much more.

Yes, I miss being the assistant coach.

Yes, I loved it (nothing is more rewarding than building the confidence of a team and watching them have fun as they gain skill).

No, my issue with this coach is not that I'm jealous and want to be the coach.

(Though I would step in happily if given the opportunity).

I simply hate biting my lip until it bleeds because I know more than he does about soccer. I hate knowing that our offense can't do it's thing because the defense is collapsing back upon the goalie. It makes me crazy that we give up the entire center of the field to the opposing team because these girls are not being coached on how to play their position. The other team had no worries about being off sides -- we invited them into our net.

"Good kick."

"Nice Try!"

Is that coaching at this age level? I ask you?

Oh just shoot me....... How will I survive 8 more games of this? I better call my doctor and up my blood pressure meds. We are only on game 2, this season might just kill me..... You would be proud of me though -- I kept my big fat mouth shut. Even though it killed me.

(Yes, Super Girl noted my lack of cheering / yelling... she wondered about it since I am usually full of enthusiasm and cheerful "Good job" shouts to all..... I just could not say anything today for fear that I'd start yelling at the defense to MOVE UP..... I wanted to coach the other team today so that I could exploit our weak and disorganized defense... I must really be sick). I could not cheer for our team because we played bad soccer. We were poorly coached and the team is struggling to mesh with 1/2 the team having been together for 6 years and 1/2 new this year. They looked to their coach for leadership and got confusion.... he even subbed us short by putting too few players in... Again, please shoot me).

I will try to find good to cheer about at the next game. I will not coach from the sidelines. Perhaps things will change? If not, this will be a very long season.... UGH!

What would you do? How do you bite your lip? Super Girl is frustrated and I'm hiding my frustration from her so that I don't make it worse. ("Oh, I just tried not to yell too much because I know coach doesn't want parents coaching from the sidelines -- aren't you proud of me that I behaved?)

Is it just me???? Does this stuff make anyone else crazy?