As I age...

I realize what is important. I don't really care about how I look or what people think of me. I care about what I can do, what I can control, how I can make a difference.

I don't care if I'm fat. I don't care if my students think I'm fair because I KNOW that I am more than fair; I am merciful. I realize what truly matters is being able to live with the decisions that I make. I realize that helping a single student secure a sense of accomplishment is well worth the BS that can bring me down.

My students are important, but I realize that what is most important is my relationships with my children. My home must be a refuge and place of peace. Hubby will learn this too... he has not suffered enough to get this yet. Better that he not understand; better that he not be forced to crave peace. Better that he not know that desperation for one area of life to be safe...

I know am I not alone. I know it will get better. I hope my body can keep up with my spirit.... I can do this. I know I can. Why is my blood pressure so high? Why can't I lose the extra weight? Please, let me be all that I want to be.... please let my body withstand and thrive as I tackle these challenges.

I've been more than 3 days without a cigarette. I wish I'd never picked one up. Darn if it didn't help me cope though.... Perhaps by conquering this nasty habit (restarted in June) I can get control of my eating and my life....

I wonder if these bad habits are crutches we are given to help us limp through the crazy tough times? I forgive myself though I hate to admit this fault... a girl can only do her best. A crutch in the storm is not so bad... It would be nice if the storm passed.... I must get stronger so that I do not need crutches.

More than 4 days without a cigarette.... I am proud. Pray that I can conquer this and my weight. I want to make a difference in this world before I leave it....

July

Happiness is making dinner for the family and having the time to eat together. Happiness is also a snugly puppy! It has been so hectic this past year (you can tell by the lack of time spent blogging!).

I am happy to report that life is good. Hubby is narrowing down his 2nd career choices again so this makes me happy. I want him to love his job and not just tolerate it. He will be taking a class this fall -- YAY! Wonder boy is in a happy place as is Super Girl -- they are loving lazy summer days.... wish they were more motivated but we will get there (I hope!).

The pugs are happy and healthy and I picked up another rescue pup -- perhaps she is a fox terrier? Not sure. She is tiny, cute, and sweet!

My best friend's divorce and property settlement are finally final!

I'm working for the family business in the summer to make ends meet (another blessing!).

Dad is much healthier - what a blessing that we still have him! We have come so far from last year (pretend I linked it, I'm in a lazy mood and so I hope you forgive me). The nieces and nephews are doing well.

Things are really crazy hectic between family, 2 jobs, etc. etc. etc..... but I like a hectic life.

September will be the next mammogram. I had another sleep study and needed cpap adjustments so I'm hoping to sleep better soon! I swear it has been a festival of doctor visits (don't put them off, it sucks when they pile up). I had a good ultrasound and now get to have a D&C due to crazy periods. Lets just say nobody needs 2 weeks of this kind of joy. It's a bitch getting old :-)

The blood pressure is still too high so I'm having to be a low salt person now. 2200 mg per day? Really? Pain is bad, I think losing weight would help... so I'm eating salad again. Need to lose weight to help pain and blood pressure. My doctor scolded me to work the plan... I know what to do and just need to do it. It stinks when you know what you should do and just struggle to DO IT. I wish I didn't love food.

My goals for the rest of the summer are: vacation time with the kids (a week and a long weekend), declutter the house, lesson plan September and November, get that D&C, get new glasses, clean out closets, housebreak the puppy, read a book for pleasure, paint a picture (I don't paint :), do some professional development for school, read ahead for the class I'm taking this fall, get together with friends.

Why is the summer passing so fast???

Summer!

I am excited -- I get to sleep in tomorrow! It is has not yet sunk in that I have survived my first year teaching. I have learned so much... my mind will not shut off on things I want to do (and do differently) next year! I miss my students already!

My chronic pain has been bad... hopefully getting more rest will help. It is so strange how pain can be ignored when you are crazy busy and then once things calm down it rears it's ugly head. I swear the moment I start to relax I feel the pain so much more. I wonder if this is normal for pain people? It seems to be my normal. It makes relaxing feel like a bad idea almost.... almost!

I'm sad that Hubby will not be able to take off for the 4th.... I hate vacationing without him. It feels so lonely.

My doctor did not agree to the MRI to put my worries to rest on the breast issues. It appears the lump is benign..... but the calcifications in the mammogram need to cook a bit longer. We are in the watch and wait mode. Apparently you get to see them light up your films and then you get to wait 6 months to see what they will do. I have 3 more months to let them grow since their first appearance. According to all current research this wait does not impact the five year survival rate.

To be perfectly honest I would be happy to have a double mastectomy right now. I'm sick of cysts, bumps, lumps, and scans. My breasts have become my enemies and I'd be happier without them. It wouldn't be so bad to have a removal and replacement. I know it sounds crazy, but there is a lot to be said for peace of mind.

I'm enjoying Super Girl and Wonder Boy hitting the teen stage.... how did my babies get this old?

Relief

The lump is benign.

I am relieved.

I still had an abnormal mammogram and will have to go back for testing in 6 months. This is fine.

I am grateful.

Wow am I tired.

I wish my pain was a little better right now but I'm very grateful -- I love teaching!

Tomorrow

So, it has been quite a long week. Tomorrow is my 2nd opinion and I'm a bit freaked out tonight as I wait for tomorrow to come. Somehow Tom Petty is right, the waiting is the hardest part. I think I can cope with any outcome - I just need someone to point me in the right direction and I'll start marching.

I've been super grumpy all week. I hate when I'm like this..... the good news is that I should get immediate results on my mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow. I hope that 24 hours from now I'm writing a happy post. I feel so frustrated that I can't trust the good news I got on the biopsy.... but how can you trust the doctor if he asks you if he is doing the biopsy on the right lump? Hello? It feels like a bag of marbles to me, shouldn't you be the guy who knows what to do since your huge core biopsy needle is ultrasound guided? Um hello? WTF? How can you ask me such a question?? My response what "You tell me!"

I'm glad I've got my care in the hands of specialists tomorrow. I will be glad to know what is going on....

2nd Opinion

Well, I am disappointed. I was hoping that my mammogram schedule for 3 months from now was good enough. Getting the call that the radiologists and doctor would like me to come in for a "closer look" is a bit of a bummer. This indicates I was right to seek a 2nd opinion. My situation is not cut and dried. Whatever. Not looking forward to this but doing what is necessary. Can't I just be boring? I admit it; this is stressful.

I will be so much happier knowing the next step. As usual, the waiting is the hardest part.

In Storage

It is frustrating to have to wait for your records to be taken out of storage. My breast lump second opinion must wait for the previous mammogram x-rays to come out of storage; this is taking an extra week and a half because of the timing of my request. I can see why it would save money and time if as a nation we digitized our medical records. It would save me from having to take extra time off work as well. I don't like taking time away from school and would have liked to have gotten this done during a scheduled day off school.

So, if given a chance to mandate this change through a vote, I'm in! Let's digitize our records so that our caregivers have access to what they need to help us. Imagine the possibilities for diagnosis and treatment when our physicians have our medical histories (and x-rays!) at their fingertips!

For now I'll wait another week with this lump in my breast. I will use this time to make substitute plans for the day off work I will need to take due to my records being in storage. Ugh. I hate missing school.

Waiting.

If you had a lump and a biopsy deemed it benign, would you still want it removed?

What if you had multiple lumps?

What if they biopsied just one of those lumps? Could you resist the worry that the one biopsy will miss the real issue?

Would you be able to sleep at night without worrying about if the biopsy was done on the correct lump??? Ugh. Uncertainty sucks.

So the one biopsy IS good, and I do celebrate this.... what about the other lump? Why didn't they take more samples? Why are my breasts ticking time bombs?

I hate this part of being a woman. I can handle the verdict, I can't handle the waiting.

As Tom Petty says, "The waiting is the hardest part."

Egads!

Contact dermatitis. Hello, sounds somewhat innocent, but let me tell you! It is not! I don't know what it is that I'm allergic to, but darn it, I'm allergic to something!

I am on round 3 of this icky yucky itch. My doctor was al about prescribing steroids, but the real issue is that I must learn what the heck it is that I need to avoid. If you can tell me about the vine in my last post I will bow to your horticulture genius.

I'll admit it, life is crazy enough... I do not need itchy madness!!!!! Can I just say that Calomine does not do the trick?

On th bright side of things I am learning TONS in my masters classes. I'm working my ass off, but I'm learning a ton. Yay for learning!

BTW --- GO WINGS!!!!

C-Diff has staying power

WARNING -- C-diff is nasty, don't read further if you are faint of heart.... links carry this warning as well.

What I am finding through this c-diff drama following my Dad's surgery (and unfortunate complications) is that I know more than the doctors. Hello? Do they not research? I've done more reading of the CDC bulletins that my dad's primary care physician and she specializes in geriatric care. It is a good thing I do research and make suggestions! What the heck?

My dad has lost 40 pounds in the last month. He is down to about 5-7 episodes of diarrhea a day vs. the 15-20. He is on his second round of antibiotics. He is eating more finally. He has horrible cramps and is tired and miserable. I know progress is measured week by week, but watching him suffer for such a length of time is difficult. Staying over his house to watch over him is a blessing as we have become closer than ever. I appreciate the gift that he is in my life. I love his fight and humor. I hate watching him suffer like this. He makes surgical recovery look easy but c-diff recovery sometimes feels impossible. It has been 3 weeks. The nurse (who comes to the house) says it will likely be 3 more.... perhaps there is a light at the end of this tunnel?

I'm worn down and tired. Starting grad school, juggling Dad's health care, working, having my own family, dealing with siblings (who are being great for the most part!).... it is all going well, but it is very draining. I'm grateful though -- it IS all going well.

On a brighter note, my sister and I have had HILARIOUS conversations since Pamela's comment on the Grey's Anatomy treatment for c-diff (fecal transplant). We have decided to nominate the older brother to be the donor if it comes to this -- his wife is a great cook and he has the best diet. We giggle endlessly at this option. Not too mature, I admit it. But if you can't laugh where are you in life? We are not right... I know. Should push come to shove, I will let my sister suggest it and my brother donate to the cause...

Dad is making progress. I know he is getting better since he was my knight in shining armour who slayed the evil bee (or wasp?) that threatened me this morning. I'm allergic so I always shudder loudly when I see a bee or wasp.... he got up, grabbed a magazine, and smashed the bugger. My hero! I am always afraid to take them on knowing that I don't carry an epi pen. He must be getting better if he can muster the energy to save me! Thanks for the prayers!

We have a new addition to our household! More soon!

Wow!

Time sure is flying!

I'll admit it -- I see the difference between grad school and undergraduate... More is required (as it should be...) I simply may have to do this one class at a time vs. two.... there is a fine line between what is worth working on and what is taking too much of my time (as a working mom of two!). I like how this program is making me think. I hope all of the professors are as good as the one I have now.

My baby turns 12 this coming weekend.... how did Wonder Boy get this old? He is still a snugly loving boy... though he is sometimes too cool to deal with Mom. I am sometimes grateful that he understand and appreciates sarcasm... and then again sometimes not. Wish I didn't have to host the family party with my inlaws for the Febrary birthdays... must clean the house this week and I'm a bit tired to jump into that!!!

I went with Dad today and met with the vascular surgeon who will be repairing his Triple A (abdominal aortic aneurysm). This is round two (first surgery for the leaking ruptured AAA was just 6 years ago... at the time they could not do a full replacement as this was an emergency surgery). Lucky Dad! He gets to do this again! The upside is that he is scheduled to have the surgery a month from now... it will not be an emergency room drama this time.

Upon recovery we will then schedule the prostate surgery to remove the prostate due to the cancer. Again -- this is not a panic as it was caught early. You simply have to prioritize and the prostate is less life threatening than the AAA. I understand the term "sandwich generation" more than I could have appreciated previously.

Tomorrow I will testify in my best friend's divorce. The case is in arbitration. I hope my testimony makes a difference... I feel horrible for her kids and fear for her... her husband is an obsessive controlling stalker... perhaps we can be rich if we right the story of this divorce up as a Lifetime movie... we (my friend and I) could use the income!

Wonder Boy is doing much better in school. Medication was the right decision. I am thrilled to report he is happy and doing MUCH better in school.

Super Girl has not wanted to attend the last two school dances. She seems happy and has friends who attend but she does not want to participate. I'm at a loss to find out why she "doesn't feel like going." I hope all is well... I will keep checking in and listening... middle school was one of the worst times of my life... but as of yet she does not seem to want to share...

Hubby is attending classes & is still employed despite the horrible economy! He is better on the depression front and is not too annoyed with me... I've been studying scripture and my faith. I realize that can be annoying for those who are not into it at this moment... All I know is that when I study the details of WHY Catholics believe this or that.. a LOT seems to make sense to me. I don't get ALL of it... but WOW am I growing a lot the more I read and research. We Catholics do not tend to read scripture... it is interesting to read and listen to converts. They appreciate and bring so much to my understanding of the faith in which I was brought up. Reading daily scripture seems to keep me much more centered on who I want to be vs. who I am. I have more patience to be the person I want to be... I think this is due to the effort I'm putting into what I read.

I wish I had more time to blog as of late... there are so many thoughts percolating in my mind!! Often it is in writing that I truly digest what is cooking in my mind.... I hope to post again soon but cannot promise this week... perhaps next? Thanks for hanging in there with me, cheering for us.. and praying for us! While we face some big challenges I find that I'm calmer than I would have been in the past. Faith helps.. optimism is not without a source.

It is cold and I'm looking forward to spring...

Benign!

Benign is such a beautiful word. I have learned that the worrisome spot that I had biopsied is BENIGN! YAY! I was worried because my normally optimistic dermatologist gave me less than super odds.... we play this game, he and I. As he cuts away a small piece of my flesh I act as if I'm not frightened and I ask him what are the odds it is malignant. Typically he will give me a less than 20% chance. Normally he says he is 90% certain that it is nothing. This last time he gave me 50/50. Then he asked if my cell phone number was in the chart. He then got my work and home numbers verified. Sure, I thought... you are not thinking 50/50! You are just being nice and telling me 50/50 so I won't FREAK!

I didn't freak. I waited patiently for my results. It took a week and my dear sweet dermatologist called me in the middle of dinner with the good news. BENIGN! YAY! I feel so blessed! I wish my dad had such relief.... his biopsy will happen in a few weeks. They decided to wait until after the holidays because he has to go off some of his medications. He will have another ultrasound but with a biopsy this time. I'm hoping is is nothing... Prostate cancer runs in families. My dad's brother has gone through 2 rounds of cancer treatment for prostate cancer.

We have 12 inches of snow that accumulated yesterday. It has begun again! Glad my husband handles the clearing of the walk! I had to shovel the back porch, steps, and an area out back yesterday for the dogs.... they couldn't go out until I cleared a path! You should have seen the pug.... she sunk so deep the snow made her pop back up in the air as it touched her pink little belly! The greyhound lept like a gazelle, the pug hopped like a bunny, and the kids and I nearly wet ourselves laughing as we watched them!

Tonight I finished decorating dad's house for the holidays. It is a lot of work but I am always so happy to see the house decorated the way my mom would have done it. My eye is not nearly as good as her's, but I try! I love looking at each ornament as we put them on the tree. My kids laughed as I told them to place my favorites on the FRONT of the tree. Tell me you don't do the same thing? I put the ugly to the back.... and the broken ones can still go up -- just turn it so it isn't noticeable! It is easier to decorate at dad's when he isn't home. Sometimes decorating is like making sausage -- the result is great but you don't want to watch the process!

Hoping you are taking time to enjoy the small wonders of the holiday season! Wishing you and yours the many blessings of the season. I know I enjoy it so much more now that I'm focused on making it nice for my kids and my dad. Funny how life is so much more fun when it isn't about me......

Biopsies & Cars

Biopsy seems to be the word of the week. I got mine yesterday -- a sun damaged spot on my upper back / shoulder / neck area. I only had to have a small number of stitches (3 I think?) but it pulls quite a bit when I move my right arm. Ew. I went to the dermatologist and he thought it best to biopsy -- being fair of skin I know that I must follow up on these things. Usually he gives me really favorable odds of it being nothing... this time he gave me a 50/50 shot on basal carcinoma and asked for my cell phone number. If it is caner it was caught early but he will have to do more surgery on the site. Wear your sunscreen! Protect your kids!

My Dad's doctor has ordered another ultrasound and biopsy based on the latest PSA test. I think they are being extra cautious because of what happened to my mom. I am fine with that -- I'm all about the "better safe than sorry" attitude.

Hubby is still driving the Hoopty while we wait for the power steering to go out. He thinks we will have to take it in to the shop so I'm putting it off as long as possible... wouldn't it be fun if the Hoopty just healed herself? I know -- I'm a dreamer :-)

My state is greatly impacted by all of the auto industry bridge loan stuff. If you are not tuned in to this issue, please realize these auto makers have been doing a TON of restructuring over the last 10 years. The cuts have been brutal -- many friends work in the industry and I can not tell you how frustrating it is to watch. When I see the financial markets get a "bail out" and the auto executives (who have been cutting like butchers) get scolded by arrogant congressmen. Well, it frustrates me to no end. This same congress allowed the financial markets to have money with no strings attached. Now they want to run auto companies and to tell CEO's who have done a great deal to keep afloat to step down? Please.

Special kudos to Ford who is trying to go without the loan. They have produced greener vehicles. They have improved quality and safety. They provided cars that were in demand -- converting everything to compact didn't make sense when nobody would buy it a few years ago. Sure, the consumer woke up to fuel efficiency once it stabbed us in the pocket book, but prior to recent times people didn't care about how much fuel it took to fill their SUV. Have you all forgotten that the Humvee became a road vehicle because of consumer demand? I never got why, but that was quite the status symbol for a time. They could not make them fast enough.

I guess my reason for blogging on this is to say, hey AMERICA! Pay attention! Buying American made cars keeps your fellow citizens employed, tax dollars rolling in, profits within your own country and prosperity to continue. Sure, there WERE quality issues in years past, but this is NOW and the auto makers ARE putting out a good product -- superior in many regards. PLEASE think when you make your purchases. There are fuel efficient AMERICAN vehicles you can buy to support your neighbors.

It comes down to whether or not you want to support your neighbor. Taking pride in American made products and purchasing them is supporting your own community. Please contact your congressmen and tell them at a minimum to pull their heads out of their asses. To scold the CEOs who are trying to keep your country strong and economy moving is unpardonable. To paint them the way they are being painted is unconscionable. I'm not saying they are perfect, but the auto industry is not the giant waste factory you are hearing about. Yes, union contracts need to be reviewed, but be realistic -- wage is a drop in the bucket on being competitive. The foreign car makers are often subsidized by their governments. America's automakers are NOT on an even playing field -- if we bought American this would not even matter.

I'm ranting.... I'm sorry.... it is just the arrogance of the Congress bringing me down as I watch people lose their homes. Call me crazy, but I think this is when we band together vs. throw stones and lay blame. I know, I'm crazy :-)

Tests / Crazy Stuff

Wouldn't you know that I don't have results yet on my heart testing from last week. Thankfully the welts are almost gone from my crazy skin reaction to the crazy adhesive used to hold the electrodes on my lovely chest (that's what Hubby tells me anyway, that it is lovely).

This weekend was heavy on the chest pain (insert heavy chested joke here). Not bad enough to seek medical attention, just kind of bad / uncomfortable. My problem is that I was forced to pay attention to how I felt and to watch for symptoms for the fabulous Holter Monitor Test. In watching for symptoms, I tuned back in to the noise that is my every day pain. As a result I had a really bad pain weekend -- because once I tuned back in on what is happening with me physically, I felt the pain that I have ignored for so long.

I've learned to live with pain by ignoring it. Paying attention to how I feel is generally a bad thing. A very bad thing. Tuning it out and living life is a good thing. Being forced acknowledge it makes it SO very much harder to tune it out. So I have felt my pain since Wednesday and I'm having a really hard time trying to block it back out. Once the cat is out of the bag....

I wonder if this makes any sense at all to anyone who has not lived with chronic pain?

On a very bright note, my friend (who I mentioned way back here) got great news! The much delayed psychological exam was done on her crazy husband and he IS for lack of a better term.... crazy. The recommendation is to not allow unsupervised visits with him. This is great news as we have truly feared for their safety during their visitations with that man. Now we must pray that she stays safe and he doesn't try anything crazy. Way too much crazy going on there.... and I wonder why I have chest pain. Couldn't be anxiety could it? ;-)

The weather was BEAUTIFUL today. I hope to escape to the water again soon. I need a sunset fix! The sunset here is one from winter here.... I could not believe how the clouds rolled and the light shone through the darkness... a bit of a metaphor for hopefulness huh?

/Can I just say that linking back to old posts from my black template days makes me crazy? The colors look like crap on the new happy white background. Ugh. If I went back through and fixed all of them I might go insane.... I would also drive any subscribers insane. Must resist urge to remove color.... must be strong.....

Better

I am in a better place than yesterday. Apparently my recent episode is bothering me more than I thought. I'm really glad it wasn't a stroke. I had one of those before... in 2002. Due to chronic pain from an auto accident my blood pressure increased to an unacceptable level and I had a mini stroke (a congenital heart defect caused the blood to pool funny in my heart forming a clot which strangely enough shot from my heart to my right hand).

After the mini stroke I lost feeling on the right side, had some vision issues, and lost some language and memory. I regained much of what was lost over time (vision and feeling first, lost words next, and eventually most memories... I think?) . I ended up having minor heart surgery (catheterization) to fix the issue and was good as gold. You can watch a video of it here. Pretty amazing stuff.

Everything was peachy until the recent hospitalization following ANOTHER blood clot that shot to my left hand.

I know.

What are the odds of me having 2 different blood clots that shot to my hand?

What are the odds of surviving random shooting clots? What are the odds? Someone tell me!

So when I had to wear the Holter Monitor, I got cranky. Yes, part of the issue was the itch from my reaction to the stupid tape used for the electrodes. I think the bigger issue for me yesterday was fear.

I am afraid.

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have more doctor visits. I don't want to have heart problems. I don't want blood clots. I don't want high blood pressure. I want to be a normal (almost) 40 year old.

I don't want to be the youngest patient on the stroke floor at the hospital. I just want to be healthy. I don't even have to look cute in a bathing suit. I just want to be healthy and active. I want to feel good and play sports with my kids. I want to live a long healthy life. I don't want to leave the party early like my mom did at the age of 63.

Wearing this Holter Monitor will tell the doctors if I have atrial fibrilation (the likely cause of this recent random clot). It would also increase my stroke risk 7 times that of a person without an atrial fibrilation issue. I don't want another stroke. My last one was minor and it sucked. I admit it, I am scared.

I am scared but I need to get over it. So my pity party is over. Who has time for that? Tomorrow I will go back to pondering what kind of fabulous plan God must have for me. You know I'm meant to do something fabulous if I could dodge major damage twice from random shooting blood clots.

Perhaps I will do something amazing.... I must be meant to do something great because I'm still here!

And tomorrow will be a beautiful day because I can get rid of these darn wires hooked to my chest. Yeah, I know it is a hot look, but seriously......

Cranky.

Got my holter monitor today and I'm ashamed to bitch about it, (because I'm damn lucky to be here) but I will bitch anyway. The flipping holster broke during my business lunch so I ended up with the wire and monitor in my lap just before salad was served. Nothing like feeling professional. I had to drive all the way back out to hospital for another (all the while stressing over the fact I broke the thing). They replaced it, apparently this happens all the time ("Hope you didn't have to drive too far.")

By late afternoon the itching was intense. They used this sandpaper type stuff to scratch up my skin so the electrode adhesive would stick. Then they tape the things over to ensure they don't fall off but still itch like a bitch. WTF? Is this part of what they are monitoring? If I will go INSANE from itching? I have sensitive skin, forgive me already. Can't you medical bastards come up with something the doesn't itch or rip my flipping skin off?

I have to keep a log of symptoms and times (as well as when I eat and sleep; thankfully they did not tell me I have to record my bathroom visits). I believe in due time I will record that the itching made me insane. I think I like pain better than itching. Try resisting the scratch because you know it will mess up your 48 hour heart test. Mess up the test and you start the process over again. What kind of sick bastard thought up this torture?

I took my walk tonight but had to stop because I was sweating and was afraid my electrodes would fall off. Then I had to give myself a sponge bath because I can't shower until this is over. Freaking great. At least the temperature is lower than last week.

At 9:45 I logged my glass of wine. Red wine. Heart smart. That will show those bastards.

Okay, I will stop now......

Fun and Games

I've been reading up on atrial fibrillation and am a little more freaked out about the recent hospital stay. I realize now more than ever that I am quite the lucky girl. It is time for me to lower blood pressure, lose weight, get in shape, and improve my eating. Nothing like fear as a motivator! I’ve turned over a new leaf this week – hopefully my momentum will continue!

I am also desperately trying to reduce stress. At least now I have something to back me when I ask my loud family to calm it the heck down. When in the hospital we played a game while watching my heart monitor -- when we discussed happy things my heart rate lowered to the low 70s. Discuss something that stresses me and it went to about 100 beats per minute (yes, that is at rest with no physical activity).

Needless to say, I need to chill out! I do think it was pretty funny though – Wonder Boy got a kick out of manipulating my heart rate with conversation. Super Girl just cracked up. I was relieved to see they liked me better in my happy place. We also played with respiration -- under 7 breaths a minute sets off cool and entertaining alarms! My sleep apnea set of alarms too. Apparently I'm an alarming type of girl. The nurses knew what we were up to by our laughter… but you should have seen them come running when my sleep apnea set off alarms. Not only was I startled by the alarms, it is a little shocking to have a nurse bust in the room to check your breathing.

They knew I was okay… but had to check just in case. I apologized repeatedly for freaking them out. Because the fear was another clot in the heart my room was right next to the intensive care unit… my unit was monitored beds and I was the most active patient there (it reminded me of when I was the liveliest one on the stroke floor a few years ago). I was a favorite patient since I had a sense of humor and could care for myself. If it were not for the blood draws every 6 hours and constant neuro and vital sign checks I would have enjoyed the stay more.

The blood draws got old by the fourth day. My arms are a festival of bruises and you’d think I was a battered woman. I’ve been forced to use tanning lotion since coming home to hide the lighter ones. There is nothing that can be done about the monster bruises from veins that blew out…. You can’t wear long sleeves in 90 degree weather either! A small price to pay in my opinion, but always a conversation starter!

Reading up on things has me realizing sleep apnea contributes to atrial fibrillation (which can lead to clots and strokes). If anyone you know isn't monitoring their sleep apnea, be sure to pester them. Okay, off my soap box. My holter monitor test starts Tuesday. I wonder how long it takes to get results after?

Back Home!

Good news -- I had the T.E.E. (Transesophageal echocardiogram) and there was no blood clot mass hanging out in my heart. I was sent home last night while still quite out of it due to the anesthesia. I think that anesthesiologist is my new best friend -- I have zero memory of the procedure. I also feel kinship toward the cardiologist who performed the test since my throat is not nearly as damaged as the last time I had this done. Sure, my throat is sore -- this is puppy chow compared with the horror that I remembered from last time.

I will now have to wear a holter monitor so that my doctor might learn what is going on with me. For now I'm just grateful that I was sent home with the aspirin a day regimen vs. having to go on a blood thinner.

I'm very grateful that this little episode wasn't any worse. I was told I could have had a stroke. I also could have lost fingers due to the blood clot. I'm glad I didn't! I was given a pass to take a few days off work -- I will take full advantage and rest. It is amazing how little sleep I could get in the hospital. I fell asleep on the couch when I got home yesterday and didn't even wake when my kids came home from the inlaws.

Now to work on losing weight and lowing my blood pressure.....

Ow.

So yesterday I was all about relaxing and getting focused going into today's interview. My plan was to read through sample interview question and to relax with a glass of wine. I opened the refrigerator door and of all the crazy things, I had the overloaded door shelf fall on my big toe! Yowie! Then, a random bottle of salad dressing leaps out and smacks the top of my other foot. OW. Can you say NOT HAPPY?

Needless to say I iced it (the toe), but that big toe is not liking me much right now. It throbbed all night. I can not wear my low professional heels I'd planned to wear today. I'm hoping to get into my really cute professional flats. Can you imagine? Maybe I should attend my big fat job interview in bunny slippers! You have to admit it -- this is funny. The night before the interview of all nights? I may not be lucky in a lot of things, but at least I'm lucky in love!

On the bright side, I've decided my kidney stone must have dissolved on its own. YAY! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! Hopefully my job interview will take care of itself too. Either way -- I'm gaining experience at teaching interviews and that is a good thing! May your toes be safe today!

Sleep well.....

George Carlin brought the funny every time he took the stage. I will miss him but know his voice will be entertaining the masses on the other side. May he have been in heaven an hour before the devil knew he was dead....

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Sorry for the blog neglect... Every time I think I must have finally finished with the kidney stone the pain returned. Not fun. I got a call for a teaching interview last Monday! I scurried all week to prepare my portfolio only to have them call me back to cancel. Apparently they had found the PERFECT candidate and were canceling the remaining interviews. Little do they realize they missed out on the better than perfect candidate! I'm the candidate that would work harder than the rest. I have convinced myself this is their loss. Thank goodness I already have a paying job!

My next interview is TOMORROW! I got another call and I'm back in the saddle again. Hopefully I will be impressive. At least my outfit and portfolio are ready!

We are not sleeping well here. Hubby's depression had spawned anxiety -- not fun when he has dreams of martial arts attackers. Guess who got hit twice last week? I am NOT a ninja darn it!!!!