As I age...

I realize what is important. I don't really care about how I look or what people think of me. I care about what I can do, what I can control, how I can make a difference.

I don't care if I'm fat. I don't care if my students think I'm fair because I KNOW that I am more than fair; I am merciful. I realize what truly matters is being able to live with the decisions that I make. I realize that helping a single student secure a sense of accomplishment is well worth the BS that can bring me down.

My students are important, but I realize that what is most important is my relationships with my children. My home must be a refuge and place of peace. Hubby will learn this too... he has not suffered enough to get this yet. Better that he not understand; better that he not be forced to crave peace. Better that he not know that desperation for one area of life to be safe...

I know am I not alone. I know it will get better. I hope my body can keep up with my spirit.... I can do this. I know I can. Why is my blood pressure so high? Why can't I lose the extra weight? Please, let me be all that I want to be.... please let my body withstand and thrive as I tackle these challenges.

I've been more than 3 days without a cigarette. I wish I'd never picked one up. Darn if it didn't help me cope though.... Perhaps by conquering this nasty habit (restarted in June) I can get control of my eating and my life....

I wonder if these bad habits are crutches we are given to help us limp through the crazy tough times? I forgive myself though I hate to admit this fault... a girl can only do her best. A crutch in the storm is not so bad... It would be nice if the storm passed.... I must get stronger so that I do not need crutches.

More than 4 days without a cigarette.... I am proud. Pray that I can conquer this and my weight. I want to make a difference in this world before I leave it....

July

Happiness is making dinner for the family and having the time to eat together. Happiness is also a snugly puppy! It has been so hectic this past year (you can tell by the lack of time spent blogging!).

I am happy to report that life is good. Hubby is narrowing down his 2nd career choices again so this makes me happy. I want him to love his job and not just tolerate it. He will be taking a class this fall -- YAY! Wonder boy is in a happy place as is Super Girl -- they are loving lazy summer days.... wish they were more motivated but we will get there (I hope!).

The pugs are happy and healthy and I picked up another rescue pup -- perhaps she is a fox terrier? Not sure. She is tiny, cute, and sweet!

My best friend's divorce and property settlement are finally final!

I'm working for the family business in the summer to make ends meet (another blessing!).

Dad is much healthier - what a blessing that we still have him! We have come so far from last year (pretend I linked it, I'm in a lazy mood and so I hope you forgive me). The nieces and nephews are doing well.

Things are really crazy hectic between family, 2 jobs, etc. etc. etc..... but I like a hectic life.

September will be the next mammogram. I had another sleep study and needed cpap adjustments so I'm hoping to sleep better soon! I swear it has been a festival of doctor visits (don't put them off, it sucks when they pile up). I had a good ultrasound and now get to have a D&C due to crazy periods. Lets just say nobody needs 2 weeks of this kind of joy. It's a bitch getting old :-)

The blood pressure is still too high so I'm having to be a low salt person now. 2200 mg per day? Really? Pain is bad, I think losing weight would help... so I'm eating salad again. Need to lose weight to help pain and blood pressure. My doctor scolded me to work the plan... I know what to do and just need to do it. It stinks when you know what you should do and just struggle to DO IT. I wish I didn't love food.

My goals for the rest of the summer are: vacation time with the kids (a week and a long weekend), declutter the house, lesson plan September and November, get that D&C, get new glasses, clean out closets, housebreak the puppy, read a book for pleasure, paint a picture (I don't paint :), do some professional development for school, read ahead for the class I'm taking this fall, get together with friends.

Why is the summer passing so fast???

Holding Hands

The other day I read an interesting article in the newspaper. It was all about holding hands. The article said that a study has shown that holding hands reduces stress. Women were especially affected – heart rates were reduced even when holding the hand of a concerned male stranger. The article went on to say that even pain was reduced when women held the hand of a man – especially one who they had a deep emotional connection to, such as a husband. I marveled aloud to my family, “Can you believe this? WOW!”

Wonder Boy’s response? “Duh Mom, that isn’t news.” Ah, the wisdom of the 11 year old.

Here I was wondering at the simple comfort of hand holding and my son was wondering what was wrong with me that I was so dazzled by this news. Okay, it DOES make sense when you think about it…. but I had not stopped to think about it. I had at times thought about how I missed the hand holding of dating… I missed having Hubby reach for my hand while we walk… I know the love is there, but 15 years of marriage later do we show it publicly? Maybe not so much… We are more so now that we started making the effort to have more dates – time with just us. Amazing how you are more demonstrative when you are not keeping the tweens from arguing with each other.

Later that day we went to church. I had forgotten about the article. My pain was pretty bad… apparently the change of season and excessive driving I’ve been doing has really caught up to me. My chronic pain in my neck, back, arms and hands can be minor or it can be major… lately pain is more than distracting.

As we sat at church listening to the reader, Wonder Boy reached out and took my hand. He held it in both of his hands. My little man warmed my hand with his and I smiled. I looked over at him and felt a surge of happiness. He knew I was in pain (my face shows it even when I don’t say it apparently). He was holding my hand because he wanted me to feel better. He held my hand through most of mass. I squeezed his hand and was so grateful that he is my child. He has such a tenderness and warmth… When you feel this much love it strengthens your faith… How can something as great as love exist by accident?

I felt so blessed to have love in my life. The love for my family and their love for me – these are not things I take for granted.

Even thinking back about this hand holding makes me feel warm and happy. I guess the study is right….

“Duh Mom.”

Fun and Games

I've been reading up on atrial fibrillation and am a little more freaked out about the recent hospital stay. I realize now more than ever that I am quite the lucky girl. It is time for me to lower blood pressure, lose weight, get in shape, and improve my eating. Nothing like fear as a motivator! I’ve turned over a new leaf this week – hopefully my momentum will continue!

I am also desperately trying to reduce stress. At least now I have something to back me when I ask my loud family to calm it the heck down. When in the hospital we played a game while watching my heart monitor -- when we discussed happy things my heart rate lowered to the low 70s. Discuss something that stresses me and it went to about 100 beats per minute (yes, that is at rest with no physical activity).

Needless to say, I need to chill out! I do think it was pretty funny though – Wonder Boy got a kick out of manipulating my heart rate with conversation. Super Girl just cracked up. I was relieved to see they liked me better in my happy place. We also played with respiration -- under 7 breaths a minute sets off cool and entertaining alarms! My sleep apnea set of alarms too. Apparently I'm an alarming type of girl. The nurses knew what we were up to by our laughter… but you should have seen them come running when my sleep apnea set off alarms. Not only was I startled by the alarms, it is a little shocking to have a nurse bust in the room to check your breathing.

They knew I was okay… but had to check just in case. I apologized repeatedly for freaking them out. Because the fear was another clot in the heart my room was right next to the intensive care unit… my unit was monitored beds and I was the most active patient there (it reminded me of when I was the liveliest one on the stroke floor a few years ago). I was a favorite patient since I had a sense of humor and could care for myself. If it were not for the blood draws every 6 hours and constant neuro and vital sign checks I would have enjoyed the stay more.

The blood draws got old by the fourth day. My arms are a festival of bruises and you’d think I was a battered woman. I’ve been forced to use tanning lotion since coming home to hide the lighter ones. There is nothing that can be done about the monster bruises from veins that blew out…. You can’t wear long sleeves in 90 degree weather either! A small price to pay in my opinion, but always a conversation starter!

Reading up on things has me realizing sleep apnea contributes to atrial fibrillation (which can lead to clots and strokes). If anyone you know isn't monitoring their sleep apnea, be sure to pester them. Okay, off my soap box. My holter monitor test starts Tuesday. I wonder how long it takes to get results after?

Back Home!

Good news -- I had the T.E.E. (Transesophageal echocardiogram) and there was no blood clot mass hanging out in my heart. I was sent home last night while still quite out of it due to the anesthesia. I think that anesthesiologist is my new best friend -- I have zero memory of the procedure. I also feel kinship toward the cardiologist who performed the test since my throat is not nearly as damaged as the last time I had this done. Sure, my throat is sore -- this is puppy chow compared with the horror that I remembered from last time.

I will now have to wear a holter monitor so that my doctor might learn what is going on with me. For now I'm just grateful that I was sent home with the aspirin a day regimen vs. having to go on a blood thinner.

I'm very grateful that this little episode wasn't any worse. I was told I could have had a stroke. I also could have lost fingers due to the blood clot. I'm glad I didn't! I was given a pass to take a few days off work -- I will take full advantage and rest. It is amazing how little sleep I could get in the hospital. I fell asleep on the couch when I got home yesterday and didn't even wake when my kids came home from the inlaws.

Now to work on losing weight and lowing my blood pressure.....

Deep Breathing...

Okay, I really did need to vent in that last post -- but contrary to how I seemed, I am not about to jump off the ledge. I am now going to stare at this sunset and do some deep breathing to lower my blood pressure and thus avoid stroking out. (Yes, it isn't quite under control yet... wonder why?).

I will learn someday to only stress over that which I can personally control..... someday I will learn this darn it!

Back to my sunset.... back to deep breathing...

(Yes, deep breathing helps, especially if you follow steps 5 through 8).

Is he trying to kill me? Am I too controlling?? UGH!

I'm driving my dear sweet Hubby insane. He did not get his thank you letters out quickly after his big interviews.

How do you not? Especially when I gave him my templates to edit and use! He doesn't see it with the same sense of urgency as I do. He is overly tired from working overnight and needs to just TRUST ME on this stuff!

Our friend who works for the company told him that his interviews went well and that the boss would likely call on Monday with an offer. This lulled my dear Hubby into submission and he didn't get on the stick with completing the thank you notes. That is simply lazy and makes me NUTS! I finally kicked him in the pants and he is driving the letters over this morning. Tuesday morning. Interviews were Friday. I would have driven them over FRIDAY AFTERNOON. The male sense of urgency does not appear to match the female sense of urgency here.

Am I insane? If you want the job (and he REALLY wants the job), why would you not set yourself apart by demonstrating a sense of urgency and initiative through timely thank you letters (which describe why you are the perfect candidate for the gig)??????

Then I think -- this must be his sneaky way of trying to kill me.

/Yes, I know I'm a control freak. But am I crazy????? He's been working at a crap job for 8 months and has not been paid a decent wage (family business died) in at least two years. I think I'm gonna have another stroke if he does not get this job. You know it will make me crazy.

Back to staring at the phone........ How many times have I said that?

Thanks and Updates

First, thank you! All of the comments on The Big Red Bowl made me really happy. It is nice to know that what struck a chord with me struck one with you. It is a blessing to use the treasures and feel loved daily. Comments are a huge blessing too -- they are appreciated!

Hubby is still sending out resumes. I'm struggling with the budget. I need to make more painful cuts because we are still in the BIG TIME red. I can see how people can get into real trouble really fast when one person loses their job (or in our case works for free longer than he should have because it was for family). Live and learn. I continue to hope and pray the clouds clear soon. His depression has lifted and he is making a good effort. Something needs to break...

Wonder Boy and Super Girl are 11 and 12 now. I'm wondering about summer daycare / camp. They are too young to be alone, but too old for many of the programs (at least they think they are!). I'm considering having a sitter come at noon until 5 daily. They would not be allowed to leave or cook without the sitter. My thinking is that they lounge around reading and watching some TV until noon anyway... They also get along great for the first half of the day. All battles seem to occur after 3pm. Hmmmm...... have to do more thinking on this. I'm fine with them being home alone for short periods. I was alone at a much younger age. They are good kids. But my overprotective side rears up to fight this trusting impulse..... My friends stay at home or have grandparents help.

UGH! This is one of the many times I wish I was a stay at home mom. We would have SO much fun together! Picture us in our kitchen doing our cooking show -- we even talk to our studio audience and the folks at home! One of these days we will have to video tape it so we can always remember our silliness.

Wonder Boy has his sleep study this week. Like mother like son? My poor baby! It is sad that I doom them genetically!

The Pug: she is healing slowly. It is hard forcing her to take it easy... she is hyper by nature.

My blood pressure is back up. Wonder why? ;-) This too shall pass, but I do need to look into getting back to the doctor and doing a better job reducing the salt intake.

I have 3 more weeks of school and then I'll be certified to teach! I can not wait to be done, I need some free time! I'm likely not looking for a teaching job until next year though.... teaching would be a pay cut and I can't take one of those until Hubby is making more money. A dream deferred does not die...

Like the image? It says it all. See the artist's work here.

Tidbits

I'm losing my mind with my lack of home computer internet. I miss being able to download and upload my photos. I miss blogging at home. I hope to make room in the budget for computer repair this month. For now I'm posting from work - thus I'm posting much less.

Here are some updates on some of the many things I've blogged about -- wish there were time for full posts....

- My best friend (who's breast lump turned out to be benign! YAY!) was scheduled in court today for an emergency custody hearing. Her soon to be Ex-Hubby is insane. His lawyer called and canceled for no reason 15 minutes before the hearing. It amazes me how an evil person can manipulate the justice sister. I am scared of him and he is allowing shady characters around their 4 kids. Pray for them -- they need it. I just wish he'd stop using the kids to get back at her. I wish he would take the high road, but he is staying on the low one. How do you not take your 3 year old to his speech therapy / special education? How is such a basic need disregarded? What is more important than your children? UGH! Please pray for them. He needs help too. Long stories, not enough time.

- Classes: I love my classes this semester. It will be so strange to be DONE at the end of April. Working full time and taking classes at night has been my routine since 2001. Getting teaching certification has taken more than 80 credit hours (I already had a degree too!). Student teaching showed me the effort has been well worth it. I can't wait to be a teacher!

- Pain: It is better than it was. Acupuncture and the chiropractor help -- I never would have believed that either of these "witchcraft" therapies could help. Funny when a skeptic becomes a convert....

- Dental and Optical -- holy cow. Between the two we have dropped $1600 this month. Note to self, do not put this stuff off & DON'T schedule them for the whole family in the same month!!!

- Employment: Hubby is still looking for gainful employment. Overnight work for $9 per hour is not enough to live on. I hope something breaks for him soon -- though I'm afraid to hope with this state's economy.

- Wonder Boy and Super Girl: I love my kids so much. They have a snow day today and I'm wishing I was home with them (poor hubby will not get to sleep much today). They are both in Tae Kwan Do and LOVE it. I'm convinced that any physical activity is good and will eat Macaroni and Cheese for every meal rather than not having room for it in my budget.

Super Girl still needs to finish adjusting to middle school in terms of stepping up academics. She is capable but lazy due to lack of interest. When she cares she is brilliant but she plays dumb. UGH -- why do girls think it is cool to pretend to be dumb in this society? Also -- why does PMS last 24/7 in an 11 year old?

Wonder Boy is in love with Hannah Montana / Miley. He has cut out pictures of all of his favorites and tapes them all over his room. It looks like high school musical threw up in there. He is happy, I am grateful.

Blood Pressure: Can I just say that a low salt diet is exceedingly difficult when you have always considered salty snacks a mainstay food group? Despite eating healthier and drinking less, my weight remains way too high. It needs to warm up so I can add walking to my mix of daily activities. I will keep trying. I am eating more of good things and less of bad. Hopefully things will improve soon. The medication has lowered the blood pressure, but I want to do it without medication if I can.

Money: Financially things are pretty crazy ugly for us... but this too shall pass. We are at negative equity on the home most likely due to

Depression: Mine is improving because Hubby has improved some. Still fighting the good fight.

Inlaws: They have been better behaved lately. I admit to jealousy at the moment as they have left our frozen landscape for their winter vacation in Florida. How is it that they didn't have money to pay my husband and yet they have money to take a Florida winter vacation again this year? It seems to me that his 20 years of labor should allow him some of the profits... but alas, they do not see it this way. As far as they are concerned they owe him nothing. I don't care if there are staying with her brother -- driving across that many states and vacationing in FLA still costs a lot of money. Whatever... I am trying not to be bitter.

Sister's Controlling Hubby: As much as his controlling behavior makes me nervous, nothing has escalated. He still manipulates and guilt trips her, but I think she is recognizing it and standing up for herself more. Maybe this is just part of the settling in of the first few years of marriage. I hope so.

Life is good. I love my family and enjoy my friends. I'm hopeful for the future. I'm grateful for what we have. There are many things going well and I appreciate that.

So, that is the news from Camp Grim Reality. We are happy campers who will play indoors while it rains!

120/74

The medication is working. My blood pressure is lower. My internet is not working at home and this makes my blood pressure higher :-) I am forced to take a break from blogville. I can not wait to have my computer working again so I can go back to downloading my pictures and updating my blog!

I have been down with the winter respiratory illness that seems to be doing around. It is nice to walk among the living again! My pain has been somewhat manageable since the acupuncture. I missed it this week due to illness but will be going back. Today I can actually breathe through my nose! YIPPEE!! I am also pleased as Hubby seems to be more hopeful. There is talk of a job interview (he is trying to get a job through a friend). With this talk he seems more hopeful and I'm thrilled to see the dark cloud lift a bit.

Financially we were saved from ruin by my Christmas bonus. I am sad to see that it is used up, but we are now out of trouble with the creditors and the kids have had their teeth cleaned and sealed. They also got eye exams and glasses. I hate putting off these basic things due to lack of funds. How fun it was to get it all taken care of! It will be nice when Hubby has a better paying job -- I've learned to be thrifty so one we get into a positive cash flow I'll be excited to pay down more credit cards. Too bad we can't refinance the house at a lower mortgage rate. Oh well -- you can't have it all!!

My goodness! I miss my classroom and students. I am working on my other teaching requirements. I have to take the state certification tests and get CPR trained. I am submitting necessary paperwork... some day! I will get there!

Blood Pressure - Yikers!

So, what's up with my high blood pressure? I have always been in the range of 110/70. On my last three checks it was in the range of 140/90 to 140/110. Most recently is was the 140/110. No wonder I've had some pounding headaches as of late. The cause? I'm overweight and addicted to salt. Add a dose of stress and a lack of exercise and..... Viola! We have high blood pressure.

I have been put on a low salt diet and a water pill. My doctor agreed with my plan for weight loss (portion size, better choices) and exercise (starting with walking and vamping up as I feel well enough from my pain issues). Stress reduction is not realistic at this time, but how I manage stress is improving. I'm considering yoga and am doing more prayer. High blood pressure is known as the "Silent Killer." I have no desire to be silently killed. The last thing I need is a heart attack or stroke as I finally finish my last semester of classes for teaching certification.

I'm hoping the medicine makes a quick difference so that I feel good and WANT to exercise again. For now I'm getting some extra walking in as I run to the bathroom! The air is too cold for walking outside -- but I sure am tearing up a path to the office bathroom! It is slightly embarrassing.....

Misc. updates on life (since my home internet hates me right now I will give bullet points vs. detailed entries filled with angst and mirth.... sorry!):
- My best friend's ugly divorce has gotten uglier.
- The husband has allowed unsavory characters around the kids. One came to school and yelled at the 2nd grader who then wet his pants. How can someone do that to a little kid? It makes me sick.
- My (evil) sister's controlling hubby is still controlling and she is now facing the angst of having to deal with inlaw daycare and grandparents not following her wishes. Yikes. Ugly. My (Evil) sister and I are getting along much better. It has been a long road, but now I when I call her my evil sister it is with a smile instead of out of pain. Hopefully her husband will step to the plate and stand up to his parents.
- Hubby's resume is complete and posted. It has been sent out. He even went to a job fair! Pray for his success, he is frustrated since his 2 sister, a brother inlaw, and my best friends have all gotten jobs and he has not. I keep trying to get him to talk about where he is going vs. where he is or where he has been. I think to be able to make a change you must be forward looking and optimistic vs. downtrodden and disappointed. I mean that you have to be this way with EVERYONE not just on interviews. Why would your friends try to help you network if you are sounding like Eeyore? I think he is starting to get it that jobs come through networking...
- My 2 new classes this semester are enjoyable and demanding but manageable -- YAY!
- I feel like I'm reconnecting with my kids after being way to crazy last semester -- YAY!
- I paid off a credit card! There are many to go, but we are down one!