Holding Hands

The other day I read an interesting article in the newspaper. It was all about holding hands. The article said that a study has shown that holding hands reduces stress. Women were especially affected – heart rates were reduced even when holding the hand of a concerned male stranger. The article went on to say that even pain was reduced when women held the hand of a man – especially one who they had a deep emotional connection to, such as a husband. I marveled aloud to my family, “Can you believe this? WOW!”

Wonder Boy’s response? “Duh Mom, that isn’t news.” Ah, the wisdom of the 11 year old.

Here I was wondering at the simple comfort of hand holding and my son was wondering what was wrong with me that I was so dazzled by this news. Okay, it DOES make sense when you think about it…. but I had not stopped to think about it. I had at times thought about how I missed the hand holding of dating… I missed having Hubby reach for my hand while we walk… I know the love is there, but 15 years of marriage later do we show it publicly? Maybe not so much… We are more so now that we started making the effort to have more dates – time with just us. Amazing how you are more demonstrative when you are not keeping the tweens from arguing with each other.

Later that day we went to church. I had forgotten about the article. My pain was pretty bad… apparently the change of season and excessive driving I’ve been doing has really caught up to me. My chronic pain in my neck, back, arms and hands can be minor or it can be major… lately pain is more than distracting.

As we sat at church listening to the reader, Wonder Boy reached out and took my hand. He held it in both of his hands. My little man warmed my hand with his and I smiled. I looked over at him and felt a surge of happiness. He knew I was in pain (my face shows it even when I don’t say it apparently). He was holding my hand because he wanted me to feel better. He held my hand through most of mass. I squeezed his hand and was so grateful that he is my child. He has such a tenderness and warmth… When you feel this much love it strengthens your faith… How can something as great as love exist by accident?

I felt so blessed to have love in my life. The love for my family and their love for me – these are not things I take for granted.

Even thinking back about this hand holding makes me feel warm and happy. I guess the study is right….

“Duh Mom.”

Together 15 Years - The best years ever!

I fell for him the day that I met him. I was fifteen and working at Burger King when he walked into my life. He looked adorable in his kahki pants, green izod shirt, and yellow izod windbreaker. He walked with a slightly jaunty gait -- not quite cocky, but pretty confident. I looked into his eyes and was at a loss for words. He asked me for a job application! I told him I'd be right back and went to the office to get him one. "OhMyGoodness he is so cute we have to hire him!" is what I said to the manager sitting in the office. She laughed. He took the application and sat down and filled it out in the dining room. I stayed around the front counter pretending to clean and trying to look cute. I was not skilled in the art of flirting...

After a few minutes he returned to me with the application. I took it and wished him luck, then I went around the corner to look the application over to see what I could learn about this very cute boy. I was immediately crestfallen to learn that he was SEVEN whole months younger than me. This could never work. Any respectable high school girl knows you can't date a boy who is younger than you -- even if he is super cute. "Alas," I thought, "It is not meant to be." I told the manager how bummed out I was that he was too young to date. She again laughed. Later she called him in for an interview and ended up hiring him. I still thought he was cute and continued to mourn the fact he was not dating material.

The cute boy ended up working the opening shift with me every weekend. I was the drive thru cashier and he worked the broiler, fryers and boards making the food. My prep job was cleaning out and assembling the shake machine. If something was too heavy for me to lift I always asked him to help me. One morning the manager didn't show up to open the restaurant. By this time the cute boy had his drivers license and I did not (my parents were strict, his took him to get his ticket to freedom on his 16th birthday). So on this Sunday morning we all waited outside and tried to entertain ourselves until the manager arrived.

The cute boy decided it would be a good time to teach me to drive and the entire crew was entertained as I learned the finer points of steering and braking while driving around the drive thru at Burger King. I circled and circled, my delinquent friends watched and drank warm beer that one of the guys had left over in his trunk. (Eventually the manager showed up and we went back to work -- I think the drinkers had their most productive day ever).

A year passes and the cute boy became my best friend. We would talk on the phone for hours. We took our breaks and lunches together. We worked the same shifts and he sometimes drove me home -- even though it was way out of his way. I was a senior in high school and he was a junior. Prom time came around and I kept waiting for Mr. Right to walk into my life and sweep me off my feet. I went to an all girls school and he went to an all boys school; we both had spring break at the same time. I was not one of those kids whose parents let her go to Florida for spring break. I was "not responsible enough." They were so right; there was no way I was responsible enough to go off to another state without supervision! How is anyone that young responsible enough? I would have ended up raped or in jail. I'm glad I didn't go to Florida.

I spent spring break working with the cute boy and another cute boy (again too young) at our Burger King. During this time "The Search is Over" by Survivor was quite the radio hit. Each morning we got to listen to the radio before opening to serve breakfast. Each morning I would lament out loud that someday this would be our song when I found my Mr. Right. I said this often to the cute boy and the other cute boy.

One day I was driving home (I finally got my license on my 17th birthday) and "The Search is Over" came on. As it started I suddenly realized that I wanted to take the cute boy to prom. Duh! Why hadn't I thought of this sooner? He was my best friend. He was adorable. He was right in front of my eyes all of this time. I asked him to go with me to prom and we started dating. We dated through college and seven years after our very first date, we walked down the church aisle together after making our vows to each other. We have been married for 15 years this month. That is 22 years together.

The best years of my life are the years that I have spent with the cute boy who is now my Hubby. He makes me a better person than I would be without him; he says I do the same for him. I love him with my heart and soul. Where he is will always be where I want to be. He is still my very best friend. I am grateful for luck I had in finding him so young. I am grateful for our love and our children.

I know we are blessed to be together and I am thankful. We may have struggles and hard times, but we will always have each other. He is my rock and I am happy. When I think of growing old with him it brings me joy.

"Wheresoever he is, there is Eden."

Hubby, Teaching, Hectic

We met at the local Burger King. He walked in and was the cutest thing! I walked to the front counter and asked if I could take his order. He wanted a job application. I told the manager to hire him because he was cute. She hired him. He was and is cute!

We became best friends. I wondered about dating him, but wasn't experienced in that sort of thing and anyway, he was 7 months younger than me! You just don't date younger guys like that when you are all of 16. Hello!

Spring break of my senior year in high school -- my parents know me too well and do not allow me to take a trip for spring break. I was home and went out with Hubby and friends the whole break. I remember listening to that cheesy Surviver song called "The Search is Over." It dawned on me that the boyfriend I was pining for was right in front of me. Hubby was a great guy and he was interested. Well, the rest is history!

I think back today to those early days of love. I think about our present and how we are struggling. It isn't our love that is struggling, it is US. My love for him is strong. I miss having time together. I miss having him in my bed. I miss chatting in person vs. over the phone (in the car on the way too and from work).

We are financially struggling (ruined?) due to a failed family business with the inlaws. Hubby is sucking it up and working stocking shelves overnight in order to bring in some kind of paycheck. If it were not for my Dad's business paying me while I'm on leave to student teach, we would be completely ruined. We are barely hanging on. Roof repairs have broken us. Keeping our heads above water has become a cute joke.

I'm tired beyond words as I adjust to teaching (if I could just have 5 more hours per day I'd be FINE!). I didn't anticipate being this tired. I wonder if it is depression or student teaching exhaustion. Getting up at 5am is quite a change for me. Being at work at 6:30 and leaving at 4:00/4:30 is different. Working on papers and lessons every night is tiring and rewarding. I LOVE TEACHING! I will get better at this. I will have a resource file to pull from and expand upon. Creating all new is tiring -- no wonder teachers stick with a class and teach the same stuff yearly. It is a heck of a lot of work to put content together! It shocks me how much freedom teachers have. Freedom is a luxury and a burden. I will use it more wisely and I develop my resources... I love me students and they seem to like me. My cooperating teacher is giving me positive feedback and she is very well respected so I will try not to doubt. I am learning so much!

Back to Hubby. He is depressed. He saw the doctor today. This is good. She referred him for more hearing testing. He talks so loud I flinch. I have feared hearing loss due to construction for quite some time. I think he is starting to realize there is a problem and he is less than thrilled.

I am glad he has started to do martial arts to relieve stress. I need to do that! Maybe in the future... right now blogging will suffice to relieve my stress. I don't have time to do other stuff. I just wish he were home more with me. I wish he could stay here with me and the kids when I am home. It is hard not having any ME time or WE time. It is hard not having an outlet for MY stress. I miss working out. I miss my hubby.

Teachers -- how do you bear having students with terminal cancer? Oh my goodness. I am broken hearted over a new student today. The student is swollen from steroids and didn't make it through the day. I pray for my student, but my heart breaks.

I need to make time to see my doctor. I need to address depression. Or is it that I'm just really tired? It would be justifiable.

Confused.