Waiting...

Hubby is supposed to hear tomorrow on the job.... he had the 2nd round of interviews last week and they seemed to go well. We would be so excited if this works out. Our federal tax refund is spent (paid part of the water bill, state tax debt we owed, and the electric bill) and our economic stimulus check is going to the mortgage. I would pee my pants if we could make it through a month without a collections call!

Wonder Boy isn't sleeping. He has struggled for the last several months. We get the results of the sleep study Thursday. He is 11 and is sleeping only 7 hours a night. I can understand why Wonder Boy is cranky -- I was really cranky until my sleep issue was resolved. It will be nice when Wonder Boy is less cranky. I'm nervous about his "extended soft palate" as I fear it may require surgery. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have not shared my fears -- why worry my worrier even more? He is too much like me -- you could put a "Born to Worry!" bumper sticker on his bum! (Trust me, if you are born this way it is quite difficult to change!). May he learn quicker than I did that worry doesn't buy you diddle in this life.

Who am I to talk though? My mother inlaw (Satan) called and wanted to come over to visit today. I worried all weekend because Satan always has a trick up her sleeve. Luckily it gave us an excuse to clean house. The dust bunnies had morphed into dust buffaloes and I was buried in homeless whatevers. Where does this clutter come from?????? Progress was made and the visit was short. I celebrate the lack of wounds inflicted! She was visiting to ask us over next weekend for birthdays (we consolidate and celebrate in groups). I'll expect fireworks but at least it won't be at my house... you know she opens junk drawers when she visits.... how does she think of the excuses she comes up with for what she is looking for?????

I hope for good news this week! Wouldn't that be fun???

This and That

We had a wonderful trip this weekend. We went to the lake shore and got to see sun shine on the beach while dark haze ruled the waves. What a blessing it is to stay for free at my dad’s place.

The sunset was hazy but still a pretty sight for these eyes.

It was interesting to see a buffalo herd – the owners of the farm must have laughed as we stopped to snap photos to show the kids.

Hilarious how he climbed the hay to get a better look at us.

It was a short trip away from it all….. Reality smacked me in the face when we returned and were greeted with many a past due notice. We have not paid our mortgage yet and we are STILL past due. We owe the state $1000 (note to self, never again let hubby defer taxes if he collects unemployment…).

I’m really stressed. Yes, my blood pressure is still a mess. I will look at my pretty pictures and escape back to the peace and joy of being away from it all. This too shall pass. I need to snap out of this mini depression that hit me so hard when we got back. This should be a happy week -- I take my last final TOMORROW and I am DONE like dinner! I will get my paperwork within 90 days of grades posting and will then be able to call myself and unemployed teacher! (I'm employed, just not as a teacher :-)

Hubby has another interview tomorrow. Please pray for him again / still. Spring has finally arrived -- maybe it will arrive for the employment scenario as well?

Thanks for all of the warm wishes on our anniversary. There is nobody I'd rather go to the poor house with!!!

Cable Guy and Stuff

It was a nice weekend. Hubby was more motivated on the job hunt once I tied him down and forced him to work through the updates to his resume. Funny how getting these things off your plate can make you feel better. He then got back to CareerBuilder and Monster and posted his new and improved resume. He applied for more jobs and hopefully something will shake out. Financially it needs to! That is, unless we win the lottery. I don't need a big win, a "little" one that would pay off the mortgages would be nice :-) A girl has to dream....

Wonder Boy is content now that he has a sleep log to work on. I let him sleep in a bit this weekend and will likely pay for that as they are back in school this week. Super Girl tested for her next best in TaeKwonDo and passed. Wonder Boy is still ahead of her.... I'm glad they are into it because they need to be addicted to some kind of exercise if they are to survive the genes I've passed down to them! Hubby remembered to refill his prescription. Maybe that is what his problem was this week. Note to self, pay attention to that.

The pug is not healing as we'd hoped. We will give her a few more days, but it is likely that she will need to go to the orthopedic veterinarian this week. I can not even begin to imagine what knee surgery on a dog costs..... She is worth every penny, but it would be nice to win a lottery so I didn't have to stress about medical care for my pets.

Today I was like Wonder Woman cleaning the house. The cable guy was coming over to fix our cable (how the heck can you have a bad signal when you are on basic cable and have no box?). I cleaned like a fool and was shocked at my progress. I had to warn him about the basement before he went down there. We call it The Pit of Despair (remember Princess Bride?). The basement is where everything goes that we don't know what to do with (or don't have room for). Hence, it has become the Pit of Despair. Someday I will a ton of it on eBay.

So anyway, I warned the cable guy about The Pit of Despair before he went down there. His response? "You can't scare the cable guy, nothing scares the cable guy. I've seen it all." He and Hubby ventured down and he reported back there was nothing to fear -- our Pit of Despair was not that scary. Apparently scary is when you can not get to the thing you need to look at. Okay, that would be scary!

Then the cable guy had to check the wiring in the back yard. We had what might be a spring melt this weekend (I hope spring is coming!). With a greyhound and a pug, there was a lot buried under the snow this winter. Hubby has not had a chance to spring clean the organic waste (poop) in the yard yet. I warned the cable guy to beware and be careful. He scoffed at my warning, and again he exclaimed, "You can't scare the cable guy!" Again, I thought him crazy; again he returned to report it wasn't that bad. I told him that I was really grateful for his kindness and really sorry that he has apparently experienced worse!

Then the cable guy did something amazing. He decided our signal needed an amplifier. He doesn't like it that the company makes him charge people $60 to amplify a signal as it comes into the house (we agreed with him, the signal should be stronger). He went and checked his truck and found an extra one which he hooked up for free. I told him I loved him. Was that too much? Hubby and cable guy both laughed at me. I was serious...

So today my house was cleaned, my cable signal fixed, and I'm almost done with my reading for the week. Life is good! May this week bring happy surprises, for now I will enjoy a cleaner house.

Pittance

So, I talked to him. I just laid it all on the table and didn't back down. It is crap that Hubby doesn't have a decent job or savings after busting his butt in the family business for 20 years. But he needs to go out there and make something happen.

A job isn't going to just walk up and hand itself over. In this day and age you must work over every contact you have and then network your ass off. It isn't that I don't understand where he is at. I have fought depression all of my life. I know what it is to be paralyzed. BUT, you have to pick yourself up and kick your own ass into gear at some point.

So, he will follow up on the previous hot lead gone cold one more time. And he is sending resumes online daily. Maybe I'll pick him up a book at the library. Hello. Time to stop waiting and time to MAKE something happen. We are financially ruined and need to start digging out. Our credit is destroyed, we are at negative equity on the home, all emergency funds are depleted. Get another job already.

The money and job concerns are very stressful. I'm tired of being a dead beat. I'm tired of mean letters. I'm worried about the future. I'm sick at the thought of not being able to take a teaching job since it will pay less than the job I currently hate (We knew this cut would come when I went back to school for teaching, we just didn't know that the family business would ruin us or that Hubby's paycheck at a new job would be a pittance).

I miss him so much. It stinks that we are on opposite schedules. I don't know how other couples make this work. It is making me crazy. Yes, he is there for this kids -- but I miss my husband! He is tired all of the time. I understand, but it needs to change.

I'll follow the sun...

At least look at the pictures -- there is nothing like a pink sunset!

On my work trip I was lucky enough to see the lake again. I don't usually ever see it with the big iceburgs.... I almost had to hum the musical themes from The Titanic as I gazed upon the water... The temperature was almost 50 degrees and you would have thought it was summer with all of the walkers who were taking in the scene. I love it that the locals appreciate their gem of a beach!
The sunset was spectacular. ...
I put on my winter coat and gloves and watched it for an hour. I had a book with me, but I didn't read it. How could I look away?
The pink moments brought tears to my eyes. How lucky I was that my one night here I could have the gift of the best sunset ever! Those are not boats in the water they are icebergs. The other interesting thing is that the water shines pink and the blue beyond that shine is pure ice.

I was awed at that pink and how it etched each cloud. They hung there and glowed....
And they glowed.The color took my breath away.


Yesterday morning I stopped back on my way out of town. More ice breaking apart. Then I realized it... I could not hear the waves! Here I stood looking upon the vast frozen water and there was no noise. You could hear gulls and some cars sometimes from the road... but the lake was silent.
It was nearly 60 degrees and more ice was breaking apart. The quiet filled the air and I was grateful. How lucky I was that I had the water to bring me peace. How lucky we are that we are only fighting a flu in this home right now. How lucky we are to have scrambled and survived this long after Hubby's paychecks stopped rolling in. How lucky we are to have the tiny checks from his job we thought would be temporary. Yes the debt is crushing, but we will hold on. Spring will come. Ice melts. Waves return. The lake will sing again.

Tidbits

I'm losing my mind with my lack of home computer internet. I miss being able to download and upload my photos. I miss blogging at home. I hope to make room in the budget for computer repair this month. For now I'm posting from work - thus I'm posting much less.

Here are some updates on some of the many things I've blogged about -- wish there were time for full posts....

- My best friend (who's breast lump turned out to be benign! YAY!) was scheduled in court today for an emergency custody hearing. Her soon to be Ex-Hubby is insane. His lawyer called and canceled for no reason 15 minutes before the hearing. It amazes me how an evil person can manipulate the justice sister. I am scared of him and he is allowing shady characters around their 4 kids. Pray for them -- they need it. I just wish he'd stop using the kids to get back at her. I wish he would take the high road, but he is staying on the low one. How do you not take your 3 year old to his speech therapy / special education? How is such a basic need disregarded? What is more important than your children? UGH! Please pray for them. He needs help too. Long stories, not enough time.

- Classes: I love my classes this semester. It will be so strange to be DONE at the end of April. Working full time and taking classes at night has been my routine since 2001. Getting teaching certification has taken more than 80 credit hours (I already had a degree too!). Student teaching showed me the effort has been well worth it. I can't wait to be a teacher!

- Pain: It is better than it was. Acupuncture and the chiropractor help -- I never would have believed that either of these "witchcraft" therapies could help. Funny when a skeptic becomes a convert....

- Dental and Optical -- holy cow. Between the two we have dropped $1600 this month. Note to self, do not put this stuff off & DON'T schedule them for the whole family in the same month!!!

- Employment: Hubby is still looking for gainful employment. Overnight work for $9 per hour is not enough to live on. I hope something breaks for him soon -- though I'm afraid to hope with this state's economy.

- Wonder Boy and Super Girl: I love my kids so much. They have a snow day today and I'm wishing I was home with them (poor hubby will not get to sleep much today). They are both in Tae Kwan Do and LOVE it. I'm convinced that any physical activity is good and will eat Macaroni and Cheese for every meal rather than not having room for it in my budget.

Super Girl still needs to finish adjusting to middle school in terms of stepping up academics. She is capable but lazy due to lack of interest. When she cares she is brilliant but she plays dumb. UGH -- why do girls think it is cool to pretend to be dumb in this society? Also -- why does PMS last 24/7 in an 11 year old?

Wonder Boy is in love with Hannah Montana / Miley. He has cut out pictures of all of his favorites and tapes them all over his room. It looks like high school musical threw up in there. He is happy, I am grateful.

Blood Pressure: Can I just say that a low salt diet is exceedingly difficult when you have always considered salty snacks a mainstay food group? Despite eating healthier and drinking less, my weight remains way too high. It needs to warm up so I can add walking to my mix of daily activities. I will keep trying. I am eating more of good things and less of bad. Hopefully things will improve soon. The medication has lowered the blood pressure, but I want to do it without medication if I can.

Money: Financially things are pretty crazy ugly for us... but this too shall pass. We are at negative equity on the home most likely due to

Depression: Mine is improving because Hubby has improved some. Still fighting the good fight.

Inlaws: They have been better behaved lately. I admit to jealousy at the moment as they have left our frozen landscape for their winter vacation in Florida. How is it that they didn't have money to pay my husband and yet they have money to take a Florida winter vacation again this year? It seems to me that his 20 years of labor should allow him some of the profits... but alas, they do not see it this way. As far as they are concerned they owe him nothing. I don't care if there are staying with her brother -- driving across that many states and vacationing in FLA still costs a lot of money. Whatever... I am trying not to be bitter.

Sister's Controlling Hubby: As much as his controlling behavior makes me nervous, nothing has escalated. He still manipulates and guilt trips her, but I think she is recognizing it and standing up for herself more. Maybe this is just part of the settling in of the first few years of marriage. I hope so.

Life is good. I love my family and enjoy my friends. I'm hopeful for the future. I'm grateful for what we have. There are many things going well and I appreciate that.

So, that is the news from Camp Grim Reality. We are happy campers who will play indoors while it rains!

Depression / Update

Well, he has an appointment. I'm relieved. Depression is such a difficult thing to layer into an already stressful situation. Hubby has been on depression medication for a few months now. I am pushing for a change (increase perhaps?) because the current regimen is simply not effective. He is on a low level antidepressant. I'm frustrated that he is a few weeks away from meeting with the new doctor (vs. being treated by our primary care physician).

This battle has been fought for over a year now. Getting him in to the doctor this fall didn't change things as quickly as I'd hoped. He is trying, but he doesn't think to say "Hey, do you think you might want to up my dosage while I wait to get into the new doctor?" This isn't even on his radar and he won't call back to ask the question. THAT is what makes me insane. I'm all about attacking the problem.

I've been depressed -- you HAVE to be aggressive in following up and making changes. Hell, I AM depressed and am attacking the problem! You have to control that which you can control. Baby steps. All those cliches are accurate! I am working on changing my attitude. I've been patient for a few years, but once my patience is gone it isn't usually pretty. I've been very angry at the lack of effort and progress in the recent weeks and months. Any baby steps he takes lately are not enough to make me happy. He pointed this out to me and he is right. I've been trying to be more encouraging the last few days instead of being so hurt and angry.

It is a fine line between enabling and encouraging. He needs encouragement and an ass kicking at the same time. I'm tired!! This is hard work! I've gotten his sister to agree to work with him on the resume. It will happen after Christmas and I've decided to be fine with that. I started it but had to step back -- he isn't in a place where he can help me and I'm not in a place where I can do it for him. She has tons of HR experience so she can fill in the fluff to the skeleton I created for him. This too shall pass.

Getting him on a normal shift will make a huge difference. I know how lack of sleep killed me, I'm certain it is impacting him. He is a morning person, overnight work does not agree with him. Thank you for the prayers! We will get through this, it just needs to be soon! I have lived like this for too long.... I love him and he knows it. I wish he believed in himself more. 20 years in construction down the drain is a big blow, but it is time to move on.

Who needs money anyway? I've decided we look good poor. I just don't want to slip into negative equity on our home. So we cling and pray. Maybe he will be gainfully employed soon and things will improve. I hope so!

Credit rating in the pooper

Okay, it was not paying the mortgage on time that negatively affected my credit...

How sad that all these years as a responsible citizen can be thrown out the window so easily. How sad that you work your whole life and stability can evaporate so quickly. How sad that I get a letter from one of our credit cards telling me they have lowered my limit -- even though I was never late to them! This is my oldest credit card or I'd be irritated enough to close it. I am sick. I've been trying to pay them off, but Hubby's lack of employment has forced us into using our credit line for crazy things like roof repair, car repair, and sometimes food.

Why is my self esteem tied to my credit rating? If I didn't get a holiday bonus from my dad this year we would be without a Christmas at my house. The bonus has allowed me to get current on all utilities. YAY! I'm still cutting it way back -- this year is kids only for presents.

I wish Hubby would move faster on getting a better job. I wish this was not so hard. I hate that our debt mountain has grown so high. I hate that I'm going to have to take charge of his job search since depression has him shackled. I am sick. Ugh.

On a brighter note: my friend got to have a wonderful day with her kids yesterday. YAY for small miracles!

Which Bill To Pay?

LOVE the fall!

Hmm...... the energy company called today. Apparently $506 is needed to keep power. Apparently I'm expected to pay these people. Oh! That is how this works? Paid over the phone on that one.

Roof repairs were $400.

Fixing the Hoopty this month? About $500.

Then I checked on my home equity line of credit on the house. OOPS! Forgot to pay that too. I have to pay them... so I coughed up $420.

Then I checked on another bill.... Oops! I neglected them too! $162.

I admit it, I haven't paid the October mortgage! AND I just spent the money I would have used to pay it.

$200 for gifts / bachelorette party for the sister inlaw.

I have not paid the water bill in months -- the city doesn't charge late fees OR interest! That moves them to the bottom of the heap.

I was sick this week and had $40 in co-pays and prescriptions.

Ends are not meeting. Sinking deeper. Asked Hubby to find a better paying job and to get a 2nd job. He took a low paying job when the family business went into the pooper. In '06 he made half of what he made in '05 (and this was again down from '04).

We made the decision for me to take a lower paying job with my family in order to travel less and finish school. We made the decision that I could take the pay cut to be a teacher. These decisions were made in 2001 and 2003 with the assumption that Hubby would at least maintain. Little did we know what would happen with construction! Little did we know we'd have to subsidize the inlaws business and then pull the plug when it drained us. No, we planned -- but we did not see all of this coming. If we are destitute right now, how the heck will we make it when I take a pay cut to become a teacher?

At the time it made sense for me to switch fields. Now the hole we have dug has gotten quite large. Hopefully Hubby finds a 2nd job and switches back to days. I miss him and he needs to bring in more income. Hopefully I will be able to teach summer school and get a night job (one or two nights a week) as I finish my masters once I finish teaching certification this spring.

For now, paying the mortgage 30 days late is going to have to be like skipping a mortgage payment. Until Hubby gets a better job I need to buy time.....

I still love teaching!

I still love my husband!

I would not mind a small lottery winning... or if Oprah decided to adopt my family because she loves teachers :-)

I admit it though -- this debt makes my chest hurt. This worry about our future makes me sick to my stomach. We live in a decent home in a great neighborhood with a great school system. That is what is important. I don't want to lose it all. I miss financial security! I'm tired.

I still love teaching though!!! I love my kids!! I love my hubby!! I am grateful!!!

I plan to never move again -- who needs a decent credit rating anyway? They don't take your house right away....

Dear Oprah.... Dear Mr. Gates... Dear me.....