Waiting...

Hubby is supposed to hear tomorrow on the job.... he had the 2nd round of interviews last week and they seemed to go well. We would be so excited if this works out. Our federal tax refund is spent (paid part of the water bill, state tax debt we owed, and the electric bill) and our economic stimulus check is going to the mortgage. I would pee my pants if we could make it through a month without a collections call!

Wonder Boy isn't sleeping. He has struggled for the last several months. We get the results of the sleep study Thursday. He is 11 and is sleeping only 7 hours a night. I can understand why Wonder Boy is cranky -- I was really cranky until my sleep issue was resolved. It will be nice when Wonder Boy is less cranky. I'm nervous about his "extended soft palate" as I fear it may require surgery. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have not shared my fears -- why worry my worrier even more? He is too much like me -- you could put a "Born to Worry!" bumper sticker on his bum! (Trust me, if you are born this way it is quite difficult to change!). May he learn quicker than I did that worry doesn't buy you diddle in this life.

Who am I to talk though? My mother inlaw (Satan) called and wanted to come over to visit today. I worried all weekend because Satan always has a trick up her sleeve. Luckily it gave us an excuse to clean house. The dust bunnies had morphed into dust buffaloes and I was buried in homeless whatevers. Where does this clutter come from?????? Progress was made and the visit was short. I celebrate the lack of wounds inflicted! She was visiting to ask us over next weekend for birthdays (we consolidate and celebrate in groups). I'll expect fireworks but at least it won't be at my house... you know she opens junk drawers when she visits.... how does she think of the excuses she comes up with for what she is looking for?????

I hope for good news this week! Wouldn't that be fun???

Progress

Our pups had a restful holiday - I hope you did too!

Today was AMAZING! I have not had a single day off without an obligation since July. Today I had the day off and not a single social obligation. NOTHING. Oh it was bliss!!!!! I started clearing out the clutter and it felt so good! The paths were wider and the piles were shorter. I cleared off the kitchen table and saw the entire clean and clear surface. I even reorganized some kitchen cupboards! We washed dishes and did laundry. We put away most of the Christmas decorations. When the new semester starts there will not be time so we did it. I'm okay with it -- I'll keep things up longer when I'm a teacher. For now, it is good to get things put away!

Church didn't happen for us on Christmas. We would have been late for midnight mass and getting up early in the a.m. just was not going to happen. I'm looking forward to church tomorrow. We have much to work on and much to be thankful for -- hoping it is wonderful and inspires me to keep at it. I like myself better when I attend regularly. I like being a good example to my kids. If you don't have the Lord to lean on, where are you? Especially when crisis hits (as it often does....).

Hopefully Hubby calls his sister tomorrow to work on his resume! My mother inlaw was hospitalized over night last night. She has a huge hematoma and cellulitis. She fell. You are not supposed to do that when you are on blood thinners and when you break easily. It looks like she is bouncing back. I'm glad. We actually had a good conversation tonight. She tried to pull some passive aggressive stuff, but I was very direct (and friendly)... so I disarmed her! YIPPEE!!! She was trying to be critical but I brought her around.... so what if I had to pull her by the ear?

Yes, today was a good day. I hope you had a good day too!

Passive Aggressive Bull

It's no bull, I feel like a lamb going to slaughter.

Today is my sister inlaw's shower and my evil mother inlaw will be there. She has put me in an awkward position. The mother inlaw told her best friend that I'm a dead beat on this shower -- which I'm on the invitation as hosting and which I've had nothing to do with the planning on. Can you say awkward? Did I ask to be part of this? Was I included in any discussions or decisions? I'm fine with ponying up the cash, but the evil mother inlaw told me not to worry about it since Hubby isn't making much money and he went so many months without being paid by the family business.

"Don't worry about it, I've got you covered."

What kind of manipulative person tells you that and then COMPLAINS to others that she has to cover you? What the hell kind of passive aggressive crap is that? And now I must go and spend the day with people who think that I am a bum. She complained that she has to cover the deadbeat sister and I. I am not a deadbeat. She offered and I accepted. I accepted because my family has gone into big debt trying to keep a business going for her family. I am betrayed and annoyed. I want to kick my mother inlaw's ass. I will not. I will suck it up. I will not ruin my other (INNOCENT) sister inlaw's day.

My mother inlaw sucks. I hate wasting a Sunday on this.......

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a brighter note -- I LOVE student teaching! I love, love, love it! Yes, I'm mega tired, but I'm so happy to be in the classroom. I have an awesome mentor teacher who is allowing me a lot of freedom. Too bad I'm not confident enough to use it! Soon the training wheels will come off... I am more confident and humbled every day.

She makes my head explode!

UGH! My mother inlaw (also known as Satan) is making me NUTS! She hijacked my daughter to go shopping the day of our block party. I told her that was a bad day, but she insisted that Super Girl would be home in time. She wasn't. Satan purchased 3 outfits for her and wanted to have a fashion show. I sat with my back to her and hung out at my block party. No, now was not the time. I was not giving in.

Satan then demanded that this part Friday night was the time. Nope. I'm busy then too. It was my night to spend with my kids or napping -- I wasn't sure which, but that was my plan after a heck of a week.

I had Super Girl try on the clothes this morning. I told Hubby to get the amount from Satan and we'd pay her back. No need for a fashion show, tell me the amount and I will pay you. Now she calls to say she's coming over. Like I have time for this!!! I'm working on my freaking lesson plans dammit. Hello! It is Sunday night! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Couldn't she just once think of MY schedule? My happy ass isn't retired like her happy ass. A simple "When would it work for you?" would be much better than "This is the time I have available, I'm coming over." Um, Hello? What about MY TIME? I tell her no.

She is making me crazy. My head feels like it is going to explode. So, I have Hubby call her and say we like all the choices and can use all 3 for various upcoming occasions. Just tell us how much and we'll pay you back. She tells him that it is too expensive and that we can't afford all three, she'll come over in a little while. Okay, that isn't at all insulting, is it?

It is Sunday Freaking Night and my mother inlaw is coming over. Remind me again that I should not threaten her with bodily harm. Remind me not to be mean. Remind me that getting angry (oh hell, ANGRIER), will only sap my energy....

So, Satan is on her way. Despite protests. Somebody save us. Please? I will not let her control me. I will focus on my plan and let her spend her time with her son. I do not need to invest my time with her.... I will not let her waste my minutes. Ugh. If only she would ask when it would be good for US. Why must everything be about HER????

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guess what? We were on high alert for 2 hours. I made Hubby call to see what the deal was -- no answer on her cell or at home. Finally a half hour ago she calls... not coming after all. I'm not sure what her game could be, but I want to clobber her. All that stress for nothing! (Not that I spent any energy cleaning house, but still...........)

Mr. Mom? / Living the Dream

I call it volunteer work. You know, when you work and don't get paid? That is what Hubby's work has been since December. I have tried to be patient, but am at my wit's end. I resent his family for putting us in this position. I am angry. I hate being angry.

I told Hubby that if things do not change we will need to go into counseling. I can't handle being the nag. How sad is it that he can make more money on unemployment than by going out and getting a job? How sad is it that it will be cheaper for him to stay home this summer with the kids than to work? IF he can find a job it will not cover the daycare costs for our two kids.

So summer is a month away and I'm thinking we are better off if he stays home and collects a check. Unemployment will carry us through the summer. At what point do you just say, what the hell? Take the check, forget the daycare, have a fun summer honey! It looks like this will have to be our plan. Hubby will be our daycare and he will take the summer off work and will be our childcare. You go Mr. Mom!

With the fall comes much lower childcare costs. The after school program is not nearly the cost of the summer program. Hopefully this summer Hubby can take an extra class and find a decent paying job for the fall (when I will be student teaching).

I discussed all of this with my Dad today. He looked so stressed. I let him in on what has been going on. It is strange to talk to him like I would talk to my Mom. I worry though, the stress is hard to share because I don't want him to be stressed too. I told him not to worry, this too shall pass.

It is funny how you can reassure others about that which is so stressful to yourself and your spouse. I just don't like Dad to worry. Hubby is without a degree. He is starting on the path to being a nurse and will be leaving the black hole of construction. It will be a long road, but he will be wonderful.

I am proud of him for making this change. The transition will be hard. Hopefully my kids will learn from this... seeing both of us pursue more rewarding work will hopefully set an example that will benefit them. Seeing our hard work balancing work and school will hopefully teach them lessons as well. It is currently a difficult path, but it will be worth it. I hope!

And then hope springs eternal. My niece will be born on TUESDAY! Two more babies due in June. How can depression linger when we are on the cusp of such great joy? Hopefully Hubby's depression will lift as we solidify the Mr. Mom Summer gig for him. I think he will be so much happier when the stress of the business dying has ended. Somehow it is easier when something is over and done.

Can I admit that I'm jealous of him that he will be home with the kids this summer? They are at such a GREAT age (10 and 11). What I would give to be the one staying home! Ah well.... I know I was evil in a past life and don't deserve that treat :-) My jealousy is genuine. I will live through their stories....

Other mundane things: So the other day my wonder children are playing basketball in the back yard. Wonder Boy is setting up two chairs court side... I ask, "What is up with the chairs?" He says, "They are for my coach and his wife." Dead pan serious. I reply, "Oh!" Wonder Boy has SUCH the imagination. Please dear Lord, don't let him ever change!

Super Girl has fifth grade camp next week. Will I survive her being gone? I can not believe my first born is so old! She got an A+ on her science class "medical board exam." My daughter the doctor!

I'm taking two literature classes currently. I have enjoyed "The Scarlet Letter" and "Huck Finn." I wish I could get unabridged copies of all my books to listen to in the car! What a GREAT use of my work drive time!

We are living the dream here at The Grim Reality ;-)
Look what hubby got for me!

Baby Steps

Tomorrow I go to my mother inlaw's home for a baby shower for Hubby's sister. I want to spend time in the lion's den like I want to stick a fork in my eye. Things are a little tense for me when it comes to the inlaws because I resent them for our present situation.

Hubby is struggling to find a job. As we look toward summer daycare costs I'm sad to realize that we would be financially ahead of the game to skip daycare for the kids and have Hubby stay home with them while collecting unemployment. How sad is it that daycare is so expensive that it pays better to stay home than to work? Strange, but true. And so, the struggle is to find a job that pays well enough. I'm a little over a year from being a teacher. I can't wait to be on the same schedule as my kids.

So tomorrow is the baby shower. I am happy to have another neice on the way. 2 of the 3 babies due in the next 6 weeks are known to be girls. I wonder what gender mystery baby will be? I'm hoping boy -- it would be fun to have my sister chasing a mega active boy! I look forward to watching 3 first time moms taking their baby steps into motherhood.

I'm scattered right now as I try to ease hubby into this career change. It is difficult putting pressure on someone who is doing his best to keep all parties happy. He is realizing that treading water won't cut it. I'm so sorry he has to go through this. He is a wonderful man. I wonder how he was born to people who would eat their young? He is taking baby steps. I hope they pay off soon.

Tomorrow I will smile and bite my tongue. I will not allow my mother inlaw (Satan) to bait me. I will remember who I am dealing with. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman.

Happy Mother's Day!

Ugly Rant -- You have been warned.

I have not been having dandy days since I posted last. I stayed quiet because I hate when my blog matches it's name. I like it better when I am filled with hope and joy -- are at least happy sarcasm.

Hubby is caught between a rock and a hard place right now. There is just enough work to keep busy, but not enough work to get paid. Keeping busy is keeping me crazy since we can't pay the bills with busy. When I total up how much we have lost in wages over the past 2 years to this "keeping busy" work it makes me sick.

My father inlaw is fine with stringing it along since he is only 2 years from social security. He isn't paying daycare and tuition either. He can afford to wait it out since he only has 2 mouths to feed. He is selfish enough not to care that we are deep into our home equity line of credit and are soon to be looking at negative equity in our home. The business is going under, but as long as it is slow enough to get him to social security, that seems just fine. The patient is dead, the heart keeps on beating. He won't pull the plug.

There have been no offers from the inlaws to pay Hubby. This even after I mentioned that I simply SKIPPED PAYING my April mortgage payment. I skipped it. Didn't pay. Didn't pay the utilities either. Or the credit cards. I paid Dell though -- those people call you day and night like you would not believe. Visa got paid and so did Comcast -- a girl needs her Internet! My mother inlaw dared to complain about money to me this weekend. I advised her on who calls for money and who doesn't. She paid her mortgage last month. How nice for her.

I am not used to being destitute. This sucks. Hubby is depressed and doesn't have time to find a job since he is keeping busy with work that he isn't paid to do. How sad that his father is saying "Go ahead and look for a job" out of one side of his mouth while he low balls jobs to keep busy out of the other side of his mouth. Hubby doesn't have time to go find a PAYING job since they are doing such a great job keeping busy and making no money.

It wouldn't be so bad if Hubby wasn't dead tired from the work and stressed beyond belief. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to be the bad guy to pressure Hubby to leave the family business for a PAYING JOB! It wouldn't be so bad if they at least offered to help in some way. Why don't they dip into their home equity line of credit??? Why don't they let him have time off to find a fricking paying job? Why can they only see their needs and why would they put their needs above those of their son and grandchildren?

The rub is that it is starting to cause friction in my marriage. My time is spent pointing this ugliness out to Hubby. I point it out so that he doesn't stay a deer in headlights. He is depressed and feeling trapped. This leads to inaction, which is of course the worst option for us right now. I feel like I have to push him toward movement and I'm already tired from having to push myself. I don't have the energy to push us both... but I must, because he is in a horrible position and I love him. I understand that he doesn't want to abandon ship or bring our ship down. At this point it is becoming us or them. They (my inlaws) have made poor financial decisions that have put us all in this position of jeopardy. They have broken so many promises. They have created an impossible situation for Hubby. They don't care.

How can you do that to your own child? Apparently my inlaws are the type who would eat their young. How sad. No wonder my hair is coming in so grey!!!

Teens, Ebola, & Working for Free

High School -- can I just say high school is much more fun now that I'm not a high school student? I love spending time with students who have their whole lives ahead of them. I love the drama of those who are in drama.

I spent the weekend working with the teens in the musical. I did little, but they appreciated it much. It is so nice to work with such nice kids! I feel old, but that is okay with me! I like not being at that stage in life. I like being settled with family. I like knowing who I am and what I'm about. I like having life experience. I like supporting them in their thespian pursuits. I like being able to tell them they amaze me -- because they do!

The flip side: Super girl is super sick. Every time we think she is beating this flu it brings her back down -- Ebola style. Poor thing! She will be home again tomorrow -- this time staying at the mother inlaw's (remember Satan?). I can't have her playing survivor in Hubby's car while he works again (he works construction and is right there, but STILL!). She enjoyed it, but it didn't seem to speed healing. To top it off, we were bad parents and we allowed her to play in her soccer game yesterday. She seemed better and wanted to play, so we let her play goalie. Oops. She has relapsed since. I have the bad parent stamp on my parenting card now. I suck.

Hubby is still working for free. My inlaws kill me. How can you do this to your own child? I don't get it. Must we all go down with them? I can't stay home with Super Girl when Hubby is going to work for free with the father inlaw. It doesn't look good when I'm staying home while he works since I'm taking time for school and all. Oh! And I am the one who is paid to work, unlike poor Hubby who is working for nothing. The slow death of this business is so painful....

My sister, his sister, and my brother's wife are all with child and due in the next 6 weeks! Joy is coming... I can't wait!!! Isn't it interesting how life hands you highs and lows at the same time?

Venting about Satan.... Ugh.

It is Saturday night and I'm sitting here pretty hurt. We just got home from Satan's house. I know if I vent about it on my blog I'll be over it quicker, so read on at your own risk.... I'm venting about my mother inlaw Satan, and it won't be pretty.

Hubby and I have been married for 14 years this coming April. We dated for 7 years before we married. We were best friends for a year before we dated. I have known him for 22 of my 38 years. I love him with my heart and soul. He is a good man and a good father. His mom is a bitch.

I was high on her list until I became engaged to her darling son. It is so Freudian it makes me sick. She turned on me the moment we became engaged. She went from fun and friendly to territorial and demanding. I was 24 when Hubby and I married, and I'm sorry to admit it, but I let the mother inlaw push me around a bit. She has the passive aggressive thing down to an art. She was (and is) a master manipulator, and I never saw it coming.

Satan, as I often think of her, is feeling better these days and is in rare form. I have to admit it -- I like her better when she is sick because she is so much more docile. The aggressive shark tendency doesn't stand out when she's sick or recovering from a surgery. Satan likes to bake cakes and throw birthday dinners for people. I have had to go to my Hubby's cousin's birthday parties. No lie, his one cousin has a birthday within 7 days of my birthday. Does she ever include my birthday in any of these millions of celebrations? No. Not ever. I go to every party, for Hubby, for his sisters, for his Aunt, for his aunt's kids. I'm shocked she doesn't have parties for the dogs.

Do I have her birthday at my house nearly every damn year -- even though she has 2 daughters of her own? Yes, I have her birthday party at my house. Do his sister's recognize my birthday? No. Does anyone in his family know I have a birthday? I don't think so. She gives me a token gift for my birthday, but NEVER has the stupid cake and ice cream thing at her house. (Sometimes I look at the token gift as a hint -- such as the time when she gave me luggage. )

I decided long ago that this was NOT a big deal. Why is it a big deal to me now? Well, my sister inlaw is engaged (due to wed next November). So I get the call yesterday. "Are you guys free tomorrow? It's J's birthday and I'm having a thing at my house." What the hell? I thought it was only if you were related by blood that you got to have a thing. J. is the soon to be son inlaw.

WTF? I've held this woman's hand before and AFTER her surgeries. I've washed her naked body in the hospital when the nurses didn't have time for her. I have fed her ice chips on more occasions than I can count. I've spoon fed her soup when she was starved. I have brought her reading material and put lip balm on her cracked lips. I have decorated her hospital room for Christmas. I have baked her favorite damn cookies for her for Christmas every year (even when I had pneumonia). I have helped her write the essay to get the gastric bypass surgery she needed. I have gotten her pain meds when the nurses failed to ring the doctor.

I have gone to her damn house on Christmas Eve every year because I knew it was a big deal to her (when I could have been at the FUN party at my parent's house). I stayed with her on New Year's Eve at the hospital and demanded a doctor as she bled out from surgery (her daughter's were at a great party). By the time I finally got someone to listen to me, she was in dire need of a transfusion -- they gave her 2 units of blood and 2 of plasma that night. I was at the hospital by her bedside for 16 hours that day and came back at 7am the next morning. I have been there for that bitch.

I have smiled and ignored the fact that they ignore my birthday, but now they are going to celebrate J's birthday??? He knocked her daughter up before marriage and we are going to treat him like the second coming and have a party for him??? Again I say, what the f***???

I don't like my mother inlaw (hence the name Satan). I admit that at times I am really angry with her just for being alive (much of her illness has been self inflicted, she is a non compliant patient who does little to preserve her own health). I am angry that my Mom died and she lived. My mom cared for herself and others -- she ate right and exercised. Satan manipulates and makes anyone who doesn't dance to her tune pay. How dare this woman live when my super awesome Mom was killed by cancer?

I admit it, this makes me angry. I'm sorry and I know it is wrong, but I admit it to you out here in blog world. I am mad that Satan lives instead of my Mom. I am REALLY mad that she can still hurt me.

That is what this all boils down to. I am really hurt and really mad that I am hurt. How the hell does she call me with ONE DAY NOTICE to invite us to J's birthday party when she has never celebrated my birth? How can she worship him when I have been there for her through thick and thin?

I sucked it up. I went to the party. I put on a smile and pretended all was well. Everyone gave him cards, sang to him, yada, yada, yada. I like him and am happy for him, but what the hell people? Am I that bad a person that you can't even get me a damn card? Am I that offensive that you can't pick up the phone to even call me to say happy birthday to me?

Hubby thinks Satan is threatened by me because she can't push me around (that ended when I had kids and the evil one put my daughter to sleep on her belly after I had specifically advised her on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and how babies now sleep on their backs or sides). After she messed with the saftey of my baby I was done being pushed around by her sorry ass.

So why am I so hurt? I am hurt deeply. I am mad that I am hurt, so I'm really really angry. My poor husband is bearing the brunt of having to listen to me. What hurts me more is that he said nothing to her tonight. I even told him that I would consider his calling her out or talking to her to be foreplay (oh I even went there, yup, I did, sorry TMI....). He said nothing. He says he will talk to her. I know he will. But it would hurt less if he had talked to her tonight. I would hurt less if he had said to her, "I noticed you are being very welcoming to J. and I think that is great. Do you realize that you've never had a birthday thing for my wife? Not yet in our nearly 14 years of marriage -- what's up with that mom?"

I am so hurt. I am hurt by his family most, but also because my knight in shining armour didn't slay the dragon. I'm glad I didn't marry a hateful man, but just this once I'd like to be there to see him confront her. I would like to see him stand up to her and I'd like to see her pathetic denials. I want her sorry ass to squirm. I want her to feel as uncomfortable as she makes me feel. I want her to think, just for one minute, about the way she treats me. I can't change her, and I don't want to start a war. I just don't like how I feel right now. I hate it that despite the fact that I know she is Satan, she still hurts me.

I don't like that I give her the power to hurt me. I don't like that my Hubby's lack of action makes me angry at him when she is the cause of the problem. I don't like being hurt and I don't like being angry. This just sucks.