As I age...

I realize what is important. I don't really care about how I look or what people think of me. I care about what I can do, what I can control, how I can make a difference.

I don't care if I'm fat. I don't care if my students think I'm fair because I KNOW that I am more than fair; I am merciful. I realize what truly matters is being able to live with the decisions that I make. I realize that helping a single student secure a sense of accomplishment is well worth the BS that can bring me down.

My students are important, but I realize that what is most important is my relationships with my children. My home must be a refuge and place of peace. Hubby will learn this too... he has not suffered enough to get this yet. Better that he not understand; better that he not be forced to crave peace. Better that he not know that desperation for one area of life to be safe...

I know am I not alone. I know it will get better. I hope my body can keep up with my spirit.... I can do this. I know I can. Why is my blood pressure so high? Why can't I lose the extra weight? Please, let me be all that I want to be.... please let my body withstand and thrive as I tackle these challenges.

I've been more than 3 days without a cigarette. I wish I'd never picked one up. Darn if it didn't help me cope though.... Perhaps by conquering this nasty habit (restarted in June) I can get control of my eating and my life....

I wonder if these bad habits are crutches we are given to help us limp through the crazy tough times? I forgive myself though I hate to admit this fault... a girl can only do her best. A crutch in the storm is not so bad... It would be nice if the storm passed.... I must get stronger so that I do not need crutches.

More than 4 days without a cigarette.... I am proud. Pray that I can conquer this and my weight. I want to make a difference in this world before I leave it....