I am in a better place than yesterday. Apparently my recent episode is bothering me more than I thought. I'm really glad it wasn't a stroke. I had one of those before... in 2002. Due to chronic pain from an auto accident my blood pressure increased to an unacceptable level and I had a mini stroke (a congenital heart defect caused the blood to pool funny in my heart forming a clot which strangely enough shot from my heart to my right hand).After the mini stroke I lost feeling on the right side, had some vision issues, and lost some language and memory. I regained much of what was lost over time (vision and feeling first, lost words next, and eventually most memories... I think?) . I ended up having minor heart surgery (catheterization) to fix the issue and was good as gold. You can watch a video of it here. Pretty amazing stuff.
Everything was peachy until the recent hospitalization following ANOTHER blood clot that shot to my left hand.
I know.
What are the odds of me having 2 different blood clots that shot to my hand?
What are the odds of surviving random shooting clots? What are the odds? Someone tell me!
So when I had to wear the Holter Monitor, I got cranky. Yes, part of the issue was the itch from my reaction to the stupid tape used for the electrodes. I think the bigger issue for me yesterday was fear.
I am afraid.
I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have more doctor visits. I don't want to have heart problems. I don't want blood clots. I don't want high blood pressure. I want to be a normal (almost) 40 year old.
I don't want to be the youngest patient on the stroke floor at the hospital. I just want to be healthy. I don't even have to look cute in a bathing suit. I just want to be healthy and active. I want to feel good and play sports with my kids. I want to live a long healthy life. I don't want to leave the party early like my mom did at the age of 63.
Wearing this Holter Monitor will tell the doctors if I have atrial fibrilation (the likely cause of this recent random clot). It would also increase my stroke risk 7 times that of a person without an atrial fibrilation issue. I don't want another stroke. My last one was minor and it sucked. I admit it, I am scared.
I am scared but I need to get over it. So my pity party is over. Who has time for that? Tomorrow I will go back to pondering what kind of fabulous plan God must have for me. You know I'm meant to do something fabulous if I could dodge major damage twice from random shooting blood clots.
Perhaps I will do something amazing.... I must be meant to do something great because I'm still here!
And tomorrow will be a beautiful day because I can get rid of these darn wires hooked to my chest. Yeah, I know it is a hot look, but seriously......
9 comments:
i can completely understand your fear. a lot of times if i get sick, or something goes wrong to make me feel worse, i am angry. i feel like, because of all the pain i have all the time, i should get some kind of free pass from sickness and pain. obviously, that's not the case. but i hope your monitor gives you good news. :)
I understand this so fully I feel like I could have written it... you are in my thoughts, woman.
As for amazing... the children... you've done the children and you've been brave enough to share your story... you are amazing, it's already here.
((hugs))
Thanks for the link to the ASD closure video - I had one back in 1995. I had an episode of amnesia afterwards, and they wondered if that was connected with my heart - thinking a blood clot had gone to my brain. I'm sorry you've had so many problems. You need to have a word with those blood clots and tell them to go down to your lungs, which can happily deal with them, and for them to stay away from your brain! Hope things get better soon.
Oh my goodness, thank you! You do not know what it means to me to have people get it in regards to how all this drama has made me feel. I need to blog it out to feel better but I had to be a complainer. I appreciate that you relate... more than I can say.
Emily -- I so get it, you deserve a pass on things... you put up with so much!
kristin -- you are way too kind.
iccleanne -- the surgery was a breeze, I recommend it highly. Just do yourself a favor and manage stress so blood pressure doesn't sneak up on you!!
Hang in there girl! I know I haven't been commenting much lately (it's been CRAZY here!), but I've been reading and thinking about you! Lots of prayers that you get good results and all of this can be behind you!
Lots of prayers and well wishes to you.
I guess you are scared....GOOD LORD! You've dodged a bullet twice and are still hanging in there!
I truly believe God does have something great in store for you....I hope you reap the benefits of it....SOON! YOU DESERVE IT!
I am praying that you get well very soon!
PS we lost mom to cancer yesterday and now I understand more about how you felt.
msu gal... as I said on your blog, I'm so very sorry. Prayers going up for you. Remember that she no longer suffers. I wish someone had told me to write down the stories I would hear that first week after our loss.
Many great stories, so hard to remember. I asked her friends to write them down for me -- only 2 did. Journaling tidbits for follow up later is the best advice I can give. I'm so very sorry for you loss. I had someone tell me that my mom didn't die, she was born into eternal life.... it brought me comfort as a person of faith. Prayers continue for you.
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