Waiting.

If you had a lump and a biopsy deemed it benign, would you still want it removed?

What if you had multiple lumps?

What if they biopsied just one of those lumps? Could you resist the worry that the one biopsy will miss the real issue?

Would you be able to sleep at night without worrying about if the biopsy was done on the correct lump??? Ugh. Uncertainty sucks.

So the one biopsy IS good, and I do celebrate this.... what about the other lump? Why didn't they take more samples? Why are my breasts ticking time bombs?

I hate this part of being a woman. I can handle the verdict, I can't handle the waiting.

As Tom Petty says, "The waiting is the hardest part."

Teaching Rocks

For me, teaching is all about relationships. I teach high school, but I almost don't care what I teach. If I can connect with a student I can help them as a learner. It is so cool to have a job where I am able to make a difference. I realize these kids are GREAT. I realize they have a lot to contribute to this world. How cool is it that I have a job where I can encourage others to grow and make a difference? I consider this the most wonderful part of the job.

Updates:
- Hubby is taking a class this semester - yay!
- Dad is doing okay with radiation for the prostate cancer. He has good and bad days. Cancer is like that.
- Wonder boy is continuing to have issues with sleep, we are working on it.
- Super Girl is still challenging me as a parent in terms of her achieving to her abilities in school. How typical is that?
- I'm a first year teacher so I'm taking a break from my master's program. Can I just say that next year will be SOOOOO much easier when I'm not going through everything for the very first time?
- Why is it acceptable for tees to grind on each other at high school dances? Do we not have standards?

Teaching is amazing... you learn SO much!!

Wow!

Time sure is flying!

I'll admit it -- I see the difference between grad school and undergraduate... More is required (as it should be...) I simply may have to do this one class at a time vs. two.... there is a fine line between what is worth working on and what is taking too much of my time (as a working mom of two!). I like how this program is making me think. I hope all of the professors are as good as the one I have now.

My baby turns 12 this coming weekend.... how did Wonder Boy get this old? He is still a snugly loving boy... though he is sometimes too cool to deal with Mom. I am sometimes grateful that he understand and appreciates sarcasm... and then again sometimes not. Wish I didn't have to host the family party with my inlaws for the Febrary birthdays... must clean the house this week and I'm a bit tired to jump into that!!!

I went with Dad today and met with the vascular surgeon who will be repairing his Triple A (abdominal aortic aneurysm). This is round two (first surgery for the leaking ruptured AAA was just 6 years ago... at the time they could not do a full replacement as this was an emergency surgery). Lucky Dad! He gets to do this again! The upside is that he is scheduled to have the surgery a month from now... it will not be an emergency room drama this time.

Upon recovery we will then schedule the prostate surgery to remove the prostate due to the cancer. Again -- this is not a panic as it was caught early. You simply have to prioritize and the prostate is less life threatening than the AAA. I understand the term "sandwich generation" more than I could have appreciated previously.

Tomorrow I will testify in my best friend's divorce. The case is in arbitration. I hope my testimony makes a difference... I feel horrible for her kids and fear for her... her husband is an obsessive controlling stalker... perhaps we can be rich if we right the story of this divorce up as a Lifetime movie... we (my friend and I) could use the income!

Wonder Boy is doing much better in school. Medication was the right decision. I am thrilled to report he is happy and doing MUCH better in school.

Super Girl has not wanted to attend the last two school dances. She seems happy and has friends who attend but she does not want to participate. I'm at a loss to find out why she "doesn't feel like going." I hope all is well... I will keep checking in and listening... middle school was one of the worst times of my life... but as of yet she does not seem to want to share...

Hubby is attending classes & is still employed despite the horrible economy! He is better on the depression front and is not too annoyed with me... I've been studying scripture and my faith. I realize that can be annoying for those who are not into it at this moment... All I know is that when I study the details of WHY Catholics believe this or that.. a LOT seems to make sense to me. I don't get ALL of it... but WOW am I growing a lot the more I read and research. We Catholics do not tend to read scripture... it is interesting to read and listen to converts. They appreciate and bring so much to my understanding of the faith in which I was brought up. Reading daily scripture seems to keep me much more centered on who I want to be vs. who I am. I have more patience to be the person I want to be... I think this is due to the effort I'm putting into what I read.

I wish I had more time to blog as of late... there are so many thoughts percolating in my mind!! Often it is in writing that I truly digest what is cooking in my mind.... I hope to post again soon but cannot promise this week... perhaps next? Thanks for hanging in there with me, cheering for us.. and praying for us! While we face some big challenges I find that I'm calmer than I would have been in the past. Faith helps.. optimism is not without a source.

It is cold and I'm looking forward to spring...

Dad

He has opened up to the possibilities of 2nd opinions!

I credit his doctor for this because the doctor insisted that Dad go home and read 2 books before the next consultation for treatment planning. I am excited because my Dad has read the books and gotten the message. Your doctor is as important as your treatment choice.

If you are having radiation you need the best and most experienced radiologist. If you are having surgery you want an awesome surgeon. Simple and basic as it seems, many of us pick doctors based on bed side manner or proximity to our homes. This is not enough!

We need doctors who stay current on trends and research. We need doctors who do the surgery often. We need expertise. I've long held this view, but my Dad is from a different generation. His generation doesn't want to bother the doctor with too many questions. Now that Dad has been reading he realizes that being assertive and active in your health decisions is important.

I am so grateful to my Dad's doctor for this. Dad called me tonight with a status on where he stands on things. He has a plan. He wants to consult with his doctors and coordinate the care of both conditions (aorta aneurysm and prostate cancer). He is engaged and ready to get 2nd opinions. I am so proud of him.

As we spoke tonight I was teary with happy tears. I told my Dad how relieved I was that he was researching and being assertive about his care. He told me that was what was reiterated over and over in the books.... go with the best. I'm so glad my Dad gets it. He is the best.

The appointment went well.

I love my dad's doctor. He is WONDERFUL. I have never had a doctor give me his home phone number to call if I had questions. Can you believe it?

I went with my dad for his post diagnosis consult. I am proud to say that the materials I researched ahead of time allowed me to understand and process the discussion pretty easily. It is nice to know ahead of time the core of the discussion you will have. I highly recommend the American Cancer Society's website as a great starting point for researching cancer options (in particular I researched prostate cancer). Want great resources for questions you can ask? Check out the Prostate Cancer Foundation. This website was a great resource to me. I cut and paste the info I found into an email to myself which I printed and took to the appointment.

As we drove to the appointment my dad and I engaged in small talk. As we got out of the car he asked if I had a pen and paper. I told him I did and that I had a list of questions too. He scowled at me and said he trusted his doctor and didn't want to ask a whole bunch of questions.

Nice look on your face dad....

Anyway, I told him no problem and put my questions (and research) back in my bag. I didn't think there was any need to argue at this point, I'd ask questions if I needed to ask questions -- not like he could stop me. It simply was not worth arguing about. Let him think he is in control, this was my strategy.

So as we sat waiting I did homework. Dad had not brought sodoku or reading materials. He tried to nap (he is so cute when he does that) but eventually turned to me and said "Hey, can I look at that stuff you printed out?"

"Sure dad. It isn't as organized as it should be, but go ahead" said I. I then pretended to read my homework while I covertly studied him reading the first page. He turned to page 2 of 8 and said,

"This is good stuff!"

I grinned. Sometimes you have to survive the first wave of objections before your ideas can be accepted. We were finally ushered in for the consult and the nurse gave my dad some stuff to read over. He read one page and chucked, "This is the stuff you gave me." We giggled.

The doctor came in and gave an overview of dad's options. He explained the test results and options so clearly that (for once!) I didn't have questions. We go back in a few weeks to discuss dad's decisions. He will have to coordinate his care due to the aneurysm issue complicating matters (so treatment choice may be made for him based upon how this other condition needs to be treated). What was really reassuring was the doctor's manner. "I promise you will NOT die of prostate cancer."

I don't know about you, but for me this reassurance is everything. All I can say is that men are lucky -- if you are going to get cancer this is the one to get. We chicks don't have such great survival rates for the female cancers. Apparently if you are a dude and you live long enough, you will get prostate cancer. If you do, click my links and read -- you will feel SO much better.

I love my dad. I'm so grateful that he is letting me be there with him. I am also grateful that my sister shared with me that he was really please I went with him and that I'd done the research. It is awesome that we know to tell each other the good things Dad says about each other... he doesn't say it to us directly most of the time... even when he is proud of us.

He thanked me for going to the appointment with him and I thanked him for letting me go with him.

Prostate Cancer

Well, it does not come as a shock to me that my dad got the diagnosis.

He had elevated PSA tests and the ultrasound showed swelling of the prostate gland. He had the biopsy last week and his doctor called to confirm the diagnosis. Dad has a very treatable cancer. I would be freaked out about this more if I didn't expect it... I would also be more freaked out about it if he didn't receive the news that he has ANOTHER aneurysm of the aorta. Poor Dad! Can you imagine learning you have cancer and an aortal aneurysm the same week? Super man has already survived a triple bypass at the age of 43. At 63 he had an abdominal aortal aneurysm which ruptured. If not for the alert emergency room staff he would not have survived. My dad survived and was released from the hospital in under a week -- less time than most patients who have aneurysms repaired in a scheduled surgery vs. and emergency rupture situation. This is not to mention the heart attack I watched him have in the hospital when some sort of levels were off after the surgery.... Superman shocked his doctors and awed the hospital staff. It is a funny feeling to sit in the ICU with your father as different residents and surgeons pop in to see the miracle man. I am grateful.

Dad is strong. He is a good man. I will be going with him this week for the appointment where he learns about his treatment plan. I am so grateful he is allowing me to go. I am researching prostate cancer and will soon be your local expert. Please don't hesitate to ask me for information in the coming weeks.... I will know whatever you need to know by the time his appointment rolls around this Thursday. I love his doctor who commented "I guarantee that it will NOT be prostate cancer that kills you." Dad laughed and said, "I wonder if he's been talking to my aneurysm surgeon?"

First we deal with the prostate cancer, then in 6 months they will do another CAT scan on the aortal anuerysm. Most likely he will have surgery to repair it at the 6 month mark, but for now it is watch and wait. Watch and wait may end up being the protocal on the prostate cancer with treatment to be done following the aneurysm repairs. Which will come first, the chicken or the egg?

Dad and I had an amazing conversation on Saturday. It was the conversation I never had with my mom when she got sick. I didn't know for certain that he had cancer at the time. I was grateful that we'd gotten to talk and that I'd heard those precious words... that he is proud of me. I am grateful again. I am also grateful he is allowing me to go with him to the doctor. I don't want him to face this alone. I once again ask for prayers for my dad. The only good thing I can say about losing my mother is that it forced me to appreciate my dad. Funny how life teaches you these lessons. Live and learn.

Again I ask...

I am afraid.

I hate fear. I hate that I can not control life. I have tried to go with the flow... but my nature is to take charge and fix things when they are broken. Problems that I can't control sometimes make me crazy.

My Dad has informed me he had an elevated PSA test and that he goes back for another test next week. If it is still elevated he will have a biopsy. His risk factors for prostate cancer are increased due to his brother battling this cancer and due to his age (70 is the new 60 don't you know!).

I am sending up my prayers (yes, I said the rosary this morning after getting this news). It is comforting to me to say a rosary... the repetition and reflections take my mind off of my earthly worries... I am lifted up in the prayers I lift up for others... in this case for my Dad.

If you could please take a moment to life him up in prayer it would be appreciated more than words can express. We have been down the cancer road with my mother and I tremble just typing the word.

Since losing my mother my father has become a rock in my life. I love him more than ever and appreciate his wisdom more than any other time in my life. I always knew he was brilliant, I just never appreciated it. I appreciate it now. I appreciate his approval and pride in my hard work. I appreciate that he is happy with how I'm raising my kids. I appreciate that he approves because I think he and my mom did SUCH a great job with us. If I have have the patience and wisdom I am a wealthy woman indeed!

Wow, this was not the blog post I thought I'd be writing today.

So yes, back to the purpose of this post... please pray for my Dad. I thank you in advance!

Great News!

My friend's mass was removed and it is benign!! I am so excited for her that she does not have cancer! Her very first mammogram showed abnormality. The very best cancer institute around said they thought it was cancer so they would forgo the biopsy (to avoid spilling cells). She had the surgery last week and YIPPEE! The mass was not cancer. She is young for whatever kind of tumor it was... so was a grateful for answered prayers!!

My cousin is recovering well from her mastectomy. She is in year 5 of her breast cancer battle and is taking Christmas off from chemo. Her doctor wants her to heal from surgery more (the skin may be dying over the surgical site). She is relieved to have the holiday off.

It puts it all in perspective doesn't it????

My Friend

I am happy for my friend. The mass has been removed and now is the wait to hear about the pathology. This will determine the next step (will there be radiation? will there be chemo? will surgery be the whole thing?). I know she is relieved to have the mass removed. I am relieved too.

Now her challenge is to survive a soon to be ex husband who feels he can make custody arrangements fit his schedule. He was supposed to meet and drop them off this morning but he decided to keep them until tomorrow. This after skipping the boys basketball games. This after skipping speech therapy for the 2 year old. This after sending the kids to school without hats and gloves. This after failing to buy car seats as ordered by the court (he takes her car seats).

When do HER rights start to matter? Is it true that because HE is still in the house that HE will be looked upon more favorably for custody since there are more beds than at grandma's where she is staying? Why does he get an advantage when she fled the home because of his violence? Why isn't her lawyer telling her what to do when he violates an agreement? She should be planning ahead for this because we all know he will break all agreements. I understand that the lawyer takes the weekend off, but why not have a list of contingency steps for my friend to follow when the soon to be ex violates an agreement.

I hate not having control. So does my friend. I wish I could make this better. I hope and pray the judge looks at this man's actions and holds him accountable. Ugh.

Update

The surgery turned into a consult and my friend has been rescheduled for next week. Another ultrasound was done on the other breast because the fear is that there is a mass there as well. My friend is holding up as well as you can with this kind of stress.

On the bright side: the personal protection order on her hubby has been extended to cover friends and family! YIPPEE! I'm grateful! He failed to pick up the kids as scheduled from school this week. He also failed to buy car seats and had to take her car seats when he had his scheduled time with the kids this weekend. I hope the judge in this case takes notice. He wasn't ever much of a father. It is unlikely he can muster the fortitude to step it up now. He is saying horrible things about her to the kids. Their eyes are wide. I'm so sad that they have to go through this. I'm so glad that kids are resilient and that they will eventually see the reality of the situation. They lost when it came to daddy, but they hit a major jackpot with getting the mommy they have!

I'm proud of her!

Cancer

My cousin has been fighting cancer for the past 4 years. Breast cancer. She had a mastectomy today. She came through okay, there were no surprises in the surgery and that is a good thing. Is it that we know more about cancer and don't whisper the word now? It feels like it is everywhere around me sometimes. My best friend went for her consult and feels positive. The doctors seem to think her cancerous mass was identified early. She will have her surgery in the next few weeks. These realities make my petty worries feel so small. I'm grateful that medicine has made so many advances.... I'm sad that more people close to me are stricken. Maybe my Mom will watch over them from up above and they will win their battles. I hope so......