Dementia

Dementia seems like a scary but not crazy diagnosis.  Vascular Dementia is different from Alzheimer's Disease.  Pick your poison, they both devastate your world.  The sad thing for my dad is that he knows he is losing his mind (cognitive function if you want to be precise).

In just one year Dad has gone from living in the family home and driving to living in an "independent living" facility and suffering from debilitating bouts of confusion.  He went from managing his entire world to needing help with everything from money management to daily medication.  Twice in the last week he double dosed himself on his medications. Hence we now will have the facility manage his medication  for him daily-- even though my brother called him daily to tell him what day of the week it was and which allocation of pills he needed from the pre-sorted pill box (that was sorted by the day of the week once a day dosage).

Getting old is not for sissies; if you have pride, leave it at the door -- it will be stripped from you.

Selling the family home in September was painful.  Dealing with depression afterward was heartbreaking.  How did he decline so quickly?  He was driving one year ago and yet last week he could not find his apartment without assistance.  He can't dial the phone and is saved by speed dials which are preprogrammed.  He can't remember his words and asks for Frito Scoops when he wants Chex Mix.  He can still joke and remind me that his boxers have the same stripes as his shirts -- "please don't take my boxers to the cleaners!" he reminds me :)  I have learned to that "My computer isn't working!" means that his TV is not working.  He has called me on the phone to let me know his phone does not work.

I think of it as the brain becoming swiss cheese.  Some parts are there and solid and some parts are GONE.

I miss my strong father.  I embrace the parts of him that are left and that I still recognize.  I feel sorrow that he suffers as he KNOWS he is losing it and is embarrassed beyond reassurance that he can not make it through the grocery checkout without delaying the line.  This haunts him despite the fact that everyone in line behind him finds him engaging, adorable, and a pleasure.  He apologizes beyond reason and fellow grocery shoppers smile and have nothing but patience for this kind old man who needs a little extra time and might need help with his words.  Palsy is obvious and nobody shames him for the extra time it takes to deal with that pesky billfold.

May I have the grace necessary to help him on this journey.  He is the BEST dad.... I wish he did not have to feel shame about the parts of the brain that are gone.  He used to be super active, very engaged, and the life of the party.  Now the world gets smaller for him and the bigger world misses out on a light as it starts to dim....

I know my mom went ahead to make a place for him.  It is my sincere hope that his suffering is minimized as he awaits the blessed reunion with the love of his life.  Mom left us 9 years ago.  It feels like a moment ago and a million years ago.  I want to keep dad with me, but I realize this is selfish.  His job is done.

His bride awaits.  He is ready for his father to welcome him home.  May God have mercy on my father and his soul.  May perpetual light shine upon him that I may not be selfish and hold him to this world while eternal life and the grand reunion await him.  May I remember that this reunion is what he deserves and that needing my dad is secondary to my dad's needs.