Grief

When my son attempted suicide almost 2 years ago I was lost.  I thought if we just survived those first few days our problems would be over.  This was just a fluke, right?  My world was rocked and I didn't know up from down.  I didn't realize what a long path it would be to recovery (if we ever get there completely... will the fear go away?).

When a smart kid makes a serious attempt (he survived, but it was a miracle).  After the suicide attempt you are left to question all that you believed about life and this world.  Questions about daily living, faith, your parenting skills, your value, your failures.... you are not safe ever from the questions that can't be answered.  As a parent you can do everything you think is right.  You can talk to your kid.  You can watch for signs.  You can consult with professionals and you can still fail.

I am not a fan of failure, but I'm learning to accept that sometimes it is unavoidable.  You can put all of your energy into making it better and still you may make just minuscule steps forward.  Access to great educational resources and healthcare is not enough.  I guess I am meant to appreciate the baby steps.  I guess I am meant to live in the right now vs. looking toward the future.  Two years in to this I question how much stamina I still possess.

I am not suicidal, but I have lost the will to live.  I admit it.

This is a moment when I just feel like there is no end to the suffering; I just don't want to suffer anymore.  If I measure progress since his attempt I am happier; if I measure where we need to be I am in the pit of despair.  I don't want to be Eeyore or Debbie Downer to those in my life who know the battle and support us.

Yet, I'm unable to relate to family and friends who are blissfully unaware.  I would never want them to know what this is like, but I simply can't relate to people who have normal problems.  Small talk at parties makes me want to stab my eyes out.  I don't want to be social because it takes too damn much energy to pretend to relate to normal people.

We are hanging on... I want to get back to enjoying life and appreciating it more.