Dementia... are they really calling him?

Dad says he is getting calls from a reporter wanting to interview him.  His phone is his lifeline and yet it sometimes holds unpredictable dangers.  I wish I could be there to protect him always.  He is so confused.  My brother will check his caller ID tomorrow and see what the story is.  This is not a made up delusion as those revolve around dad messing up at work (he is retired) and that people are stealing from him (nothing is missing, he just hides things and can't find them).

Dementia is cruel.  I wish I could make it easier for him.

Suicide Attempt Survival:
It is almost 2 years now since my son made a serious attempt on his life.  I have lost count of hospitalizations but am grateful he is still alive and improving slowly.  Suicide is a cruel temptation.  Even when not "completed" lives of all around are shattered as we try to support our loved one without enabling.  It is even harder to tell the difference between depression and lazy teen tendencies.

I am so tired.  I am hopeful, but so darn tired.

Grief

When my son attempted suicide almost 2 years ago I was lost.  I thought if we just survived those first few days our problems would be over.  This was just a fluke, right?  My world was rocked and I didn't know up from down.  I didn't realize what a long path it would be to recovery (if we ever get there completely... will the fear go away?).

When a smart kid makes a serious attempt (he survived, but it was a miracle).  After the suicide attempt you are left to question all that you believed about life and this world.  Questions about daily living, faith, your parenting skills, your value, your failures.... you are not safe ever from the questions that can't be answered.  As a parent you can do everything you think is right.  You can talk to your kid.  You can watch for signs.  You can consult with professionals and you can still fail.

I am not a fan of failure, but I'm learning to accept that sometimes it is unavoidable.  You can put all of your energy into making it better and still you may make just minuscule steps forward.  Access to great educational resources and healthcare is not enough.  I guess I am meant to appreciate the baby steps.  I guess I am meant to live in the right now vs. looking toward the future.  Two years in to this I question how much stamina I still possess.

I am not suicidal, but I have lost the will to live.  I admit it.

This is a moment when I just feel like there is no end to the suffering; I just don't want to suffer anymore.  If I measure progress since his attempt I am happier; if I measure where we need to be I am in the pit of despair.  I don't want to be Eeyore or Debbie Downer to those in my life who know the battle and support us.

Yet, I'm unable to relate to family and friends who are blissfully unaware.  I would never want them to know what this is like, but I simply can't relate to people who have normal problems.  Small talk at parties makes me want to stab my eyes out.  I don't want to be social because it takes too damn much energy to pretend to relate to normal people.

We are hanging on... I want to get back to enjoying life and appreciating it more.

Where to begin?  It has been a crazy year.  My son who has a sleep disorder developed an eating disorder and attempted suicide one year ago this week.  Wonder Boy is way too intellectual.  If you don't function with faith in this world logic will kill you.  He attempted suicide and was very nearly successful.  We have spent the year in psychiatric treatment, eating disorder treatment, and 24/7 death watch.  He cut, he wallowed in depression, and he fought to get his life back.  He fought for US more than himself.  I have not blogged about this but I have journaled through our struggles.  You can know the symptoms, see the signs, plan with professionals, and STILL fail your child.  May no other parent walk this path.

I have learned to be patient.  I have learned to trust God.  I have learned that you can't fight the battles your child is destined to fight.  You can support.  You can pray.  You can learn.  You can help.  You can pray...  but you can't take the cross from your child's shoulders no matter how much you desire to do so.

We have made it a year.  He is still alive and working on his coping skills.  We are blessed.  I hope that there are positives that can come from this --- such as my being a resource to others walking on this path.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  If you are considering it please reach out for help.  The aftermath is unfathomable.... Let people help you  YOU ARE NEVER ALONE in your struggles.

We are blessed he is still here and fighting.  He is a Wonder Boy!