Looking in the mirror....

I did not give up blogging for 2009 :-)

I did have my car breakdown on me multiple times though.... I have replaced the alternator, the battery, a tire with a nail in the sidewall, and most recently my brakes! I feel like I own a new car now -- which is good since my darling hoopty is nearing 150,000 miles. How cool is that?

I am starting my new and exciting graduate program and I admit I'm a little intimidated by the competition. Isn't that always the way? Starting something new is intimidating... I'm excited too. Perhaps if I am doing more than working full time my darling and wonderful hubby will once again appreciate my efforts. I think the home cooked meals have become the norm and he no longer appreciates my efforts.. he expects them. It is a subtle and motivation killing difference. Hey buddy, I work full time too! I fight depression too! It feels good to be cooking (which I secretly LOVE) but I despise the putting away of the leftovers as well as unloading the dishwasher. I wish I had a super power that allowed me to skip these steps and yet always have a clean kitchen and meals stocked up in my freezer. Yes, I am a dreamer.

Other things on my mind -- reunions. I do not have an official reunion, but.... This weekend I will be attending my college roommates 40th birthday party. I will be seeing her for the first time in MANY years. Rumor has it she is still sporting 80's hair, so why am I self conscious about my weight gain?

I guess it is strange for me to ponder the different directions our lives have gone in.... since I last saw this friend I have married and had two kids, I have raised these two kids into fascinating tweens, I have had a successful career, gone back to school, had a blood clot and minor stroke, been in a major auto accident and rehabbed back to functioning after 3 months of partial and 3 months of total disability, I have had minor heart surgery, I have earned multiple national awards for my work, I have written training manuals, I have successfully driven sales, I have been responsible for over 80 million dollars in sales, I have been a mentor, I have been a volunteer, I have volunteer in my kid's schools, I have left corporate work and gone into the family business, I have helped with the rehab of my mother inlaw's multiple hospitalizations, I have learned to live with daily pain, I have watched my mother fight cancer, I have held my mother as she died, I have battled depression, I have survived my husband's business going under, I have rescued a greyhound and adopted a pug, I have double majored, I have student taught, I have earned teacher certification in 2 areas, I have left behind a successful corporate career, I have become a red head, I have rediscovered my faith, I have been married to a great man for 15 years, I have gone back to school again (this time graduate school), and I have become and aunt 8 times over. Money no longer matters to me -- life matters.

I have done all of the above, and yet, I look in the mirror and hate myself because I have gained 50+ pounds.

I am a fatty.

That is what people think when they meet me. They don't think that when they know me... but that is the first impression. I know this. THAT is why I'm nervous about seeing my friend this weekend. I am ashamed that for everything I am able to do, I am still unable to control my weight.

Why does this one area wipe out the rest of my accomplishments?

(Yes, my brain knows my accomplishments still exist -- but emotionally I become the fatty loser when I look in the mirror and I can't make that feeling go away even though logically it is NOTHING next to the accomplishment list. Emotions suck. Why can't women be like men who don't mind sporting a pot belly? Why can fat men walk about in speedo bathing suits and fat women simply melt under the shame even when fully clothed?)

I know I will have fun this weekend. I will be SO happy to see my friend. I just wish I didn't have this shadow of shame. I'm better than this!