My Mom

Today is the anniversary of my Mom's passing. During her illness she taught me about quality of life vs. quantity. She was on the bad side of every odd -- if 10% of people had a bad reaction to a certain chemo, then she was in the 10%. She accepted her fate before I did. I remember being so desperate. I wanted to do something -- ANYTHING. There was nothing. Her recurrence with cancer was horrible and quick. At the time I didn't look at it as quick, but looking back I'll admit 12 weeks is quick.

After we lost her I remember trying to trudge on despite the fact my world was shattered. I was in a fog for a long time. It took a long time to start to feel like me again. I wrote about the night my Mom died. It was hard to write about, but I needed to get my thoughts out in order to try and digest everything that had happened.

I was with her. It was an impossible night. I remember thinking "This can't be happening." Even though being there at the moment of her passing was excruciating, I'm glad I was there with her. It is an honor to be there at the moment of passing. It is an honor, a privilege, a burden, and a wound. Being there increased my faith. Watching my Mom battle pain I saw the true measure of her faith. She was ready to move on. We were not ready to let her go, but we faked it for her sake.

Writing about it helped me. I am glad we gave her a beautiful funeral. "Just a closer walk with thee..." She loved that spiritual and I'm glad they played it as we requested. Every time I hear it I smile. It is a great song to sing...

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Two years ago today. I still can not believe it. I miss you Mom. I can't believe you left that long ago. It was yesterday and a million years ago. I still think of you every single day. I still want to call you to share my news. I still think "what would Mom say?" or "What would Mom do about this?" I want to write a children's book for your two grandchildren who are due this May and June. I want them to know you. I want them to have you as a part of their lives through a book that will allow them to know your face, know your smile, know your kindness. I am so very grateful that my children knew you. I'm so grateful that I knew you.

I'm glad you were my Mom. I'm sorry you left early. I miss you more than I can express. I hope to see you on the other side. The world is not the same without you. I somehow feel like you are having a better time upstairs though... I'm glad you are not suffering anymore. The memories you left are a gift I cherish. I love you. I miss you.

Thank you Mom, for showing me where to find the most beautiful sunsets.
Thank you for giving me the example I needed to appreciate the sunsets.
Thank you for being such a great Mom!